[brittany0691]

My husband is an iraq war vet with severe ptsd. Our marriage hasnt been easy. Theres been times hes talked about suicide and left for a couple days after a fight but we always get back together. He usually tells me he loves me and he'd be dead without me. Most of the time our marriage is good. We have a healthy sex life as well. However things set him off... Yesterday was one of those days. This is how it went..

My husband texted me during the day talking of suicide. How hes made up his mind and wasnt gonna tell anyone but thought I should know. Usually I can lift him out of these funks and make him feel better by reminding him how much hes accomplished. We planned to talk when I got home. When I came home from work he was angry and blamed me for all his problems. Quite different from how he talked earlier. As the fight escalated he went upstairs and locked himself in our room. I ran after him and kicked down the door. He was loading the gun and putting it to his head. I tried to wrestle the gun out of his hands but hes too strong so I turned around walked away and called 911. Expecting to hear a shot. He followed me outside while i talked to 911 and ended up leaving on foot. The sheriff came and talked to me and my husband texted me saying he was at the gas station downstairs and to bring him some things and money. The sherriff offered to try and get my husband to go to the hospital and i said you can try but idk what he'll agree too. An hour later my husband called from a pay phone asking to see me, but by the time i drove downtown the cop must have picked him up and brought him to the hospital.

I woke up this am devastated. I went to work and when i left I called the hospital to speak to my husband. He sounded upset as im sure hes wound up. He ended up telling me we were done and he hated me. I got very upset and told him goodbye. Forever. He took this as i was going to hurt myself and called the police to tell them that i was a suicide risk.

why did he do that if he hates me? Does he really hate me and want a divorce or is this something hes going through? i dont know what to do. hes being transferred to the albany va tomorrow. I love my husband so much. we have our ups and downs but i took my vows serious. til death do us part and for better or worse. He ripped my heart out when he said he hated me. I just dont know what to believe from him. One hour its everything bothering him and the next im to blame for everything.

I'm a mess... :'(

 

[thunderstruck]

I'm a veteran, so this was tough to read. I doubt he hates you and I doubt he wants a divorce. He is just dealing with his own personal hell right now, so he is blurting out things like that. He needs to get the proper help from the VA, and he probably will need your loving support. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this, but you will need to be strong for him.

 

[brittany0691]

I'm just so confused. :-( I dont know whether to move on(not that i ever will) or hang on to him. He told me flat out he hates me and its over... I hate seeing him like this.

 

[thunderstruck]

Could you talk to his VA doctors to see how a spouse can best provide support for cases like this? It could be that he is a proud man, and is embarrassed that he can't handle this...so he pushes you away? Maybe give him some space while he gets pro help, but be there for him when he's ready for you? Again...so sorry you're having to deal with this.

 

[brittany0691]

I can try. We're young. I'm 21 hes 25. He is a full time student and now he wont finish this semester. He is still in the marines so he cant really move away. I feel if he leaves he'll have nothing. What's he gonna do sleep on a friends floor? You mentioned him being proud. He is. He'd rather sleep under a bridge than stay with someone. I'd like to think that he's just going through something and will want me back. But then I wonder if it's just my wishful thinking. He's done 4 months of rehab at two different va hospitals. I used to go visit 2x a week then when he was 4 hours away once a week.

i'm praying all the time for him. for us. 4 days ago we were great. Went to the mall planned for xmas, saw a movie, went to dinner. He loved me then...or so I think. Now it's all being ruined.

I dont know how i'll move on from this. I feel like I died when he calmly said "I hate you".

 

[Emerald]

He may think he hates your for calling 911.

Did they 5150 him? If so, it was against his will so he may be blaming you. You did the right thing.

Obviously he needs lots of help & your support. I know it hurts you to hear those words from him but he is a very sick man right now so please treat him as such in a loving way.

Also, most people that actually do commit suicide do it quietly. They don't announce, threaten or talk about it because they do not want to be stopped.

I believe his threats of suicide are a cry for help & I am so happy he is getting help right now.

I will pray for you & your husband.

 

[brittany0691]

He may think he hates your for calling 911.

Did they 5150 him? If so, it was against his will so he may be blaming you. You did the right thing.

Obviously he needs lots of help & your support. I know it hurts you to hear those words from him but he is a very sick man right now so please treat him as such in a loving way.

Also, most people that actually do commit suicide do it quietly. They don't announce, threaten or talk about it because they do not want to be stopped.

I believe his threats of suicide are a cry for help & I am so happy he is getting help right now.

I will pray for you & your husband.

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[brittany0691]

He hasn't said anything about me calling 911. Once the cop found him they talked and my husband agreed to go to the hospital. He just says we're done and I said ok well I'll bring all your stuff to his friends and he said "all of it?" I said "yeah because you don't wanna come back" he said "just throw it all away I won't need any of it" :-(
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[hoehandle]

Brittany,
Look @ it this way. Did you ever hate anyone that you didn't care a great deal for? On some level hate and love & respect are intertwined. It is a very peculiar relationship.
You may want to hang back a bit and let your hubby sort some things out.

hoe

 

[moxy]

I don't think he hates you. He's in crisis. Let the crisis pass and then talk to him. He needs professional help. You should get counseling, too. Leave the decisions until the death-watch has subsided.

 

[Uptown]

I'm just so confused. ... He told me flat out he hates me and its over...

Brittany, I agree with Moxy, Hoe, and the others. What you are describing -- where your H flips from loving you one day and hating you the next -- is called "black-white thinking." All of us do this all-or-nothing thinking when we are under great stress with intense emotions.

Do you remember the time you were in a crosswalk and looked up to see a bus or truck bearing down on you? Well, in that instant, your mind immediately switched to black-white thinking. You were incapable of doing any higher order thinking. Instead, you were capable of thinking only "jump left" or "jump right." Because B-W thinking has obvious survival value, our minds are hard wired to do more and more of it whenever we have intense feelings.

Indeed, you had already done B-W thinking so many thousands of times in childhood that, by the time you were in high school, you already knew you could not trust your own judgment whenever your feelings are intense. That's why nearly all of us learn by our mid-teens that, whenever we are very angry, we must try to keep our mouths shut until we have time to cool down. And we learn that, whenever we are very infatuated over a new lover, we should wait at least a year before considering marriage.

Likewise, when a person is in crisis as your H is now, he cannot afford to be in touch with the strong mixed feelings that all of us carry around every day. His mind therefore "splits off" whole sets of feelings (e.g., "I love you") so he has to deal only with one narrow set of feelings ("I hate you"). Because this is done entirely at the subconscious level, the person typically is absolutely convinced at that time that he really does hate you. What it means, however, is that his perceptions of you are severely distorted by his inability to stay in touch with all of his feelings simultaneously. I hope this is helpful, Brittany.