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Please give me your advice

31K views 106 replies 48 participants last post by  bankshot1993 
#1 · (Edited)
My wife and I have been together 23 years and married for 17. Over that time we have had a very solid relationship. Other than the occasional fight we have pretty much had smooth sailing. The only area we have had any kind of issue with over the last few years was a dimishing sex life which my wife blamed me for although I always felt it was kind of a mutually shared issue. Even that, however, was only brought up maybe every year or two and then we would move on. We have no kids.

Well I caught her cheating a couple of months ago with a guy she dated when she was 17 who she recently reconnected with on Facebook. I knew within a couple of weeks of the affair something was up and it took a few more weeks to flesh out all of the details. They have now been running around for 3 months. I confronted her and told her I knew in the most compassionate nonthreatening way possible about 5 weeks ago. I told her I knew most of the details of their relationship, including that they were having sex and that they had supposedly fallen "in love".

She apologized for her actions and told me she wasn't proud of herself but basically blamed me for forcing her to behave in this manner. She said she still loved me as well, however, and didn't know what she wanted to do. I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision.

It has now been 5 weeks and she is talking, texting this guy every day and spending most weekends with him. I am left sitting at home waiting for her decision which she still says she hasn't made.

Her best friend, with whom she confides almost everything and who knows all about this, says she thinks my wife has lost her mind and is having some kind of mid life crisis or is literally having some kind of mental issue. The boyfriend is broke, has kids with his ex he can hardly support, is working part time, isn't anything to look at, etc.. My wifes friend is convinced the relationship is based around sex and will not last because they have nothing else in common other than the relationship of their youth. My wife is an intelligent, educated, professional and this guy is a "dumbass" (my wifes words) who has never held down a job and, in his mid 40s, hasn't got a penny to his name. My wife even confided to her friend that she knew that if anything ever happened to her health wise that I would stand by her but that she knew the boyfriend wouldn't.

I have since found out that this guy has contacted her numerous times over the years and that she had always rebuffed him but this time she decided to start things back up. Pretty much like he has been stalking her and waiting for a chance to get his foot in the door with our marriage. Some of the smoke he is blowing to my wife should be seen through by the typical school girl but she is eating it all up right now, according to her friend. Her friend also says the fact we lead a very comfortable lifestyle which she would be giving up to be with this guy is the one thing my wife always talks about. I don't want my wife to stay with me for what I can provide so that makes me feel bad for other reasons.

My wife is still living in our home and we still have a cordial relationship when she is with me. She is still telling me, and her friend, she loves me and doesn't know what to do. I am miserable and feel like a doormat to some degree but I also feel a responsibility for her well being and if this guy is out to hurt or take advantage of her I want to be in the picture as much as possible in case I am needed. She has mentioned moving out and getting her own place, and I have told her that is her decision to make.

My question is "Am I insane" as well as "What should I do going forward"? I think I have been very reasonable up to now and while it really isn't doing me any good from the perspective of their relationship cooling at least I am still in the picture and getting to spend some quality time with my wife whom I am legitimately worried may be having some kind of mental issue or other problem.

Can somebody please give me some feedback? I have told nobody about this for obvious reasons and I am going crazy trying to figure out the appropriate course. Thank you so much for reading all of this.
 
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#2 ·
Dude, you need to wake up. I'm not saying that in a sh-tty way either. I'm saying it as this: YOU are allowing your WIFE to go sleep with another guy!! YOU are allowing her to give him everything that she's supposed to be giving you.

Go look in the mirror and ask yourself the following question: When is enough, enough?!!

Seriously, man. A guy who she knew when she was 17?! And you're letting her go see him?! YOU have the ability to stop this with one simple move. Take all of her clothing and put it in a bag and bring it to the other guy's house. Let her know that you've made the decision for her.

You're acting like a doormat for this woman who is a pure cake eater. STOP!!!!
 
#4 ·
It has now been 5 weeks and she is talking, texting this guy every day and spending most weekends with him. I am left sitting at home waiting for her decision which she still says she hasn't made.

she already made it, its called cake eating, like dig said read the newbie link, learn it, live it....

You can get thru this and you will be ok, its not the end of the world, stand tall....
 
#6 ·
universe23, you better brace yourself. You're going to get some harsh replies. Replies that are going to be painful for you to read, because it's going to be hard for you to take a good look at yourself and realize what a pathetic doormat you're being.

You can't simply let your wife see this guy and hope it runs its course and she suddenly realizes she's making a mistake. Right now you're in an open marriage. And you're doing nothing about it. In fact you said you confronted her in a "compassionate, non-threatening way" after you found out about her affair. What???!!!
Right there, that's a sure way to get your wife to lose respect for you. She sees you as weak, which is unattractive to her.

A real man, a man that women find attractive, would never, ever put up with this. Every day you let this go on your wife is losing respect for you. You don't even respect yourself.

Kick your wife out of the house. Send her to the other man's house or apartment, whatever. Reality needs to hit her hard.

Be a man.
 
#7 ·
Im not one to be giving advice cause im going thru some bullsh*t with my own wife.

But the thing is you know that she is sleeping with another man for 3 months now.

If i knew what you know i would of filed for divorce a long time ago. I would not stand for my wife to sleep with another man and then come home to me and tell me she doesn't know what she wants in life. And your allowing it by telling her to take her time making a decision and by also basically saying that she can still sleep with him till she feels she doesn't want him no more if thats what she decides.

She knows what she wants in life thats why she is still seeing and texting and calling the other man. Everybody knows what they do their is no excuse for anybodys actions.

You need to snap outta it and fast. You got all the proof of what she is doing and you just letting it happen.
 
#14 ·
I can assure you have been extremely angry and we have had multiple fights over the last couple of months. I was only calm when I initially told her because I didn't want to lose my composure and had time to plan every word I was going to say. Since then we have had several angry exchanges when her behavior has set me off. I may be acting like a doormat but my wife knows I'm an angry one.
 
#9 ·
Thanks for the responses. I can't really argue with anything any of you have said. I would certainly be saying the same thing if it wasn't happening to me. Should I just tell her to leave and not come back until she knows what she wants to do or should I go ahead and permanently end it? My concern is that something may be wrong with her, although after reading the newbie thread it sounds like her behavior is pretty typical of "the fog". I know I'm getting slammed but it's good for me to hear this since this is the first time I've solicited advice from anyone so please keep responding.
 
#10 ·
You let her go out and screw another man while you wait alone at home and you sound proud of yourself being reasonable. :scratchhead:


I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision.

This sounds sooo reasonable. How much time will you give her?

Months? Years?

Again, another man who prides himself on being a cuckold.

She will take as much time as you give her and as long as you sit there alone waiting for her return she'll keep screwing this guy.

BTW are you paying for this lifestyle she has?
 
#11 ·
You have messed up already. You DO NOT give a WS time to make up their mind. She needs to be given 24 hrs to make a choice. You or her POS OM.

Steps to take if she choses you:
1. Force NC. She has to write or call him in front of you to state that it is over. And then you let her know that if there is any form of contact on her part the marriage is over. You will take it as a sign that she is not willing to commit.
2. You are now to have all access to her computer(s) and phone(s). There will be no secrets.
3. She needs IC and/or MC.

Steps to take if she choses him:
1. Draw up divorce papers.
2. Withdraw 50% of all joint money.
3. Ask her to leave the house.

During all of this you need to take care of yourself.
 
#12 ·
I don't know if I can say anything that would make you feel better. I think that you have to shoulder part of the blame for this situation, in that I think you helped create the environment that makes her feel she can do this with impunity and get away with it. Effectively, she has made you a cuckold. The fact that you are still home and cordial with her means that she has "gotten away with it". Do you have a passive personality where she has always been able to do what she wants without consideration for your feelings?

I would get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings immediately. For me her behavior has put you in a spot where there can be no reconciliation from. Ask her to leave the house and expose the affair to anyone who will listen. I personally don't see any coming back from this.
 
#15 ·
OK Ill ply you with sympathy. I hate seeing antone, male of female in a situation like this and its probabley the worst type of thing to have to go through outside death.

Now lets have some clear sky thinking here. Mid life crises DO NOT EXIST. It is the name given to cover infidelity and unreasonable behaviour.

Your W has been cheating on you. She has turned a sexual issue you may or may not have into an excuse to bed someone else. As you you seem not too know 100% how long its been going on but you have at least found evidence to give you a time line.

Ask yourself when she is with the other guy is she thinking about you? About your feeling? About the marridge vows taken..... NOPE

Is there a reason to accept her excuse for sex outside your marridge. NOPE!

Are you doing the right thing by sitting there worrying if she is going to throw the other guy over and come back to you. NOPE.

Please think clearly. will you ever be able to trust her out of your site again?

Will you really want to have sex with her knowing what shes been doing and why

She is at the moment using the "I dont know what to do" statement like a perscription for sex. If she doent knwo what to do why does she not stay in your home, think about the options and then commit to them?
Instead she is with the other guy having a great old time filling her boots and then if that goes TU will come back to you saying she made a mistake, she wants you (not the other guys kicked her over).

If you now pack up her gear, place as much in as few refuse sacks as ossible and then, change the locks on the doors, stop stop her funding and then phone her teling her where her belongings are and the fact that if she doesnt get them soon the charity store near by is collecting clothes and is likely to take them perhaps some reality will set in.
she IS playing you for a fool (I hate saying it ) She is making your life a hell on earth and sadly because of your feelings for the person SHE USED TO BE you are allowing it. It appears that some D papers need to be prepared and placed in her hand at some early point - That in itself may clear her head a little. But unless you take control and quickly ou maky find this otehr guy lying in your bed,eating your food and enjoying your hard earned wages.
 
#20 ·
I'm sorry you are here, but you came to the right place. Clearly, you will find out from the veterans on this board that you are taking an approach that is a disaster waiting to happen.

Yes, you are letting her you treat you like a doormat and you need to do the 180 on her immediately (look for the 180 link). She has zero respect for you. If you want to reconcile with her, you need to take a hard stand and be emotionally prepared to start divorce proceedings.

She needs to be treated like a cheater deserves to be treated. If there is any chance to save your marriage, you must let her know that you will not tolerate this affair and she must end all contact immediately. If she doesn't, you will insist she leave the house and you tell her that you will file for divorce. If she agrees, then you will set the conditions for reconciliation which will include a no contact letter to him, password access, and total transparency going forward. If she doesn't comply with that, insist she leave the house and file for divorce.

Listen to the advice you will receive here. I wish I had found this forum sooner when I was in your situation a year ago.
 
#22 ·
She made the decision for you. I'm really sorry, I've been there with my ex h. You are not to blame for her cheating whatsoever. She made this choice and still is living it.

My advice is pack up her stuff and boot her out. File divorce papers. She's not going to quit seeing this guy. There are faithful women out there who will fully respect you.

When I found out my ex h was cheating I packed up my baby, clothes and moved out myself. There was nothing I wanted or needed to stay where I was at that time. I did not own a house yet. Luckily so because we were house hunting at that time.

My ex h cheats on his current wife 19 years later. This same woman moved in 3 days after I left. She allows him to cheat by sweeping his affairs under the rug. I can guarantee you that he's been with more then 3 women, he's been caught with 3.
 
#23 ·
"Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”

― Jack Canfield

It's your fear that paralyzes you, what are you afriad of? loosing your wife?, you already have...

everyone is coming at you fast and hard and telling you things that you will think are just the opposite of what you should be doing, but understand this "you can not nice someone out of an affair" you just cant! (been there done that, it will not work)

It's all about boundaries my friend, what are yours?

PS...remember this, you will be ok no matter the outcome, it may seem like the end of the world, but really it's not...you will be ok!
 
#24 ·
"Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”

― Jack Canfield

It's your fear that paralyzes you, what are you afriad of? loosing your wife?, you already have...

everyone is coming at you fast and hard and telling you things that you will think are just the opposite of what you should be doing, but understand this "you can not nice someone out of an affair" you just cant! (been there done that, it will not work)

It's all about boundaries my friend, what are yours?
You are at the point where there is nothing to lose and everything to gain my friend!
 
#25 ·
You think SHE has mental issues?
You're kidding right?

Who is ALLOWING a spouse to have a free-for-all sex weekend with an old flame? FOR MONTHS!

Who is DELUDING themselves about their spouse's intentions?

Who is strutting arond in front of YOUR WIFE hoping she chooses you over a LOSER? ( very, very, competitive - but you probably have the inside edge)

Geez dude splash some cold water on your face - then some cold water on that woman who looks like your old wife
 
#27 ·
My wife and I have been together 23 years and married for 17. Over that time we have had a very solid relationship. Other than the occasional fight we have pretty much had smooth sailing. The only area we have had any kind of issue with over the last few years was a dimishing sex life which my wife blamed me for although I always felt it was kind of a mutually shared issue. Your wife has been losing sexual attraction to you. Read Athol's Kay's blog and his book "Married Man's Sex Life." Even that, however, was only brought up maybe every year or two and then we would move on. We have no kids. Good that there are no kids involved.

Well I caught her cheating a couple of months ago with a guy she dated when she was 17 who she recently reconnected with on Facebook. I knew within a couple of weeks of the affair something was up and it took a few more weeks to flesh out all of the details. They have now been running around for 3 months. I confronted her and told her I knew in the most compassionate nonthreatening way possible about 5 weeks ago. Big mistake. At this point, once you know everything, is when you get tough with her. It should have been, "it's me or him. If it's him, then leave right now." I told her I knew most of the details of their relationship, including that they were having sex and that they had supposedly fallen "in love". She's not "in love", she's high on dopamine, a feel-good chemical that gets released when she's with this new guy. It's exciting for her. Do more research on dopamine so you fully understand what's going on with your wife.

She apologized for her actions and told me she wasn't proud of herself but basically blamed me for forcing her to behave in this manner. They always blame the loyal spouse. All you're responsible for is 50 percent of the state of the marriage. You didn't cheat, she did. That's 100 percent on her. If the marriage was so bad she could've divorced. Instead she cheated.She said she still loved me as well, however, and didn't know what she wanted to do. I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision. Big mistake. If she can't make a decision, you make the decision for her. And that decision would be to send her and her belongings out of the house to the other man's house. Your indecision makes you appear weak to her. She's biologically wired to be repelled by that behavior. She wants a confident, decisive man who doesn't take crap from anyone.
It has now been 5 weeks and she is talking, texting this guy every day and spending most weekends with him. I am left sitting at home waiting for her decision which she still says she hasn't made. Don't wait anymore. The longer you wait, the more she bonds with him and the more she's disgusted with you.
Her best friend, with whom she confides almost everything and who knows all about this, says she thinks my wife has lost her mind and is having some kind of mid life crisis or is literally having some kind of mental issue. She's high on dopamine, so to others, she appears to have lost her mind. She's not rational. She's like a drug addict. Seriously. The boyfriend is broke, has kids with his ex he can hardly support, is working part time, isn't anything to look at, etc.. Very common for the other man or woman to not be attractive. It's not so much what he looks like, it's that he's "new and exciting." My wifes friend is convinced the relationship is based around sex and will not last because they have nothing else in common other than the relationship of their youth. My wife is an intelligent, educated, professional and this guy is a "dumbass" (my wifes words) who has never held down a job and, in his mid 40s, hasn't got a penny to his name. My wife even confided to her friend that she knew that if anything ever happened to her health wise that I would stand by her but that she knew the boyfriend wouldn't. All the more reason to send your wife to the loser OM. Maybe she'll come back to reality sooner.
I have since found out that this guy has contacted her numerous times over the years and that she had always rebuffed him but this time she decided to start things back up. Pretty much like he has been stalking her and waiting for a chance to get his foot in the door with our marriage. Some of the smoke he is blowing to my wife should be seen through by the typical school girl but she is eating it all up right now, according to her friend. Getting attention is addicting.Her friend also says the fact we lead a very comfortable lifestyle which she would be giving up to be with this guy is the one thing my wife always talks about. I don't want my wife to stay with me for what I can provide so that makes me feel bad for other reasons. Then kick her out!

My wife is still living in our home and we still have a cordial relationship when she is with me. How can you be cordial with her when this is going on??? Snap out of it man!!! She is still telling me, and her friend, she loves me and doesn't know what to do. I am miserable and feel like a doormat You are a doormat!!to some degree but I also feel a responsibility for her well being and if this guy is out to hurt or take advantage of her I want to be in the picture as much as possible in case I am needed. She has mentioned moving out and getting her own place, and I have told her that is her decision to make. No it's your decision. Do it now!

My question is "Am I insane" as well as "What should I do going forward"? To me, your behavior is insane. But I do understand, since today men are becoming increasingly feminized by modern culture. Men get bombarded with propaganda to be understanding and compassionate. You need to lose that thinking. I think I have been very reasonable. Yes, you've been reasonable to HER in letting her have her cake and eat it too, with absolutely NO CONSEQUENCES. .up to now and while it really isn't doing me any good from the perspective of their relationship cooling at least I am still in the picture and getting to spend some quality time with my wife Aren't you lucky!!whom I am legitimately worried may be having some kind of mental issue or other problem.

Can somebody please give me some feedback? I have told nobody about this for obvious reasons and I am going crazy trying to figure out the appropriate course. Thank you so much for reading all of this.
 
#30 ·
Man, you guys have tore me a new one and I can't argue with a word. I really appreciate everyone spending their time trying to help me see the error of my ways. It's amazing what the perspective of others can do for a guy. Please keep it coming if anyone else has anything to add.
 
#28 ·
My wife hooked up with an old BF from FB also. They had a realationship for 15 months. I HAVE BEEN in your shoes. I know that pain and hurt you feel. You have got to wake up though, snap out of this rut your in and stand up for yourself. She isn't going to decide anything unless YOU
force the issue. On May 27th of this year, that's what I did, It was Dday #2 for me and I put an end to their relationship. I told family, told her if she wanted to continue then go live with him, but she would have
to take her 2 pi$$ing dogs with her, and leave the kids with me. BUT I WOULD NOT tolerate her seeing him one more time. It was a VERY rough few weeks after that, but she stopped seeing him.


Your wife is committing adultery over and over while you sit back and wait? wait for what? her to come around...
she's not coming around, she is addicted to a drug and it's called an affair. She is getting a high from this. And while she's in it YOU cannot compete with it.

You very well may need to tell her to leave, something I generally don't say. She has to stop seeing this man. Then you need to decide what YOU want to do next. IT's ALL about you right now. I know things seem out of control but really, honestly, you can take control right now by telling her it's over or leave. If you are not in a position to kick her out, then start the 180 (Google it) and work on you, and talk to a lawyer about your options.

YOu should NOT tolerate her actions right now, it's wrong!
 
#34 ·
I confronted her and told her I knew in the most compassionate nonthreatening way possible about 5 weeks ago.
Fun Fact: This is not the best method. You’d been better off exploding like a mad man. Acting level headed gives her the impression that it’s not that big a deal and she’ll have an easier time manipulating you.
She apologized for her actions and told me she wasn't proud of herself but basically blamed me for forcing her to behave in this manner. She said she still loved me as well, however, and didn't know what she wanted to do.
This means she isn’t going to give up the OM (not remorseful)
I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision.
This is enabling behavior. She will leave you in limbo until you take a stand. This gives her no motivation to do anything.

It has now been 5 weeks and she is talking, texting this guy every day and spending most weekends with him. I am left sitting at home waiting for her decision which she still says she hasn't made.
Of course nothing has changed, you basically told her you will live with her A.

I am miserable and feel like a doormat to some degree but I also feel a responsibility for her well being and if this guy is out to hurt or take advantage of her I want to be in the picture as much as possible in case I am needed.
You ARE a doormat. She is taking advantage of you because you let her. You are enabling the affair.

You need to stop worrying about her and worry about yourself. You are giving her all the power so she is going to keep both the M and A since she can get away with it.

LISTEN to what everyone here is saying! The ONLY way to save your marriage is to try to END IT. Your super beta behavior is causing her to lose respect for you because you refuse to stand up for yourself. The OM is irrelevant, you are not competing with him, he is just a distraction for her. The problem is with your W.

You need the “tough love” approach. Kick her out and tell her you are filing for a divorce and she can keep her boyfriend, let him take care if her. This will motivate her to actually fight for the M since she will then see what she will lose. Don’t be too eager to take her back if she starts crying or begging because once she sees you will so readily she’ll just go right back to the A. Let her worry for a while and make her earn her way back.

The biggest regret I see BS’s make after everything is over is that they wished they took a hard line with their WS at the beginning. Many wished they filed for a D the day they found the A because things would have gotten resolved much sooner (whether a D or R). The nicer you are to the WS, the worse you make things.
 
#37 ·
Also, even though we're telling you to get angry, don't yell and scream at your wife. That's also unattractive to her.

When dealing with her you want to remain calm, but in a firm and confident and in a "I don't tolerate crap from anyone" way.

Think of Clint Eastwood or John Wayne in those old western films. Or Sean Connery and Daniel Craig as James Bond. Be like those guys.
 
#38 ·
The ironic thing is that I am like those guys in every other area of my life. I am usually the cool, calm, confident guy who is one step ahead of whoever he is dealing with. I only turn to jelly with my wife, which has been a great release for me all of these years but is now impeding me doing what I need to do. In other words, I am nobodies doormat but my wife and that is going to have to stop.
 
#41 ·
Why don't YOU pack her crap.
Here's Fridays talk:

"wife-o'mine, your crap is in those bags. Take them and don't come back unless and until you can fully explain youself AND until and unless you are prepared to take ownership of healing this marriage. I accept no blame in your adultery except for allowing you to continue to live in this house.

"THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!"

Offer to call a cab. Collect her house key. Adios muchacha!
 
#43 ·
Your plan so far has been terrible. The one good thing you have going for you is that it's all out in the open. Your wife isn't hiding it anymore and your wife's friend is telling you everything and appears to be on your side.

Your story is not unique. Your wife is not unique. You are not unique. What I am going to post below is almost word for word what I posted in another thread less than a week three days ago. (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/59381-help-needed-very-much-despair.html)

Your situation is very common. There always are a few variables, but nothing significantly different. Cheaters follow a very predictable script. Betrayed spouses also follow the script. The plot outline could take one of a few courses, like bad TV movies. You and your wife both are following the script to a T.

Your wife is "fence-sitting" and "eating cake." She is "in love" with the other man. This will run its course on its own. In about a year, or two, maybe at longest three. That's how long it takes to get over the "in love" feeling, which eventually turns into the kind of love you and your wife have for each other, the more mature settled kind of love, not the exciting, not-knowing-what's-going-to-happen-next, butterfly-in-the-stomach love. After the "in love" feeling wears off, your wife may stay with the other man out of habit for a year or a few more. Then she will contact you via Facebook, remembering only the good times, and want to reunite with you. If she doesn't meet anyone else in between. So, if you follow your current course, you might have your wife back in 7-10 years or so.

Your wife wants the safety of you at home and the excitement of her new lover. She's not going to give up either unless you force her to (or unless the other man gets hit by a bus, struck by lightning, finds someone else, or otherwise dumps her).

You can wait until hell freezes over and it still won't be enough time for your wife to decide to stay with you. The only way you are going to save your marriage is to end the affair. That is the first step and no guarantee that you can save your marriage.

Your wife is "in love" with the other man, which means she is infatuated, gets butterflies in the stomach, like a teenager with a crush. Her "affair" with the other man is pure fantasy-land; none of the harsh realities of life intrudes. In her affair with him, she does not have to pick up his dirty underwear off the floor, do laundry, cook, clean, or deal with any of life's unpleasantness. With him, there is only I love you's, sex, and talk of living in a perfect fantasy world together. Of course, no such perfect fantasy world awaits your wife, and somewhere deep down she knows that, but a big part of her wants to believe in that fantasy, just like you want to believe that she will come to her senses on her own. She won't.

Right now, she likes the fact that she can still have her other man knowing you will be there as a backup in case it falls through. She is sitting on the fence eating cake.

There is a reason she hasn't left you for him - what is it? He is not ready to take her in? She can't support herself? She would take a major hit to the lifestyle you provide? Other man hasn't asked her to leave you for him yet?

If she is in love with him and they are soulmates destined to be together since high school, why hasn't she left you for him yet?

First, force the issue with your wife. Tell her you're done waiting for her to "choose you." How humiliating! You're her husband; she took vows with you; if she doesn't want you, pack up her stuff, load up the car, and offer to drop her off at the other man's house. Tell her you love her and want to improve yourself and want to improve your marriage, but there's no way you're going to be anyone's backup plan. Either she commits to you and the marriage or she can get the heck out and go live with the other man. Tell her she already has had five weeks to decide and now you are giving her five more minutes - FIVE MINUTES - to decide. If she can't decide, or doesn't commit to the marriage, wish her all the happiness in the world. Then call the other man and tell him you've got his soulmate all packed up and ready to go, you'll be over in a few to drop her off with all her baggage.

If your wife does choose to commit to the marriage, she agrees to give up all contact with the other man now and forever, handwrite a no contact letter to the other man, and give you complete transparency of all her communication devices and accounts. If she can't agree to this, proceed as stated above and file for divorce.

Divorce is a long process. You can always stop it if your wife comes to her senses. If not, you save yourself months and months of pain and unhappiness, which ends in a bad result anyway.

If your wife does not want to meet your conditions and work on the marriage, start moving on with your life. Stop engaging with her as your wife, and start engaging with her as your soon-to-be-ex-wife. Be pleasant, but not romantic. Talk to her only as needed to discuss the divorce settlement. If you are financing her affair in any way, stop. Provide housing, clothing, food - but you don't have to pay for any means she uses to cheat on you.

Also, if she doesn't choose to re-commit to the marriage right away, expose the affair to the other man's family and friends. Expose the affair to you and your wife's family and friends. Let them know the other man's name and ask for their support in saving your family and your marriage. Don't tell your wife you are going to do this, just do it.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. You cannot "nice" your wife out of her affair. Your plan is terrible and the only way it will work is if the other man loses interest or gets run over by a train.

Allowing your wife to cheat on you while she stays in the house married to you is not normal. Either she divorces you and moves out or she gives up the affair.

Also, the longer you allow this to go on, the more respect your wife is losing for you. She sees a weak-willed man who is not willing to stand up for himself. When she sees the other man, although financially poor, she sees a strong man who goes after what he wants and doesn't stop until he gets it. No doubt the other man is belittling you to your wife every chance he gets. And she is listening to it and not disputing it, nodding her head, saying, "yes, I know, but I feel sorry for him, he has no one else." If the situation were reversed, do you think she would tolerate it the way you are? Why are you willing to put up with her cheating on you right under your nose?

Some posters come here and say they're putting up with it for the sake of the kids and, although that behavior doesn't work, kids or not, at least I can understand it. With you having no kids to worry about and a wife who is openly having sex with another man and rubbing it in your face, I can't understand why you would tolerate it.

You do realize that what your wife is doing to you is the ultimate in disrespect, right? She is rubbing it in your face. How could she say that she loves you, even as a friend, and do this to you? How mean and humiliating is it for her to go out, day in and day out, and have sex with the other man while you sit at home alone? Do you even really want to take her back after this anyway?

Stand up for yourself now.
 
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