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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My wife and I have been together 23 years and married for 17. Over that time we have had a very solid relationship. Other than the occasional fight we have pretty much had smooth sailing. The only area we have had any kind of issue with over the last few years was a dimishing sex life which my wife blamed me for although I always felt it was kind of a mutually shared issue. Even that, however, was only brought up maybe every year or two and then we would move on. We have no kids.

Well I caught her cheating a couple of months ago with a guy she dated when she was 17 who she recently reconnected with on Facebook. I knew within a couple of weeks of the affair something was up and it took a few more weeks to flesh out all of the details. They have now been running around for 3 months. I confronted her and told her I knew in the most compassionate nonthreatening way possible about 5 weeks ago. I told her I knew most of the details of their relationship, including that they were having sex and that they had supposedly fallen "in love".

She apologized for her actions and told me she wasn't proud of herself but basically blamed me for forcing her to behave in this manner. She said she still loved me as well, however, and didn't know what she wanted to do. I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision.

It has now been 5 weeks and she is talking, texting this guy every day and spending most weekends with him. I am left sitting at home waiting for her decision which she still says she hasn't made.

Her best friend, with whom she confides almost everything and who knows all about this, says she thinks my wife has lost her mind and is having some kind of mid life crisis or is literally having some kind of mental issue. The boyfriend is broke, has kids with his ex he can hardly support, is working part time, isn't anything to look at, etc.. My wifes friend is convinced the relationship is based around sex and will not last because they have nothing else in common other than the relationship of their youth. My wife is an intelligent, educated, professional and this guy is a "dumbass" (my wifes words) who has never held down a job and, in his mid 40s, hasn't got a penny to his name. My wife even confided to her friend that she knew that if anything ever happened to her health wise that I would stand by her but that she knew the boyfriend wouldn't.

I have since found out that this guy has contacted her numerous times over the years and that she had always rebuffed him but this time she decided to start things back up. Pretty much like he has been stalking her and waiting for a chance to get his foot in the door with our marriage. Some of the smoke he is blowing to my wife should be seen through by the typical school girl but she is eating it all up right now, according to her friend. Her friend also says the fact we lead a very comfortable lifestyle which she would be giving up to be with this guy is the one thing my wife always talks about. I don't want my wife to stay with me for what I can provide so that makes me feel bad for other reasons.

My wife is still living in our home and we still have a cordial relationship when she is with me. She is still telling me, and her friend, she loves me and doesn't know what to do. I am miserable and feel like a doormat to some degree but I also feel a responsibility for her well being and if this guy is out to hurt or take advantage of her I want to be in the picture as much as possible in case I am needed. She has mentioned moving out and getting her own place, and I have told her that is her decision to make.

My question is "Am I insane" as well as "What should I do going forward"? I think I have been very reasonable up to now and while it really isn't doing me any good from the perspective of their relationship cooling at least I am still in the picture and getting to spend some quality time with my wife whom I am legitimately worried may be having some kind of mental issue or other problem.

Can somebody please give me some feedback? I have told nobody about this for obvious reasons and I am going crazy trying to figure out the appropriate course. Thank you so much for reading all of this.
 

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Dude, you need to wake up. I'm not saying that in a sh-tty way either. I'm saying it as this: YOU are allowing your WIFE to go sleep with another guy!! YOU are allowing her to give him everything that she's supposed to be giving you.

Go look in the mirror and ask yourself the following question: When is enough, enough?!!

Seriously, man. A guy who she knew when she was 17?! And you're letting her go see him?! YOU have the ability to stop this with one simple move. Take all of her clothing and put it in a bag and bring it to the other guy's house. Let her know that you've made the decision for her.

You're acting like a doormat for this woman who is a pure cake eater. STOP!!!!
 

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It has now been 5 weeks and she is talking, texting this guy every day and spending most weekends with him. I am left sitting at home waiting for her decision which she still says she hasn't made.

she already made it, its called cake eating, like dig said read the newbie link, learn it, live it....

You can get thru this and you will be ok, its not the end of the world, stand tall....
 

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universe23, you better brace yourself. You're going to get some harsh replies. Replies that are going to be painful for you to read, because it's going to be hard for you to take a good look at yourself and realize what a pathetic doormat you're being.

You can't simply let your wife see this guy and hope it runs its course and she suddenly realizes she's making a mistake. Right now you're in an open marriage. And you're doing nothing about it. In fact you said you confronted her in a "compassionate, non-threatening way" after you found out about her affair. What???!!!
Right there, that's a sure way to get your wife to lose respect for you. She sees you as weak, which is unattractive to her.

A real man, a man that women find attractive, would never, ever put up with this. Every day you let this go on your wife is losing respect for you. You don't even respect yourself.

Kick your wife out of the house. Send her to the other man's house or apartment, whatever. Reality needs to hit her hard.

Be a man.
 

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Im not one to be giving advice cause im going thru some bullsh*t with my own wife.

But the thing is you know that she is sleeping with another man for 3 months now.

If i knew what you know i would of filed for divorce a long time ago. I would not stand for my wife to sleep with another man and then come home to me and tell me she doesn't know what she wants in life. And your allowing it by telling her to take her time making a decision and by also basically saying that she can still sleep with him till she feels she doesn't want him no more if thats what she decides.

She knows what she wants in life thats why she is still seeing and texting and calling the other man. Everybody knows what they do their is no excuse for anybodys actions.

You need to snap outta it and fast. You got all the proof of what she is doing and you just letting it happen.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thanks for the responses. I can't really argue with anything any of you have said. I would certainly be saying the same thing if it wasn't happening to me. Should I just tell her to leave and not come back until she knows what she wants to do or should I go ahead and permanently end it? My concern is that something may be wrong with her, although after reading the newbie thread it sounds like her behavior is pretty typical of "the fog". I know I'm getting slammed but it's good for me to hear this since this is the first time I've solicited advice from anyone so please keep responding.
 

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You let her go out and screw another man while you wait alone at home and you sound proud of yourself being reasonable. :scratchhead:


I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision.

This sounds sooo reasonable. How much time will you give her?

Months? Years?

Again, another man who prides himself on being a cuckold.

She will take as much time as you give her and as long as you sit there alone waiting for her return she'll keep screwing this guy.

BTW are you paying for this lifestyle she has?
 

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You have messed up already. You DO NOT give a WS time to make up their mind. She needs to be given 24 hrs to make a choice. You or her POS OM.

Steps to take if she choses you:
1. Force NC. She has to write or call him in front of you to state that it is over. And then you let her know that if there is any form of contact on her part the marriage is over. You will take it as a sign that she is not willing to commit.
2. You are now to have all access to her computer(s) and phone(s). There will be no secrets.
3. She needs IC and/or MC.

Steps to take if she choses him:
1. Draw up divorce papers.
2. Withdraw 50% of all joint money.
3. Ask her to leave the house.

During all of this you need to take care of yourself.
 

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I don't know if I can say anything that would make you feel better. I think that you have to shoulder part of the blame for this situation, in that I think you helped create the environment that makes her feel she can do this with impunity and get away with it. Effectively, she has made you a cuckold. The fact that you are still home and cordial with her means that she has "gotten away with it". Do you have a passive personality where she has always been able to do what she wants without consideration for your feelings?

I would get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings immediately. For me her behavior has put you in a spot where there can be no reconciliation from. Ask her to leave the house and expose the affair to anyone who will listen. I personally don't see any coming back from this.
 

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You let her go out and screw another man while you wait alone at home and you sound proud of yourself being reasonable. :scratchhead:


I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision.

This sounds sooo reasonable. How much time will you give her?

Months? Years?

Again, another man who prides himself on being a cuckold.

She will take as much time as you give her and as long as you sit there alone waiting for her return she'll keep screwing this guy.

BTW are you paying for this lifestyle she has?
Stop paying for her boyfriend!:banghead::banghead:
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Being passive about being cheated does not sound like a good idea.
It almost seems like you are trying to rationalize your wifes actions and also repress your emotions.
Heck, Id' be getting angry, if I was you. REALLY ANGRY! Don't be a doormat nor a second choice!
I can assure you have been extremely angry and we have had multiple fights over the last couple of months. I was only calm when I initially told her because I didn't want to lose my composure and had time to plan every word I was going to say. Since then we have had several angry exchanges when her behavior has set me off. I may be acting like a doormat but my wife knows I'm an angry one.
 

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OK Ill ply you with sympathy. I hate seeing antone, male of female in a situation like this and its probabley the worst type of thing to have to go through outside death.

Now lets have some clear sky thinking here. Mid life crises DO NOT EXIST. It is the name given to cover infidelity and unreasonable behaviour.

Your W has been cheating on you. She has turned a sexual issue you may or may not have into an excuse to bed someone else. As you you seem not too know 100% how long its been going on but you have at least found evidence to give you a time line.

Ask yourself when she is with the other guy is she thinking about you? About your feeling? About the marridge vows taken..... NOPE

Is there a reason to accept her excuse for sex outside your marridge. NOPE!

Are you doing the right thing by sitting there worrying if she is going to throw the other guy over and come back to you. NOPE.

Please think clearly. will you ever be able to trust her out of your site again?

Will you really want to have sex with her knowing what shes been doing and why

She is at the moment using the "I dont know what to do" statement like a perscription for sex. If she doent knwo what to do why does she not stay in your home, think about the options and then commit to them?
Instead she is with the other guy having a great old time filling her boots and then if that goes TU will come back to you saying she made a mistake, she wants you (not the other guys kicked her over).

If you now pack up her gear, place as much in as few refuse sacks as ossible and then, change the locks on the doors, stop stop her funding and then phone her teling her where her belongings are and the fact that if she doesnt get them soon the charity store near by is collecting clothes and is likely to take them perhaps some reality will set in.
she IS playing you for a fool (I hate saying it ) She is making your life a hell on earth and sadly because of your feelings for the person SHE USED TO BE you are allowing it. It appears that some D papers need to be prepared and placed in her hand at some early point - That in itself may clear her head a little. But unless you take control and quickly ou maky find this otehr guy lying in your bed,eating your food and enjoying your hard earned wages.
 

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I can assure you have been extremely angry and we have had multiple fights over the last couple of months. I was only calm when I initially told her because I didn't want to lose my composure and had time to plan every word I was going to say. Since then we have had several angry exchanges when her behavior has set me off. I may be acting like a doormat but my wife knows I'm an angry one.
But she's still doing it !
 

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Discussion Starter #17
You let her go out and screw another man while you wait alone at home and you sound proud of yourself being reasonable. :scratchhead:


I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision.

This sounds sooo reasonable. How much time will you give her?

Months? Years?

Again, another man who prides himself on being a cuckold.

She will take as much time as you give her and as long as you sit there alone waiting for her return she'll keep screwing this guy.

BTW are you paying for this lifestyle she has?
When I said that I honestly thought it would be a few days or maybe a week. That did seem reasonable at the time but now it has progressed to 5 weeks and I am losing my sanity.
 

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When I said that I honestly thought it would be a few days or maybe a week. That did seem reasonable at the time but now it has progressed to 5 weeks and I am losing my sanity.
Nothing about this is reasonable! 5 minutes is unreasonable!
 

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I'm sorry you are here, but you came to the right place. Clearly, you will find out from the veterans on this board that you are taking an approach that is a disaster waiting to happen.

Yes, you are letting her you treat you like a doormat and you need to do the 180 on her immediately (look for the 180 link). She has zero respect for you. If you want to reconcile with her, you need to take a hard stand and be emotionally prepared to start divorce proceedings.

She needs to be treated like a cheater deserves to be treated. If there is any chance to save your marriage, you must let her know that you will not tolerate this affair and she must end all contact immediately. If she doesn't, you will insist she leave the house and you tell her that you will file for divorce. If she agrees, then you will set the conditions for reconciliation which will include a no contact letter to him, password access, and total transparency going forward. If she doesn't comply with that, insist she leave the house and file for divorce.

Listen to the advice you will receive here. I wish I had found this forum sooner when I was in your situation a year ago.
 
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