[LadyEC]

Please give me advice, my marrige is over...

This is going to be a long, long paragraph before the question, since I have to explain a few things, just to try to get the best feedback from anyone.... and I'm desperate…

My husband and I have been together for 13 years (between dating and been married), this is since collage, we are not from the states and we‘ve been living in the USA for about 6 - 7 years now since we got married. I'm going to be very truthful and give as much detail as I can so bear with me, while we were dating I really didn’t think that he loved me, I know it’s no excuse and acted like a child, so I use to date other guys whenever he broke up with me or I broke up with him, just because. So it wasn’t like I was straight up cheating, but he found out about it and he thinks it was cheating. We got pass that and we got married and moved to the USA, he started acting like he didn’t want to be with me, we got separated several times, for X, Y or Z, it was always a different reasons and sometimes even stupid ones.

We decided to start from “scratch” but then he got a few friends and started going out and staying until really late at night, dancing and clubbing. Then I found out he was sleeping with someone for about 3 months, she said that she was expecting a baby from him. We found out that she was lying and she was saying it because I can’t have kids very easily (btw, I have fertility problems) and she wanted to hurt me. He asked me for forgiveness and I did or I thought I had forgiven him. About 5 months after that I went on vacation alone, back to my hometown and I admit I was unfaithful and as soon as I got back from the trip, I felt horrible and ended it the relationship with my husband and also the affair. My husband wanted us to try again and we did. Well now I swear I wanted to try everything, I started doing fertility treatments, we were doing great on our communication skills, even our sex life was better. I started getting discourage because the fertility treatments didn’t work and I stopped, and decided to give myself and him a break of all the emotional stress that the treatments can cause and then all of a sudden he started acting up again. We decided to go on vacation back to our hometown for my nephew’s birthday, three weeks or two before our trip I found out that he was talking to a girl from our hometown, when I asked about all the text messages he said that it wasn’t anything, that he was wrong for acting like that and that he wasn’t going to talk to the girl again (the girl leaves in our hometown).

So we went on vacation, while there he was acting like he was single the entire 13 days we were there, and he even said that he was going to stay and not come back to the USA with me, we had a huge fight. And at the last minute he decided to come back to the USA with me. Three weeks after we got back from our vacation trip, he said he wasn’t happy anymore and that he was thinking about moving back to our hometown, mind you, by himself leaving me behind. I found texts messages of him and the same girl, and sow that he is still talking to her, the one from our hometown. I confronted him and he said that she was just a friend from High School, and that they are only friends. He said that he is not moving because of her, that it’s because of him and that our relationship is the way it is because of the both of us and our behaviors, that I never wanted to go back to treatments to try to have a child, that I don’t look like I want one, I told him that I was not trying anymore because he didn’t seem that he wanted to be in this relationship since he’s been acting up. His last answer to me was that he was leaving because I gave up on trying to have kids and that he is going back to our hometown because he wasn’t doing anything productive were we leave right now, that he’s better off over there. But he’s not leaving right now because he understands that we have a couple of things to arrange and common bills to pay off and that he’s not going to leave me hanging with all the problems since he’s not that type of man, and once everything is sort out then he was leaving, and he didn’t know when.

But he still want us to sleep together (I know I’m the bad one because I also want to) he acts like nothing is going on. OOhhh and he still texting left and right, I don’t know with whom because I don’t see the texts but I know is with her because he’s always hiding his cell phone when he’s texting or doesn’t leave phone on an areas where I could see it or find it, he always hides it. My question is, should I fight for the relationship or should I just let him leave when we sort all our common bills and financial issues? I do love my husband and when we got back together this last time I vowed on doing all the right things for our relationship to work. What should I do? I’m hurting right now; I’m desperate and even ashamed on how we have both behaved. He acts like he loves me, but sometimes he acts like he doesn’t. Please give me some advice…..

 

[anx]

You are both very much hurting and distrustful. You have both behaved poorly. There isn't an answer if you should Saturday with him. It's something you both need to decide and have both devalued.

There isn't too much advise we can give. You can sit down with your husband and really talk about this, but there isn't a clear answer to your story.
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[DayDream]

What Anx says and then some! One or the other of you need to stop tripping and decide you are going to be grown up about a relationship and then proceed from there. Whether or not you stay together, I don't know...but since both of you are going out on one another you can't really point your finger and place blame. It would do no good. So sit your husband down and tell him you are tired of living this way (if that is, indeed, the case), that you want to straighten up your lives, that you want stability once and for all, and if he cannot provide that for you or doesn't want to try, then it's over. One of you has to move on to something solid and trustworthy. It'll be hard to clean that slate between the two of you, but it isn't totally impossible. But the trust issue has been beaten to a pulp, so it'll be hard to put that back together again. It's going to take work and letting go.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Jellybeans]

There is a lot of damage here to sift through if you guys plan to reconcile.

You want to. But the question is: does HE want to.

It takes two. As long as he's having his affair (and it sounds like he is), I would NOT sleep with him if I were you.



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[LadyEC]

Thank you all for the advice. I shouldn't probably start my reply with,"I know that I should do all of the things you guys suggested", but I do, I know we have hurt each other and acted like kids playing house, when we should have acted like two ground adults in a marrige.

Anx, all of the things you said to me are right, it's painfull to read them and more to admit them but you are right.

Stillme4you I already sat down with him the last time we got back together and we both decided to act like adults and work things out, but I guess he decided it wasn't worth it anymore or just gave up on us. Jellybeans, he acts like he wants to be with me one moment and others acts like he is really miserable. I really, trully know that I have to call it quits, but its so hard, specially when you love someone, I know he's with someone else, and I also think we, people in general, are selfish and that's probably why I'm acting like I don't want to leave him even dough I know I have to.

I bealeve that's one of the reasons I started this post and wanted to get the real feedback, because sometimes people who doesn't really know you are the best ones to give you the true advice and hear the stuff you already know but are afraid of saying, and usually your friends don't want to say it. So, reallyN thank you all for the real advice.
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[SunnyT]

Wow. How old are you two? You both sound way too immature to even grasp what a commitment is. Neither one of you cares about the other NOT to have sex with someone else. How can that work in a marriage?

Why on earth would anyone want to save this relationship? There is not one solid thing to base it on. :scratchhead: Why reconcile with someone who you don't care enough about? Or who doesn't care enough about you? And as far as having sex with H in the meantime, sure....why not? But it will just drag things out longer and make the emotions stupider, while you both have one foot out the door and are busy seeking your next lay.

Sort the finances and get divorced. Live by yourself for awhile. Learn to take care of yourself and don't commit to anyone until you really KNOW what commitment means.

eta:
but I guess he decided it wasn't worth it anymore or just gave up on us.
...because there ISN'T any "us"...and there hasn't been since before you got married...

 

[LadyEC]

Wow. How old are you two? You both sound way too immature to even grasp what a commitment is. Neither one of you cares about the other NOT to have sex with someone else. How can that work in a marriage?

Ok SunnyT... Thanks for the slap in the face, and I'm saying this without sarcasm, so don't take it wrong.

I'm not sleeping around, I know I acted stupid in my relationship and we both did very immature things. I did try to act mature and work out our differences and issues,and I know that I'm probably better alone but it's said than done...thanks for the advice
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