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Hi there. I'm 21 years old, in the United States Air Force as a Civil Engineer and I feel like my life since marriage has been a complete disappointment. Let me tell you my story and I'm completely open to ANY advice. I know this is gonna be long but I want to be as thorough as possible to eliminate as much of a bias view as possible... so PLEASE bear with me!

I met my wife through a friend my freshman year of High School. We dated for all of my years in High School and the sex was decent for living 40 minutes away (maybe once every 2 weeks or so). After I graduated we both moved in together away from home (about 3 hours away) to start college together. After 2 weeks of living together she starts feeling homesick (no sex) because she's the only one ever at the apartment because I was working 40+ hours a week while going to school for 15 credit hours. She lived in the same house for 21 years so I felt like I was understanding. Our relationship began to get rocky and she moved back home and we broke up (no sex). She then commuted every Tuesday and Thursday for 6 hours round trip because she couldn't stay at the apartment. I was okay by myself because I was paying everything by myself anyways. During this time of being single and in college, I used it to my advantage and explored with several different ladies each coming back which was refreshing because I thought the reason my (ex at the time) wasnt wanting it was because of my lack of abilities. BUT ANYWAY

I then get laid off because my school work was cutting into my job. Moved back home and we start talking again. I decide my life was better WITH her so I take her back and I enlisted into the Air Force to make a career for myself (sex at least twice a day before I left for basic training).

After basic training and tech school, I was sent to Korea for a year unaccompanied. Before I left I proposed to her because I could see myself with her for the rest of my life (assumed that our sexual relationship would only blossom after marriage and living alone together).

I come home after 6 months in Korea to get married. BIG, all out wedding. Rented a hotel room afterward to finally consummate without being inside of her parents house. NOTHING happened. We got inside the room... I popped some champagne... and I get the ever so worn out "I'm so tired, I cant even keep my eyes open". I tried anyways. She just shrugged me off. I went to sleep pissed off. In the month I was home on leave we didnt have sex once. I left unaccompanied for another 6 months to complete my year tour in Korea.

After Korea, I came home for 2 weeks (no sex) to get all of our stuff together to move to Hawaii for my next duty station. Here is where I thought our marriage would really sky rocket. All of the feelings would just EXPLODE. Oh how was I wrong. We've been here in Hawaii for 7 months now and we have had sex a total of two... TWO times!! We've even been through Valentine's Day... our one year anniversary... Christmas... both my 21st birthday and her 22nd... No sex ANY of those days.

We've had many MANY discussions about our sexual relationship and how I feel it's a very important part of a marriage. She seems to not care if she would have sex ever again nor search out if she has any problems preventing her to WANT to. You know how if you've gone without sex for a longer period of time than normal then you start to realize all of the little stuff that irritates the SH*T out of you? This is that time. When I try to talk to her about things that upset me she thinks I'm just criticizing her. When I do say something about sex she says that's all I ever think about. True... sex is like air... it's not important unless you're not getting any!!

It's our first time living together and she's transitioned quite well. She's not homesick that I can tell. But I'm not realizing stuff about her that I completely despise. She has over $30,000 in student loans with no degree, a $16,000 car, a mandatory Blackberry phone that's over $100 a month, and a couple of credit cards that are probably $1000 each. Oh, she had no aspirations to get a job until I made her get one while here in Hawaii. She got one... working 4 hours a day doing toddler tumbling. She gets home and is SOO EXHAUSTED so she sits around on the computer and watches her "shows"! When I come home I usually do a load of laundry, dishes, and clean up the house a little before either her or I make dinner.

I am deploying and she's going home because she doesn't want to be here by herself not knowing anyone. So she quit her job and she wants to go home and take this Medical Transcriptionist course that costs $1800. Okay... fine.

It's to the point where we argue about every little thing because deep down I despise her for taking something that should be shared between two married people away from me. She doesnt want to see anyone about it nor talk to me about it. I feel neglected. She obviously doesnt care about my needs. I got a Maxim magazine in the mail the other day because it was a free 3 month subscription and she wanted me to explain myself on why I ordered it. She ripped it up and threw it in the trash in front of me and I just told her I felt sorry for her because she is so self conscious.

I was talking to one of my female friends at work (because I cant talk to them anywhere else, cause if she knew I talked to other females she would completely blow up at me) and she told me I was too nice of a guy for her to deserve me and is completely astonished that I havent sought out a release elsewhere.


That's not the complete story but I just realized how long this was and I'm sure no one is gonna read it so I'll stop here. There's just too many stuff that's bothering me to type down on here. This is majority of it... but PLEASE if you do make it through this comment on what I should do because I feel like if things don't get any better after I come back from my deployment... I'll have no choice but to divorce her. When do you cross the line because you are no longer happy with your life? I'd love to carry my vows to the grave with me... but where does that line exist? Thank you sooo much ahead of time.
 

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Maybe your wife has no self esteem. Sounds like she is one with all of the issues. Your issue is valid my friend. We are living in similar worlds, but my wife works. Her life is kids, email, shopping on the internet, her mom, work/school, and I am no where on the list.

So, while she moves home tell her she needs to get something going and to start paying off her bills. Ensure that she has enough money to function and live, but other than that she needs to learn. I showed my wife using excel how she pissed $150 a month on nails. That fixed that damn problem right there.

Set the expectation and follow through. That is all I have now. I have a ton on problems on my end as well. I wish you good luck. She might just be a mommas girl like my wife and you are toast.
 

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She might just be a mommas girl like my wife and you are toast.
That's a definitely. She calls her every day for an hour. I appreciate the comment though. I'm glad someone is down on my level.

We actually went to a financial councilor and we got it all settled out that if we keep making payments then we'll be out of debt in 2 years. Well that's all find and dandy but it's all of my money while she sits at home. I believe in the whole what's yours is mine thing. But there's an extent to that. If you're gonna sit at home and do nothing with your life, you should have very minimal say in what the money is used on. Luckily she doesn't blow money on nails and whatnot. Just school which she doesn't use.

I'm assuming she doesn't have any self esteem but that's only brought on herself. I tell her she looks beautiful almost every day. Not this "Hey beautiful". I genuinely tell her because I believe it's true. Yet I tell her that she should probably stop snacking all day because she's not as active as she once used to be and it's a health risk in her family because of diabetes. She took it as an insult. Then on a weekly basis she says how she needs to lose weight cause she's fat and cant fit into any of her High School clothes. Uh Duh!
 

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Clearly your wife doesnt aprisiate the good man that you are... No man will alow a woman to use and abuse him like you do. She is taking advantage of your good heart...

I say toss her she is goin to bring you down with her... This is clearly a woman who hates the fact that you are a success and she is not, now she is punishing you for that by not giving you sex...

For being a mommas girl yes all woman are mommas girls but there is a limit for that too, you need to spend more time with your husband.... If you have children then time for momma is going to be less, Allow her to talk to her mother atleast twice a week....

And you are not responsible to pay for her accounts if she is spending money that she doesnt have then she needs to pay these accounts with money she needs to make plan with.

Stop punishing yourself with this woman who is clearly just using you...

you need a woman who can give you the love and attension that you deserve.
 

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No man will alow a woman to use and abuse him like you do.
I do this because I love her.

I am responsible to pay for her accounts. I married her knowing how much debt she accrued over the years. I realized that when we said "I do" then that meant her debt is my debt, her entitlements are mine and so forth. Don't get me wrong she doesnt go off and buy a new pair of shoes every week. She is responsible with money to the sense that she doesnt buy what she "wants" majority of the time. First she will consult me and I usually disagree with the purchase so she doesn't get it.

I agree, I do deserve a woman's love and devotion, but where do I go from here? Do I just drop her? Say sorry for playing? I've already considered divorce but what do I tell her if she doesnt want to result to marriage counciling?
 

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My first recommendation is to get divorced. You are too young to be married. At least SHE is. You are in for a world of hurt. She is a User and you are a Giver; it will never change.

Barring that, you have to cut her off financially. Stop paying for cable, cell phone, internet and anything else she uses. Set it up so that only you have access to these things. If she wants it, she can get a job. Do whatever you have to do so that you are not liable for her bills. Tell her that you won't continue to be her Sugar Daddy if you aren't getting the benefits.

Try that and see what happens.

btw, you are NOT responsible to pay her accounts just because you married her. I don't know why you would think that.
 

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Let me say that I empathize with your situation. When you lack something for so long, you can't focus on anything else.

While it is not impossible to beat these issues, lets just say that the general odds are not in your favor. Sexual chemistry is very important, and while you may have had it once, it is not a guarantee you will ever get it back.

You said one very important thing which emphasizes how serious this is: your wife does not believe there is a problem. THAT is a problem, and a huge one at that. You didn't give any other background on her as to what her issues may really be, but if she is not going to even TRY to discuss it with you, despite seeing how much it upsets you, then what is the point in wasting any more time and money.

I think you should begin planning for divorce. Don't have her served yet, because hopefully when you do, she'll realize you are serious and be willing to work on things. However, there are steps you must take first.

I don't know how residency works in the military, but you need to be very familiar with the laws of wherever you carry this out in. It varies state to state and if you don't do your homework, you could end up with a very expensive bill.

That comment about not paying her accounts is very bad advice, depending on the laws of your state. In certain states, marital assets are fair game. While this might not apply to any debt acquired before the marriage (which it sounds like her credit cards and some of her loans were), you need to speak to someone who knows the laws. You don't want to have to pay late fees or hurt your credit because you tried to save a few bucks up front.

Not to mention that the fact she hasn't worked could cost you BIG TIME. Ever heard the phrase "its cheaper to keep her?" You could end up having to support her in the manner she is accustomed to now. It would be worth staying married just to avoid this.

You also need a good case. You need to document (factually, with dates, not just guesses) what you've tried and when. Ideally you would go to counseling. Go by yourself if she won't. You need to establish the fact that you are the victim who has tried everything to fix things if you want a shot at getting out of this unscathed.

And if you DO serve her and she doesn't want to work on things.... well get ready to see the absolute worst of her. Get ANYTHING that you truly care about out of the house and away from her access. Protect your identity (put freezes on your credit). Get yourself off any joint cards, and do not keep a joint account. Set up a separate account for her into which you deposit money. You want to avoid her running off with the communal funds.

This is a very sad situation and I'm sorry you have to go through it. You aren't even roommates at this point (since roommates pay equal shares). You are essentially carrying a big useless rock, and getting absolutely nothing out of it.
 

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I think you really need to evaluate this relationship and ask yourself what you are willing to except and not except. First of, no woman, should be sitting at home doing nothing and racking up debt while your off working your butt off. I think she doesn't appreciate you at all and is taking you for a ride. She may be having problems whether they are emotional or physical doesn't matter she needs to work on them, because you are the one who is paying the price for whatever it is she is going through. I am in a reverse situation, I practically have to beg for sex for a week before I get it, that is not normal for a man to never want sex I don't care what anyone says. Feeling rejected is the worst pain in the world, believe me I know. Marriage is a serious thing and sex is an important part of any relationship you need to feel not only the physical connection it brings but the emotional ones as well. I would talk to her about how much you are hurting and if she is not willing to change, that is your answer right there. It is better to be alone and miserable than have someone else make you miserable. You sound like a harding working man, who doesn't deserve this isolation. Good luck!
 

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Barring that, you have to cut her off financially. Stop paying for cable, cell phone, internet and anything else she uses. Set it up so that only you have access to these things. If she wants it, she can get a job. Do whatever you have to do so that you are not liable for her bills. Tell her that you won't continue to be her Sugar Daddy if you aren't getting the benefits.
So she will get money if she puts out? That's prostitution, not marriage.

OP, if you aren't happy, then insist on counseling--and if she won't go, go yourself. Plan an exit strategy, as chopblock laid out very thoughtfully.

Being married means you cannot have sex with anyone else, so the two of you need to find a way to reconnect, or move on--for the good of you both. She seems to have some underlying motivational issues--poor self-esteem (and saying she is beautiful may be reinforcing this, if she feels incompetent or stupid--she may feel she's only good to look at but not good for anything else, for example), or maybe depression. But if she isn't willing to get help, there isn't much you can do about it. Urge her to go to counseling for her own sake, even if she isn't interested in marriage counseling at this point. If you love her, then you'll be willing to give it a try. Don't make anything conditional on you getting sex--you want her to DESIRE you, not to feel obligated, b/c having sex w/o desire is a sure way to ruin it--possibly forever.
 

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Greetings . In reading your essay above the first thought that came to my mind was communication breakdown.. You and your wife both have significant barriers to communication. I realize your request is fair and you are right sexual relations is a marriage is very important and it increases the love and bond between both partners. However, there has to be communication, partnership and desire before the physical. Sounds as if you are unable to really talk with your wife about your needs and desires. Sounds as if she is harboring resentment and anger towards you. I suggest that you consider couples counseling, and possibly some sex therapy. Your wife may be very inexperienced and unaware as to how satisfying a healthy sexual life can be. Sometimes education helps. Also, your wife may not understand the differences between a man and a woman. Woman receive intimacy through conversation, romance, activities with there partner and this then leads to desire for sexual intimacy. Men find the intimacy in the sexual act and love making. This is where much of there intimacy needs are met. Not to discount the stress relief and the relaxation that comes after orgasm. I also would suggest that you have your wife go to a gynecologist. She may have a physical issue which prevents her from enjoying sexual relations. Or she may experience pain. I would try some of these options before you contemplate divorce. As you stated that you want to be married for life. Good luck to you. and Be safe on your Deployment
Darleena Anderson LPC MHSP NCC
 

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wow....i feel bad for you. but you really have to decide how badly you want it to work. If you do then you have to make sure you carefully examine every step you make and how anything and everything makes her feel. I would suggest go to couselling if you want it to work.

I'm just putting myself in her position, and I think I would be very envious of your success, the fact that you are so sucessful and smart. You are en ENGINEER....most people are threatened by this to begin with. (i know this since I am one myself). you should use this to motivate her and encourage her in whatever higher education she wants to get. Don't be derogatory AT ALL. She should be proud of her husband and that she is the woman behind the successful husband.

And in my opinion....if you want it to work....the maxim magazine was a bad idea....as much as I understand what drove you to it. Be Strong!!! I hope it works out for you!!

oh if you are wondering this is a womans opinion!!!
 
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