[Adelais]

I understand your frustration and finally giving up on your husband ever changing. He has igored your pleas for years, and belittled you. You are what is called a "Walkaway wife." It is a false word, however, as it implies that a wife just up and decided to leave, blindsiding her husband, when in fact, she has told him for years what she needed, and he ignored her, or didn't take her seriously. She finally accepted that she will never be heard or his actions changed, so she leaves.

You wanting to wait until the baby is born and is a few months past newborn is also understandable. Women are supremely vulnerable when pregnant, and an attentive mama is exhausted the first months of baby's life until it gets more of a eat/sleep routine so mom can get some sleep. It has to be that way, or baby would be neglected and perhaps malnourished and unhealthy (i.e. severe diaper rash from not being changed promptly enough.)

If you were to have him served sooner than August, do you have anywhere you can make a soft landing where people would help you manage the baby and children? If so, I'd suggest you not wait until August, but just rip off the bandaid.

You are in a difficult spot, and you are to be commended for looking out for the wellbeing of yourself and your baby.

Don't worry about him changing. If he truly changed after you divorced, you could remarry him. But him changing is unlikely. Most likely he will be angry with you for daring to divorce him, and he will double down. That is human nature. But miracles do happen.

Get copies of all his and your financial info, business info, etc. and keep them in a safe place. He may want to withhold finances out of retaliation.

August is really far away. I'd suggest you figure out how to do it sooner for our own sanity. He knows your complaints, and has refused to change, but has ramped it up by taking on a new business. You have spoken about divorce and he dared you to do it. If he pretends to be surprised, that is on him.

Any time someone comes to this site wanting to divorce, others advise them to do the same things I'm telling you. Men here are just triggered, because they don't like the women having a backbone, much less doing things behind their backs. Like Lila said, your case is no different than that of a man who comes here complaining of a sexless marriage to a wife who has made zero effort for years. The men say, "Divorce her and find someone who will meet your needs."

Your children will not suffer much from the divorce, considering his work hours, and that he never takes a day off. In fact, they may even see him more, because he will have them ALL DAY when it is his day. If he is like most people, (usually men who have weekends) he will make an effort to be the best daddy he can be, and will do all kinds of fun things with them. He will HAVE to take days off to be a father.

Too bad that it will take a divorce to make him be available to his children.

 

[Casual Observer]

Any time someone comes to this site wanting to divorce, others advise them to do the same things I'm telling you. Men here are just triggered, because they don't like the women having a backbone, much less doing things behind their backs. Like Lila said, your case is no different than that of a man who comes here complaining of a sexless marriage to a wife who has made zero effort for years. The men say, "Divorce her and find someone who will meet your needs."

That is a terribly unfair characterization of a great many people and posts here on TAM. There are posts today referencing men staying in a marriage despite it being sexless (or at the very least passionless) because they feel a responsibility to the kids they created together. You can (and you did) argue that that's an overblown concern and it may.... or may not be. Regardless, the generalizations you made about the men here are unwarranted.

It is without question that emotions rise to the top in many conversations, and yes, people seek validation for their own circumstances by "supporting" the same thing for others. Men and women both. We can do better.

I think posts from either men or women should be looked upon individual and not automatically presumed to be biased towards one "side" or the other.

 

[arbitrator]

I am curious, now. Is this a thing in TX? That's where you live, right? I've been to court for many divorces as moral support, my own divorce, and a few child support cases between unmarried parents. I've never heard anything like this. Usually, it's the judge going over the submitted income and asset documents, the custody agreement or state recommended agreement if they couldn't agree, and setting support based on the state formula. The only time I have ever heard a judge mention conception is when paternity was in question.

It was a thing in at least Galveston and Harris Counties years ago!

Respondent or his attorney could complain and judge would hold child support open until the matter was openly resolved. If the couple were totally amenable to an agreed-upon child support amount and the judge agreed, then the state figure was duly waived!

 

[lifeistooshort]

Moderator warning:

Please refrain from personal insults and attacks. Anyone who can't abide by this request will be taking a vacation from TAM.

 

[Ed3n]

OP,

Why you had more than one child with a man you are profoundly unhappy is not why you started this thread, so I will try to address your concerns/questions with the information you have provided. My advice is based solely on information you provided in this thread, and may fail to address issues not mentioned here. My apologies if my reply is off the mark.

Is there no way that you can tell your husband that you want a divorce, and work out the details together? Many couples decide to divorce, and work together to sort out living arrangements, visitation, finances, etc. before divorce papers are even filled. Do you have a room in your home that you, or he, could use until moving day?

Navigating a divorce can be tricky in the ideal situation, which yours is not. Based on your responses you are not in fear of harm from your STBX husband, and you have the financial means to support your children, and yourself. Your situation, though not ideal, did not seem to be dire. Thankfully. I am sorry that your marriage has become intolerable, but thankfully you have the means to leave, and provide your children a safe, looking home. Stability will take time, but it is possible.

With that in mind, have you thought about childcare since you will very likely have to work full time to support your family? If you don't already have childcare, and plan on attending it, be picky. I realize that finances often dictate what is available, but a safe, nurturing environment, is priceless. As a mother I happily gave up life's little luxuries to ensure that my children were cared for by someone who helped them thrive. If you do not have childcare ahead thought out, start researching now. Ask friends/family for recommendations. Meet with potential providers, collect references and contact them, make sure they are correctly licenced or insured if the law requires them to be, etc. This is one area that you should demand excellence in the service provided. Childcare is likely to be one of your largest expenses. Arranging for a caregiver now will help to ensure that you are awarded adequate child support so that it can be provided.

Will you be moving, or do you intend on keeping your current home? If you plan on moving, have you been looking for places to live? I would suggest trying to keep your school-aged children in their current school if at all possible. Divorces are emotionally very difficult on children, so having people they know in their support system would be very beneficial.

If you plan on leaving in August, it may help to get a storage unit and start acquiring furniture and other household items that you know you will need in your new home. It's much easier to do so over a little at a time to help lessen the financial impact. Keep an eye out for good deals. It may help the children adjust if you allow them to help decorate their new bedrooms. Divorces often leave a child feeling lost and powerless. Letting them help decorate may help them to feel like they have a voice, and some control in what is happening in their life.

Talk to your friends and family about your intention to divorce so they can help support you emotionally. With a new baby coming you are very likely to feel overwhelmed, at the very least. Giving your support network a heads up about your situation will allow them time to decide how/when they can help.

You might have a friend or family member who is willing to babysit, help clean, help set up your new home, or help you move/pack from your marital home, etc. but they need advance notice so that they can take time off of work, or whatever they need to do. Springing your situation on your support system may make it difficult for them to be there for you. Talking to someone now, if you aren't already, will make the coming months less difficult to get through. Getting a divorce is difficult enough, without trying to do it all alone. Do you have items you need to sell, and a friend who is a master of selling? It might be a good way to make some money. It could also help get rid of items you do not want or need, and save you the trouble of moving it into your new home.

If you tell your husband your intentions, and he suddenly becomes the family-man- of-the-year, don't trust it. Continue with your plans, and if he wants to salvage your family, he can absolutely do so while living apart. There is nothing wrong with living separately as you work on your marriage. Many couples have had their relationship's saved because they put in the effort, and fell in love with their each other again. There is truth in the saying, "You don't know what you've got, until it's gone."

You and your STBX husband need to decide how to tell the children about the divorce. You also need to consider (and understand that some are subject to change, and more are likely to be added) things like visitation, "rules" regarding dating/new partners IE. No sleepovers while children are present until they meet the children. No revolving bedroom door while children are present. No new partner allowed to disciple children. (Address one another's reasonable concerns, whatever they may be). You may need to sell outside assistance, and should do so if you do.

Do not exclude your children from everything to try to protect them. Keep them informed in an age appropriate, information appropriate, way. Again, seek outside help if you need to; church, friend or family, therapist, their teachers, etc. Encourage them to talk to you about how they're feeling, and listen to their concerns even if they seem still or understand. It's a scary and confusing time for them, be there when they need you to be. Make sure that you and their father will tell them the same thing when asked why you're divorcing (if they ask, and they very likely will). Pay attention to their behaviors, and if they are acting out, emotional, or behaving in a new way, don't ignore it. Do not parent out of guilt by buying them things, or allowing misbehavior. While you may be getting a divorce, you are still the same mother.

There is no way to protect your children from all of the pain that the divorce will likely cause. There are numerous ways that you can make things as tolerable as possible. No matter what happens, never forget that children are NOT pawns to be used. Your children are THE priority in your situation. Everything you do throughout this process needs to be done with their best interests in mind. From where you live to the visitation arrangements, your childrens well-being is vital.
Again, if at all possible, you should talk to your husband about the end of your marriage. He may be as unhappy as you are, and feel grateful that the marriage is coming to an end. It is easy for people online to say, "Tell him!" But, we do not know how he will react, and you do. Do you think that his reaction will be negative? Will he drain the bank accounts and hide any assets you may have? Will he react with screaming, threats, excessive anger? Only you have any real idea how he will take the news.

Right now, either of you could empty your accounts. If you file for a divorce, typically the court will consider all assets (real property, cars, collectibles, etc.) life insurance policies, credit cards, checking/savings accounts, and/or contacts as "binding" until the courts ruling. What that means is that no changes can be made to them that can be considered detrimental to one's spouse, especially without their knowledge or consent. If one of you emptied out there bank account, or maxed out a credit card, it could (depending on your state laws) be considered Contempt if Court; subject to fines, and possible jail time, or both.

So, to sum everything up:

* Talk to your husband if you can.
If not, find a lawyer and file for divorce.

The petition to divorce can be withdrawn at any time by you. Do not wait to file. If you wait, and he finds out and wants to be petty, legally he is not prevented from draining all of your joint accounts or machine or joint credit cards. You may be financially liable regardless of if you were aware of his actions or not.

If you file for a divorce, and he drains your accounts with the intent on punishing you, have your lawyer contact the Court. It is unlikely that you will financially liable for his actions. (Depending on your state's law's. Your lawyer can explain everything to you.)

Life insurance policies, health insurance, or other policies cannot be cancelled by either party, or changed. (Again, it can vary by state. You can Google what will happen in the filling of a divorce petition in your state).

* If you file you may feel the need to move sooner. Your home life may become intolerable, forcing you to move. This may land you in a home or neighborhood that is less than desirable. Or, in a home that doesn't meet your needs, is in the wrong area for your kids to continue in their school, or is unaffordable.

* Waiting and saving money is a gray area. You are not in a volatile situation, or in fear of your or your childrens safety. Any money you have typically must be included during disclosure (in your divorce petition) and is not excluded just because you were trying to save money so that you could move. You can be held liable for any money that you have hidden. Telling the Court the money was a gift from a friend, or family member, is potentially problematic. If your STBX (or his lawyer, or the courts) proves that you lied, you will very likely be found in Contempt of Court.

* Finding childcare now keeps you from settling for a subpar situation when you finally do move.

* With a new baby on the way, spreading the move out over several months allows you find the best living situation possible for you and the children. Rushed or time-critical decisions may not be in the best interests of your finances, etc.

* You've been unhappy for years. Your husband had been aware of the marital problems for years. To your children, everything is happening NOW. They are not likely to understand that your decision to divorce had happened over time. Their entire world is changing. You understand it, they get likely don't. Regardless of how unhappy you are, they will need time to process what you think had been coming for years. Your first priority is to be their mother. Hold their hands and as gently as possible walk them through the divorce, and they will get through it (as best as possible). I'm sure that you will do the best that you can for them. Your posts do present you as a loving mother. Please, don't forget that, even if the divorce gets petty.

* Talk to a lawyer. It is in your best interest to be as prepared as possible. Find out if you are allowed to save money, without disclosing it. Perhaps your lawyer could give you an estimate of how much financial support your husband would provide.

Hopefully somewhere in my novel-length reply I have provided you with helpful information. I realize much of the common sense advice you likely already know. You are welcome to heed the advice in whatever way works for you. Or, ignore it all if you choose to .😉

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Ed3n]

Sorry for any syntax, format, punctuation, and grammatical mistakes. My autocorrect is not always correct. 😉

 

[Yeswecan]

Thanks for this reply. I appreciate your "hearing" me. Ultimately, I would love for the divorce papers to be a successful wake up call and testament to my seriousness in desiring change. With my baby coming in 6 weeks, I had wanted to delay everything while I navigate the first few months of newborn haze again, but I don't necessarily have to wait. My concern in serving divorce papers as a wake up call is that he may make the changes necessary for now. But what happens when, a few years down the road, he reverts back to his workaholism? I guess then I actually divorce him? I've been waiting for him to want to change, to want to be with us more, to want to lead our family in the life we talked about from the start. That's obviously not happening. But if he "changes" to avoid a divorce, it's only a matter of time before he reverts back, and then to threaten a divorce again feels less weighty and serious to me. And I don't believe divorce should be tossed around lightly ever. I'm so skeptical because he always just tells people what they want to hear. I believe that scenario would be no different. But I guess maybe that is more of a proper protocol to follow: papers served -> change made -> time passes -> old behaviors surface -> papers served -> actual divorce? Is that a better route?

Working on what ifs is not a good approach. Understand you are 50% of the marriage and need to be part of a working couple. Understand you both need to put each other first. It takes both to make this work. Understand that the wake up call my make your H turn that corner and be the H you desire. What if that happens?

 

[Benbutton]

I don't understand where people are getting that she's "springing" this on him. I mean, he's known for years she's unhappy, she's asked him to leave twice and he's said he'll do so when he sees divorce papers.

So clearly divorce has already come up.

So how is he going to be blindsided?

As far as the kids go he's been asked to leave twice and still got her pregnant again, so that argument goes both ways. It's irrelevant now though because the baby's coming.

What's there not to get?? By her own admission she is blind siding him. That's what people are reading and there are those who are not familiar with her other threads.

 

[lifeistooshort]

What's there not to get?? By her own admission she is blind siding him. That's what people are reading and there are those who are not familiar with her other threads.

Umm, ok. So I suppose being asked to move out twice and then telling her he'd do it with divorce papers (mentioned in this thread) should in no way be a clue for him?

I don't know what else to tell you.

 

[aquarius1]

Umm, ok. So I suppose being asked to move out twice and then telling her he'd do it with divorce papers (mentioned in this thread) should in no way be a clue for him?

I don't know what else to tell you.

I honestly get what you are saying. But it's human nature to think that people are just "venting" or maybe it's her pregnancy hormones.

All too often people don't believe you until the wolves are at the door.

In principle your are 110% right, in reality however, I honestly believe that he will feel "blind-sided" especially since she is trying to be agreeable between now and August.

Lots of people (men especially) tend to take folks at face value. If there's no smoke, there's no fire.

 

[lifeistooshort]

I honestly get what you are saying. But it's human nature to think that people are just "venting" or maybe it's her pregnancy hormones.

All too often people don't believe you until the wolves are at the door.

In principle your are 110% right, in reality however, I honestly believe that he will feel "blind-sided" especially since she is trying to be agreeable between now and August.

Lots of people (men especially) tend to take folks at face value. If there's no smoke, there's no fire.

That's reasonable. I'm sure my ex would claim he was blindsided, even though he's the one who brought up divorce first when I wouldn't rugsweep his *****. And in his mind he probably was..... because he truly didn't believe I would go anywhere. He figured it would be HIM that would pull the trigger and if he didn't then it wouldn't happen


It's true that her hb might feel this way, but it's not because he wasn't warned. He just chose to bury his head because things as they are work for him. It's actually quite selfish because the message he's really sending is that he's ok that his wife is unhappy as long as she doesn't leave. That's a horrible attitude for a married person to have and was my ex's attitude. Until I was done with him I thought about what made my ex happy all the time.

Your spouse and their happiness should be foremost in your life. One who requires divorce papers to worry about their spouse is poor partner material. I don't feel particularly bad for this guy. In fact, with the amount of time he spends "working" I wouldn't be surprised if he's got someone else.

 

[Casual Observer]

Umm, ok. So I suppose being asked to move out twice and then telling her he'd do it with divorce papers (mentioned in this thread) should in no way be a clue for him?

I don't know what else to tell you.

So the ambush is a response to her having a credibility problem? Because she's tried twice so far and failed to get results? And these requests to move out happened before having the 3rd kid? Not sure of the timeframe at this point but maybe before even the second?

It's just hard to get around the feeling that STBX was being used as a sperm donor, but most sperm donors get paid. STBX is accruing huge financial and time obligations. There is an inherent unfairness in that, in my opinion, regardless of how badly STBX has acted over the years.

 

[lifeistooshort]

So the ambush is a response to her having a credibility problem? Because she's tried twice so far and failed to get results? And these requests to move out happened before having the 3rd kid? Not sure of the timeframe at this point but maybe before even the second?

It's just hard to get around the feeling that STBX was being used as a sperm donor, but most sperm donors get paid. STBX is accruing huge financial and time obligations. There is an inherent unfairness in that, in my opinion, regardless of how badly STBX has acted over the years.

If he's a sperm donor it's because he's acted like one.

He's chosen to limit his family time so how else would he be seen? Want to be valued by your family? Show up from time to time....be a presence in their life.

Besides...according to her she pays half anyway besides taking care of kids. So it seems to me that he's quite ok with being a sperm donor who pays half.

 

[Benbutton]

What's there not to get?? By her own admission she is blind siding him. That's what people are reading and there are those who are not familiar with her other threads.

Umm, ok. So I suppose being asked to move out twice and then telling her he'd do it with divorce papers (mentioned in this thread) should in no way be a clue for him?

I don't know what else to tell you.

Once again - by her own admission. There is nothing else to say, she said it herself in the first post. Things are being done in secret, behind his back - things she says shes doing.

What you are doing is insinuating that he should see it coming. It's quite obvious he didn't as he had no problem getting her pregnant less than a year ago. Maybe he didn't because he foolishly chose to ignore her threats? Only he knows what he knows and judging from the post it is easier to assume he doesn't by what has been posted.

 

[Casual Observer]

If he's a sperm donor it's because he's acted like one.

He's chosen to limit his family time so how else would he be seen? Want to be valued by your family? Show up from time to time....be a presence in their life.

Besides...according to her she pays half anyway besides taking care of kids. So it seems to me that he's quite ok with being a sperm donor who pays half.

And according to my wife, until recently, all problems with intimacy in our relationship were my issue, my fault. When seeing only one side of a story (which is of course the norm on TAM), it makes sense to retain a bit of investigative cynicism when things seem a bit unusual. Going ahead with another kid, despite planning for a divorce, and not telling the "sperm donor", is a bit unusual.

It is rare that we throw ourselves under the bus here. There is a strong bias looking for validation of our side of the relationship. In my case, my wife had been (and still is somewhat) extraordinarily protective of a version of events that fits the narrative she would write. It bears little semblance to reality, and now that she's recognized that, her tune has changed pretty dramatically. But she would have been here spinning a story very different from what's gone on. Not saying OP has done so. Just saying... well, you know what I'm just sayin. The tough part is maintaining a dose of investigative skepticism while respecting... this is difficult... "victim" status?

 

[Diana7]

I don't consider what this is to be a partnership. He has not met my needs since being married, including financial, as he has always insisted I "contribute" as if raising the kids nd managing everything in the home isn't contributing. He works from 6am til probably 11pm, on average - 2 jobs, 1 to help pay the bills and the other is the business he started without consulting me and which he intends to eventually be the only source of income. He doesn't ever take any days off to spend with us.

When we got married I made it clear I wanted four kids. He agreed, and he promised to raise my oldest as his own. I have the means to raise four kids without him and always have. I currently work three afternoons a week and pay a babysitter to be with the kids while I am gone. I have continued to work because at the beginning he required me to and as time went on, because I figured I would need a way to support my kids someday.

He has kids from previous relationships, one of which used to come every other weekend (my husband was rarely home for these visits). He threatened to his psychiatrist that he wanted to murder my children and actually had a plan on how he would do it. With my husband never around, I put an end to those visits, but have encouraged him to continue working on his relationship with his son (which he won't do because he is working).

I have asked him to leave twice and he won't. He told me the last time that divorce papers are the only way he will leave, and I told him I could provide them. I have made it clear on countless occasions that I am miserable with our life because we are not partners in anything. I have no say in the business and haven't from the start. I wanted to raise a family together and he wants to build his empire. We want different things. But of course I didn't know that until after we got married because he won't communicate honestly, but instead tells me what I want to hear.

I think I answered most of the questions. Perhaps that will allow for some constructive feedback.

How would working just 3 afternoons a week provide for you and 4 children?

 

[Cynthia]

I understand your frustration, but what really bothers me is that you purposefully had four children with this man, because that's what you wanted, knowing all along that he was not meeting your needs or being an attentive husband or father. Once you had your four children, you decided to wait until you are ready, after you got what you wanted and are comfortable enough to file for divorce. Despite the issues that your husband obviously has, you have used him in a most unkind manner and now you are continuing to do so. It's seems that he is a baby vending machine that has outlived its usefulness to you.

 

[Casual Observer]

I understand your frustration, but what really bothers me is that you purposefully had four children with this man, because that's what you wanted, knowing all along that he was not meeting your needs or being an attentive husband or father. Once you had your four children, you decided to wait until you are ready, after you got what you wanted and are comfortable enough to file for divorce. Despite the issues that your husband obviously has, you have used him in a most unkind manner and now you are continuing to do so. It's seems that he is a baby vending machine that has outlived its usefulness to you.

Something I didn't think about until now... if the husband is such an awful person, do you really want to be reminded of him each time you look at one of the kids you had with him? Also, wouldn't we be concerned that whatever makes someone troublesome might get passed on to the next generation?

If I were to split from my wife, my kids would forever be a reminder of the time I spent with her.

More reasons why I think it *does* matter, when considering divorce, if you have kids with that person or not.

 

[Lila]

I understand your frustration, but what really bothers me is that you purposefully had four children with this man, because that's what you wanted, knowing all along that he was not meeting your needs or being an attentive husband or father. Once you had your four children, you decided to wait until you are ready, after you got what you wanted and are comfortable enough to file for divorce. Despite the issues that your husband obviously has, you have used him in a most unkind manner and now you are continuing to do so. It's seems that he is a baby vending machine that has outlived its usefulness to you.

Something I didn't think about until now... if the husband is such an awful person, do you really want to be reminded of him each time you look at one of the kids you had with him? Also, wouldn't we be concerned that whatever makes someone troublesome might get passed on to the next generation?

If I were to split from my wife, my kids would forever be a reminder of the time I spent with her.

More reasons why I think it *does* matter, when considering divorce, if you have kids with that person or not.

@Casual Observer you have hit a new low. Frankly this is an inane argument. Sane parents don't stop loving their kids just because they may not like the other generic donor.

As a Moderator..... Stop with the attacks of the OP. Last warning.

 

[Cynthia]

Too bad that it will take a divorce to make him be available to his children.

Why do you think he will be available to his children after the divorce? He already has a child who he ignores, as if that child doesn't exist. Once these children no longer live with him, they will never see him either, so their relationship with him will be even less than it already is.

I think it's important to recognize this going forward in order to prepare for what the future holds. You (op) have already been raising the children alone. It may improve when you don't have his chores to do as well as your own, but you won't get any help with the children from him.