Talk About Marriage banner

41 - 60 of 83 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
94 Posts
Yikes, you are caught in a whirlwind of lies! Think about your kids, what will this teach them?

Communicate the "snap" to your husband. We typically react to this by launching into problem solving mode. Men do not like an unhappy wife!

Start to move the needle on new terms and patterns in the relationship.

#1 - Marriage comes first. If the business is too much then sell it. Downsize. You don't need that much money to be happy.
#2 - Kids come next. You both need to parent. Kids need to see 2 loving parents. They need to learn from both their male and female role models. When they grow up, they will do what you did (without even knowing it).

Cultivate the marriage by meeting eachother's emotional needs. Heal past hurts and focus on the future.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,733 Posts
Had to like this 2X.

But in all of her post never once does she mention she's afraid of his temper or violence possibility. And if she was like most would say is in the third page of post. But no he's just ensuring to have a successful business and for his efforts gets him divorce. Anyone can be an ass, but really if your only concern is oneself it says alot of that person.
She did say he was a belittler. Usually when someone describes someone with that word, it means he's mentally/verbally abusive. I haven't read the other threads to know if that's in there, but if it is, she should tread carefully and not inform him until all her ducks are in a row and she can leave with the kids immediately if need be. She's at high risk for PPD if he is indeed such a person (although if he's only home from 11pm to 6am, I don't see how he can be around enough to be an obstacle).

If this is NOT the case, then just inform him you're filing and will keep him informed on the progress. I see no other reason to hide it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
114 Posts
Discussion Starter #43
I am not sure why some people are beating up on you over this. Perhaps they need to read your other threads.
I think it's the way she started the thread - it honestly sounded to me like "my husband works all the time so I had 4 kids with him and will surprise him with a divorce" when the reality is "my husband is a dangerous psychopath that threatened to murder our children and I need to keep them and me safe."

I think it's still a fair question to ask, though - why have kids with a husband like this?

You have clearly informed your husband that you have been seriously unhappy with this relationship for a very long time. He's apparently done nothing to address the issues from his side. It looks like you have two choices: 1) Stay and continue the unhappy farce of a marriage or 2) divorce. I see no problem with choosing #2. It seems like the right choice. It's certainly the choice I've seen suggested over and over to people here on TAM who are in a marriage with a seriously neglectful spouse.

People are also very often told to get all their ducks in row before having their spouse served with the divorce papers. Makes sense to me.

Since you are giving birth in a few weeks, waiting until August makes sense. You need to get through the birth and the first few months of your child's life. On the other hand, having him served now would work as well. Serving him with divorce papers will not get him to move out unless he does it on his own accord. The courts generally will not order him to move out until the divorce is final.

Could he, during the divorce process force the sale of your home. That would mean that both of you, and all your children, would need to move out.
Personally, I'd focus on safety first: have a safe place to go when you tell him, or have someone else tell him. Have the kids safe. Ensure the police know he's a danger. Do everything you can legally to protect the kid's safety custody-wise (as in you get sole custody) and protect them financially as best you can.

Plan the move, and then execute it quickly. His feelings in the matter stopped being relevant the minute he threatened the kids, so disregard them. Get out safely, and protect your interests.
I can't reply to all at the moment, but I must clarify that it was my stepson threatening to murder my children, not my husband. I am not concerned about anyone's physical safety in our home at this time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
114 Posts
Discussion Starter #44
Hi all - I'm writing to seek advice on the emotional aspect of leaving my husband. We have been married for 5 years (6 in July) and I am preparing to give birth to my 4th child (our 3rd together) next month. I have decided to leave my husband and am planning to do so in August. I feel this gives me some time to prepare financially, not to mention recover from childbirth and begin adjusting to life with 4 kids. I am not concerned about either of the aforementioned aspects: I earn a decent amount to support us and will be near family for additional support, and I have pretty much been a single parent to my 3 kids as long as I've had 3 kids due to my husband's workaholism. The thing I struggle with is the emotional piece - putting away money secretly, planning to consult attorneys and making alternative living arrangements, all in secret while my husband continues with life as usual. I feel like it is a betrayal and I feel badly for him. I know he will be "blind-sided" when I pull the trigger, despite my having warned him for years of the consequences of his workaholism and the fact that each year I become more bitter, angry and distant because he chooses his work over our marriage and family every time. What we have isn't a marriage or a partnership. He has the business and I manage EVERYTHING else. I am beyond exhausted (third trimester 😴:) and hopeless that our situation will never change- it hasn't since we've been married. I've told him all of these things many times every year, and it seems to me that the more I tell him, the more determined he is to continue in his choices, leaving me to barely survive with everything else. I am angry and have come to nearly hate him and his work.

But then when I think about what I am planning, I feel bad. I almost feel guilty having any sort of pleasant conversation with him, as if I am lying about the state of our life together. So, for anyone having left a spouse, how do you navigate the emotions of separating from someone you once loved, someone for whom you feel pity - I know his life will be dreadfully impacted. But I just cant keep doing the same song and dance knowing it will never change. I wish I could leave right now, but it is smarter to wait. I just hate how life will continue on "normally" for months and then in August I will destroy the status quo and completely disrupt our family. But I need to for my sanity and for my kids' childhood - of that i have no doubt. But how do you reconcile your feelings on a day to day basis? Has anyone else struggled with the notion that you're living a lie while secretly planning the doom of your marriage?

Thanks so much for reading, and thanks in advance for your input and advice!
But you spend the money his so-called "workaholism" earns, and you kept allowing him to father your children, so where does this leave you?

By the way if you have been hiding money that is a marital asset the courts tend to take an unsympathetic view of that. So be very careful.

If your husband is as bad as has been reported don't play around. Get out ASAP.
Again, I cannot respond in detail at this time, but I feel compelled to clarify that his earnings go towards household expenses (though he cannot cover all of them) and after I take care of the remainder of the bills the money is sunk into his business. I do not spend "his" money, and am able to put away only a fraction of "mine".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
635 Posts
This is a tough one, given his history and your current situation (pregnancy)
It may be worth your while to consult an IC for this one. While I do not agree with your "springing" this on him and planning it all this time, you gotta do you.
An IC may help you navigate this impending situation in a way where you are not lying, but answering to the best of your ability.
I would simply not pretend everything is fine. That's lying. Continue to remind him of your unhappiness. I'd just tell him the truth. Divorce day is coming. No surprises.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,024 Posts
I don't understand where people are getting that she's "springing" this on him. I mean, he's known for years she's unhappy, she's asked him to leave twice and he's said he'll do so when he sees divorce papers.

So clearly divorce has already come up.

So how is he going to be blindsided?

As far as the kids go he's been asked to leave twice and still got her pregnant again, so that argument goes both ways. It's irrelevant now though because the baby's coming.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
I don’t think he’s being blindsided. He’s dared you in the past and you haven’t followed through. I say tell him again in detail about your plans. He won’t believe you but you are no longer hiding your actions. Sometimes serving divorce papers are the catalyst to change (good and bad). But don’t threaten unless you are going to follow through.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
131 Posts
Staying after you have decided that you are definitely going to leave feels a lot like lying. You don't appear to be terribly dishonest since you've already told the husband that you wanted a divorce.

There are some questions you should probably answer for yourself as you go through divorce and before you get involved with someone else.


  1. If you were in a bad relationship and you knew it was a bad relationship, why did you stay so long?
  2. Why did you decide to have children with someone you didn't like?
  3. What does a good relationship look like to you?
  4. What kind of co-parenting relationship do you want with your ex? What is he capable of?
  5. How did the way I communicated with my ex make the problems worse or why did he not understand / believe what I was saying?
  6. What made you get into a relationship with someone that you weren't compatible with?
I think I had a couple others on my mind when I was starting down the path to divorce but that is a good starting point.

I think things like individual and marriage counseling can help you answer the questions or you can try to work through them yourself. Answering them yourself is harder and more likely to include subjective bias. Not answering them is likely to lead to repeat mistakes. Our state requires that both parents take a co-parenting class which I also highly recommend. Since you are pregnant with a child of his divorce is not going to get rid of him more than likely. You're likely going to be tied to him for at least the next two decades and should act accordingly (IE try to stay civil, try to be fair in the settlement, etc).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,381 Posts
I can't reply to all at the moment, but I must clarify that it was my stepson threatening to murder my children, not my husband. I am not concerned about anyone's physical safety in our home at this time.
I read the post wrong and have been corrected. I apologize for causing confusion.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,266 Posts
Firstly, why did she have three children with him if is so awful. Secondly, the same applies, if she wants to end the marriage then do the right and honest thing and tell him. No secrets. No going behind his back while pretending all is ok. Tell him and then start the divorce.
I've kept in touch with the now grown daughter of a close friend. I kid you not, she has had 3, count em' 3, children with a meth addict. Why? She wanted all her kids to have the same father. It's something she has always felt very strongly about. She always wanted to be a mother, she wanted a large family, she had an accidental pregnancy, so she kept having kids with a literal tweeker just so they'd all have the same father.

A girl I went to school with had kids with a lying, cheating, chronically unemployed or job hopping, jackass because he promised to change after each birth, never did, but he made beautiful babies.

I have repeatedly been asked why I had a kid at all, much less 2, with my exH. I didn't. Not on purpose, anyway. DD1 was the result of antibiotics interfering with the Pill and no one telling me that was a possibility. Not my pharmacy, not the ER doctor, not my GP. DD#2 was the result of a condom failure.

I know a lot of people with kids who had or have bad relationships. The reason some women keep having kids with men in those relationships are myriad and don't always make sense to other people.




She said it wasn't "black and white"... my translation: yes, I wanted kids, so I put up with you... :laugh:
I've heard that one in the wild. More than once.

Only if the divorce turns contentious and with the respondents lawyer bringing up the subject matter. Rest assured that the complantants lawyer will definitely not bring it up! The family court judge will not usually bring it up of his own accord, but could certainly be prompted to ask pertinent follow up questions.

In which case, it would be preferable to have a plausible answer prepared, or at least a tacit denial to the assertion that it was being done solely to pad child support from him!

In which case, she had best be prepared to answer any follow up questions to that denial!
I am curious, now. Is this a thing in TX? That's where you live, right? I've been to court for many divorces as moral support, my own divorce, and a few child support cases between unmarried parents. I've never heard anything like this. Usually, it's the judge going over the submitted income and asset documents, the custody agreement or state recommended agreement if they couldn't agree, and setting support based on the state formula. The only time I have ever heard a judge mention conception is when paternity was in question.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,372 Posts
And to be very clear, I have wanted 4 kids from the start. I have the means to provide for them and always have. I adore my children and am a good mother. I wished for a partner to lead our family and he promised to be that. I guess you could say I ultimately got what I wanted because baby #4 is soon to arrive. But his unkept promises and empty words are why I am planning to leave, among other reasons.
It's been emphasized, by you, that this has been a "for years" issue... his problems. So "for years" you've known things have been bad, and yet "for years" you've kept having kids. Not just your kids. They're his too. I think that's something more than a few folk here are having issues with.

Is he aware that the only needs he's served has been as a sperm donar?

This workaholic thing... it's nothing new here. Many of us have owned that, some of us for our entire lives, some of us have had epiphanies. I fall into the latter camp. But it took a couple decades to get there (live a more balanced life), and frankly, my wife did things, regarding lack of intimacy, that created more fulfillment working than I found coming home.

Six years. The only reason why that seems like a long time, for you, is because you've spent those six years cranking out kids. You've chosen a direction and refused to alter course, despite evidence your marriage was not tolerable to you.

I get that divorce may be appropriate due to who he is. But you've not done your part to deal with things appropriately when you saw the issues. Staying with him so you could have more kids? Because let's face it, that's how it sounds. So... this blind-siding thing is just, plain, wrong. If you have to leave him for safety, then it would be done immediately, not planned out like your next vacation.

Get your plan out in the open. At least give him a chance for the epiphany that has eluded yourself. He probably can't change, but he deserves to know what's coming.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
114 Posts
Discussion Starter #52
Thanks for this reply. I appreciate your "hearing" me. Ultimately, I would love for the divorce papers to be a successful wake up call and testament to my seriousness in desiring change. With my baby coming in 6 weeks, I had wanted to delay everything while I navigate the first few months of newborn haze again, but I don't necessarily have to wait. My concern in serving divorce papers as a wake up call is that he may make the changes necessary for now. But what happens when, a few years down the road, he reverts back to his workaholism? I guess then I actually divorce him? I've been waiting for him to want to change, to want to be with us more, to want to lead our family in the life we talked about from the start. That's obviously not happening. But if he "changes" to avoid a divorce, it's only a matter of time before he reverts back, and then to threaten a divorce again feels less weighty and serious to me. And I don't believe divorce should be tossed around lightly ever. I'm so skeptical because he always just tells people what they want to hear. I believe that scenario would be no different. But I guess maybe that is more of a proper protocol to follow: papers served -> change made -> time passes -> old behaviors surface -> papers served -> actual divorce? Is that a better route?

I understand you have advised your H over the years and he continues on his merry way working(to provide the life you and the kids enjoy). Part of me thinks you believe life will be better sans H being around the house but receiving a monthly child support check all the same. So what is the difference right? There is a lot of difference. Specifically for the kids. Instead of conducting a complete mind screwing of your H why not have your H served D papers? The serving of the D papers and working towards separation is a consequence or wake up call to his not listening to your concerns. Your concerns, desire and wishes ARE VALID. The H and W must always come first in a marriage. Making separation very real to your H will wake him up to the sad reality of his workday life and hopefully will make him turn the corner. Or, it may just be a bump in the road to workaholic superstardom for your H. If you H makes the need change you can stop the D. Give the guy a wake up call with bite(D papers). Don't simply pull the rug out from under hour H and say, "I told you so."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,372 Posts
I think it's the way she started the thread - it honestly sounded to me like "my husband works all the time so I had 4 kids with him and will surprise him with a divorce" when the reality is "my husband is a dangerous psychopath that threatened to murder our children and I need to keep them and me safe."

I think it's still a fair question to ask, though - why have kids with a husband like this?



Personally, I'd focus on safety first: have a safe place to go when you tell him, or have someone else tell him. Have the kids safe. Ensure the police know he's a danger. Do everything you can legally to protect the kid's safety custody-wise (as in you get sole custody) and protect them financially as best you can.

Plan the move, and then execute it quickly. His feelings in the matter stopped being relevant the minute he threatened the kids, so disregard them. Get out safely, and protect your interests.
If there's a clear & present danger, waiting until August is absurd. She needs to get out now. It's easy to see her desire to plan her exit, many months down the road, as a convenience, not a necessity.

Her earlier posts had made her situation seem dismal, dire, and in need of immediate remedy. This thread speaks differently. It calls into question a lot of things. And, again, why would you willingly/actively conceive another kid so shortly prior to exit? Her husband should have understood his role as a sperm donor, with the lifelong implications associated with that role.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,372 Posts
Ultimately, I would love for the divorce papers to be a successful wake up call and testament to my seriousness in desiring change. With my baby coming in 6 weeks, I had wanted to delay everything while I navigate the first few months of newborn haze again, but I don't necessarily have to wait. My concern in serving divorce papers as a wake up call is that he may make the changes necessary for now. But what happens when, a few years down the road, he reverts back to his workaholism?
If you think it possible he could actually change for a few years, become that better person... you're giving him more credit than most deserve. If that's actually a possibility, it is something to embrace, not fear that he would "revert." I don't think people can fake it for that long.

Your continuing to have kids with this man is likely read, by him, as an indication of your lack of seriousness that his issues are divorce-worthy. I think most husbands would read it that way. So you may be guilty of inconsistency with your message. Serving divorce papers could change that. The messaging finally becoming crystal-clear. What you have to consider accepting is that this may be the FIRST time he'll have heard that message so clearly and without contradiction. So if it becomes a wake-up call to him, it could be worth giving it a chance instead of assuming he'll revert.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,381 Posts
If there's a clear & present danger, waiting until August is absurd. She needs to get out now. It's easy to see her desire to plan her exit, many months down the road, as a convenience, not a necessity.

Her earlier posts had made her situation seem dismal, dire, and in need of immediate remedy. This thread speaks differently. It calls into question a lot of things. And, again, why would you willingly/actively conceive another kid so shortly prior to exit? Her husband should have understood his role as a sperm donor, with the lifelong implications associated with that role.
I got it wrong - it was the oldest child that was a concern, not the husband.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,242 Posts
It doesn't matter whether or not we feel her reasons for divorcing are justified. She doesn't need our permission nor is she asking for it. She is asking for advice on handling the fallout from the hurt she's bound to cause her spouse.

Just as most people don't give an OP a hard time for planning to divorce a spouse who withholds sex, we shouldn't be giving this OP a hard time for divorcing her workaholic husband. In both cases, someone is not getting their needs met.
That is true, no one needs a reason for divorce, and she knows she should be up front with him but is looking how to handle fallout. I don't see it this way however she had been only seeking to please herself ... By her own words l wanted 4 kids and she was going to do what ever it took to do it. She thought it wise to use her husband as the donor, and supply her with a means to deprived him a honest marriage.

And for wanting to divorce her workaholic husband, she should have done this after the first child was born, but didn't anyone would have help her get inpregnated her, and fulfill her personal goal. But why as l see as she did stick around sugar daddy comes to mind. Or Maybe she just like taking advantage of her H or settling an score.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,242 Posts
She did say he was a belittler. Usually when someone describes someone with that word, it means he's mentally/verbally abusive. I haven't read the other threads to know if that's in there, but if it is, she should tread carefully and not inform him until all her ducks are in a row and she can leave with the kids immediately if need be. She's at high risk for PPD if he is indeed such a person (although if he's only home from 11pm to 6am, I don't see how he can be around enough to be an obstacle).

If this is NOT the case, then just inform him you're filing and will keep him informed on the progress. I see no other reason to hide it.
Again she has no misgivings or lack of words to say what she wants to say, so a belittling lifestyle makes it even more of a reason to leave the marriage before her dream was fulfilled. No she wanted what she wanted. She's got her ducks in a row a long time ago. And yes he's here home shouldn't be a problem.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,022 Posts
It doesn't matter whether or not we feel her reasons for divorcing are justified. She doesn't need our permission nor is she asking for it. She is asking for advice on handling the fallout from the hurt she's bound to cause her spouse.

Just as most people don't give an OP a hard time for planning to divorce a spouse who withholds sex, we shouldn't be giving this OP a hard time for divorcing her workaholic husband. In both cases, someone is not getting their needs met.
That is true, no one needs a reason for divorce, and she knows she should be up front with him but is looking how to handle fallout. I don't see it this way however she had been only seeking to please herself ... By her own words l wanted 4 kids and she was going to do what ever it took to do it. She thought it wise to use her husband as the donor, and supply her with a means to deprived him a honest marriage.

And for wanting to divorce her workaholic husband, she should have done this after the first child was born, but didn't anyone would have help her get inpregnated her, and fulfill her personal goal. But why as l see as she did stick around sugar daddy comes to mind. Or Maybe she just like taking advantage of her H or settling an score.
Apparently this thread is triggering you for some reason. Let's get something clear, if the OPs husband was in fact a sugar daddy then there would be no need for her to work, provide for the household, or lift a finger to do anything around the house. That is not the case here since she has clearly stated that she provides financially for the family AND does all of the child rearing AND housekeeping. She also stated she can support herself and her kids.

Next, since you feel so strongly about people making the decision to divorce when things start heading down the toilet....I encourage you to post those strong feelings on every thread where a man is planning on divorcing their long time wife over intimacy issues that have existed for many, many, many years and multiple kids. Usually the reason given by these men for not divorcing is that they didn't want to disrupt their lives. They enjoy many of the benefits of marriage and haven't wanted to give those up.

Hope makes people do stupid things.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,242 Posts
Apparently this thread is triggering you for some reason. Let's get something clear, if the OPs husband was in fact a sugar daddy then there would be no need for her to work, provide for the household, or lift a finger to do anything around the house. That is not the case here since she has clearly stated that she provides financially for the family AND does all of the child rearing AND housekeeping. She also stated she can support herself and her kids.

Next, since you feel so strongly about people making the decision to divorce when things start heading down the toilet....I encourage you to post those strong feelings on every thread where a man is planning on divorcing their long time wife over intimacy issues that have existed for many, many, many years and multiple kids. Usually the reason given by these men for not divorcing is that they didn't want to disrupt their lives. They enjoy many of the benefits of marriage and haven't wanted to give those up.

Hope makes people do stupid things.
I'm not triggering, really but 3 kids for 20+ years points to, support she has not said he didn't say she had to work, but rather to help the family did. I get it, your views/feelings are more for her and that's ok,

And as for the other I am in fact saying and doing the same to males on the other threads such as - seeking some understanding thread. My thoughts are firm and no so selective if it's that bad leave.

No reason to bring other humans into the world. Because a person wants what they want, that's all . She really has not stated really why she stayed. And had means to support herself as l have read it and was not feeling physically endangered by anyone her words. So it's by her choices she will live the rest of her life, and now so will 4 of her children.

And l couldn't agree more hope does make people do stupid things.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,242 Posts
My thoughts are firm and no so selective if it's that bad leave.

Meaning to the spouse, or the offended party.
 
41 - 60 of 83 Posts
Top