[KM87]

Hi all - I'm writing to seek advice on the emotional aspect of leaving my husband. We have been married for 5 years (6 in July) and I am preparing to give birth to my 4th child (our 3rd together) next month. I have decided to leave my husband and am planning to do so in August. I feel this gives me some time to prepare financially, not to mention recover from childbirth and begin adjusting to life with 4 kids. I am not concerned about either of the aforementioned aspects: I earn a decent amount to support us and will be near family for additional support, and I have pretty much been a single parent to my 3 kids as long as I've had 3 kids due to my husband's workaholism. The thing I struggle with is the emotional piece - putting away money secretly, planning to consult attorneys and making alternative living arrangements, all in secret while my husband continues with life as usual. I feel like it is a betrayal and I feel badly for him. I know he will be "blind-sided" when I pull the trigger, despite my having warned him for years of the consequences of his workaholism and the fact that each year I become more bitter, angry and distant because he chooses his work over our marriage and family every time. What we have isn't a marriage or a partnership. He has the business and I manage EVERYTHING else. I am beyond exhausted (third trimester 😴<a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/wink.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Wink" ></a> and hopeless that our situation will never change- it hasn't since we've been married. I've told him all of these things many times every year, and it seems to me that the more I tell him, the more determined he is to continue in his choices, leaving me to barely survive with everything else. I am angry and have come to nearly hate him and his work.

But then when I think about what I am planning, I feel bad. I almost feel guilty having any sort of pleasant conversation with him, as if I am lying about the state of our life together. So, for anyone having left a spouse, how do you navigate the emotions of separating from someone you once loved, someone for whom you feel pity - I know his life will be dreadfully impacted. But I just cant keep doing the same song and dance knowing it will never change. I wish I could leave right now, but it is smarter to wait. I just hate how life will continue on "normally" for months and then in August I will destroy the status quo and completely disrupt our family. But I need to for my sanity and for my kids' childhood - of that i have no doubt. But how do you reconcile your feelings on a day to day basis? Has anyone else struggled with the notion that you're living a lie while secretly planning the doom of your marriage?

Thanks so much for reading, and thanks in advance for your input and advice!

 

[StillSearching]

Think very carefully about what you want your future to look like.

Your deception is over the top.
"I feel like it is a betrayal and I feel badly for him. I know he will be "blind-sided" when I pull the trigger"...Almost make me throw up!
Please Karma bring the hammer down.

 

[RebuildingMe]

It sounds like to me you want to take on the “mother” role full time and divorce your “wife” role. Why the need to blindside him? Is that just an extra dig on your way out? I hope you find what you’re looking for.

 

[KM87]

Did you miss this part?

What we have isn't a marriage or a partnership. He has the business and I manage EVERYTHING else. I am beyond exhausted (third trimester 😴 and hopeless that our situation will never change- it hasn't since we've been married. I've told him all of these things many times every year, and it seems to me that the more I tell him, the more determined he is to continue in his choices, leaving me to barely survive with everything else. I am angry and have come to nearly hate him and his work.

 

[KM87]

This isn't blind siding, and it isn't deception. It is him not HEARING me for YEARS and I've finally had enough. I'm not really here to debate the merits of my choice. I'm here for advice on handling the emotional aspect of my impending but necessary separation.

 

[StillSearching]

It sounds like to me you want to take on the “mother” role full time and divorce your “wife” role. Why the need to blindside him? Is that just an extra dig on your way out? I hope you find what you’re looking for.

She won't.
She'll find what she's asking for tho.

 

[Tilted 1]

Why do you continue to have children with him? Why wait your going to get money and then nothing changes your still by yourself caring for the children. What else is happening that you don't mention? If your seeking validation from others why? If you hate him just leave him for goodness sake. Why make him wait just do it, being this way is not right. Why he not beating you nor abusive, he's just putting all his energy in supporting his woman with 4 of his kids. MPOV

 

[Diana7]

Thoughts I had after reading your post.
If you are so exhausted why have you gone onto have 4 children? Why didn't you stop at 2 or 3?
You say you want to leave partly because of your children's childhood. How will leaving him make their childhood better?I think it will make it worse, especially as children hate it when their parents divorce whatever anyone says.
What hours does your husband work on average? Does he have a day off? Who looks after the children while you work?
Do you have to work financially? How much does he bring to the house? You?

I do think its pretty mean and cruel to be making arrangements to leave behind his back yes. I couldn't do that myself, especially as its for a long time. Have you even told him that you want to end the marriage? If you haven't then please do, otherwise its just plain mean. I know people who had break downs after their spouse left out of the blue and had a divorce sprung on them.

You SHOULD feel badly for him and yes it IS a betrayal. At least get some good MC together first and work on the marriage for a year or so before you think of dropping the bombshell. Or did you not mean it when you made your marriage vows?

 

[Diana7]

Why do you continue to have children with him? Why wait your going to get money and then nothing changes your still by yourself caring for the children. What else is happening that you don't mention? If your seeking validation from others why? If you hate him just leave him for goodness sake. Why make him wait just do it, being this way is not right. Why he not beating you nor abusive, he's just putting all his energy in supporting his woman with 4 of his kids. MPOV

One of which isn't actually his.

 

[StillSearching]

This isn't blind siding, and it isn't deception. It is him not HEARING me for YEARS and I've finally had enough. I'm not really here to debate the merits of my choice. I'm here for advice on handling the emotional aspect of my impending but necessary separation.

ME ME ME.....
The words came from your mouth not mine.

Like I said think carefully about what YOUR future will look like.
It's quite hypocritical to complain about communication with your husband while to go behind his back and plot to financially destroy him.
Grass is not greener....
“I don't think that you have any insight whatsoever into your capacity for good until you have some well-developed insight into your capacity for evil.”
“To suffer terribly and to know yourself as the cause: that is Hell.”
― Jordan B. Peterson

 

[In Absentia]

This isn't blind siding, and it isn't deception. It is him not HEARING me for YEARS and I've finally had enough. I'm not really here to debate the merits of my choice. I'm here for advice on handling the emotional aspect of my impending but necessary separation.

So, you decided to have 3 kids with him? :surprise:

 

[delupt]

Please correct me if i'm mistaken, but wasn't there a very serious issue with his older son (previous marriage) and your kids from this marriage? It seemed a much greater reason to detach from him than simply that he works too hard to provide for you all. Was that ever resolved?

 

[uhtred]

I think that in general, unless someone is in a physically dangerous / abusive situation, they should tell their spouse when they plan to divorce.

 

[MJJEAN]

Have you guys read her post history, @StillSearching and @Diana7?

He's been neglecting her for years.

He's been snide and belittling.

He's been a lazy lover and stopped caring about her pleasure.

His 12 year old kid told the therapist he wants to kill her kids. And she's about to have another vulnerable baby.


But, yeah, she's selfish or something for wanting to leave after telling him it was bad and being ignored because somehow he'll be blindsided.

 

[arbitrator]

I, too, am rather perplexed by your continuation of getting pregnant and having kids with him, despite the prior admonitions issued to him to please cut back on his work.

At some juncture in the hearings process, a good family court judge or his family attorney is undoubtedly going to ask you that very same question when the subject of child support is brought up!

Hoping that you will have a more than satisfactory answer for them!

 

[In Absentia]

My wife managed to have a few kids from me, despite me being a very horrible man... so, I can understand... :laugh:

 

[KM87]

I don't consider what this is to be a partnership. He has not met my needs since being married, including financial, as he has always insisted I "contribute" as if raising the kids nd managing everything in the home isn't contributing. He works from 6am til probably 11pm, on average - 2 jobs, 1 to help pay the bills and the other is the business he started without consulting me and which he intends to eventually be the only source of income. He doesn't ever take any days off to spend with us.

When we got married I made it clear I wanted four kids. He agreed, and he promised to raise my oldest as his own. I have the means to raise four kids without him and always have. I currently work three afternoons a week and pay a babysitter to be with the kids while I am gone. I have continued to work because at the beginning he required me to and as time went on, because I figured I would need a way to support my kids someday.

He has kids from previous relationships, one of which used to come every other weekend (my husband was rarely home for these visits). He threatened to his psychiatrist that he wanted to murder my children and actually had a plan on how he would do it. With my husband never around, I put an end to those visits, but have encouraged him to continue working on his relationship with his son (which he won't do because he is working).

I have asked him to leave twice and he won't. He told me the last time that divorce papers are the only way he will leave, and I told him I could provide them. I have made it clear on countless occasions that I am miserable with our life because we are not partners in anything. I have no say in the business and haven't from the start. I wanted to raise a family together and he wants to build his empire. We want different things. But of course I didn't know that until after we got married because he won't communicate honestly, but instead tells me what I want to hear.

I think I answered most of the questions. Perhaps that will allow for some constructive feedback.

 

[KM87]

And to be very clear, I have wanted 4 kids from the start. I have the means to provide for them and always have. I adore my children and am a good mother. I wished for a partner to lead our family and he promised to be that. I guess you could say I ultimately got what I wanted because baby #4 is soon to arrive. But his unkept promises and empty words are why I am planning to leave, among other reasons.

 

[In Absentia]

And to be very clear, I have wanted 4 kids from the start. I have the means to provide for them and always have. I adore my children and am a good mother. I wished for a partner to lead our family and he promised to be that. I guess you could say I ultimately got what I wanted because baby #4 is soon to arrive. But his unkept promises and empty words are why I am planning to leave, among other reasons.

Sorry, I still don't get it... you say it was bad from the beginning, so, instead of divorcing him immediately, you carried on with your plan to have kids with this horrible man... doesn't he feel a bit exploited about it? I get he has many faults, but I would feel like a sperm donor in his shoes... sorry to be blunt.

 

[sunsetmist]

You seem to be saying that you don't have what you consider to be a marriage except legally, but a sort of business arrangement. You will 'fire' your husband.

Emotional aspect: Your resentment should lessen. Your guilt will likely at least diminish too. You have warned him. Perhaps you will find fulfillment of self--your main emphasis now. Enjoy your children--all four.

His impact may be different than you think. He may be relieved and continue to love the benefits of his work relationships.

Good luck.