[juniper_cisco]

Hi All,

I have been reading through many posts in this section just to get a little idea on how to work things out with my girl.

I had proposed my girlfriends of 1 & 1/2 years for marriage but now i am having seconds thoughts about being with her. I am feeling constricted and tied down with her. I feel i have to always come up to her expectations and the day we dont have fights about not meeting her expectations is really a good day for me.

My girlfriend is a very introvert. She doesnt have many friends and i would be the only close friend that she has. She also has a very bad relationship with her family and that affects me as well since i am scared that she might not adjust with my family and we would also start having the same problems. I am a Indian so i stay with my parents and take care of them financially and emotionally.

I also feel that if i leave her she will really breakdown as she doesnt really have anywhere to go , her family doesnt want to keep her and she will leave their house in a couple of months but even have any other home or a job to fend for herself.

I tried breaking up with her once but she almost jumped out of my car on an expressway as she didnt want to live. Now i dont know what to do , i really dont want to hurt her or see her miserable so i have agreed to stay with her and marry her in 4 months. BUT i really do not know if i will stay happy in this marriage.

I was initially attracted to her because i saw an innocent girl sitting alone in a party and that she opened up to me completely without even me trying but i really do not know why i am feeling really bound to her, like i am burdened.

I may not be able to explain my point right now but i may help you understand my situation better if i am asked some questions. Maybe i need some counseling i dont know. BTW i am 26 and have a high paying steady job , so there are no financial issues in my life which might pull me away from marriage. Just need some help badly.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

I tried breaking up with her once but she almost jumped out of my car on an expressway as she didnt want to live. Now i dont know what to do , i really dont want to hurt her or see her miserable so i have agreed to stay with her and marry her in 4 months

Juniper: I can't say this strongly enough, GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW. THIS WEEK.

This is an EXTREMELY unhealthy relationship for EVERYBODY. Your GF is manipulating you and trying to "guilt" you into staying in HER life and doing what SHE wants. "If you don't marry me, I'll kill myself." THAT IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE. THAT is totally unfair!

Things will NOT improve. She has NO social skills, she has no friends, she has no relationship with her family, she WILL HAVE no relationship with your family. God forbid you marry this woman and get her pregnant. The child or children will be held hostage to HER WILL. "Do what I want, or I'll LEAVE with the children and you'll never see them again."

Talk to your parents about this situation. Explain the problems and ASK FOR THEIR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. They, too, will want WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.

The sooner you break off this engagement (before Christmas) the better for you. You're sorry she's a mess. I'm sorry she's a mess. Are either of us going to be able to "fix" her? NO! You can't love/care/support her into mental/emotional health. Only a professional can help her FIX HERSELF. Notice, even a professional can't "FIX" her...she has to WANT to FIX HERSELF.

She will FIND somewhere to live. She will FIND her way in life. You need to GET OUT and you need to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Order it TODAY on Amazon.com (no, I don't make ANY money off sales of the book or off of Amazon.com) read it within the next 2 weeks, then START LIVING IT.

If you're not sure the EXACT steps to take in breaking up with this woman, then ask here at TAM. We'll be happy to help.

If you were MY SON, I would tell you to RUN LIKE THE WIND and NEVER LOOK BACK.


Men of TAM: any other book suggestions for Juniper?

 

[juniper_cisco]

Hi SlowlyGettingWiser,

Thanks for your reply, i think about breaking up but then i think how i feel good when she is happy and how good she feels when she is next to me.

Maybe i just felt needed but i felt happy when she longed for me and just glow when she sees me. I have gone through many failed relationships , maybe i just want to make this work. But sometimes i really feel miserable thinking where my life is heading ,

i havent talked to any of my friends in weeks and really did not know who to talk to so just posted here. it just pains me to se her in pain. at least gives me satisfaction that i made her life better in a small way.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

You sound like you could use some individual counseling to address

• many failed relationships (your words)
• why you accept this abuse and think you don't DESERVE a better relationship
• the fact that you sound DEPRESSED

A counselor could help YOU determine

• what YOU want out of your life
• how to set goals to get there
• how YOU can achieve those goals
• whether this relationship will HELP you achieve those goals
• if this relationship will NOT HELP you achieve those goals, how can you end it kindly, but absolutely

You say you have a high-paying job and live with your parents; then individual counseling should be WITHIN your grasp. THIS *WILL* be the most important gift you EVER give yourself: A chance to know the REAL you and achieve the BEST YOU possible. Please don't delay in getting this done. If nothing else, you should DELAY the wedding until AFTER you have had a couple of months of counseling (THUS the URGENCY to get started) so YOU can make the BEST INFORMED DECISION for ALL parties. Maybe it's marrying this woman, maybe it's not; I would bet money on "it's not."

 

[juniper_cisco]

I guess i need tips on how to break up but not feel bad about it ..

 

[Lady In Red]

You shouldn't feel bad about it because this relationship is not good for her. Based on what you've written, it doesn't seem like this relationship is helping her develop a sense of self. It sounds like she is entirely dependent on you for her identity, and you're willing to settle for a relationship with a woman who feels like a burden rather than a partner.
I second SGW's counseling recommendation.
And if you plan to break it off with fiancee before you seek counseling, don't do it in a car on the freeway. :awink:
If she threatens suicide, call 911. You're technically supposed to take those seriously, even if you think it's a manipulative tactic.
If she's b.s.ing you, she'll know that suicide threats are not to be used as a weapon, and they'll only succeed in getting her to psych wards, not relationships.
If she's not b.s.ing you, then she'll have access to professional help.
If you want, buy her the book "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. An ex recommended it to me years ago when we broke up, and funny as it sounds, it actually helped.
But seriously, don't feel bad about ending this relationship with her. Based on your post, it doesn't sound like it's doing her that much good.

 

[ferndog]

She might be codependent.
A relationship is about two good well rounded and healthy people who have their life in order. Seems like your offering alot and she's offering little if anything.
Let's see what she brings

Positive (I'm just assuming)
She's pretty
Smart
Honest
Faithful

Negative (I'm assuming this also)
Not there financially
Has no clear idea of who she is
Doesn't respect your decisions
Closed to your ideas
Codependent
Sad/depressed


I speak from experience. My beautiful exwife put up with a lot from me. I was and am a beautiful person but it took so long for me to see I had not grown to my (and her) expectations). She could not fix me only I could fix myself and it took her to stop believing in me for I to believe and fix myself.
Yup I love my ex and I don't blame her for leaving. But I would blame myself if I didn't get better.

If you love your fiancée. Then go to counseling with her. But she must open up on her own. If you feel she is worth it then place conditions on the relationship.

Such as
Counseling
Go to school
Get a positive hobbie
Etc (the list is up to you)
And absolutely do not marry her no matter what (not now at least) your only 26. You have no rush. Some people think marriage is a safety blanket and the person will never leave lol
Nope. Trust me they leave . And if they are not happy and feel trapped then they should. In a marriage you should feel happy as an individual to make a great partner.
Hope this helps but your getting honest and sound advice from what I've read.

Patience is key.make sound decisions and if you ever get married then the goal Is to spend all your life happily married not miserable and wondering were the years went.

Boy this is so honest it hurts a little
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[LiamN]

You have to decide what YOU want. That is all that matters. Don't stay out of guilt or through some logical thinking. Listen to what your heart is telling you.
Picture your ideal life with your ideal person. Is this girl in it?
Be honest with yourself and have courage and you will see clearly what to do.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Boy this is so honest it hurts a little

Am sending you a *HUG*, ferndog.

That's what I love MOST about TAM; people are willing to 'bleed' a little to help a total stranger!

People are freakin' AWESOME!!!! Happy Monday, y'all!

 

[juniper_cisco]

Thanks a lot your everyone's replies, i guess it really was a good decision to post here . Feel should have done this a little earlier

After writing the post i realized that it has become a really long post. But this could really be the first time i am honestly thinking and writing what i feel about her.

Well after reading my post again , it really does feel a very black and white post, which it is not.

It really is not me giving everything and she is zero. I am really not a very emotional person. To be honest i have started looking at understanding the other person's perspective only after i got committed to her.

Now this all could well be my "Nice Guy" syndrome like "SlowlyGettingWiser" mentioned.

* Whenever i go out with her i do feel really good. There is a real sense of calmness when i walk holding her hand or hugging her by her waist. but i also feel really constricted and bad when we are not in a "Happy go lucky" mood and when we are talking normal things.

* She has always told me that the only thing she wants in her life is that the other person should except her and love her. In fact most of the times she has bought me gifts and paid our bills , just that she quit her job last month as she was not able to adjust the that environment.

* Her relationship with her parents is because they have their own load of issues and she becomes like a sink for them to take their tension out. This has been the case with her since she was a child. I have talked her into not reacting to them at all when they burst out and just tell them that "whatever they are saying is very hurtful for her and that she only wants good, she will only be in their house for only so long as she can handle . when she is not there how will they handle their situations?".

* She has said to me multiple times that my relationship with my parents is something that she always dreamt she had with hers and that she would love to be part of the family and will do her best to take care of them since they are reaching 65 and would definitely require our care in a few years.


The things which i really do not like about her is that:

* whenever i am not with her , she is always calling and wants to talk even when i am in some very important meetings.

* If we have made some plans and i include some other work that needs to be done she just looses it. Just happened last week , was about to leave my house to leave her when i remembered i needed to get something done for my mom. I told her i need 30 minutes as i need to get this done but she shouted and forced me to meet her first and i can delay that work for tomorrow.

* She is really very interested in talking about our relationship and emotional stuff but really tries to ignore things which i like or interest me. eg, i talk about sports or general stuff or my gadgets that i have. She just says i am really not interested in those. Just a couple of months back when that guy from red bull who did a free fall from space ... i was very interested in watching it and was getting kind of inspired as to how people push limits , but we actually had a fight during the jump as she shouted a freeking jump is more important to me that her and i why cant i talk to her.

So i talked to her that time and watched that jump later when she slept.

* whenever i have asked her that i need to go out with my friends she has never protested to it, but i have realized that i am really not in touch with any of my friends after almost 2 years with her and i only meet them every 4-5 months , and she also says that she is disappointed that she still cant fill my void and that i require to go out with my friends.

* A lot of times i have felt that i am really not heard and that there are situations where she starts preaching even without understanding a percent of what i was trying to say. She acts like she has got her life figured out and that she really know what is good in a relationship and she know WHATS BEST!!!


* It makes her mad but i really do look for time when i am alone and do not want to talk to her. I have lied to her so many times that i am working or busy with something else just so that i can spend some time alone.




I guess i really need to sort my thoughts together. Maybe one of you can recommend a forum like this where i can just talk and probably understand myself more.

and yeah 1 last thing sorry for this very long post.

 

[juniper_cisco]

Positive (I'm just assuming)
She's pretty
Smart
Honest
Faithful

Negative (I'm assuming this also)
Not there financially
Has no clear idea of who she is
Doesn't respect your decisions
Closed to your ideas
Codependent
Sad/depressed



Boy this is so honest it hurts a little

Well you did get alot of the points correct expect that :

* she was working till last month , and has saved up to last 1 year without doing anything. so i guess she is financially independent.

* she definitely feels closed to my ideas .

Thanks a lot for your post i have decided to really think this through before deciding anything.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Juniper:

I REALLY suggest that you get into individualized counseling to help with this situation. It doesn't HAVE TO BE YEARS of therapy, but there are some SERIOUS RED FLAGS here that THIS is an EXTREMELY unhealthy relationship.

• she also says that she is disappointed that she still cant fill my void and that i require to go out with my friends
• but i also feel really constricted and bad when we are talking normal things
• she is always calling and wants to talk even when i am in some very important meetings
• really tries to ignore things which i like or interest me
• she shouted a freeking jump is more important to me that her and i why cant i talk to her
• A lot of times i have felt that i am really not heard
• It makes her mad but i really do look for time when i am alone and do not want to talk to her. I have lied to her so many times that i am working or busy with something else just so that i can spend some time alone

A relationship does not have to be BAD ALL THE TIME for it to be a BAD relationship FOR YOU.

Your gf is VERY SELFISH and VERY MANIPULATIVE. She's not a terrible horrible person, but she is VERY SCREWED UP! She can't get along WITH ANYONE except YOU...and that's because SHE'S running YOUR life.

Did you notice that EVERYTHING with HER is ABOUT HER.
Did you notice that EVERYTHING with YOU is ABOUT HER.

• You're her only friend.
• You have to talk to her ALL THE TIME, whenever she wants, REGARDLESS of what YOU'RE doing (important business meetings, a special event on tv you want to catch, etc.)
• SHE IS BUILDING HER WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE on YOU...*THAT* is why she threatens to 'kill herself' (jumping out of your auto) when you try to break up with her.
• She MANIPULATES YOU into living the way SHE wants to; she likes HER LIFE just fine the way it is.
• She was pissed about you doing something for your Mom, but she CLAIMS she'll "help you with them" as they age! Yeah, I wouldn't count on ANYTHING but MORE COMPLAINING from her when you have to spend time/money/emotion caring for them as they age.

She wants you to PROVE she's THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE every minute of every day...

• disrupt you're important business meetings, PROVE that I'M more important
• don't go where you want or watch what you want, PROVE that I'M more important
• don't see "friends", PROVE that I'M more important
• don't make me wait instead of your Mom, PROVE that I'M more important
• be WITH ME EVERY MINUTE, PROVE that I'M more important than anyone, anything in your life INCLUDING (but not limited to) YOUR wants and needs
• ME, ME, ME, ME, ME....it's all about ME because I'M SO NEEDY

Seriously, set up an appointment with a therapist/counselor; take a print-out of this thread with you, and get a PROFESSIONAL opinion of this relationship. It's a MESS and SHE won't be happy until she is running EVERY aspect of YOUR LIFE. PLEASE be careful and DO NOT get this woman PREGNANT while you are sorting this out. You *WILL* kick yourself for the next 20+ years if you are TRAPPED in ANY kind of relationship with this woman permanently (marriage OR children together).

 

[Toffer]

This is NOT a good relationship

Marriage WILL make it worse

End it as soon as possible

 

[juniper_cisco]

Hi SlowlyGettingWiser,

Your responce was very shocking and saddening . i guess i have to get my life back together. But looking at how much she is dependent on me , i dont know what will happen to her . To tell you the truth i became friends with her just so that i could see a lot of pain in her and wanted to show her a little happiness. But now i guess i might put her in a worse position than she actually was to begin with.

One thing i have realized is that i will not spend my life with her , just makes me sad thinking what will happen to her.

she would really be left with nothing.

 

[Lady In Red]

One thing i have realized is that i will not spend my life with her , just makes me sad thinking what will happen to her.

she would really be left with nothing.

She will not be left with nothing. She is a human being with talents, and personality and character. She just needs to discover it. She's desperate because she has no sense of self, but that doesn't mean that she has nothing going for her.
She needs to discover that she is capable. She needs counseling. If you can in any way, encourage her to go when you break up.
Hopefully one day she will find herself, and find someone who appreciates her for who she is, not someone who goes out with her because he feels bad for her.
But you are not that person, and from what you write, this relationship is not taking her in that direction.
Best of luck!

 

[caladan]

Dude. Marriage is hard when you're two stable people who love each other very much. Any thing less, and it's hell. I don't agree with taking her to counselling and all that - don't make it your problem. It's her problem. Let her sort it out, or not.

And please, don't make a lifelong commitment based on how someone feels on your arm, trust me on this one.

Also- I gather you're a fellow techie. For a large number of us, our technology is extremely important. This whole "a freeking jump is more important to me that her" is rubbish self-pity. What happens when you try and aim for a new job and have to study hard for weeks on end? I'm sorry - if you don't prioritise your needs and desires, nobody will. You talk to her all the time, and there's only one jump ever.

I'm extremely concerned based on your post that you've made yourself a doormat, and now everytime you try to re-invent the relationship, she's going to freak out. There's a chance you can behave like some of our parents did, and brainwash yourself into the rest of your life being just your family, and that could well work, otherwise I have to say - you're setting yourself up for a rather unhappy marriage if you don't get out.

Let her fix herself if she likes. I assure you, she won't fix herself with you around.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

looking at how much she is dependent on me , i dont know what will happen to her

What will happen to her is WHATEVER SHE CHOOSES to happen to her. When you break up with her, suggest she see a counselor - NOT because she's CRAZY, but BECAUSE she's unhappy with herself and her life.

i guess i might put her in a worse position than she actually was to begin with

No, you were a loving boyfriend; hopefully you have SHOWN HER the need to get herself in a better place so she CAN have a REAL RELATIONSHIP with someone else in the FUTURE...when she's BETTER!

just makes me sad thinking what will happen to her

You breaking things off with her MAY JUST BE the impetus she needs to make SIGNIFICANT changes for the better in her life. YOU, however, CANNOT BE RESPONSIBLE for anyone's happiness/unhappiness but your own; anyone's health/illness but your own.

she would really be left with nothing

She would be left with what EVERYONE OF US HAS: potential. The potential to be happy, the potential to live a useful life, the potential to have MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS...not JUST with a significant other, but with FRIENDS; something she is currently lacking.