Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Pineapples, naughty neighbors and sex Oh My! The myths, misconceptions and the good, the bad and the ugly of swinging.

21K views 354 replies 35 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 ·
So my other thread spun so far off track with discussions and debate of swinging, that I figured it would be more efficient to just start a swinging thread.

My general approach here to this topic will not be 'should' people swing or not swing. That is up for each couple to decide based on their own marital dynamics, ethics and moral compass.

My position is that it is a thing, it is out there, it is a reality in modern marriage and consensual nonmonogamy is something facing marriage as an institution today whether a couple chooses to partake in it or not.

My intent is not to persuade or dissuade anyone on it, but rather discuss some of the myths and misconceptions as well as some of the cold, hard truths and the good, the bad and the ugly of it.

Some of us here on TAM have some real world experience with it. Some have honest questions and curiosities about it even though they have no desire to do it themselves. Of course there are those that think it sinful and wrong no matter the circumstances. And yes, I know there are some out there that are considering it whether they want to publicly admit it or not.

So if you have any questions or concerns about what is taking place out there in the nonmonogamous world, feel free to post here. Some of us have had some real world experience in this arena. I personally have no desire to "convert" anyone to the dark side or challenge your values or mores. But there are so many myths, misconceptions and outright lies about the nonmonogamous world, I do have an interest in arming people with actual facts and perspectives rather than myths, legends and lies.

My disclaimer here is that I am no longer active in that lifestyle and have not been in it for several years. This whole crazy pineapple thing has come along since I got out. Some of the other members here that may have had more experience with pineapples may be better able to explain how to display your pineapple properly LOL
 
See less See more
#2 ·
My latest experience with anything involving the word "pineapple" was one of the greatest things I have ever done in my life. We did some amazing things that most people didn't even know about, while the whole world was screaming into the wind.
It had nothing to do with swinging. So my first question is this...


What about pineapples? What's the story there?
 
#4 ·
I'll start with the pineapple thing since I am seeing posts and material about that on conventional social media. I honestly do not know where or how that got started. When I was in the lifestyle, I have attended clubs and conventions and events in a variety of states across the country and never once heard any mention of pineapples.

I suspect that this is some kind of urban legend that has taken on a life of its own and perhaps has become it's own reality. I have the feeling that some people started talking about pineapples and ended up hooking up out of the deal and things kind of took off from there.

But when I was in the lifestyle, people met through websites and swinger clubs and events and there really weren't any kind of underground secret handshakes or decoder rings or anything like that.

In fact for my wife and I and people that we knew personally, none of wanted anyone approaching us on the street or the grocery store or anywhere in our normal daily lives at all. People valued their privacy and discretion and did do or say anything to give suspect to any of our friends or coworkers etc.

Like all aspects of life, some people are more open than others. Some don't try to hide it at all and probably welcome being approached. Others are very private and discreet and their closest friends and family have no idea and that is the way they want it.
 
#5 ·
So...


Pineapples became a symbol that swingers use to advertise themselves to other swingers?

I still have no idea what the significance of pineapples are to the swinger community...
 
#9 ·
My theory on the pineapple thing is it started at a larger partial take over event. For those who don't know in the lifestyle community some people/groups will organize and takeover or get together over a weekend or more at a specified location. My guess is at something like this a pineapple was used to identify yourself as part of the lifestyle group at the resort so attendees were not hitting on random people at the bars. From there some of the attendees took the pineapple symbol back to their local communities and the legend of the pineapple was born.
 
#22 ·
That is as good of a theory as any, presuming it was actually started within the swinging community in the first place.

But I can't help wonder if it was actually something that got started as an urban legend in the nonswinging community and it just took on a life of it's own.
 
#27 ·
I would like to correct a few common misconceptions about the lifestyle that I know a lot of people have. Some that have been represented in threads prior. Others can add, correct or challenge, whatever they please. The community in general is a wide range and the interests and activities people engage in are extremely varied so there is no typical really, what I say is typical is what has been typical in our experience.

1. People in the lifestyle are not trying to convert obviously uninterested people or couples. The types that would do this but they are broadly ostracized by the community. Most of us who have been active have probably dissuaded more people than we have helped enter.

2. Married couples in the lifestyle only view sex as a physical act with no emotional bond associated with it. Some of us can separate the two all people can if they choose. For me there is a strong emotional bond involved in sex with my wife, I don't feel that with other women though.

3. Husbands are pushing the agenda. Either partner can be the first to broach the subject there is no typical, but in my experience women generally run the show.

4. The lifestyle is only about sex. This one is trickier because for some it is only about sex, and obviously sex is a very large part of it. Here on TAM mostly people discuss swinging and people generally seem to think of swapping etc. That is only one part of the broader community. We enjoy meeting and talking with others and sharing stories and building friendships based on this secret interest even when nothing sexual develops often it doesn't.

5. People in the lifestyle are a tiny group. In the US alone the estimates are around 12-15 million people. You know some even if you're in small town USA.

Thats a start anyway.
 
#36 ·
I would like to correct a few common misconceptions about the lifestyle that I know a lot of people have. Some that have been represented in threads prior. Others can add, correct or challenge, whatever they please. The community in general is a wide range and the interests and activities people engage in are extremely varied so there is no typical really, what I say is typical is what has been typical in our experience.

1. People in the lifestyle are not trying to convert obviously uninterested people or couples. The types that would do this but they are broadly ostracized by the community. Most of us who have been active have probably dissuaded more people than we have helped enter.

2. Married couples in the lifestyle only view sex as a physical act with no emotional bond associated with it. Some of us can separate the two all people can if they choose. For me there is a strong emotional bond involved in sex with my wife, I don't feel that with other women though.

3. Husbands are pushing the agenda. Either partner can be the first to broach the subject there is no typical, but in my experience women generally run the show.

4. The lifestyle is only about sex. This one is trickier because for some it is only about sex, and obviously sex is a very large part of it. Here on TAM mostly people discuss swinging and people generally seem to think of swapping etc. That is only one part of the broader community. We enjoy meeting and talking with others and sharing stories and building friendships based on this secret interest even when nothing sexual develops often it doesn't.

5. People in the lifestyle are a tiny group. In the US alone the estimates are around 12-15 million people. You know some even if you're in small town USA.

Thats a start anyway.

I would concur with almost almost all of this but will just add a few tweaks and nuances here and there.

#1: is very true. One of the great fears of the nonswinging community is that swingers are out to get you in bed. I would challenge that there are A LOT more supposed monogamists that will try to cheat on their spouse with YOUR spouse that swingers that will try to get a nonswinging couple into bed. As was shown in the other thread, there is great risk to making an overature in the wild. When about every community has some kind of club or group and there are countless websites and phone apps and such, why risk hitting on traditional couple. Most swingers I know personal greatly value their privacy and discretion and intentionally avoid giving off any signs or signals to nonswingers.

#2. While I agree with the general intent of that statement, it's a little more nuanced that separation of sex and emotions. Swingers are not sex robots. There's actually a lot of emotionality involved. It's fun! It's lively and there is often a lot of laughter and flirtation and banter and real friendships do develop. We still have friends that we get with even though we have been out of lifestyle for several years. There are a lot of emotions and at times even genuine affection but where it differs is you are having sex and fun with people you are not in a committed relationship with. There are emotions and attraction and desire but it's different than those of a committed, monogamous relationship.

#3. there are a couple old sayings in the lifestyle that address this. One is, "the husband drags his wife to their first party but then has to drag her away from it at the end of the night." The other is, "The husband gets the couple into the lifestyle but it is the wife that keeps them there." There is a strong element of truth to both of these sayings. To the uninitiated it would seem that the swing lifestyle is means for the men to get more poontang. The reality is it is very FEMALE-centric and mostly about the women. For many women it is the first time in their lives that their sexuality has been embraced and accepted without shame or judgement. And I am going to dare to say this as well, but it is also sometimes the first time that they have had actual free choice in having sexual activities with someone they truly desire and are attracted to sexually be they male or female. A lot of women of my generation and prior married men that were the "Nice Guys" and who their families approved of because they would be good providers and fathers. In the lifestyle it is the women who pick and choose who they hook up with. It's basically a big Sadie Hawkins dance. YES, that does pose risk for the husbands.

#4: I'm going to refer back to #2. I do think it is about more than just sex and hedonism. I think people want to feel sexually alive again after being in a somewhat socially mandated relationship and raising kids and paying mortgages etc for years and years or even decades. Speaking for myself, I wanted to be in an environment where I could be me and my wife could be herself and we could talk with people on a very personal and even affectionate and sexual level and not get my face slapped or sent to HR for sensitivity training. Much of our lives are very mandated by rules and policies and even actual statute laws to NOT be sexual and not get to personal. I wanted to be sexual and personal even if I wasn't actually having sex or going to have sex. I wanted to be able to tell a lady that I thought she was beautiful and sexy and that I'd love to touch her and kiss her and such. A few took me up on that offer. Many did not. But ALL were gracious and flattered and appreciated the compliment and the spirit for which it was intended and noone ever got upset or angry with me. The same is true for my wife, she is a beautiful woman but no one ever expresses that to her anymore because we live in such a regulated and restrictive world. She felt beautiful and sexy and accepted in that community regardless if she actually had sexual contact with someone or not. So IMHO it is about way more than just connecting genitalia. It was an environment where we could be fully human without shame or judgement or disparagement for being sexual beings.

#5. I can't give stats or figures but I guarantee you that you know and associate with some swingers daily. There are some where you work. There are some in your church ( yes your church too @Diana7 LOL) there are some on your street. There are some immediately across the street from me LOL They are in your communities no matter how large or small.
 
#29 ·
You go there dressed as Sponge Bob, or Patrick, then the fun begins?? 😛

Anyway, I have zero experience and don't share my women, anyway, so it would never be for me....I just always wondered what it would be like, though...Something tells me it would be a let down like when you go to a topless beach and think you are going to see some sexy young hotties with a killer bodies only to find some old hairy bitties with droopy old titties....lol.

All joking aside, it has always intrigued me, so its kinda cool learning from those that have first hand knowledge...
 
#31 ·
Something tells me it would be a let down like when you go to a topless beach and think you are going to see some sexy young hotties with a killer bodies only to find some old hairy bitties with droopy old titties....lol.
And that's just the men.
 
#325 ·
No worries, you won't be able to talk anyone into it.
I agree, there is no talking anyone into these alternative lifestyles. What there is however, is a) helping people to accept and understand that they are valid choice for those who want to, and that such people are not broken. And b) you can talk a person who is hesitant into safe exploration to make up their mind one way or the other.
 
#34 ·
I want to start this off by saying that I am a pretty easy going guy and I have a live and let live philosophy when it comes to people who have a different lifestyle than me. With that said, here are my experiences and my take on it all.

I currently know of at least 2 couples in the lifestyle but things aren't all they are cracked up to be. Basically, it means the wife can sleep around as much as she likes or she has a BF on the side while the husband tries and fails to find another woman that wants anything to do with a married guy. So if you are a regular guy who is married and thinks swinging will be fun, just keep in mind that your wife/partner will likely have many more offers than you will so you'll just end up being a lonely cuckold.

When I was married, my ex wife made friends with a girl at work. This girl and her husband invited me and the ex wife over for drinks just to hang out. We later find out they were just trying to seduce my ex wife. We were basically being groomed to join in their games. No thanks.

Years ago, an old friend of mine from HS hit me up on social media to be friends. Fair enough since she and I were close back in the day. Turns out, she and her hubby were in an open marriage like I described at first where she basically slept around and she was hitting me up to be a FWB for her. I was engaged to my ex wife at the time and I told her what happened. I cut off all communications with the old friend and basically told her to F off.

A lot of the people I know who aren't in that lifestyle have reported similar experiences. IMO it's hard to be friends with these people since they will just end up trying to bang you or your partner or both. I know this much, if anyone tries to hit up my partner for this crap now, I will respond with violence, guaranteed. I'm cool with people living how they want but they really need to stop trying to get people to join their cult.
 
#35 ·
A lot of the people I know who aren't in that lifestyle have reported similar experiences. IMO it's hard to be friends with these people since they will just end up trying to bang you or your partner or both. I know this much, if anyone tries to hit up my partner for this crap now, I will respond with violence, guaranteed. I'm cool with people living how they want but they really need to stop trying to get people to join their cult.
What's wrong with someone taking their shot?

You can't know the answer until you ask. As long as you respect what the other party says, isn't violence a little over the top? Take it for the compliment it is, say no, and if the pressure continues, then you get to pop someone in the mouth.

When I was about 20 I had a gay man make an overt pass at me. I declined, by my friend kicked him out in the cold during a power outage over it. I always felt a little bad about that.
 
  • Like
Reactions: ConanHub
#45 ·
......My position is that it is a thing, it is out there, it is a reality in modern marriage and consensual nonmonogamy is something facing marriage as an institution today whether a couple chooses to partake in it or not.

My intent is ......t rather discuss some of the myths and misconceptions as well as some of the cold, hard truths and the good, the bad and the ugly of it.

Some of us here on TAM have some real world experience with it. Some have honest questions and curiosities about it even though they have no desire to do it themselves. Of course there are those that think it sinful and wrong no matter the circumstances. And yes, I know there are some out there that are considering it whether they want to publicly admit it or not.

So if you have any questions or concerns about what is taking place out there in the nonmonogamous world, feel free to post here........
Never been part of the lifestyle. My wife, because of her body self image problems, would probably never agree to it.

However, when we were working with a Sex Therapist she had us discuss swinging and 3-somes a few times. The topics came up in both the Yes/No/Maybe list we filled out as homework and in watching some of the Sinclair Better Sex videos. Both were extensively discussed by us with the ST. The ST told us that at least in the group settings in the Sinclair "educational" videos, she had once been asked by the producer to visit a shooting and advice them about some things. Her impression was that in group settings there were some interesting dynamics going on in regards to voyeurism and exhibitionism.

So my curiosity question for those in the know:

What is the main motivation?
  1. Playful sex in a setting where sex is accepted
  2. Being able to relax among non-judgemental and like-minded people (a sense of community)
  3. Novelty of exploring different sexual partners
  4. Being able to have multiple sexual partners in a single night.
  5. Partners who are willing to try things your spouse is not willing to try
  6. Voyeurism
  7. Exhibitionism
  8. Thrill of something taboo
  9. Some of several of the above.

    I have been to some nude beaches in my day. Even in my youth attended a nudist park. It was very prudish and sunbathing oriented.

    However, as a 70+ year old couple our bodies are not what they once were. I would probably be pretty intimidated at being an eyesore, based on movie and TV representations of swinger events.
 
#47 ·
However, as a 70+ year old couple our bodies are not what they once were. I would probably be pretty intimidated at being an eyesore, based on movie and TV representations of swinger events.
First let me start here.

I have the feeling the crowd is getting younger as alternative lifestyles become more accepted and normalised in general.

But traditionally the swinging community has been largely in the mid 40s-60s with 70 year olds not being rare or shocking at all.

The first club party we dared to go to in our local area was hosted by a group of long term swingers that were at least well into their 60s if not actual 70s and that particular club was geared towards the older crowd.

I was early 40s and my wife was late 30s at the time and we felt kind of awkward being the babies as well as the new fish. We went to their orientation meeting which was a veritable gold mine and wealth of information. But we ultimately opted to not attend the actual party due to feeling so young and inexperienced.

My point here is there is a 70 year old swinging community. The movies and the tv shows and magazine and internet articles are going to show the young and perfect bodies. But that is a far far stretch from the reality of real life swinger clubs and events. There is everything from perfect hard bodied 20somethings to everything and I do mean everything else on up.
 
#60 ·
I have never experienced emotion free sex, so the idea is completely foreign to me. It seems like it would be a high level form of masturbation with no emotion. I really don't want to be used as a dildo and I don't want my wife to be some guys Fleshlight masturbator. Something just seems so wrong about that.

On the flip side, having any emotions involved may even be a worse situation. I don't want to direct those kind emotional feeling at someone other than my wife. Quite honestly I'm afraid. What if I start falling for someone else? I am a biological machine and have all the weaknesses that come along with that. I've never tested myself in that way or on that level. What if had sex with another woman, even with the consent and in the presence of my wife, and my will power couldn't over come my biology and I make a strong emotional bond with her? Maybe this is an unfounded fear, but it is there and I would rather not temp fate putting my very happy marriage at risk for some physical gratification. Especially when my wife already provides ample physical gratification and intimacy.

As for my wife, I have no desire for another man to be looking into her eyes while she is having an orgasm. I don't want to hear her telling some dude to pump her harder as she orgasms. I don't want to hear him moaning and groaning as he orgasms while inside my wife. Even if she had a grand ole time I can't fathom gaining any sense of satisfaction out of that. Quite to the contrary. I am positive I would feel a sense of loss.

My wife feels the same way as I do. We both feel that the strong emotional connection is what makes our sex as good as it is. Why would we risk that to add some form of lesser sex into the mix? Basically a bunch of ONS.

I know my history impacts my perspective on this, same goes for my wife. I lost my virginity to my wife, then GF, when I was 16. It wasn't long after that I fell in love with her. She was a few years older than me (19), but only had 2 previous sexual partners, the last being her fiancé and BF of 2 years. That relationship started while she was in HS. I basically grew up and became a man while in a sexual relationship with her. I personally want to respect that piece of our relationship till the day I die. My wife's ex-fiancé was a serial cheater. Pretty bad when you are a serial cheater by age 20, and it never stopped for him. Anyway, once she figured it out, it was over, luckily for me :) So we both have reasons why we are so dedicated to our monogamous relationship and I see nothing in the future that will change it.

I think some people are wired for a ENM relationship and some are not. I know I'm not. Even after 30+ years together I still struggle with this little kernel of retroactive jealous towards her ex-fiancé. It is enough to know that I would not deal well with the whole of this kind of lifestyle and everything it would bring into our marriage.
 
#61 · (Edited)
Since at the begining I mentioned I wanted to address some of the myths and misconceptions, one of the biggest myths about the swinging community from the outside is that of it being a sexual free-for-all or that everyone screws everyone or that swingers are by necessity indescriminate or have no restraint or selection etc.

I've even heard nonswingers say that one HAS to screw the party host or that you have to agree to have sex with everyone to get in etc etc (if that were true, I would've hosted a helluva lot more parties! LOL)

But the truth is very very different and a lot less glamorous. The truth is people in the lifestyle are often very picky,,,, they are just picking people you wouldn't and picking to play in situations that you necessarily might not. Their criteria and circumstances are specific onto themselves.

As I mentioned on another post somewhere, I would challenge that in many cases it is the first time a lot of women have truly chosen their sex partners based primarily on their own attractions and desires. Let me clarify a little further, at least in previous times, many women married men based on their family's approval of the man and based on his potential to be a good provider and father etc etc. Women were often discouraged and even shamed for exercising her own sexual choice and free will (that still goes on a lot in the Red and Black Pill communities and in the InCel communities because they aren't choosing them)

For a lot of women it was one of the first times in their lives that they had free choice to pick and choose based on their own personal attractions and desires. That could be with women, it could be someone of another race or ethnic group, it could someone tall, someone short, someone skinny, someone fat.... some of all of the above.

At a glance, from the outside looking in, it may appear like a complete breakdown of all restraint and selectivity and is a free for all..... but it's not. It's a pretty intricate dance.

For the men, it's completely different. This is right out of the half of a page of my college Human Sexuality class textbook. Many men go into it thinking they are going to have a veritable buffet of women lined up for them,, but the harsh reality is it is almost purely lady's choice and if no lady chooses them, it ain't happening for them that night.

And quite frankly, for a lot of men that do get a chance at bat, let's just say their "bat" fails them. That was also in my Human Sexuality textbook. Erectile issues are rampant in the lifestyle and kind of a dirty little secret.

We need to separate the porn from the realities here. The realities are a lot more nuanced and nitty gritty.

Most couples choose to play together where both people play or neither play and finding that 4-way click is often the most difficult part of swinging and in reality most couples probably go home without having sex with other people most of the time. At least until they find people that they all click with.

I don't want to paint too dark of a picture as there is a lot of fun and excitement and pleasure to be had. But the lifestyle is made of living and breathing humans and humans are human and all the complexities and hang ups and insecurities and foibles of human nature come into play.

That swingers are somehow sexual dynamos and have super human sexual prowess and able to take all comers (no pun) is perhaps the biggest myth of them all. They're just people.
 
#65 ·
...
For a lot of women it was one of the first times in their lives that they had free choice to pick and choose based on their own personal attractions and desires. That could be with women, it could be someone of another race or ethnic group, it could someone tall, someone short, someone skinny, someone fat.... some of all of the above.
...
Women in the US have been free to choose sexual partners based on their desires for a long time. Couldn't a woman could go to a club or bar or whatever and generally have access to everything you listed? You are also saying in an indirect way that her husband isn't who she would have chosen had she the agency to find someone based on her own attractions and desires.

...
For the men, it's completely different. This is right out of the half of a page of my college Human Sexuality class textbook. Many men go into it thinking they are going to have a veritable buffet of women lined up for them,, but the harsh reality is it is almost purely lady's choice and if no lady chooses them, it ain't happening for them that night.

Most guys go home without getting with another woman most nights.
...
I'm envisioning a room full of couples, all naked with a bunch of guys sitting on the side lines like at a middle school dance, lol.

Seriously though, this bit baffles me. If it is a party of swinging couples, how does the math work that there are guys that get none? You are telling me I could go to a swingers party with my wife and might get stuck watching her get banged while I sit on the side line holding my ****? That sure sounds like a lot of fun, lol.

In fact you are saying MOST guys go home without getting any MOST nights. WTH? Why would a man do that? If anything I thought the draw would be that you don't have to worry about striking out like when hitting night clubs and bars. Now you are telling me I could strike out at a party of swingers?

What happens in those cases? Does the wife give some sloppy seconds after the party to her man that couldn't hook up at a sex party? That sounds sounds like an insult joke, "you're man is so ugly he can't get laid at a sex party."

...
And quite frankly, for a lot of men that do get a chance at bat, let's just say their "bat" fails them. That was also in my Human Sexuality textbook. Erectile issues are rampant in the lifestyle and kind of a dirty little secret.
...
Again, wow. This is sounding like sooo much fun. I will get to see my wife pounded by another man, I'll probably strike out and not find any interested women and if I do I'm highly likely to get limpdickitis. I'm may have to seriously consider this. :unsure:
 
#68 ·
What you just described here can be summarized as swinging gives women an avenue to be sluts and be part of and accepted by a community of sluts. I know **** has a very negative connotation, but it is appropriate in this case. The definition of a **** is a woman who has many casual sexual partners. Is this really a positive thing?
 
#71 ·
What you just described here can be summarized as swinging gives women an avenue to be sluts and be part of and accepted by a community of sluts. I know ** has a very negative connotation, but it is appropriate in this case. The definition of a ** is a woman who has many casual sexual partners. Is this really a positive thing?
It is if you are the $lut.

And this is why it has historically been a pretty underground thing. Everyone is a $lut on the inside. It's all about image management to the outside world.

But seriously, that's why privacy and discretion is such a big deal. It's people's reaction and judgement just like yours.

People have lost their jobs. People have been disowned by their families. people have been kicked out their churches and civic organizations. All for doing a legal activity with consenting adults on their own personal time in the privacy of their own bedroom, because it is different than the accepted norm.
 
#78 ·
Hmph, the only bit with which I can relate is "...they were raised to NOT flirt with and interact in a sexual manner with women and to not make women feel sexually uncomfortable..." This was / is certainly my outlook. And my practice. In addition I was / am shy and never learned to flirt or socialize sexually or feel comfortable trying.

However, my experience does not support your comments about the partners women experience and choose. I have NEVER initiated, but have been hit on, received very physical flirting, been cornered by women, most of whom just wanted casual sex. They obviously got more than what the family approved of. If a shy retiring man like me experiences this, I would guess that women are not missing out.

On the other hand, Julie has been more outgoing and has had experiences of her choice. She made her final choice 44 years ago.Neither of us has a need or interest to go beyond our marriage. In fact, I tell Julie she is my safe harbor from dealing with other women as I found that casual sex with women was not fulfilling and was glad to be "off market".
 
#80 · (Edited)
I may have missed it, but if most of the men are not getting any at these parties, who's ****ing all the wives?
Never had any interest in this lifestyle, and even less now that it seems when you opt in, you are likely signing up to be a ****.
My pineapple will remain upright.
Not one thing is this whole thread has made it sound in anyway positive or in the tiniest bit appealing. On the contrary.
 
#89 ·
i am kind of surprised nobody has brought up the big elephant in the corner of the room.
lets say two consenting adults decide to go to a swinging party....how do you NOT catch an STD?

Sexually Transmitted Diseases are relatively common nowadays. If wife is going down on some guy, or getting banged by two strangers, or the guy is doing cunnilingus or boffing some hot babe there....you have two chances (both of you) or catching something, and then bringing it home!

Does everyone at these parties have STI tests just before the party happens?
Why is this worth the risk?

it seems, purely from a statistics point of view, it would be a lot safer to just find one other couple to swap spouses with from time to time....
 
#90 ·
i am kind of surprised nobody has brought up the big elephant in the corner of the room.
lets say two consenting adults decide to go to a swinging party....how do you NOT catch an STD?

Sexually Transmitted Diseases are relatively common nowadays. If wife is going down on some guy, or getting banged by two strangers, or the guy is doing cunnilingus or boffing some hot babe there....you have two chances (both of you) or catching something!

Does everyone at these parties have STI tests just before the party happens?
Why is this worth the risk?

it seems, purely from a statistics point of view, it would be a lot safer to just find one other couple to swap spouses with from time to time....
Simple math indicates at least an increased risk of disease transmission, contraction and impregnation by the wrong man.

Cautious swingers, the only successful ones, do reduce the risk but it will always be significantly higher than within a monogamous relationship with no infidelity. Monogamy with no infidelity has zero risk for paternity roulette and sexual diseases.

One thing I picked up on though, is that you might be thinking about more of an orgy setting which the posters in the lifestyle say are rare and many probably don't participate that way.

Think more along the lines of being friends with another couple long enough to trust them and that's probably a little closer to reality.
 
#114 · (Edited)
People in the lifestyle are a tiny group. In the US alone the estimates are around 12-15 million people. You know some even if you're in small town USA.
So about 4 percent of the population.

A lot of women of my generation and prior married men that were the "Nice Guys" and who their families approved of because they would be good providers and fathers... In the lifestyle it is the women who pick and choose who they hook up with. It's basically a big Sadie Hawkins dance. YES, that does pose risk for the husbands.
in my experience women generally run the show.
Men, pay attention.
 
#123 ·
@happyhusband0005 and @oldshirt Thanks for answering those questions.

I think there has been probably too much focus on the party aspect of this. There a million possible permutations of this and I think the party scenario is at the more extreme end of the spectrum. When it is a smaller group and more intimate it is sounding more like a polyamorous relationship.

@oldshirt In #3 you said that I said 3-ways with another woman are okay. I didn't actually say that. I said I can see how it might be more palatable, but I am still not okay with it in my marriage.

And for #5, I wasn't talking about the kids knowing about what mommy and daddy are doing with the neighbors. I meant when you purposely add risk into your marriage and you have kids you are adding risk to them and their family stability.
 
#131 ·
@happyhusband0005 and @oldshirt Thanks for answering those questions.


@oldshirt In #3 you said that I said 3-ways with another woman are okay. I didn't actually say that. I said I can see how it might be more palatable, but I am still not okay with it in my marriage.

And for #5, I wasn't talking about the kids knowing about what mommy and daddy are doing with the neighbors. I meant when you purposely add risk into your marriage and you have kids you are adding risk to them and their family stability.
#3: no matter how you slice it, you can't have a 3-way with two people.

#4; Ok I had no clue what you were talking about.

So let me put it this way, you and I are completely different people with completely different temperments and idiologies and world views etc etc so I do not expect you to agree with me on this, but I hope you can at least understand that things are different for other people. --------- for some people, strict monogamy is the GREATER RISK to family stability.

For my wife and I, the daily grind of bills and house repairs and child care etc etc was a greater risk to our happiness and home life than getting out and partying it up now and then.

For some people life-long, strict monogamy simply does not work and they are at more risk of splitting up than if they have some kind of mutually agreed upon outlet.

In my wife and I's case, it wasn't so much about wanting to have sex with other people per se, in fact with never went out one-on-one with anyone else. We wanted to have group sex together.

it was a fun and enjoyable, adult activity that we did together. And it saved us from drowning in the quagmire of daily life of bills and laundry and mowing the lawn.
 
#168 ·
I want to take moment to address another part of swinger lore and mythology that someone mentioned in an earlier post, and that is how swinging relates to cheating and that “swingers don’t need to cheat.”

Ok I can understand where that concept comes from as since people have an approved of method to get variety, “they won’t need to cheat.”

First off I have an issue with the concept of “needing” to cheat, but that’s for another thread.

But getting back on track, we need to make some important distinctions - cheating is often more of a character issue and selfishness issue and boundary issue more than a sexual variety issue or even a sexual issue at all.

Swinging doesn’t prevent cheating any more than monogamy causes it.

If you believe swinging prevents cheating, then you must also see monogamy as causation.

There are cheaters that are in the swing lifestyle.

There are people in the lifestyle, there for all the crappy things that people can do like lie, cheat, steal, kick puppies etc there are people in the lifestyle that do that stuff.

Swinging does not in itself prevent cheating and it should never be looked at as a means to prevent cheating. Period.

Cheaters will cheat whether they are in monogamous or swing relationships.

The faithful will be faithful whether they are in monogamous or swing relationships.

Supposedly there are supposed to be some kind of statistics floating around out there that indicate on the whole that lifestyle marriages experience less infidelity than traditional marriages.

Ok fine.

But I would certainly not ever put blind faith that adopting a swinger lifestyle will guarantee no infidelity.

I personally do not think the two concepts are related at all but that’s me.
 
#169 ·
I want to take moment to address another part of swinger lore and mythology that someone mentioned in an earlier post, and that is how swinging relates to cheating and that “swingers don’t need to cheat.”

Ok I can understand where that concept comes from as since people have an approved of method to get variety, “they won’t need to cheat.”

First off I have an issue with the concept of “needing” to cheat, but that’s for another thread.

But getting back on track, we need to make some important distinctions - cheating is often more of a character issue and selfishness issue and boundary issue more than a sexual variety issue or even a sexual issue at all.

Swinging doesn’t prevent cheating any more than monogamy causes it.

If you believe swinging prevents cheating, then you must also see monogamy as causation.

There are cheaters that are in the swing lifestyle.

There are people in the lifestyle, there for all the crappy things that people can do like lie, cheat, steal, kick puppies etc there are people in the lifestyle that do that stuff.

Swinging does not in itself prevent cheating and it should never be looked at as a means to prevent cheating. Period.

Cheaters will cheat whether they are in monogamous or swing relationships.

The faithful will be faithful whether they are in monogamous or swing relationships.

Supposedly there are supposed to be some kind of statistics floating around out there that indicate on the whole that lifestyle marriages experience less infidelity than traditional marriages.

Ok fine.

But I would certainly not ever put blind faith that adopting a swinger lifestyle will guarantee no infidelity.

I personally do not think the two concepts are related at all but that’s me.

yeah I will disagree with much of what you say but I will exit this thread now. Swinging is cheating. It's called consensual cheating in my book. But hey, if a guy wants a bigger dude to put his piece in his wife's butt, good for him. Ain't happening in my marriage. I will never consent to that. I value my marriage too much.

Peace out
 
#188 ·



Just provided for your information.
 
#199 ·
Useful. Also be aware that cheaters have a much higher STD rate than swingers, and cheaters are a much larger percentage of relationships than swingers.

Many swingers get tested regularly, and/or have a small number of regular partners whose history is known so they're safe in-group. Not all of course, so as with any sexual encounter it's wise to find out what you can about their status and precautions. And usually swingers come in pairs, so there's twice the chance that one will show symptoms if infected and they will withdraw until resolved. In our group over a 10 year span we had dozens of partners, knew several hundred more to talk to, and only ever heard of an STD situation once - from a club in the next state. A lot of our partners were doctors and nurses, so they were probably more aware and careful than most. Random, unvetted hookups are the riskiest, especially with single people.
 
#203 ·
If you are a guy in the "lifestyle" you better be packing something big in your pants or be really good looking. Otherwise, you won't be having much fun. Maybe you are a cuckold and enjoy the idea of your wife being railed by a bunch of different dudes. I've seen a lot of the swinger types advertising on the net looking for single females and guys with huge penises.
 
#205 ·
If you go by online profiles on adultfriendfinder most guys are retired underwear models and hung like horses and there are tons of bisexual single ladies who are former or current models. In reality most of the single guys are chubby guys with nubs and the bisexual single ladies are also chubby guys with nubs.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top