Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 44 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,652 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Do you have any personal embarrassments/issues that you would have to share with potential new partner and feel embarrassed about it?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,018 Posts
My concerns:

• sleep apnea (cpap definitely not optional!)
• lack of confidence, stemming from years of rejection in a nearly sexless and affection-less marriage to my only sexual partner ever (not strictly necessary to disclose, I suppose, but something to contend with).

Logically, I can convince myself I have something to offer. But, it’s hard to feel it. Projecting confidence isn’t going to come naturally (once I leave, that is).

I suspect the only way to overcome any sort of fear in this part of life is to accept that it is present, be in touch with your basic goodness and value as a person, and trust that any would-be partner worth having in your life - one able to offer you joy and pleasure along the way - will be accepting and not put off by whatever it is that worries you. You’re more than whatever it is you fear, and someone will naturally see that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
561 Posts
It shouldn't embarrass me, but it does make me cringe when I think about having to reveal it for fear that it will scare someone off. I am prone to depression. I've had it as far back as I can remember and I don't see it ever magically disappearing. It's something I have to live with and control as best I can, but there are times when it takes over my life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
776 Posts
Wouldn't the sleep apnea only become an issue when you two are sharing a bed? But it's also a turn-off for me when I can't sleep because my guest is sawing logs like a chainsaw. But ear-plugs are cheap.

But yeah, I have tons of issues that I wouldn't tell a date, or someone I would like some kind of LTR with. Like...
Being disowned by my family
And spending my holidays alone.
A difficultly opening up emotionally or connecting with people
My football hobby consuming about 3-4 months of my life, so the dating will take a nose dive. And I've had to use steroids in the past to be deal with weight loss, muscle fatigue, soreness, pain, etc., I imagine this is undesirable
And I have insomnia. I usually take sleeping pills for it, but it requires some planning on my part so I can take them at the right time to fall asleep. Which can make it difficult to have a...spontaneous, romantic night.
And I've been cheated on by two different ex's. Which is extremely embarrassing as a guy. Sometimes my buddies will crack a joke about it, like how I couldn't keep a girl satisfied or something. I'm sure that has influenced some things.

How have I overcome these problems?
I do what the men from Boondock Saints II do!
I hide my feelings!
Why?
Because it's none of your @#$%&*# business!

Real answer is I either suppress/hide my feelings or problems. I was never asked how I felt during the civil war of my parent's divorce, I was told to become the man of the house. Given that, I imagine this has caused me to hide all my problems so people that might care about me would never know all this crazy crap exist just below the surface, so they would never think to ask.

Did I answer the question?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,325 Posts
Do you have any personal embarrassments/issues that you would have to share with potential new partner and feel embarrassed about it?
I lost 4 of my bottom center teeth and have a denture. People probably think I wasn't keeping up with oral hygiene, but it's actually because of a combination of family genetic issues effecting bone density, a silent infection, and an accidental impact. It's something that's been hard for me. It took me a while to learn to kiss again and even now I'm a little off. Same with performing oral.

I've risked choking to death in my sleep rather than take out my denture before bed because I am so self-conscious about it in front of my own husband of 20 years who I am extremely close to. Like, show each other internet posts in the bathroom close to. But I hate to let him see me without the denture in. A new partner? runs screaming to suck thumb in fetal position in corner

I could have bone grafts and get implants so I'd be "normal" again, but that costs about 8k and I can either do some necessary masonry repairs and exterior door replacements that desperately need to be done or... so, yeah.

Also, I have issues with handjobs. I just suck at them. Fondling, I'm all good. Jerking off? Total fail. I don't know why, but I suspect it's because when everyone else was heavy petting and learning manual stimulation as a step toward intercourse, I was just having intercourse. A new partner might wonder why that's something that rarely happens and almost never happens to completion. Hell, for some HJ aficionados it might be a dealbreaker.

and trust that any would-be partner worth having in your life - one able to offer you joy and pleasure along the way - will be accepting and not put off by whatever it is that worries you.
I've read various Reddit threads about things that bother people and a surprising majority of respondents think its no big deal at all. People seem to be far more accepting of flaws on the whole than we give them credit for.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
561 Posts
I lost 4 of my bottom center teeth and have a denture. People probably think I wasn't keeping up with oral hygiene, but it's actually because of a combination of family genetic issues effecting bone density, a silent infection, and an accidental impact. It's something that's been hard for me. It took me a while to learn to kiss again and even now I'm a little off. Same with performing oral.

I've risked choking to death in my sleep rather than take out my denture before bed because I am so self-conscious about it in front of my own husband of 20 years who I am extremely close to. Like, show each other internet posts in the bathroom close to. But I hate to let him see me without the denture in. A new partner? runs screaming to suck thumb in fetal position in corner

I could have bone grafts and get implants so I'd be "normal" again, but that costs about 8k and I can either do some necessary masonry repairs and exterior door replacements that desperately need to be done or... so, yeah.

Also, I have issues with handjobs. I just suck at them. Fondling, I'm all good. Jerking off? Total fail. I don't know why, but I suspect it's because when everyone else was heavy petting and learning manual stimulation as a step toward intercourse, I was just having intercourse. A new partner might wonder why that's something that rarely happens and almost never happens to completion. Hell, for some HJ aficionados it might be a dealbreaker.



I've read various Reddit threads about things that bother people and a surprising majority of respondents think its no big deal at all. People seem to be far more accepting of flaws on the whole than we give them credit for.
Okay, if we're getting really down and dirty, lol, I have a small mouth (I know, hard for some of you to believe) and it makes it painful and tiring for me to do oral for very long. My jaw starts to hurt like crazy and I just have to stop. On the other hand (pun intended) I can make up for it with a good handjob. Haha!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,652 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
I am divorcing that’s why I started thinking about it... For me there are two things:
  • sleep apnea - either snoring or having “elephant mask” on . That’s when the relationship progress to that point, of course. Worrying about that first night and that too.... not sexy.
  • my skin. Few years ago I developed vitiligo -disorder where your skin loses pigment. I have pretty acute case. Parts if my body look like leopard’s skin. I do not even buy sleeveless blouses anymore, I can not look at my arms.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
214 Posts
The most I've done with anyone not my ex wife was a peck on the cheek or a homecoming / prom dance.

My ex was never really interested in "real" kissing. After our first kiss she decided that it was "wet and gross" so we never really did it unless she had been drinking. Almost every time it was basically having a tongue pushed as deeply into my mouth as possible. That might be an issue.

I had been told during elementary, middle, and high school that I was a poor example of a male and no one would ever really care for me. When my wife left, a lot of her reasons read like a checklist of what made me who I am. I don't know if either of these things are stuff I would be sharing with dates but its not stuff I'm proud of and it might affect the relationship eventually.

At 42 I still get pimples. Its not as bad as middle or high school but I've literally not been without at least a couple since I was 10 or 11. Most of the time they're below the collar now though.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,939 Posts
I have bad allergies. When I got tested, I was allergic to everything. As a result, my morning ritual of blowing my nose and clearing my throat isn't pretty. Nothing feminine or dainty about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,591 Posts
- My weight - I'd like to lose a stone

- My skin - my recent diagnosed disorder has now developed in full blown eczema and I'll have to go down the immunosuppressants route to control it... but I believe my disorder was caused by topical steroids abuse, pushed by dr and derma... but the medical community doesn't recognise it. At the moment, I'm covered in red, flaky, itchy, dry skin from neck to feet and have severe oedema in thighs, hands, arms, ankles and feet... on hefty oral steroids... I'm sure all this will pass, but I've been in severe pain for the last 2 months... :( wish me luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,011 Posts
I think everyone has some stuff they'd rather they didn't have and would rather a new partner never finds out. I've had three kids. I am blessed not be covered with stretch marks but there are other signs. My boyfriend has three kids so I never brought any of it up. He knows the drill. I know he sees it, he never mentions it.

I've had a breast reduction and that leaves scars. When I first got together with my boyfriend I was only 5 months out from my surgery. I had also had my gallbladder removed 4 months prior as well which also left scars. I warned him about them. He very sweetly said it didn't matter to him. After our first time he said he didn't even noticed the scars as they were so light. A few months ago he mentioned how they've lightened up so much you really have to look for them to see them now. So I called him out on his lie about not seeing them our first time together. He just smiled and said "I wasn't paying attention to them and I wanted you to feel confident with me." If someone really wants to be with you, they overlook that kind of stuff. He has a few skin flaws that I don't pay attention to either.

As for my emotional scars of my past relationships we've discussed stuff. We went away together when we'd been seeing each for about 6 months and I laid all my baggage out and he laid all his out and it was really bonding actually. I know what he needs from me and he knows what I need from him. We are both working hard to make sure the other feels safe in our relationship and I do feel safer with him than I have with anyone else, including my exH before I knew the truth about him. BF's ex-wife cheated on him and so I know he needs real transparency from me. When an old acquaintance starting fishing around, I was very open with my BF, showed him the messages, asked for his advice on how to deal with it. The guy just messaged me again last night after a long break and BF and I were laughing and joking about all the possible responses to "hey...what are you wearing right now?" that ranged from stern to very, very naughty talk about BF and myself. (After our fun we got serious and decided to ignore.) He knows I have nothing to hide from him. We've both been cheated on and we have no desire to make the other worry about anything.

@Broken at 20, your friends sound like total assholes. Sorry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,610 Posts
I am divorcing that’s why I started thinking about it...
When I was little my siblings picked on me to no end about everything that might be embarrassing. Today I am mostly immune to being embarrassed about those or any other things anymore.

It is like your mom says, "if anyone teases or makes fun of you for your issues, it is because they probably like you!"

Cheers,
Badsanta
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
480 Posts
Mine is a personality flaw more than an embarrassment, IMO. But it has come up in almost all of my relationships. I am obsessed with cars. I spend at least an hr a day (usually 2) reading, watching, or “playing” with mine. I have too many of them in most people’s opinion. Supposedly I should do something better / more productive with my time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,521 Posts
I am divorcing that’s why I started thinking about it... For me there are two things:
  • sleep apnea - either snoring or having “elephant mask” on . That’s when the relationship progress to that point, of course. Worrying about that first night and that too.... not sexy.
  • my skin. Few years ago I developed vitiligo -disorder where your skin loses pigment. I have pretty acute case. Parts if my body look like leopard’s skin. I do not even buy sleeveless blouses anymore, I can not look at my arms.
Snoring can be cute. Seriously. I love my wife's min-snores. When they go to maxi, I will once in a while record them, just for fun. Does not bother me. Flip things around, and my snoring bothers my wife greatly. And I don't snore nearly as loudly or as often as she imagines... she kinda dreams it. I've recorded this to see what's real and what's imagined.

Curious thing, the annoyance factor of my snoring, for her, varies with her mood.

The arm thing... don't think I'd worry about it. It wouldn't bother me. I don't think it would bother many. Own who you are. Easy for me to say, right? But if you can be as confidant in person, with a potential partner, as you are here on TAM... I think you'll do just fine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,521 Posts
OK, my own embarrassments. I'm a guy that doesn't feel vulnerability is a bad thing so once in a while I'll cry. Many women think it's wrong for a guy to cry. Doesn't happen often, but it comes up once in a while. And I'd warn a potential partner about my snoring.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
776 Posts
Oh, something else I should've added, I can't grow a beard (facial hair looks like crap) and I have no chest hair. The facial hair annoys me, because aside from maybe a 5:00 shadow, I can't really rock anything else. And a lot of girls I've met seem to like beards.

@Broken at 20, your friends sound like total assholes. Sorry.
They don't do it too often. Usually only when drinking and complaining about a girlfriend/someone they're dating.

Additionally, I never had a meltdown or shared my long list of problems with them. When my life imploded, we were in college, and most of them were out of town. So it's not entirely fair to judge them for certain things because they don't know the whole story.
But yes, I will agree. They can be jerks sometimes.

OK, my own embarrassments. I'm a guy that doesn't feel vulnerability is a bad thing so once in a while I'll cry. Many women think it's wrong for a guy to cry. Doesn't happen often, but it comes up once in a while. And I'd warn a potential partner about my snoring.
So I find this interesting...
You feel vulnerability isn't a bad thing, so you cry (about whatever, it doesn't matter)
But you're bringing it up. Which means, as a guy, you know something is inherently wrong about it. Like society will judge you for it, or that it's not socially acceptable.

Or I'm reading way too into something again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,011 Posts
They don't do it too often. Usually only when drinking and complaining about a girlfriend/someone they're dating.

Additionally, I never had a meltdown or shared my long list of problems with them. When my life imploded, we were in college, and most of them were out of town. So it's not entirely fair to judge them for certain things because they don't know the whole story.
But yes, I will agree. They can be jerks sometimes.
I guess they're pretty lucky they don't know how it feels to have someone you love betray you in that way. It's still pretty insensitive of them.

As for men crying...I can't think of a single man in my life who I haven't seen cry with the exception of my father who was so emotionally closed off he had not one healthy relationship in his life. I'll take a guy who can cry when the occasion calls for it.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,939 Posts
OK, my own embarrassments. I'm a guy that doesn't feel vulnerability is a bad thing so once in a while I'll cry. Many women think it's wrong for a guy to cry. Doesn't happen often, but it comes up once in a while.
My husband is not a crier. At all. But when it comes to his 20 yo daughter and the struggles she's had with her abusive/mentally ill mother, or talking about the death of his own mother, he does cry. Doesn't happen often. And let me tell you, my heart bursts with so much love for him in those moments. It sounds really corny and I'm the antithesis of romantic or getting caught up in my feelz but in those moments I fall deeper in love with him. Why? Because he's showing me his vulnerable side and he trusts me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,521 Posts
So I find this interesting...
You feel vulnerability isn't a bad thing, so you cry (about whatever, it doesn't matter)
But you're bringing it up. Which means, as a guy, you know something is inherently wrong about it. Like society will judge you for it, or that it's not socially acceptable.

Or I'm reading way too into something again.
I don't cry because I feel bad about being vulnerable. I cry because I might be very emotional about something. Not because I'm judging myself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,652 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
Wouldn't the sleep apnea only become an issue when you two are sharing a bed? But it's also a turn-off for me when I can't sleep because my guest is sawing logs like a chainsaw. But ear-plugs are cheap.
Yes, it would be an issue when moving on forward with relationship. I have cpap machine that takes care of snoring and gives me better quality of sleep but that thing is not pretty....;)
 
1 - 20 of 44 Posts
Top