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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Compulsive liar, personality disorder or both?

My wife cheated with a co worker. Thousands of texts per month were exchanged. After I found out she claimed they were just friends. She responded by telling me she did not want to be with me and had been planning to leave me for over a year. She refused to unlock her phone or pc.

What followed was months of threatening to leave; berating me; mocking me for accusing her of wrongdoing; lying to her friends and family that I was a controlling, paranoid, neurotic weak man, I begged her for months to tell me she had met him as I had phone records indicating so. She finally admitted that yes they had met on the night in question. During that night they texted and called each other dozens of times. There were 3 unexplained hours that he did not text her, she did not text him, did not answer my texts or answer the calls or texts from the girlfriend that she supposedly was with. After the three hours they started calling and texting each other until she arrived home at 4:20 am. During those 3 hours of unexplained phone inactivity she claimed they met for 30 minutes, had one drink, a kiss and then he left to attend a party. The week following their rendezvous they exchanged over 200 texts per day, starting the very next morning at 9am-sometimes until 3am-including more photos.

I asked her why she did not tell me. She claimed she feared I would leave her. I asked her if there was anything else she needed to tell me. I assured her I would not leave her. She lied again and said “no.” She promised me she would never text a single man or hide any conversations from me. She unlocked her phone and pc. Then, I found out through looking through her phone facebook account that she invited him to text or email her again, days after our talk.

For the next 3 months there were more threats to leave; berating me; mocking me for accusing her of wrongdoing suggestions of separation, etc…

I finally bluffed her and told her that I had a forensic specialist check out her phone, I asked her, “Is there anything else I should know?” She admitted to inappropriate texting, sending him inappropriate semi nude photos, and telling him she would find a way to be with him while I watched our children. She still cannot explain the missing 3 hours and will not admit she spent them with him.

When I asked her in counseling what it was she got from him she claimed, “He cared about me and asked me how my day was.” After months of talking (mostly me speaking to pure logic) she finally admitted that he did not really care and only pretended to, for the purpose of having sex at some point. I had asked for months that she write/text him a “no contact” letter. After refusing for 6 months, she finally sent it. In the letter she spoke of her poor decisions, how much she hurt me and our family, how she loved me and how she would spend the rest of her life trying to regain her integrity and make it up to me and our children.

She has not apologized to me. She claims she has. I suggested writing me a letter so as to not keep having this argument over whether or not she has apologized. She has not written me anything concerning her actions.

Recently she hugged me and said “I’m sorry, I was so selfish. I love you dearly and I will do anything to prove it.”

She claims this all happened because I neglected her emotionally and physically. She has also admitted it is she who cannot show emotion or talk about her feelings.

Our couples therapist (3rd one) tells me I am doing a good job in not pressuring her to talk about this. I told him I think my wife has a personality disorder. He said “that is accusatory and isn’t a very productive statement.” It has been a year. I grow more angry and weary daily.

I will say she does whatever-and I mean WHATEVER-I want her to do…except admit the physical part of her affair.

I am 50 now, fairly good looking or so I am told. I just don't want to leave her-I want to continue to help her be a better person and I DON'T want our daughter to end up like her mother-emotionally challenged. I recently told her I am scheduling a polygraph. She chuckled and said sure! Can't wait for this...
 

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If the two of you have chosen to rebuild the marriage then the two of you should create an emotionally safe environment where both of you can feel free to express your deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings. But that requires mutual trust and while it is easy to say that she is the one who violated your trust and you didn't, it really serves no useful purpose and just shuts the door on sharing what's on both of your minds for fear of the reaction of the other.
 

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Way too long of a thread, man. You'll need to condense it if you want more replies...
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Agreed.

I only read the last few paragraphs and you said:

My question is how do I continue in my efforts to support my wife (emotionally and sexually) if she cannot or will not admit being with the OM even in the face of proof via the timeline provided through phone/text msgs?

You either tolerate the fact that she continues to lie even in the face of the truth/proof or you remove yourself from her, telling her you won't tolerate living w/ lies or in an open marriage.

Oh and the last option on your poll ... ridiculous. Unless you want to live a life where you get zero needs met and she gets to frolick around w/ her lover and lies and you are the third party in your own marriage. If you're down with that, then have at it.



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If she gets a heart all the sudden, you may be the face of her guilt. I was, and the option of divorce was not given to me as an option, I was simply to be rid of, in hopes to free herself from the guilt.
Be careful, be wise. And dont beat yourself up over it.
 
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