Joined
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17 Posts
Hi all,
I will keep the facts of this brief as I am not looking for a shoulder to cry on, just wanting to get other peoples take on this to I guess verify that I'm not out of line here...
Partner had what evidence can only prove to have been an emotional affair.
I had the gut feelings for a long time leading up to finally catching her out, but the fact that she is a highly skilled forensic data recovery specialist for high tier company's and organizations (like law enforcement and defence) kinda gives you an idea of what I was up against as I spent months struggling to find the smoking gun that was causing my stronger than ever gut feelings that things wern't what they seemed.
Unfortunately though, when I found the tip of the iceburg, I let my emotions get the better of me and I confronted her immediately... when as I now realize, I should have kept it under my hat and stepped the investigation up so I could get the answers I now so desperately wish I had.
I'm one of those "need the full picture" kind of people... and I go crazy without it. My mind runs away with me and I can't let go of it, despite the fact it happened about 1 year ago now and we're getting married next month... and yes... I agree, not ideal and it sucks going into a marriage with this in the back of my mind every day.
Here are the basic facts:
The OM was a co-worker at her work.
They began outside of professional and work related contact approximately 1 month after they started working together on a work project.
* They talked over "Office Communicator" all day, every day. This I know because one of the few emails I recovered had a line from the OM saying "I'm always talking to you!" - which was a discussion about how they would have to find a new way to talk after he left the company.
* They secretly messaged each other via the chat feature of "Words With Friends" scrabble app. When I asked her why she was always playing scrabble or even asked her who she was messaging a few times during this, she would tell me no one and say she was playing scrabble... silly me didn't realize there was a messaging feature built in!
* They exchanged LOTS AND LOTS of sms's - to the point where she admitted that there more sms's between him and her and her and I... and I can tell you, her and I used to message her about 10-20 times a day... so I can't imagine how many there were with him!!? She in fact used this reason as her explaination as to why the SMS's had been deleted - she claims it was not because of the content, but because of the sheer number, which she knew was wrong. (further on this when I summarize)
* Her and I split up for about a week in late July/August - by this time they had been in heavy contact almost 24/7 for about 3 months... She swore to me there was no one else when I asked her at the time of the split - but it turns out that she felt the need to tell him that she thinks they should tone things down because she was going to focus on me (when after the split weekend I convinced her to get back together with me and give us a fair go).
However, things barely missed a beat with him until his contract ended at her company and he left to work at another place.
* During those 4-6 months while he was at the same company as her, they met daily and often multiple times each day for coffee together.
* They had lunch together a few times.
* She called him the day we returned from an overseas trip for my birthday... spent an entire hour on the phone to him on her drive home from work, then of course finished up the call as she arrived home.
* Text messages continued and email filled the void of day time chatter while they worked out and re-instated the office communicator capability at his new place of employment.
This went on until November, which is when I finally found the smoking gun that proved that something was going on with some guy and that's pretty much all I had.
She had deleted the SMS's between them, but she had forgot to delete the log's which showed there were a number of SMS's sent to a person, but she had for some reason felt the need to delete them and try and hide them. Unfortunately that left with me with nothing but a few months worth of recent logged sms's (all the phone would hold on to) but no actual content of the SMS's viewable. It also only showed me the last two months of the contact pattern. I suspect it was a lot more intense in the months prior though.
Office Communicator had not logged the conversations - they were irretrievable.
She had deleted all the emails except a few she missed and the work related and non out of scope discussion. It left me with nothing but a few flirty chats that had pet names and lots of "I miss your emoticons smiley faces etc" - she insists thats as flirty as it got, but admits there was a bit back and forth....
Words With Friends chat logs were deleted when she deleted their previous game history, in case I had found out. Gone for good.
This is all I had/have to go on.
It was clearly an Emotional Affair at the least. The thing thats driving me nuckin futs is the not knowing what the real content of those communicator chats and sms's and phonecalls was.
She claims they never discussed anything sexual and it was purely a friendship, that she admits was a bit intense and that's why she hid it from me.
I counter that claim with the fact that she has many many male friends and she talks to them all a significant bit! So why was her communication with him worth hiding? I never stopped her or called her out on any of her male friends before, what makes her think I would have had a problem with this one? I mean, if the communication was so frequent that I questioned it, the best thing she could have done is show me the message threads and show me that there was nothing to concern about.
To me, deleted communications are a sure sign that the content was not above board. But does anyone here see her argument here... is her excuse that "there was just so much communication, I knew it was wrong so I stupidly tried to hide it!" worth giving any weight to???
She claims they had made lose plans to catch up for a drink once or twice, but for various reasons those times never eventuated... once because she was sick and apparently stayed home in bed all day and the second time cos she was too buggered after a 20KM fun run she had been planning to catch up with him afterwards for a drink. I actually picked her up from This and she was with a friend who apparently was unaware of this guy and I therefore doubt they met up.
But who knows really... there were so many other opportunities I just never would have seen... and I was also interstate for a week or so every month during this time...
She admitted that he had sent her drunken SMS's once or twice that said "I love you" - but she says she never responded.
My question then is, what kind of self respecting male sends a girl he's never had any kind of sexual discussion or history with a stupid message like "I love you" ??? Most guys have a hard time saying stuff like that when they are married lol - but to try and imagine a guy who has never known anything except friendly, plutonic banter with is a bit beyond my BS scope.
The final kicker to the story is... when I found out, I gave the guy a quick phone call and introduced myself. I made it pretty clear that it was in his best interests to never contact my partner again.
About 3 weeks ago, he messages her over Office Communicator!
Now, firstly, how did he get back on her office communicator contact list, given that I had made her delete him off it long ago (did she re-add him?) and secondly... it must have been a real great friendship to justify his decision to come back and re-engage the communication a full year later, especially after the discussion I last had with him. In my world... I would only do that if I had had an sexual history with someone that I felt like revisiting... but to warrant it for a uneventful friendship only relationship from a year past... doesn't add up entirely for me!
So... I know I said I was going to make this brief... and I failed... but anyone who's still reading - What is your opinion of this - was it an EA only or am I not alone in thinking that this more than likely got physical at some point/s???
I will keep the facts of this brief as I am not looking for a shoulder to cry on, just wanting to get other peoples take on this to I guess verify that I'm not out of line here...
Partner had what evidence can only prove to have been an emotional affair.
I had the gut feelings for a long time leading up to finally catching her out, but the fact that she is a highly skilled forensic data recovery specialist for high tier company's and organizations (like law enforcement and defence) kinda gives you an idea of what I was up against as I spent months struggling to find the smoking gun that was causing my stronger than ever gut feelings that things wern't what they seemed.
Unfortunately though, when I found the tip of the iceburg, I let my emotions get the better of me and I confronted her immediately... when as I now realize, I should have kept it under my hat and stepped the investigation up so I could get the answers I now so desperately wish I had.
I'm one of those "need the full picture" kind of people... and I go crazy without it. My mind runs away with me and I can't let go of it, despite the fact it happened about 1 year ago now and we're getting married next month... and yes... I agree, not ideal and it sucks going into a marriage with this in the back of my mind every day.
Here are the basic facts:
The OM was a co-worker at her work.
They began outside of professional and work related contact approximately 1 month after they started working together on a work project.
* They talked over "Office Communicator" all day, every day. This I know because one of the few emails I recovered had a line from the OM saying "I'm always talking to you!" - which was a discussion about how they would have to find a new way to talk after he left the company.
* They secretly messaged each other via the chat feature of "Words With Friends" scrabble app. When I asked her why she was always playing scrabble or even asked her who she was messaging a few times during this, she would tell me no one and say she was playing scrabble... silly me didn't realize there was a messaging feature built in!
* They exchanged LOTS AND LOTS of sms's - to the point where she admitted that there more sms's between him and her and her and I... and I can tell you, her and I used to message her about 10-20 times a day... so I can't imagine how many there were with him!!? She in fact used this reason as her explaination as to why the SMS's had been deleted - she claims it was not because of the content, but because of the sheer number, which she knew was wrong. (further on this when I summarize)
* Her and I split up for about a week in late July/August - by this time they had been in heavy contact almost 24/7 for about 3 months... She swore to me there was no one else when I asked her at the time of the split - but it turns out that she felt the need to tell him that she thinks they should tone things down because she was going to focus on me (when after the split weekend I convinced her to get back together with me and give us a fair go).
However, things barely missed a beat with him until his contract ended at her company and he left to work at another place.
* During those 4-6 months while he was at the same company as her, they met daily and often multiple times each day for coffee together.
* They had lunch together a few times.
* She called him the day we returned from an overseas trip for my birthday... spent an entire hour on the phone to him on her drive home from work, then of course finished up the call as she arrived home.
* Text messages continued and email filled the void of day time chatter while they worked out and re-instated the office communicator capability at his new place of employment.
This went on until November, which is when I finally found the smoking gun that proved that something was going on with some guy and that's pretty much all I had.
She had deleted the SMS's between them, but she had forgot to delete the log's which showed there were a number of SMS's sent to a person, but she had for some reason felt the need to delete them and try and hide them. Unfortunately that left with me with nothing but a few months worth of recent logged sms's (all the phone would hold on to) but no actual content of the SMS's viewable. It also only showed me the last two months of the contact pattern. I suspect it was a lot more intense in the months prior though.
Office Communicator had not logged the conversations - they were irretrievable.
She had deleted all the emails except a few she missed and the work related and non out of scope discussion. It left me with nothing but a few flirty chats that had pet names and lots of "I miss your emoticons smiley faces etc" - she insists thats as flirty as it got, but admits there was a bit back and forth....
Words With Friends chat logs were deleted when she deleted their previous game history, in case I had found out. Gone for good.
This is all I had/have to go on.
It was clearly an Emotional Affair at the least. The thing thats driving me nuckin futs is the not knowing what the real content of those communicator chats and sms's and phonecalls was.
She claims they never discussed anything sexual and it was purely a friendship, that she admits was a bit intense and that's why she hid it from me.
I counter that claim with the fact that she has many many male friends and she talks to them all a significant bit! So why was her communication with him worth hiding? I never stopped her or called her out on any of her male friends before, what makes her think I would have had a problem with this one? I mean, if the communication was so frequent that I questioned it, the best thing she could have done is show me the message threads and show me that there was nothing to concern about.
To me, deleted communications are a sure sign that the content was not above board. But does anyone here see her argument here... is her excuse that "there was just so much communication, I knew it was wrong so I stupidly tried to hide it!" worth giving any weight to???
She claims they had made lose plans to catch up for a drink once or twice, but for various reasons those times never eventuated... once because she was sick and apparently stayed home in bed all day and the second time cos she was too buggered after a 20KM fun run she had been planning to catch up with him afterwards for a drink. I actually picked her up from This and she was with a friend who apparently was unaware of this guy and I therefore doubt they met up.
But who knows really... there were so many other opportunities I just never would have seen... and I was also interstate for a week or so every month during this time...
She admitted that he had sent her drunken SMS's once or twice that said "I love you" - but she says she never responded.
My question then is, what kind of self respecting male sends a girl he's never had any kind of sexual discussion or history with a stupid message like "I love you" ??? Most guys have a hard time saying stuff like that when they are married lol - but to try and imagine a guy who has never known anything except friendly, plutonic banter with is a bit beyond my BS scope.
The final kicker to the story is... when I found out, I gave the guy a quick phone call and introduced myself. I made it pretty clear that it was in his best interests to never contact my partner again.
About 3 weeks ago, he messages her over Office Communicator!
Now, firstly, how did he get back on her office communicator contact list, given that I had made her delete him off it long ago (did she re-add him?) and secondly... it must have been a real great friendship to justify his decision to come back and re-engage the communication a full year later, especially after the discussion I last had with him. In my world... I would only do that if I had had an sexual history with someone that I felt like revisiting... but to warrant it for a uneventful friendship only relationship from a year past... doesn't add up entirely for me!
So... I know I said I was going to make this brief... and I failed... but anyone who's still reading - What is your opinion of this - was it an EA only or am I not alone in thinking that this more than likely got physical at some point/s???