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M ypartner and I have been together for over 8 years. We have a 6 year old, Carl and 2 month old twins. He is a loving father. He is dedicated to his children. He does not drink, or party but has an occational smoke (he says to help cope with stress of a messy home). I have been a stay-at-home mom for three years to homeschool the kids (I do this exceptionally well. Carl has been reading since age 2 and his maths is at a 6th grade level).

My partner works hard and is in construction and now works long, strenuous hours. Our employment levels have had ups and downs over the years but we manage to always climb steadily. We came together during a hard time and began to live together to make ends meet. I was very energetic but when I was pregnant with Carl, I could no longer keep up with the demands of work and school and began to work parttime, as my partner was doing. During this time, I became sickly (as to be expected) and became not only physically, but financially dependent on my boyfriend.

He is emotionally withdrawn, and during that first pregancy as with the second, I felt, neglected (he would not lend a hand in cleaning). One time, I scubbed the floor, while pregnant, on my hands and knees and he would not help. Later, he told me it was because he was mad at me. He would not go out of his way to make me comfortable. His mother gave me her mattress to sleep on but before that, I slept on the floor.

His sexualy appetite remained the same. I could not keep up. Morning sickess lasted the majority of the pregnancy and his personal hygiene was revolting. He brushes his teeth maybe once a week and showers only before work and never afterward (unless we have a visitor). My hygiene is great so this is not some like =like situation. I began to dislike his approaches.

While I was pregnant, he came accross polygamy as he was looking for ways to "improve our situation". He says many hands make light work. I agree with this. However, during that time (pregnant), I became depressed. I felt I had found myself a monster. He was emotionally withdrawn, void of affection, except when wanting sex, and now, he wants another woman?

I resisted this idea violently and would find myself raving mad. However, I began to reason. I felt this anger was coming from feelings of insecurity, jealousy, etc. I becan to address this personally and silently until I could discuss with him without blowing a fuse. When we spoke of it, I saw the plusses (friends always there to help, kids always with an elder, financial teamwork, happier partner, etc). I generally saw this would make him happy (I have a big family so this was not necessary for me). My husband is an only child (he has a half brother though they don't communicate and his relationship with his mom and dad is non-existant). I respected he wanted to sheild his first child from lonelines.

We began to search together for another woman. Years later, we found her. A beautiful, wonderful, respectfuful, and loving woman. We began to "court her" (get to know each other). She and I became close. My partner, however, though we had found his "dream", was still depressed, emotionally distant, rude, snubbish. He would only clean himself before she arrived. His patience during conversation was better when he spoke to her. With me, he was the same. I began to dislike her presence. She, began to be sad (even crying during sex and he wouldn't even notice and continue). I saw that she was going though the same difficulties with him that I have experience and decied to end it. She was a wonderful friend but I could not condemn her as I felt condemned.

When this triangle was disolving, my partner spoke horribly of her (she was too emotionally needy, she was financially unstable, etc) I would always defend her because I truely loved her. He did not appreciate her. I was embarased by him and often appologized for his behaviour (having her wait outside, in winter, until a guest left, for example).

Months later, his eyes are opening. He is beging to recognize his loss. Has he attoned? No, I am to blame, he says I sabotaged their relationship. :slap:I tell him he was the saboteur, I was executer. I don't bull****. That woman has a whole life of respect and happiness ahead of her. When it ended, she blamed me too, however, she wanted me to help her fix things with him. I told her I could not because he and I are having the same problems and perhaps if he were more amicable....I don't know if she yet understands the trouble I saved her. She can marry. I am with a man who will not legally marry me. :yawn2: He doesn't want to legally marry in order to be open to polygamy.

So, here we are, he is still unhappy, wakes up in the middle of the night to porn in the office. He even locked is cell phone from me after I confronted him about the porn I saw on it (I have an outdated phone and often use his to browse the web). I exclusively breastfeed 2 babies and pump in the middle of the night and homeschool our first born. These are both standards that we have held up from the begining of our relationship.

Hubby complains he can never find anything in the house. He says he dreads coming home because the house is a mess. I have upped my cleaning to ensure the house is spottless to give him less to complain about. Even have him make lists for me to ensure our expectations are equal. I do all on the list and then some. I have always wanted to be more organized and do this to also find "true" cause of his sadness.

This mornig, before he left for work (he has recently begun grooming himself exceptionally well for work) he asked me how he looked, as we stood in the middle of a spotless kitchen. I told him he looks good but he only cleans himself for work. He replied its the only time he feels happy. Every other time, he is in a "depressed state". I sigh, at last, a hint of admittance that I am not his shackle. IT IS NOT MY FAULT! For years, he has blamed me for everything from throwing away his holy shoes (I am a home maker, mind you), to his communication with his father whom I have never met. DEPRESSION!

I feel he may not love me as he should, as a lover and as a soulmate. He says "I love you" everyday. But his body language says otherwise. We may fall asleeep on the couch. He would rise to find a blanket for himself but leave me without. Little gestures like those mean so much to me. I want to feel cherished. We started off in a rat-infested appartment. Now, he has bought a home (I am not on the deed) on a large lot, in a great suburb. I have no health insurance ( I would if we were married). I have a roof over my head, clothing on my back and food on the table. Dare I ask for more?
 

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OP, what do you want??

You have pretty much left him run the show and you accepted it. Inviting someone into a home works for few people. What did you expect from this?
Be honest with yourself please. Do you want a polyamorous relationship? Do you want your husband to have more wives?
If this is what you want then go for it.
I personally think your husband needs counseling because nothing seems to make him happy. He wanted to have another woman in your relationship but once that happened, he wasn't happy.

I feel he may not love me as he should, as a lover and as a soulmate. He says "I love you" everyday. But his body language says otherwise. We may fall asleeep on the couch. He would rise to find a blanket for himself but leave me without. Little gestures like those mean so much to me. I want to feel cherished. We started off in a rat-infested appartment. Now, he has bought a home (I am not on the deed) on a large lot, in a great suburb. I have no health insurance ( I would if we were married). I have a roof over my head, clothing on my back and food on the table. Dare I ask for more?
You need to decide what makes you happy. You cannot expect for him to treat you like a "soulmate" when you have given him every reason to treat you like a doormat.
Either accept him for how he truly is (how he has always shown you to be) Or be a strong independent woman and leave him.

You deserve so much better OP, you don't realize how brave and wonderful and amazing you are. You deserve a man who will call you his one and only, who will love you for everything that you are and also for what you are not.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Ne9907,

I have let him run the show. I don't want polygamy or anything like it. It will ruin the relationship with the family I already have. It may even destroy it, outcast me. I don't want this and will never take that step again. I have told my partner this and he has met it with anger. He says a woman should follow her husband's beliefs. I told him, we are not married.

I dreaded that getting in the way of his poly dreams is me ruining his destiny (as he calls it). So I told him that he has my blessing but I can not go on that path with him ( he replys that I will, refusing to accep it. He says he is not doing it without me. Of course he can't do it without me because I'm thinking he is emotionaly retarded. I was the one to bring the other woman back during their disagreements). I keep thinking, if I do this and that, he will be happy but to no avail.

I'm wondering if his dispression can be addressed directly, there may be improvement. I want to try for eight years, three kids, and many hopes.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
tryingtobetter, I just ordered the book. I hope it is helpful.

I know you cannot answer this. But I wonder, If my partner is geting his needs met, why does he want another? Why would he be unhappy.

I recognize my needs are not met. However, I am not interested in other men. They don't even exist to me.
 

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His reasoning for an extra woman its spot on.

While at it ask him to get another man as well.
 

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Jakangaroo
Do you think he will accept counseling? How well do you know him?
 

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Jakangaroo
Do you think he will accept counseling? How well do you know him?
I will approach it carefully otherwise he may be defesive. I am looking up information on how to do this respectfully. I don't want him to feel like I am nagging him or treating him like a child.
 

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I will approach it carefully otherwise he may be defesive. I am looking up information on how to do this respectfully. I don't want him to feel like I am nagging him or treating him like a child.
I don't know why I have a bad feeling about this. Has he been violent?
Do you have a support system in place?
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I don't know why I have a bad feeling about this. Has he been violent?
Do you have a support system in place?
He is not violent. I do need a support system. I hesitate to speak of this with my family. Its only during the last 3 ish years that they have begun to respect him, seek his company, etc. I think this may be because I do not work, they may feel this is a solid sign that he is a resposible partner and father. But I feel they may not offer a balanced advise.
 

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I'm fully supportive of poly relationships, but I don't believe that going poly is the solution for a dysfunctional relationship. Tell him you want to heal yourselves first, before considering bringing in another partner. Otherwise, you are just going to have a repeat of the last time.
 

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This is a story about Frankenstein, sorry for insulting the character, it could not help being invented like that.

You are like a slave, where is your dignity??
 

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I don't understand. Are you implying he is gay? Are you saying he has a right to polygamy? Are you saying I should stray?
I am saying that he does not have a right to polygamy unless you also want multiple partners.

Its not a one way street.

But frankly I dont think he is a nice guy and I am having difficulty believing that any woman will put up with this kind of nonsense.
 

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tryingtobetter, I just ordered the book. I hope it is helpful.

I know you cannot answer this. But I wonder, If my partner is geting his needs met, why does he want another? Why would he be unhappy.

I recognize my needs are not met. However, I am not interested in other men. They don't even exist to me.
I would distinguish between his or any other man's reasonable needs on the one hand and desires on the other (the latter can be unlimited).

I hope the book helps.
 
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