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A man being gay is very convenient to minimize a hookup situation involving him. Gay men can be bisexual as well. Watch out for the ones who happen to be well endowed in particular. Dopamine is same in all men.

For recap:

Two elderly men who were guests at the retreat turn up, one goes to the shower unit but the other decides to jump into the spa with my partner naked. As she put it, with his 'elephant truck" floating around. They chatted for a while and as it was late they decided to get out.
He noticed an attractive woman (OP's partner), introduced himself to her, and gave her a full view of his package. Just check his guts.

She did NOT walk out on him.

He told her he didn't really know his away around the site so she happily escorted him back to his room.
Really? Where was his partner? Or is he alone and not supposedly gay?

She took the bait.

Next day in the afternoon, he joins a group of woman in a pool naked again...my partner was there and she said she didn't mind as she's already see it and he was a nice guy.
He is a NICE GUY now?

Rationalization and encouragement continued.

Next day, she decided to have another late night spa and yes, as you can could guess, this man turns up again and joins her in spa (which I might add is only 2 wide.) She said they had a good chat together for about 45mins and then got out and presumably to go back to their own rooms.
Yes, this is WHEN the LINE was crossed. Probably earlier but WE have to work with information on hand.

How is this innocent anymore? This [is] a deeply disturbing development.

This man is now the Other Man (OM).

I told her was pretty disturbed about what happen, but she said nothing happened. I asked her if she kept for swimsuit too as she does like the nudity lifestyle at times. She said yes she did. But I found the whole situation bizarre. I told her what kind of man just comes to a spa with a woman stranger in it and jumps in nude. She said she can't control what others do and as she was dress, she saw no point in getting out.
OP [is] rightfully disturbed and conveyed his feelings to his partner. She was making excuses for the OM instead.

She could not walk out on the OM or tell him to respect her privacy, right?

My thoughts went rampant that night and only could think what could happen in that situation late at night, them two alone in a spa, dimly light. The spa is so small physical touching would of been a given.
I told her how would she feel if I was in that situation and a naked woman jumped in and I decided to chat to her and help her find way back to her room. and then do it again another night. She said, no, she wouldn't be happy about it. But then said what could she have done.?
The double-standards and excuses are all over the place. She would not find this acceptable for her man (OP).

But she could not walk out on the OM or tell him to respect her privacy, right?

I am wondering to myself, did they decide to meet again for another late night spa...? really felt like it and whether she keep her swimsuit on or not, I'm not sure...having doubts

She was pretty angry at me and told me to "get over yourself"... as to say, Ive got jealousy issues.
In the end, she told her partner (OP) to get over it. Amazing.

Yes, nothing about this development is innocent. It stinks.

Setting is largely irrelevant.
 

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My bad for not doing research of this place,, assumed it was just some sort of conference place with accommodation where she and her girlfriend would do volunteer work. Bit of a OE thing to enjoy and experience and then come back to life in NZ. After reading their statement, feel even more gutted... Could I hold her back from going if I did the research?... probably not, even if I did, think deep resentment would have come into the relationship.
No wonder they're looking for female volunteers.
 

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My bad for not doing research of this place,, assumed it was just some sort of conference place with accommodation where she and her girlfriend would do volunteer work. Bit of a OE thing to enjoy and experience and then come back to life in NZ. After reading their statement, feel even more gutted... Could I hold her back from going if I did the research?... probably not, even if I did, think deep resentment would have come into the relationship.
You clearly have not set any boundaries or expectations in your relationship.

You’re either in a serious, committed relationship or you’re not. And if you are, it’s not appropriate for your partner to be running off on a multi month getaway across the world to a place like this.

The fact that she chose to go in the first place shows that she’s not relationship material. Clearly she views your relationship differently than you do, or she has a warped view of a relationship boundaries and expectations.
Either way, it’s time for you to demote her from partner to a more non-committed status, or dump her entirely.

And if you did truly view her as your long-term, committed partner, then you failed at setting appropriate relationship boundaries with her. You can’t control her or tell her not to go, but you can tell her what you expect in a partner and if she chooses to go on a trip like this, then she’s choosing not to be your committed partner. And you will respond accordingly. Unfortunately, you didn’t do that, so now things are a lot messier for you.
 

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You clearly have not set any boundaries or expectations in your relationship.

You’re either in a serious, committed relationship or you’re not. And if you are, it’s not appropriate for your partner to be running off on a multi month getaway across the world to a place like this.

The fact that she chose to go in the first place shows that she’s not relationship material. Clearly she views your relationship differently than you do, or she has a warped view of a relationship boundaries and expectations.
Either way, it’s time for you to demote her from partner to a more non-committed status, or dump her entirely.

And if you did truly view her as your long-term, committed partner, then you failed at setting appropriate relationship boundaries with her. You can’t control her or tell her not to go, but you can tell her what you expect in a partner and if she chooses to go on a trip like this, then she’s choosing not to be your committed partner. And you will respond accordingly. Unfortunately, you didn’t do that, so now things are a lot messier for you.
Yep, I would concede you have the fundamentals right... like many, we do go into relationships with an expectation on how that person will conduct themselves and put 'blind' trust believing that this situation wouldn't/shouldn't happen. An if the man hadn't shown up, I would have no issue with her. But like many of us, we go into relationships without enough due diligences. We presume rather than ask. We look over time evidence on how that person conducts themselves and assess based on what we see. Problems is when something that's not a normal situation turns up and how that person reacts. How many posts have we seen when woman on holiday with her partner/husband go and has a massage that turns out more than she bargain for, ends up shocked at first but enjoys it until she has some sexual fulfilment. And then keeps it quiet from her husband. She initially thought she would never do such a thing but...'couldn't help herself' and it happens all the time. How many hold up to partners expectations when so far away and put in a situation as in the spa late at night...

Not condoning her actions at all. And I am very much re-evaluating my commitment with her... She said nothing happened... and I've got no real proof she's lying either . Just a lot a weird situations that lead to a pretty strong conclusion something must of happened...a real mind bender...

Just my thoughts and I take on board what you have said... thank you for putting there...
 

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Yep, I would concede you have the fundamentals right... like many, we do go into relationships with an expectation on how that person will conduct themselves and put 'blind' trust believing that this situation wouldn't/shouldn't happen. An if the man hadn't shown up, I would have no issue with her. But like many of us, we go into relationships without enough due diligences. We presume rather than ask. We look over time evidence on how that person conducts themselves and assess based on what we see. Problems is when something that's not a normal situation turns up and how that person reacts. How many posts have we seen when woman on holiday with her partner/husband go and has a massage that turns out more than she bargain for, ends up shocked at first but enjoys it until she has some sexual fulfilment. And then keeps it quiet from her husband. She initially thought she would never do such a thing but...'couldn't help herself' and it happens all the time. How many hold up to partners expectations when so far away and put in a situation as in the spa late at night...

Not condoning her actions at all. And I am very much re-evaluating my commitment with her... She said nothing happened... and I've got no real proof she's lying either . Just a lot a weird situations that lead to a pretty strong conclusion something must of happened...a real mind bender...

Just my thoughts and I take on board what you have said... thank you for putting there...
I would expect that if I was living with a girl that first there was some arrangement between the two on paying the costs of the house and rent , if she wanted to go to the other side of the world for to better her experience that the cost of that would be impact on both people in the couple ,

this girl was living with you , so big question is was she paying her way and part of the rent , or was she paying with sex ,
it is nice to have a girl to come home to and play house with if they can live for free off someone , but someone has to have a job ,

It cost a lot of money to go to the UK and there had to be something out of it her her more than the time off , we don't need to know what was the advantage in going there , but you need to know and you should have know what the place does ,what they offered her as experience, you should have know more that what is on their site as we just see from the side of a client,

many years ago my wife after her last year in school went to work as a volunteer for a year in another country , when she was there she found after a time she was not getting what she was trading her time for ,as even if your volunteering and not getting big pay or any you are still trading time for something and most of these are trading experience in a field that you can use when you go home if they are not giving you that they are using you , so what is the trade off here

how was what she was doing there going to be put into use for her life ,
my wife when she went out there she was living with the family and she was getting some cash in hand , but she in a way was an illegal emergent and if she got hurt or ill she was at risk ,

IF YOU HAD BEEN TOGETHER FOR 4 YEARS , You were a couple living as a couple and not just **** buddies
 
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Thank you all you guys for the feedback received. Really appreciated it...this is a great site and for people like me to off load deep concerns, do feel it has taken some of the stress away and given me empowerment to not be ashamed on how I felt. . I need to now turn it back on her when get gets back and tell her, no, there is not something is wrong with me. Whether we continue together remains questionable but will see how it plays out.
Don't let her accuse you of "controlling" you or of having "unreasonable jealousy". That's always the accusation when the person in the wrong finds that their behavior is questioned.

Just say that you have your own agency, and you are able to determine who you want to be with. You don't want to be with a woman who thinks it is appropriate to be in a spa with a naked strange man when she is in a committed relationship with you. That shows she has very different boundaries than you, and whatever happened or didn't happen in that spa, it is inevitable that the difference in boundaries is going to be an issue in the future.

You need to leave the relationship for that very reason. She needs to find a guy with the same boundaries as her. It's not you. It's not most of the posters here in TAM.

That's the point of having an extended relationship before committing to marriage. To discover each others' compatibilities and incompatibilities. I would say this boundary difference is a deal-breaking incompatibility.
 

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The fact that she said "elderly" is a clear way to try to minimize him as a threat.... just like all cheaters do when they are talking about their affair partner (he is gay, he is married, he is a jerk, he is not attractive... blah, blah, blah).

He is probably her age or not much older.

The fact that she went back the second night, she was likely hoping for him to show up again and this is a much bigger issue.

Sorry OP, after being together 4 years, this is wholly unacceptable behavior, and what is worse... you said you were concerned, that this was crossing a boundary for you and instead of listening to you and trying to accommodate her partner's boundary, she attempted to gaslight you and tell you it is not a problem, and that you and your insecurity are the problem.

These are huge red flags.

Something physical likely happened with her and elephant man, but even if it didn't, you can't proceed in a committed relationship with someone who doesn't respect YOUR boundaries. Some might say, well you didn't clearly state your boundary... BS.... what she did is not acceptable for someone in a committed relationship.

So move on.

Honestly, if she really cared, she would have been flying home to you when she heard your concerns. You should have and still should just stop talking to her while she is on this trip. You didn't stand up for yourself strongly when she blamed your insecurity for your feelings, and now you appear weak. Take a strong stance.... just tell her you can't believe her actions and that she can come home and talk to you... or not.

If you proceed with her, you'll be another one of those coming back here two years later saying I should have listened.
 

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Late to the party here.

Does it really matter what type of spa it is or what type of volunteering she's doing?

OP you are right on with your thinking. Your wife can't control what this man does but she can certainly control what she does. She should've got out of the spa when he got in naked. End of story. Then to have it happen the very next day?

Then to have your wife describe his junk that way? Come on. For her to Then try to spin it that you have "jealousy issues". GET OUT OF HERE WITH THIS B.S.
 

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Late to the party here.

Does it really matter what type of spa it is or what type of volunteering she's doing?

OP you are right on with your thinking. Your wife can't control what this man does but she can certainly control what she does. She should've got out of the spa when he got in naked. End of story. Then to have it happen the very next day?

Then to have your wife describe his junk that way? Come on. For her to Then try to spin it that you have "jealousy issues". GET OUT OF HERE WITH THIS B.S.
They aren't married just dating.
 

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They aren't married just dating.
they are living together as husband and wife with all the advantages of husband and wife
all that is missing is the ring and the cake
dating is when you live on your own and he in his place and you take each other out for dinner , once you move in your making a statement to the world this is my man keep off and the other way around

don't live together if you want to sleep around unless both are ok with swinging and open relationships
we are excepting to any type relationship as long as that is what both want and agree to any thing other to what is agreed to is cheating as much as if they had a rev or town hall join them ,

a marriage is made up of to people that love each other and want to share that love having a ring is no proof of love
No one knows better than us here that this is true we see to many here that
think because they have a ring or jumped over a brume that the other is going to respect that ,

to often people cheat on their wedding day , we only see reports of the celebrities
well jack and jill are no better
spending 50k on a dress that lasts a day it is what is behind the expence that makes the marriage ,

to this man he is feeling as hurt and will have the same talk to his woman when she gets back from England as if they had a ring
 
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I used to live 5 mins away from this place. If I still lived there I would have gone private detective Mode for you. How much longer is she there for?

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he said 2 weeks is all one this week

any idea is it normal for people to be nude there as she said about the older guy ?
JUST ask as she might be doing an unjustness to the place if painting it in a way that is not true
 
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they are living together as husband and wife with all the advantages of husband and wife
all that is missing is the ring and the cake
dating is when you live on your own and he in his place and you take each other out for dinner , once you move in your making a statement to the world this is my man keep off and the other way around

don't live together if you want to sleep around unless both are ok with swinging and open relationships
we are excepting to any type relationship as long as that is what both want and agree to any thing other to what is agreed to is cheating as much as if they had a rev or town hall join them ,

a marriage is made up of to people that love each other and want to share that love having a ring is no proof of love
No one knows better than us here that this is true we see to many here that
think because they have a ring or jumped over a brume that the other is going to respect that ,

to often people cheat on their wedding day , we only see reports of the celebrities
well jack and jill are no better
spending 50k on a dress that lasts a day it is what is behind the expence that makes the marriage ,

to this man he is feeling as hurt and will have the same talk to his woman when she gets back from England as if they had a ring
Pretty sure he said they aren't living together. Just dating.
 

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Pretty sure he said they aren't living together. Just dating.
Sidenote, I’m sometimes confused on this site when people use the term dating.

I have always understood the term dating to mean a casual, non-committed relationship that may or may not become serious at some point.

It seems some folks use the term dating to describe a relationship that is serious and committed, but not engaged or cohabiting.
 
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