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Premium Member
1,997 Posts
Don't you want a wife who loves and adores you, and only you? I love my husband SO much, for me to treat him with such disdain and contempt is unthinkable.
I can say from my experience, that it is easy to lose track of what most would consider normal expectations for a relationship (as described by @frusdil there), and come to feel all one deserves is crumbs.

OP, keep expectations for relationships in your life high. Don’t let the mind **** this is wear you down.

6,598 Posts
If they have work contact (work together 8 hours a day) you’re fighting a losing battle. You have zero control or insight into a workplace affair.

See what is versus what you want to see.

Premium Member
2,048 Posts
You have been together 7 years and have two kids. The shiny magic has worn off and for her she wanted more even though engaged to you. She is in limerence (read about it) with new affair partner. This is a choice she made. So she cheats, lies, disrespects you and tells you she cares so much about him that she can't stop caring for him--again her choice. There was a longtime build-up to her actions.

IMO: your biggest problem is her lack of integrity and character. Clearly, she wants not you, but something else/someone else. So in a few years this will happen again. What kind of example will you be setting for your kids if you accept her inability to be faithful?

You want what you thought she was, but now that you know the truth do you really want this person? Never stay in a relationship 'for the kids.' Kids deserve better than that.

Premium Member
11,980 Posts
Many of us…
Many of us have more than one facet to their personality.
I am known to have many.

Your fiancée, the mother of your children has two personalities, which I espy.

And now, I do so decry.

The main person in her is proper and staid, is a mother and your, yet, unmarried companion.

She wants to marry you and take the unsettled, your seven year union, to that Justice, that is Peace, forever after.

The other side of her is not really happy with her lot in life.
She does not want to be married.
She wants to be that free and young girl, getting all those thrills that she passed over while living and bearing children with Thou.

Her subconscious mind wants what it wants. And sadly, it does want to be your wife.
She is telling the absolute truth. She is NOT a liar.
One part of her wants to get married, the other side wants to experience more love and intimacy with other men.
Ah, yes, tis’ more than one man, this lass desires.

A man or a lady must marry the whole package that is a person. If you marry her, one half will be good and loyal, the other half will be unsatisfied and always looking for more.

Keep in mind, it is her subconscious mind that is pushing herself away from you and the thought of being married.

The other half, the lusty half has her by her short-hairs. No amount of shaving down there will loose its grip on her hungry-for-love, that spot, that plot, seeking adventure.

Oh, tis Fate, pulling her away from you.

The bigger picture {Fate} is removing her from your life and taking her snapshot for other men to view and enjoy.

It is apparent, you are not the Heir Apparent of this gal’s fate.

Life has other things in store for her and for you.

Believe this, and let her be, let her go.

You cannot hold, half a woman close.

As in, holding one arm, one leg, one boob, the lower lip, half her mons, while the other ‘she’ gives that half to some other feller to have and to hold.


Argue with Fate at your peril, Thou will always lose.

Yes, at some means, and in the end, you will be further bruised and abused.

Fighting against that which you cannot own.

Winning a battle, or two is not winning the war.

Aye, some can hold off Fate, none can do so without pain, sorrow and scarring, taking its due.


1,084 Posts
I understand everyone saying I should just leave, but there is so much at stake here. I don't want to just give up on out family that easily. Sadly tho its dawning thats what I need to do, for myself.
I'm literally in the process of ordering beds for my kids so they can stop with me at my brothers house. In the mean time I have been going to home to help bath them and put them to bed which makes it difficult to have a ' clean break' from her.
This is going to be a long old road to recovery for me from here, I'm sad that the whole life we had planned togethr has been lost so quickly.
To help you resolve your conflict, I would suggest that you look at other threads in this forum and see how things evolved for other people. I think you would learn that your relationship has no future in her current state, and you should get out. That is universally the experience of other posters. The advice you are getting here is not just a spontaneous opinion of the poster, for the most part. These responses reflect either personal experience, or the wisdom gained from seeing this play out over and over again.

Your situation is not unique. It's actually very common. Take a look at other posters, focusing on the "Coping with Infidelity" section, which has most of these types of posts. You will learn what you have to do based on others' experiences.

1,084 Posts
Sorry what does the term 'rugsweeping' mean?

She says she doesn't want a relationship with this man? I don't think she knows what she wants.
It means covering up the problem instead of really dealing with it. It comes from the stereotype of someone who sweeps the dirt under the rug to get it out of sight instead of using a dustpan to collect and remove it. The floor superficially looks clean because you can't see the dirt hidden under the rug, but the dirt is still there.

1,084 Posts
Thanks for the response.
I have tried to do this on several occasions already, she says that she really wants to forget about him and at one point she rang him in front of me and said not to contact her gain.
Today she told me that she knows thats what she needs to do, but whilst she is feeling like she is, even if she says that to him then she will still want him. She said she's working on it.
I feel its cruel on me to just keep me waiting.

At some point, I need to just say to her. Enough is enough I'm not waiting around until youve made your mind up.

I have kind of done that already by moving out, I was hoping that me not being there and her not hving the kids for half the time might have helped reality set in.
Think of what you would tell a friend in this situation.

You deserve more than this. You were engaged to marry her. This is not the behavior of a woman who is willing to commit to ONE man.

There are over 7 billion people on this planet. That means there are billions of women to choose from. Do you think your former fiancé is so special that no one else could replace or exceed her? Of course not! What makes a relationship special and makes a person the appropriate mate is that feeling and dedication and love they have for each other.

Does she have that love for you---REALLY? Does she think you're the best man in the world for her, the one that is perfect for her? Is her mind occupied with thoughts of you, and are her desires focused on you? The answer to all these questions is a resounding NO!

If the answer to the above questions was yes, then she wouldn't give two thoughts about this other dude.

You deserve someone who DOES feel that you're the best. Someone that DOES love you above all others. Someone that DOES have their mind occupied by thoughts of you, and their desires focused on you.

You deserve better. What's more, better is out there. There are billions of other women on this planet. Your former fiancé is nothing special. She can be fact, she SHOULD be replaced. She's much lower than you thought, because if she was as good as you thought, you wouldn't be in this situation.

Move on. What's more, give yourself the STRENGTH to move on, by convincing yourself that you deserve better.

65 Posts
I have been with my partner for 7 years.
We have 2 young children together and were due to get married in 6 months.
Tell her if she want your kids to lose 50% of the time with you as parents.
Want them shipped as packets back and forth between you.
Want them to hate her later on then they find out the real reason for the breakup.
Thank her for destroying the family and the kids future.

She told me 2 weeks ago she had kissed a work college during a work night out.
They then exchanged text messages for a week or so and she started to develop feelings for him.
She then arranged to meet him to put a stop to it and ended up kissing him again.
Out him to his family as a bad person.

She told me about it all (I didn't catch her) and she was very regretful.
She went around to my mum and sisters houses and apologies profusely.
Self preservation mode kicked in.

I have also cancelled the wedding and most of the guests know what she has done.
Good, shows strength.

She insists she doesn't ant to be with this guy and she really misses his friendship.
She says shes got feelings for him and she doesn't know what to do with them.
I keep telling her shes got to just block him out of her life,
but shes not willing to do that but shes trying to figure it out and get over them.
Stop talking to her until she comes and ask you why.
Tell her: "How will you feel if you lost me? Will you accept that and go to him then?"

I've said that as long as you are till in contact with this man then we are not going to work.
He's a young guy who just wants 1 thing. No way will he stick about and look after her.
Out him to his parents and family and friends.
And yes, he will dump her if she becomes a burden for him.

Am I being a total doormat here?
Be firm, cold and decisive.
No kisses, no hugs, no love and no sex.
Go 180 on her.
Make her feel and think she looses you.

Should I just leave her?
If I do I know she will just go running to him
and if they sleep together there will be no way back for us after that.
Put a brutal ultimatum on her.
Tell her what for each time she messes up she loses her value for you and
you are going to find another woman who actually can be faithful.
Tell her she does not deserve you and she should just let you
go so you can be happy with another and better woman.
Tell her you are not plan B and she has chosen him enough,
and you will soon start choose another woman instead of her.

6 Posts

I've basically just gone through the same thing with my wife, luckily we hadnt got to the stage of having children even though we'd tried.
We split 4 weeks ago because she wouldnt choose between me and another woman, she insisted nothing was going on but it was definitely an emotional affair.
I'll admit it really does hurt and you do have good days and bad days but all the proof you need is when your other half still hasnt cut this bit on the side off even after you've split because it shows your still second best.
Sorry xx

26 Posts
I wanted some impartial advice on my situation.
I have been with my partner for 7 years. We have 2 young children together and were due to get married in 6 months.
Hello: Sorry to read about your struggle.
I am from a broken home so my first reaction is: do whatever is BEST for your dependent, defenseless children! If you look at this thru you kid's eyes, it will become crystal clear what needs to be done FOR THE SAKE OF your helpless, dependent kids. At this stage of the relationship, I don't see getting married as a useful option since that won't magically make things ok or right for your kids. So long as there is bad communication and distrust between you and your partner, there will be unreasonable stress on and damage to your dependent kids - even if you cannot or will not see this.
I still love her and I desperately want to keep our family together for our kids.
Based on my experience with two unloving parents, I'd say keeping the family together, without fixing the problems, will only DAMAGE your kids further. Having two unhappy, hostile parents is WAY WORSE than having just one parent. Us kids fared way better after our unhappy dad left all of us!!!!
Am I being a total doormat here? Should I just leave her? If I do I know she will just go running to him and if they sleep together there will be no way back for us after that. I have family to talk to but I would like some advice from people with no alliances.
Thanks in advance..
FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN, I suggest marriage counseling for starters. Keep in mind the mental/emotional health of your DEPENDENT kids and then you will know exactly what to do FOR THEM. I deeply regret that my parents never saw how they were damaging us kids nor ever looked for any help for their failing, hostile marriage. Please do what's RIGHT for your kids.


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