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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi,

I wanted some impartial advice on my situation.

I have been with my partner for 7 years. We have 2 young children together and were due to get married in 6 months.

She told me 2 weeks ago she had kissed a work college during a work night out. They then exchanged text meaasages for a week or so and she started to develop feelings for him. She then arranged to meet him to put a stop to it and ended up kissing him again.

She told me about it all (I didn't catch her) and she was very regretful. She went around to my mum and sisters houses and apologies profusely.

I struggled to deal with it and gave her a hard time over the following week.

I then caught her messaging him again behind my back.

I insisted that she delete his number, which she did, but then I found his number written down in her coat pocket.

Since then I've moved out and we have been sharing the kids since.

I have also cancelled the wedding and most of the guests know what she has done.

She insists she doesn't ant to be with this guy and she really misses his friendship.

She says shes got feelings for him and she doesn't know what to do with them. I keep telling her shes got to just block him out of her life, but shes not willing to do that but shes trying to figure it out and get over them.

She insists she still loves me but she's really confused and depressed (she has a tendency to get down a lot)

I've said that as long as you are till in contact with this man then we are not going to work. He's a young guy who just wants 1 thing. No way will he stick about and look after her.

I find myself constantly checking her phone and worrying that she is messaging him.

Plus I seem to be the one trying to get over this more than what she is. Surely she should be the one pleading with me to get through this.

I still love her and I desperately want to keep our family together for our kids.

Am I being a total doormat here? Should I just leave her? If I do I know she will just go running to him and if they sleep together there will be no way back for us after that.

I have family to talk to but I would like some advice from people with no alliances.

Thanks in advance..
 

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Hi,

I wanted some impartial advice on my situation.

I have been with my partner for 7 years. We have 2 young children together and were due to get married in 6 months.

She told me 2 weeks ago she had kissed a work college during a work night out. They then exchanged text meaasages for a week or so and she started to develop feelings for him. She then arranged to meet him to put a stop to it and ended up kissing him again.

She told me about it all (I didn't catch her) and she was very regretful. She went around to my mum and sisters houses and apologies profusely.

I struggled to deal with it and gave her a hard time over the following week.

I then caught her messaging him again behind my back.

I insisted that she delete his number, which she did, but then I found his number written down in her coat pocket.

Since then I've moved out and we have been sharing the kids since.

She insists she doesn't ant to be with this guy and she really misses his friendship.

She says shes got feelings for him and she doesn't know what to do with them. I keep telling her shes got to just block him out of her life, but shes not willing to do that but shes trying to figure it out and get over them.

She insists she still loves me but she's really confused and depressed (she has a tendency to get down a lot)

I've said that as long as you are till in contact with this man then we are not going to work. He's a young guy who just wants 1 thing. No way will he stick about and look after her.

I find myself constantly checking her phone and worrying that she is messaging him.

Plus I seem to be the one trying to get over this more than what she is. Surely she should be the one pleading with me to get through this.

I still love her and I desperately want to keep our family together for our kids.

Am I being a total doormat here? Should I just leave her? If I do I know she will just go running to him and if they sleep together there will be no way back for us after that.

I have family to talk to but I would like some advice from people with no alliances.

Thanks in advance..
Your dodging a bullet of marriage, leave and be responsible for your children. You understand marriage isn't a Chasity belt. It's just more to deal with, cut your losses. Make arrangements to provide for your kids. Move on,!
 

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I'm sorry you're here. First, you are not responsible for her decision to become involved with the OM. Every relationship has problems and everyone has personal issues - however, she chose to cheat.

Is the OM married? If so, expose the affair to his spouse or girlfriend or finance. Why? because they are your best ally to break them up.

Were there any warning signs or changes in her behavior prior to her confession? l'm sorry to say this but: it's likely that even though she confessed out of guilt - she's minimizing and withholding details.

Studies of couples that experienced infidelity show that the 'kiss' was the very last boundary that once crossed then the next step is sex. It's likely the second kiss was more than just a kiss.

Basically, she has to choose between you and the OM. There is no middle ground.

The most effective initial response to protect yourself (and save your relationship if that’s what you want) is the same whether you ultimately decide to by R or Break-up. First, in order to be taken seriously they must believe that you are prepared to break up (bluff if necessary). If you offer R immediately, it's viewed as weakness and a free pass to repeat.

Insist on NO CONTACT (NC) with the AP. This is non-negotiable. Change jobs or move to another city if necessary. Every time they see each other or speak the mental affair fantasy continues. Once a friendship has been romanticized or sexualized there must be no further contact.

Insist that she write up a detailed timeline (what, when, where, topics discussed) of her relationship with the OM - subject to a polygraph test. Why? ? First, psychologically writing it all down converts their romantic memories of the affair into the ugly reality of betrayal/infidelity. Second, you can’t forgive or truly grant the gift of R until you know what happened. Third, the prospect of a polygraph saves time.

Do not do the "Pick Me Dance" or cry or beg (or respond to their outrage & counter attacks). It doesn’t work (just the opposite). Experience shows that you’ll be viewed as ‘weak’. In their current state of mind, weakness is interpreted as a free pass to continue the affair.

Both get tested for STDs. This not only protects you but sends a serious message.

Read up on the 180. Stop being her buddy and listening to her problems ... and consider having her sleep on the couch. If your response 'pushes her away', then you've already lost her.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I'm sorry you're here. First, you are not responsible for her decision to become involved with the OM. Every relationship has problems and everyone has personal issues - however, she chose to cheat.

Is the OM married? If so, expose the affair to his spouse or girlfriend or finance. Why? because they are your best ally to break them up.

Were there any warning signs or changes in her behavior prior to her confession? l'm sorry to say this but: it's likely that even though she confessed out of guilt - she's minimizing and withholding details.

Studies of couples that experienced infidelity show that the 'kiss' was the very last boundary that once crossed then the next step is sex. It's likely the second kiss was more than just a kiss.

Basically, she has to choose between you and the OM. There is no middle ground.

The most effective initial response to protect yourself (and save your relationship if that’s what you want) is the same whether you ultimately decide to by R or Break-up. First, in order to be taken seriously they must believe that you are prepared to break up (bluff if necessary). If you offer R immediately, it's viewed as weakness and a free pass to repeat.

Insist on NO CONTACT (NC) with the AP. This is non-negotiable. Change jobs or move to another city if necessary. Every time they see each other or speak the mental affair fantasy continues. Once a friendship has been romanticized or sexualized there must be no further contact.

Insist that she write up a detailed timeline (what, when, where, topics discussed) of her relationship with the OM - subject to a polygraph test. Why? ? First, psychologically writing it all down converts their romantic memories of the affair into the ugly reality of betrayal/infidelity. Second, you can’t forgive or truly grant the gift of R until you know what happened. Third, the prospect of a polygraph saves time.

Do not do the "Pick Me Dance" or cry or beg (or respond to their outrage & counter attacks). It doesn’t work (just the opposite). Experience shows that you’ll be viewed as ‘weak’. In their current state of mind, weakness is interpreted as a free pass to continue the affair.

Both get tested for STDs. This not only protects you but sends a serious message.

Read up on the 180. Stop being her buddy and listening to her problems ... and consider having her sleep on the couch. If your response 'pushes her away', then you've already lost her.




Thanks for your response.

My initial response was to end the relationship, but now I want to try and make it work, its only been a week since I found his number on her.

As it stands we are being friendly mainly for the kids. I have offered to cook for her on Friday, but I feel like a mug for it now.

Shal I just turn up tomorrow and tell her I've had another change of heart and tell her I'm done. I've already done this several times so shes not going to take it seriously if I say it again.

It's torture for me suspecting that shes messaging him whilst im not about.

I think if I was on the outside looking in I'd tell myself to get rid of her. But I love her and I want to make it work, shes never been anything but loyal up until now, if she can shake this thing off we could make it work?

The other man is a young single guy who is a notorious player. I cant believe shes been so stupid to get involved with him.
 

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Then what of the kissing? What a person wants in life is necessary the best thing. But if you do play the pick me dance, you'll become a doormat he and she will wipe their crap on you.
 

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The thing is, she tries to let him go, but then she reverts to contacting him. Behind your back, I may add. Nope. Total transparency is needed here. Thus far, she's talking out both sides of her mouth. If you take her back, you realize you'll have to police her every movement, don't you? Because she's proven she can't be trusted. If it was me, I'd make a clean break and only deal with her henceforth on matters pertaining to the children. But that's just me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. JMO.
 

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Hi,

I wanted some impartial advice on my situation.

I have been with my partner for 7 years. We have 2 young children together and were due to get married in 6 months.

She told me 2 weeks ago she had kissed a work college during a work night out. They then exchanged text meaasages for a week or so and she started to develop feelings for him. She then arranged to meet him to put a stop to it and ended up kissing him again.

She told me about it all (I didn't catch her) and she was very regretful. She went around to my mum and sisters houses and apologies profusely.

I struggled to deal with it and gave her a hard time over the following week.

I then caught her messaging him again behind my back.

I insisted that she delete his number, which she did, but then I found his number written down in her coat pocket.

Since then I've moved out and we have been sharing the kids since.

I have also cancelled the wedding and most of the guests know what she has done.

She insists she doesn't ant to be with this guy and she really misses his friendship.

She says shes got feelings for him and she doesn't know what to do with them. I keep telling her shes got to just block him out of her life, but shes not willing to do that but shes trying to figure it out and get over them.

She insists she still loves me but she's really confused and depressed (she has a tendency to get down a lot)

I've said that as long as you are till in contact with this man then we are not going to work. He's a young guy who just wants 1 thing. No way will he stick about and look after her.

I find myself constantly checking her phone and worrying that she is messaging him.

Plus I seem to be the one trying to get over this more than what she is. Surely she should be the one pleading with me to get through this.

I still love her and I desperately want to keep our family together for our kids.

Am I being a total doormat here? Should I just leave her? If I do I know she will just go running to him and if they sleep together there will be no way back for us after that.

I have family to talk to but I would like some advice from people with no alliances.

Thanks in advance..
I am biased. I am hard core on stuff like this.
She kissed another man. That for me is totally nuclear. She kisses another man....that is a divorce, that is a permanent ending of the relationship. I do not understand how you would even want her back?
Why? She's been with another guy? She has broken that seal that makes you two uniquely a couple. She was literally kissing him while you are at home waiting for her to get home?
How could you stand to ever even look at her again?
Anyway, for you people out there that take back cheaters (people I just can't understand) her QUITTING THIS JOB with him and never seeing or talking to him ever, ever, ever again is the LEAST she could do.
Her even going back to that job for even one day would be 100% deal breaker.

If I understand you, you are not only considering taking her back but you are still just sitting there acting tough as she goes to work every day where this guy is.
Insane.
I just can't get my mind around stuff like this.
 

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She says shes got feelings for him and she doesn't know what to do with them. I keep telling her shes got to just block him out of her life, but shes not willing to do that but shes trying to figure it out and get over them.
Sadly, there's your answer mate. You have nowhere to go but out from here.

Yes, she should be on her hands and knees begging for forgiveness, but she isn't. If she were serious, she would block him from every form of contact and immediately quit her job.

Clean break, tell her the relationship is over and only communicate regarding the children from hereonout.
 

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You love who you thought she was, and who you want her to be. That’s different from who she has been, currently is, and will likely be for some time forward.

Imagine if you had done the same — developed a romantic relationship with someone else in your life. How would you judge what you had done? Are you holding her to the same standard, or are you desperately trying to view what she did to you as not that bad, something she didn’t mean to do, something outside of who she really is?

Full disclosure: I regret rugsweeping after ending my wife’s EA (twice). I’m grateful I’ve had a front row seat watching my kids develop, but the approach we took to dealing with problems in our relationship has poisoned decades of my life. It’s hard to have a good marriage if one partner wishes she could have had a better life, with that other one (or any of several).
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I understand everyone saying I should just leave, but there is so much at stake here. I don't want to just give up on out family that easily. Sadly tho its dawning thats what I need to do, for myself.
I'm literally in the process of ordering beds for my kids so they can stop with me at my brothers house. In the mean time I have been going to home to help bath them and put them to bed which makes it difficult to have a ' clean break' from her.
This is going to be a long old road to recovery for me from here, I'm sad that the whole life we had planned togethr has been lost so quickly.
 

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Sadly, there's your answer mate. You have nowhere to go but out from here.

Yes, she should be on her hands and knees begging for forgiveness, but she isn't. If she were serious, she would block him from every form of contact and immediately quit her job.

Clean break, tell her the relationship is over and only communicate regarding the children from hereonout.
Sorry what does the term 'rugsweeping' mean?

She says she doesn't want a relationship with this man? I don't think she knows what she wants.
 

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Mark, her story makes very little sense to me. Is she extremely immature, or am I missing something? She has been warned that continued pursuit of this other person will be a two pronged disaster, as she will end her relationship with you for all and for good. Secondarily, as you have pointed out, he is not going to stick around for a woman with two kids. I could tell you horror stories. I have told a number here. Bottom line, she is very likely to be on the losing end. This should be made plain to her, in no uncertain terms. You will not be her safety net. Strong language, and stronger action.
 

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Mark, her story makes very little sense to me. Is she extremely immature, or am I missing something? She has been warned that continued pursuit of this other person will be a two pronged disaster, as she will end her relationship with you for all and for good. Secondarily, as you have pointed out, he is not going to stick around for a woman with two kids. I could tell you horror stories. I have told a number here. Bottom line, she is very likely to be on the losing end. This should be made plain to her, in no uncertain terms. You will not be her safety net. Strong language, and stronger action.
Thanks for the response.
I have tried to do this on several occasions already, she says that she really wants to forget about him and at one point she rang him in front of me and said not to contact her gain.
Today she told me that she knows thats what she needs to do, but whilst she is feeling like she is, even if she says that to him then she will still want him. She said she's working on it.
I feel its cruel on me to just keep me waiting.

At some point, I need to just say to her. Enough is enough I'm not waiting around until youve made your mind up.

I have kind of done that already by moving out, I was hoping that me not being there and her not hving the kids for half the time might have helped reality set in.
 

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Do you honestly believe it stopped at kissing? They aren't in Jr. High School. She has chosen him over you multiple times, and even if you were enough of a doormat to stay with her, what kind of example is that setting for your kids. It's not making their life better it's sealing their fate to accept people screwing them over in their future as the status quo.
 

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This is going to be a long old road to recovery for me from here, I'm sad that the whole life we had planned togethr has been lost so quickly.
It hasn’t been lost... SHE threw it away. Remember that. This isn’t your fault and you deserve better. She has shown you who she is by refusing to stop contact with him after she said that she would. So believe her.




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First off, it's more than an EA if she kissed him. Let's just get that out of the way.

Do not downplay this as just an EA and do not trust a word that comes out of her mouth. She has to prove her story and work her ass off to earn your trust back, and quite frankly, it doesn't sound like she is willing to do either of those things - let alone all the other work that would be required. Personally, I am not buying her story. It just doesn't add up.

Two things are very unlikely...

1) That they only kissed and texted, and
2) That it only lasted two weeks.

No sane person is going to throw away their family and upcoming wedding for a two week long texting affair with a couple of kisses thrown in, then have SUCH a hard time breaking it off. That just doesn't happen, but what does happen is trickle truthing (slowly giving you more and more of the story over time). I suspect she will do this. Be prepared to find out that this info is only the tip of the iceberg.

The confessing and owning up to your family sounds good at first but is totally meaningless when she turned around and went right back to loverboy. Do you know what led her to confess? Did someone find out about the affair and threaten to tell you? If she was remorseful she wouldn't be acting the way she is. It doesn't make sense that she would randomly confess, and apologize to your family, then turn around and keep contacting him. So she had all that regret and all those apologies, then she went right back to her two week AP? No.

If she really wanted to be with you, then YOU would be worth more than this so-called "friendship" with loverboy. There is no "I'm working on it". She either wants to be with you or she doesn't. End of story. She either cuts him off RIGHT NOW, or she doesn't. She has NO choice but to go no contact with this guy. If she is unwilling to do that, then you have to be unwilling to even entertain the idea of being with her.

Couples can and do reconcile, but you have to have something to work with. Right now, you don't.

...shes never been anything but loyal up until now...
This part gave me a chuckle. That really is quite irrelevant now, don't you think?
 

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Am I being a total doormat here?
You sure are.

You need to find your self respect. Stop begging her to love you and hanging around hoping she'll suddenly come back to you and begin despising her new boyfriend.

How many times are you going to allow her to disrespect you before you finally show yourself the respect she won't? Every time you foolishly believe her lies and then find out she's still talking to Romeo - and you stay with her after finding out AGAIN - then you're just disrespecting yourself.

And it's time to pull your head out of the sand, OP. This isn't some little 'crush' where they kissed at the malt shop while sharing a milkshake. This is a full blown affair and you need to face that reality.

Lastly, the most likely reason you got her sudden, phony "confession" is likely because someone found out about them and was threatening to tell you, so SHE got to you first with her G-rated fairy-tale version of the story. It's also possible her boyfriend's wife or girlfriend had caught them and was threatening to tell you - which again, necessitated her phony confession. But the truth is, a betrayed spouse RARELY gets a confession borne out of true remorse - and she's a PRIME example of that statement. If she were truly sorry for how she'd hurt you and wanted to confess out of true remorse, she would have told you the TRUTH, and she wouldn't still be chasing the guy!! That, right there, proves exactly what I said - that her confession was anything BUT altruistic.

Stop being a welcome mat for someone who can't even show you the respect that most of show the common dung beetle.
 

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tell her you will not share her with another man. that you are going NC
with her. for you to consider taking her back she will have to leave that
job and go NC with the OM.
 
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