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Discussion Starter #1
I'm confused. I've been with my partner for the past 12 yrs. We had an amazing 5 yrs to ourselves prior to deciding that we were ready to start our own family. During those 5 yrs we did several get aways through out the yrs. Once we were ready to start our family. We had four beautiful children, back to back, older is 6 yrs and youngest is 1yr old. During the past 2.5 yrs I've noticed that he started losing interest. Fast forward to today, he constantly drinks through out the week. He avoids being home. He avoids me and the children. Its like if I became a single mother of 4. We have no communication. I never know what mood he's going to be in. Its crazy. Any idea what can be going on?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I honestly think he might be going through postpartum depression 😔. I've tried talking to him from different point of views but nothing seems to work. I forgot to me tinned that he has gained over 100 lbs within the last yr and a half. His health concerns me. Yet, he does t seem to care about anything. I'm getting tired of this situation. His lack of support, his lack of interest in me as a woman, his lack of interest in our children. I honestly feel like a single mother of 4. When he's under the influence he becomes verbally abusive. I deserve better. My children deserve better. I have considered separating from him. I just don't know how else I can handle this situation. Any advice?
 

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It sounds like he is depressed and medicating with alcohol instead of seeking real treatment. You can encourage him to get help and support him through it, but unfortunately you cannot force it.

One option would be to tell him you are concerned for his wellbeing (leave the marriage issues out of it) and that you would like to book a doctor appointment because it would ease your worries. Then book one right then (you need to take charge) and there and accompany him.

Another option would be to propose marriage counseling. Again, don't blame him. Tell him you want to learn how to best support him and need help. Sometimes doing MC can dip his toes in the water, then the therapist can work on him.

Another option is to be very blunt and tell him that something is wrong and he needs to seek help. Sometimes beating around the bush doesn't work and they need to hear it straight.

Another option is being prepared to divorce. You need to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. You would tell him that he needs to seek help or you will leave, then follow through. He may or may not change, and if he does, it may not stick. If he's consistent for 6-12 months, then the changes are more likely to stick around.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited by Moderator)
It sounds like he is depressed and medicating with alcohol instead of seeking real treatment. You can encourage him to get help and support him through it, but unfortunately you cannot force it.

One option would be to tell him you are concerned for his wellbeing (leave the marriage issues out of it) and that you would like to book a doctor appointment because it would ease your worries. Then book one right then (you need to take charge) and there and accompany him.

Another option would be to propose marriage counseling. Again, don't blame him. Tell him you want to learn how to best support him and need help. Sometimes doing MC can dip his toes in the water, then the therapist can work on him.

Another option is to be very blunt and tell him that something is wrong and he needs to seek help. Sometimes beating around the bush doesn't work and they need to hear it straight.

Another option is being prepared to divorce. You need to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. You would tell him that he needs to seek help or you will leave, then follow through. He may or may not change, and if he does, it may not stick. If he's consistent for 6-12 months, then the changes are more likely to stick around.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I'm very concerned about his health because regardless of everything I love him and I care very much about him. I have expressed my concerns about his health and his risks of getting a stroke, heart attack, etc. I've tried working out with him and he refuses to work out. I've tried going out on walks with the kids. He stated he's not interested. He reported not having any energy to workout.

I've tried scheduling a physical exam for him. He refused to show up to his appointment. I've asked him to go to MC with me for support to strengthen our relationship and work on our problems. He refuses to go. I've asked him to go to therapy without me if he thinks that will help him. He refuses. Yet, I continue to go to therapy.

I've told him straight out all the things that have changed, his behavior, his unacceptable attitude, his relationship with the children and how its affecting their mental health. I've told him that I'm tired or trying to fix this on my own and how I'm running out of patience. I have expressed how I don't feel loved and how if that's the case that's fine, I just need to hear it from him so I can move on. I get it sometimes ppl can stop loving ppl. I don't get anything from him. He doesn't care. It's so annoying.

Right now, I'm at the point where I'm currently working on mentally preparing myself on how to become ready to leave him for good. I need to be emotionally strong. I have to be financially prepared. I know its not going to be easy for me nor my children. This is the stage I'm currently in. I have a lot of mixed emotions. I need to see how I can prepare my children for this without being so traumatic. I would like to have a stable relationship with him for the children. One thing indo know and I have shared with him is that, once I leave I won't be coming back. There won't be another opportunity because right now is the time for that opportunity to repair anything that's broken. Even after knowing this, he continues to act like he doesn't care. I just don't understand him. This is not the person I met 12 yrs ago. This is not the person I was with 3 years ago. It's so sad 😥 it breaks my heart. 💔. I've never cheated on him or anything like that.
 

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At this point, there is nothing else you can do but prepare to leave. I know that's a very hard choice to make. Divorce is never easy, regardless of the cause. It will get easier though.

Try to remember that his actions are not a reflection of you... it's his illness. You have done everything possible to help him and, based on what you said, have been a good partner. Sometimes it's just not enough and I know how helpless that feels. I'm sorry things turned out this way for you.
 

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Discussion Starter #8 (Edited by Moderator)
At this point, there is nothing else you can do but prepare to leave. I know that's a very hard choice to make. Divorce is never easy, regardless of the cause. It will get easier though.

Try to remember that his actions are not a reflection of you... it's his illness. You have done everything possible to help him and, based on what you said, have been a good partner. Sometimes it's just not enough and I know how helpless that feels. I'm sorry things turned out this way for you.
Thank you so much for your support and advice. Yes, unfortunately I feel like there isn't much I can't do at this point. I've been preparing myself to leave for good for the past month or so, and trust me it isn't easy. I always think about my children and the mess that comes with a divorce. It's crazy.

Thank you once again. I do have to remind myself that his actions are not a reflection of me.
 

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You are right that his actions are not a reflection of you.

Having 4 children in 6 years puts a lot of strain on a relationship. It sounds like the two of you spent a lot of quality time together before you started to have children. And it sounds like since then the quality time as fallen to none. When did this start? Was it at about the time that your first child was born? Does he help at all with the children and household chores?

Do you have family and/or friend around you who can give you emotional support?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
We definitely spent a lot of quality time before we had our children. We would go out dancing all the time. Some thing I love doing but we don't ever get to do, due to lack of a babysitter. We would go out on dates. We would have movie nights at home. We would go to bars. We would gamble. Something we both enjoyed.

We would do most of those things up until our first two children. We would take them with us to Vegas or Laughlin. After our third baby, we wouldn't travel as much. I started noticing changes on him after we had our third child. They were mild changes. During the pregnancy of my 4th things started changing drastically. Things went from bad to worse.

He used to help with the children and house chores up until our second child. After our third child, he
stopped helping around the house. After having my fourth child, he doesn't help at all with house chores nor the children. I do it all by myself. I cook, clean the house, take care of the kids, help them with homework, go grocery shopping, take them to appointments, run errands, laundry, I take my pilot for maintenance, etc. I do it all. I haven't gone back to work because I'm out on stress leave. But during the pregnancy of my 4th child I was working and I would do it all because slowly but surely he stopped helping.

I had to pick up the kids from the daycare after work and come home to cook, clean a bit, shower the kids, put them to bed, wash dishes etc because he would go to a bar after work instead of coming back home. He wouldn't get home until 2am sometimes 12am. The next day I would drop off the kids at different daycares and go to work after.

He pretty much lives the life style of a single man. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants. If he's tire he goes to sleep. If he wants to hang out with the guys he goes out to drink. If he wants to play video games he plays video games. He has no interest in interacting with the children. He's selfish.

I'm exhausted all the time.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I don't ever get a break and he doesn't bother asking if I need a break. Even when I'm overwhelmed and I tell hi. To give me a break, he doesn't. It's so frustrating to see how much he has changed for worse. I literally feel like a single mother of 4.

He makes my life harder because he makes a mess at home all the time. And he doesn't bother helping me clean after himself.
 

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Does he have a job? Is he working during the shutdowns?

You say that you are on stress leave? I've never heard of stress leave. Is it sort of like extended sick leave or short term disability? Do you still get a pay check? I'm trying to figure out if he's the sole financial support right now.

Do you have any friends or family near you who can give at least some emotional support at this time? YOu need to start by putting together a support system. With 4 children you need some support.

It seems that at this point you need to focus on yourself and your children. I know that's what you have been doing. But, when I mean is to focus more on what you need. If your husband will not work on your relationship and assume his responsibilities with your chilldren and household, then there is not much you can to fix your marriage.
 

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I don’t think your husband is meant to be the parent of four children. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize beforehand that he prefers the child-free life. If he isn’t interested in changing, you’ll have to decide whether it’s better for you and the children to stay or better to go.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Yes, he continues to work during the shutdown. He is the sole financial support right now. Yes, I'm on extended medical leave without pay. I do count on my friends, some family, and therapist for support.

I've been analyzing the situation for the past few months. I have concluded that most like he won't change and how its best for us to go. I'm just not financially and mentally ready to do it right now.

My goal is to make this move in the near future. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being selfish walking out on him during a time where I feel he's sick and he needs professional help to deal with his health and his drinking.
 

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I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It does seem that he is shutting down and maybe depressed based on the tremendous weight gain. Have you expressed to him you are ready to leave? Have you tried to find time for just you two to spend quality time? I know you say lack of babysitter, but have you kept trying? Quality time is very important. What's the sex life like? While it isn't fair he may just feel like a paycheck.

Did you two mutually agree to 4 children? That is a big stress for two parents and relationships. I am not sure how you handle it all by yourself.

You may though have to prepare to leave as you said. While it will be difficult, you aren't getting much help now. Financially not sure how it will work for you. When you are working do you make enough to raise your kids. He will be required to send child support and he may find he has a lot less money for drinking and such but then you will be paying mortgage and such.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
He originally wanted 4 children. I only wanted 3. We eneded up having 4 after all.

I haven't put much effort into spending quality time together because he claims that he dosen't have the energy to want to do anything. Which is confusing because if he gets a call from his friends, he'll get up and leave.

Our sex life was better before.

In terms of the financial situation, I would have to put him on child support because I wouldn't be able to survive on my income alone. Its a tough situation.

Like I told him it took both of us to have our children. Therefore, it takes both of us to raise them. Unfortunately he doesn't see it this way.
 

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Lots of people want children until they have them and realize everything that’s involved with being a parent. Some get over that and some never do. He still may but you need a plan in case he doesn’t.
 

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Yes, I don't think he was aware of all the responsibility that comes with children.
That would be true with the first one. But by 2 or 3 he should be well aware. I guess my question was after the second did you guys talk again and was he still on board for 3 and 4? or were they unplanned (not at the beginning but at the time it happened)
 

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I would say very few people realize beforehand everything that’s involved with being a parent. I certainly didn’t (and once my child was born I quickly changed the number of children I had been planning on having). However, most people do step up to the responsibility. Some can’t or won’t. I don’t think the odds are good that he will so you need to have a plan for the future.
 
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