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My philosophy is the numbers -- whether high or low -- make everybody crazy. So never share the exact #.

On the rare occasion when I was younger if somebody had the temerity to ask, I'd change the subject. If pressed, I'd give health details -- no STDs; no high risk behavior, etc.

My standard response was always "I have had enough partner that I know what I'm doing & what I like but no so many that I can't look myself in the mirror." To me that was the end of the discussion. Because anybody who didn't take that as my response & kept pushing for info I was never going to give them, was shown the door out of my life.

So if you have a "high" count however that is defined, own it. You made those decisions. Hopefully nobody forced you. If you were forced, those are different issues. Otherwise your choice was your choice. Maybe you wish you made other choices but now you have learned from the bad choices & they still shape who you are now so hold your head high because you turned out alright or are on your way to alright. If you have a "low" number be happy you made good choices & got it right or if you hate your low number take steps to add to it. Either way, the exact number is nobody's business & you shouldn't be shamed for your choices in either direction.
I'm with you. I've never though any good came out of sharing details.

I don't lie if asked and I certainly share things that are currently relevant but beyond that you have to ask what you want to know. This also helps you avoid sharing things your partner doesn't want to know.

My bf hasn't asked me anything and I don't ask him anything. He knows I've been married twice and have 2 kids and I know he's never been married and has no kids.

What else is relevant? There's nothing shocking about my past.
 

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Why is it different if the answer is always ‘I did that will Bill McSteadyguy’

If it's one person, I would reckon the assumption is that you did have a healthy sex life and did experience a lot of sexual events so there would be an expectation of having done "stuffs" with that one person.

The issue comes with a list people that have done the acts with your partner.

To be perfectly clear - I think this is a minor issue.
I was just pointing out a hypothetical
 
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It's great that your wife is getting this advice from her friend and this is working for your both, but I'm still not sure I see the link between partner count and this ability to be truly open and have fun and explore together.
A person with a low partner count may also be able to have found the same and given the same advise if they have been in a loving and confident relationship which has given them the freedom to also experiment with these things.
The most 'skilled' lover I have been with had a very low partner count. However what he did have was the ability to openly discuss, listen and learn, and help me to feel confident also.
 

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Here's a point that gets missed when there are high body counts, that I rarely see anyone talking.
A kind of indirect consequence.
Depending on how high the count number is, there is a chance you can never have an exclusive moment.
Meaning there is a potentiality any sex act has already happened and you won't have a "special" intimate moment that you can share with your partner.

Not being able to share little intimate moments like that where you have some unique experience to you and your SO can really add a weird feeling of always being runner up.

You can be tough and grind through that, but it can be a bit of a hassle/aggravation, not matter how stoic you are when you can't experience something new with your SO because they have already done that act with someone else.
Or you cant recreate that act with them also. So it is something exclusive to that partner only. You cant whitewash that memory of past partner from their mind.
 

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Here's a point that gets missed when there are high body counts, that I rarely see anyone talking.
A kind of indirect consequence.
Depending on how high the count number is, there is a chance you can never have an exclusive moment.
Meaning there is a potentiality any sex act has already happened and you won't have a "special" intimate moment that you can share with your partner.

Not being able to share little intimate moments like that where you have some unique experience to you and your SO can really add a weird feeling of always being runner up.

You can be tough and grind through that, but it can be a bit of a hassle/aggravation, not matter how stoic you are when you can't experience something new with your SO because they have already done that act with someone else.
That I don't wholly agree with because the unique experience to me is the person. I get your point though.
 

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If it's one person, I would reckon the assumption is that you did have a healthy sex life and did experience a lot of sexual events so there would be an expectation of having done "stuffs" with that one person.

The issue comes with a list people that have done the acts with your partner.

To be perfectly clear - I think this is a minor issue.
I was just pointing out a hypothetical
I was thinking you were referring to different acts with different people, not the same act with multiple people, but you.
 

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Issue i had in past was wife was once mad at me( during her untrusting years after divorce from serial cheater) she for some God forsaken reason thought i was getting chummy with my office clerk. She was my moms age and had kids almost my age.

I had in my mind that wifes # was 1 hubby(been with him since 16) i met her before divorce was finalized in court. She was very anti cheating and pro-loyalty. I figured she may have had someone early teen so count had to be low. I felt i had a prize trophy as i had seen too many loose women.

During one of her bad moments when she thought i had something going on with the lady i saw as an Aunt like figure in my life, she said something in a threatening way that will always be burned in my mind.

We were in her car during our lunch break, She said, "just remember, women can play that game too. When i got divorced i went hog wild" I was stunned and just went numb and could not speak. She said do you want me to take you to your truck and i nodded and she dropped me off.

In that moment i went from thinking i have a prize i am proud of and she just smeared **** all over it. What was worse was later on i started thinking..WTF! we were together before her divorce. So did she just admit to screwing a bunch of guys while we were together?!

That evening when i got home she asked if i wanted her to leave. She said after the look on my face in the car she felt like she had cheated and spent tge rest of the day looking for appartment to move to. She was upset how she felt and saying she did not do anything wrong. I brought up what she said and said we were together when as got divorced.

To clarify she believes the marriage was over when he cheated and she left and filed. Hog wild entailed 2 ONS during the anger and hurt time she felt after before meeting me. It hurt to hear there are 2 more to add to the list. But it was before me so i had to keep telling myself that till it was ok.
 

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I know there is another thread about partner counts and polling folks to see if they talk about this topic openly with significant others. This is NOT that. By coincidence some friends of mine were talking today about partner counts and they wanted to attribute very low partner counts to being very problematic in terms of someone's sexual wellbeing, self confidence, and general sexual understanding for future relationships.

Part of me finds this way of thinking flawed in that promiscuity might be attributed to someone having a fear of commitment which eventually will cause problems in relationships. This conversation did bring about an interesting revelation. For example someone with a low partner count may have not had a chance to develop an accurate model of what is normal and what is not. Lack of this general knowledge can cause severe problems in relationships because someone with a low partner count may A) be willing to accept something very problematic as normal or B) reject something very normal thinking that it is somehow problematic. I honestly can't argue with that.

Also having a higher partner count can also tend to relate to having a much more diverse experience in knowing different ways in which people like to be pleased. This cumulative knowledge learned from multiple partners will very likely benefit a future partner in that the person with a high partner count is very well versed on how to please and be pleased. I honestly say that is likely true as well. Some of my relationships in college were drastically different based on how much experience my partner had. Some would surprise me with doing something that I had no idea I would like, while other were rough around the edges and awkward about trying to do things.

What I would like to ask is that for those that have had a lot of partners, how would you try and help someone with a low partner count have a better understanding of themselves? It is a hard question to answer in my opinion. For example I have only ever been with women, so I am completely unable to advise a woman what it is like to have the knowledge of having been with a lot of men.

I've known some female posters here on TAM to get really upset at men that come from a point of view of being a one-woman experience and then trying to judge and help other women based on that experience with just one woman. Add to that complexity that the man giving advice has no idea what it is like to be a woman that has been with a lot of men.

That fascinates me!
I don’t believe a number of things mentioned here.

I don’t think numbers mean squat in terms of sexual skills or sexual chemistry between individuals.

I don’t think someone with a higher count will necessarily be one iota “better” than someone with a low/no count.

I don’t think there is some magical or mysterious force to pleasing someone that you need to screw numerous other people to learn.

I’m a faster learner, if someone can tell me/show me what they like and give me a few minutes with a little feedback and I will please them, I don’t need to be with dozens of other people to figure it out.

Likewise, if someone gives me 10 minutes I can teach them the things I like.

I also do not believe in fear of commitment. They either do not want to commit, or they don’t want to commit to you.... I don’t believe any of it is fear based.

Now that being said, I don’t believe in marrying young or committing to the first person that gives you the time of day.

I think commitment/marriage/family etc need to be adult decisions being made by mature adults that are educated, have the means to fully support themselves and have the life experience to know the difference between shyte from shinola.

But one doesn’t necessarily need to screw half the town to do that.
 

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I can only speak from my circle of friends. All of them had a lot of sex partners over the single years except one. They have all had approx. 30-year marriages. One who had mental illness (bipolar and narcissistic) definitely cheated near the end of her poor husband's life. He'd been bedbound for years. I can't put myself in her shoes, but I sure didn't want to hear about it and broke off with her. She was extremely high social and high sex drive, much of it driven by the bipolar. I found out one of my old friend/boyfriends took part in a swinger's club with his wife and they're still married. Glad I dodged that bullet. One of them I didn't keep up with but is still married at least. Another is still married and not ever cheating.
 

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I don’t think numbers mean squat in terms of sexual skills or sexual chemistry between individuals.

I don’t think someone with a higher count will necessarily be one iota “better” than someone with a low/no count.

I don’t think there is some magical or mysterious force to pleasing someone that you need to screw numerous other people to learn.

I’m a faster learner, if someone can tell me/show me what they like and give me a few minutes with a little feedback and I will please them, I don’t need to be with dozens of other people to figure it out.

Likewise, if someone gives me 10 minutes I can teach them the things I like.
^^ Preach. I have found all of this to be true in my little corner of the universe as well.
 

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My question is originally about the notion of knowing how to solve problems in a long term relationship and how the dynamics of partner counts will impact that.

For example based on my previous experience with women before finding the person I wanted to marry, I knew exactly what I wanted. Some of my previous partners had been bisexual and into threesomes and others somewhat the party goer type that enjoyed recreational relationships. In other words I have no fears of missing out as I had my fun and those forms of sex do not interest me in comparison to what is achieved sexually within the context of a loving marriage despite challenges (which I actually enjoy working on those challenges). I guess as you say that relates to me discovering and knowing my sexuality which could not have been achieved (in my opinion) without having had some diverse experiences with different people.

The interesting dynamic that fascinates me is more about how that experience translates into problem solving in long term relationships. My wife grew up in a rather conservative culture and did not grow up with the same sexual liberties that I got to experience. She did however encounter one of her friends that she grew up with that ended up taking a much different path in life that has had a rather high partner count. Her friend's current sentiments are basically the same as mine, but from a female perspective and the advice she offered to my wife is rather revolutionary and profound regarding female sexual self confidence. I came to the conclusion that as someone confident in myself, that my ability to help my wife with her confidence is rather limited. Her being coached from another female (with a lot of experiences with different men) on how to be confident as a female is advice and perspectives that I could never offer.

Lingerie for example. As a man I know what lingerie I would like for my wife to wear. My wife often asks me to buy lingerie for her. Her female friend however said that lingerie does not work that way with regards to being self confident. She suggested that my wife find lingerie that SHE likes to wear and use that to make herself feel good about herself. Her friend suggested that most men want to be surprised by lingerie and that this dynamic only serves to empower a female to chose lingerie for herself as opposed to having your partner suggest it for you. Her friend also suggested wearing lingerie is an empowering thing for a women to do only for herself, knowing that her partner may not ever see it being worn beneath a casual outfit. The reasoning behind this is that as a woman that you want to feel enjoy feeling sexually empowered and knowing that if a moment presents itself to be intimate with your partner that you are ready to surprise him.

It is like holy ^%#%, I have always been working to help my wife on her self confidence but these are perspectives that I would never fathom in terms of what helps a woman feel sexually confident about herself. In no universe could I ever tell my wife that she needs to learn how to enjoy wearing and choosing her own lingerie for my enjoyment! It takes another female to describe the female perspective and say THIS is how that works and how you will feel good about being you as it relates to the dynamics of well-generalized male pleasure in very accurate context!

I feel like I owe this friend of my wife's a huge thank you! It has been culturally-specific sexual therapy about how to be confident, and my wife has really been embracing these ideas in our marriage.

By contrast she has a female friend from her culture that has a long term partner with very limited past experience. This friend of hers basically pulls out the bible for giving relationship advice. Unfortunately I do not think the bible really teaches women about the idea of being sexually self confident from the perspective of the story being told by a woman. Someone needs to dig that chapter up out of the desert as I think it was lost.
Song of songs is very erotic.
Marriage advise from the Bible is great.
 

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My BF and I know each other’s count. We are fine with it. I would never say I had done something specific with someone else and neither would he…but, when something new comes up we tell each other. We love that there are things that are “ours.” It just makes those moments more special…doesn’t even need to be anything big…we went camping last year and neither of us had ever had sex in a tent before…now that’s ours. We have built up quite a collection of “ours” I love that.

it’s all how you look at it in my opinion.
 

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i think a lot depends more on the two people and their morale code and how they get past the idea of their over having had sex before,
many people let the idea of their lover having had better sex with an ex or in this case exs many of them ,
and if they are as good in bed as his or her past lovers

alot of this comes down to up bringing , self esteem , religion, and even culture on both sides .
one can have developed a low self image and can't deal with the others history ,

love is a grate thing as it can find ways around what normally we would not except , like example when you are looking for a person to spend the rest of your life with
you have an idea of what this person would be like , for people that looks are important fall in love but after years go by the other person puts on weight or has an accident true love
holds the couple together and one can look past the change in the lover

partner count can have a positive or negative effect on people if we look on the people that have a history of been in relationships with others in there life time , if they take away what they have learned and some posters show in their posts that they have grown by and from their life time experiences, others show they have been hurt ,by theirs

same with people with no or little experience with relationships some are poor to relate to others and make mistakes as there is no school there to teach us how to deal with living and charing our life with others ,

so I say it all comes down to the 2 people in the couple their experiences their openness and sometimes the risk of opening up to others ,
because to love someone takes trust in placing your most privet part of your life history hopes and many other things ,

the only difference is people with high counts can often hold back in case of getting let down or hurt
 

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I know this thread is t talking about that specifically, but even in terms of skill and knowledge, which is better? 1000 times with 10 people or 1000 times with 1?
Math: 1,000 times with 10 = 10,000 times. :p IMO, 1000 times with anyone must be good, otherwise why keep doing it? With 10 different people at that frequency (or even "just" 100 times with each), is probably better in terms of learning new skills and gaining knowledge, adds variety, plus it would require adaptability as each partner is going to be different in their needs and what works for them.

I've sometimes learned something new and useful in just one encounter. On the other hand, 1000 times with 1 person can get routine and somewhat boring if both don't make an effort to try new things.

In 21 years, we've probably had sex close to 10,000 times (heavier weighting in the earlier years, of course). It can get routine for a while, but then we make an effort to change things up; this has always been successful. We both had about 10 or so partners prior to meeting, which included one long term relationship each. We've both been with partners who had a low - or high - count. Sometimes both categories lack confidence and/or skill! The fun ones are open to trying and learning new things, whatever their partner count. Some partners have had no interest in learning what we like, and are set in their ways; they'd do best with someone like themselves.
 
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I've been getting a good giggle out of the recent partner count threads and the lower is somehow better opinions and the "damage" a higher count is/does. IMO partner count is not remotely related to quality of sex or relationship. Quality comes from the chemistry and attitude and being in sink with one another. But what do I know - I am beyond hope of being a good partner/person to it appears most (maybe all) on TAM - which makes me smile and figure a few more won't matter so what the hell - I'm going for it :) It's not like I know my count anyway... so nothing to keep track of or some sort of imaginary milestone to beat or stay under ! lol.

I will say it perplexes me anyone would ask a potential partner or care - if the intense magnetism is there and you dig someone what else matters ?
 

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Math: 1,000 times with 10 = 10,000 times. :p IMO, 1000 times with anyone must be good, otherwise why keep doing it? With 10 different people at that frequency (or even "just" 100 times with each), is probably better in terms of learning new skills and gaining knowledge, adds variety, plus it would require adaptability as each partner is going to be different in their needs and what works for them.

I've sometimes learned something new and useful in just one encounter. On the other hand, 1000 times with 1 person can get routine and somewhat boring if both don't make an effort to try new things.

In 21 years, we've probably had sex close to 10,000 times (heavier weighting in the earlier years, of course). It can get routine for a while, but then we make an effort to change things up; this has always been successful. We both had about 10 or so partners prior to meeting, which included one long term relationship each. We've both been with partners who had a low - or high - count. Sometimes both categories lack confidence and/or skill! The fun ones are open to trying and learning new things, whatever their partner count. Some partners have had no interest in learning what we like, and are set in their ways; they'd do best with someone like themselves.
10000 x by on av 30 min each time that is 208 h , you need an oil change
 

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10000 x by on av 30 min each time that is 208 h , you need an oil change
Average 30 minutes??? I need to go to France....Google says that vaginal sex typically lasts three to seven minutes, according to a 2005 Society for Sex Therapy and Research.
 
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