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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I know there is another thread about partner counts and polling folks to see if they talk about this topic openly with significant others. This is NOT that. By coincidence some friends of mine were talking today about partner counts and they wanted to attribute very low partner counts to being very problematic in terms of someone's sexual wellbeing, self confidence, and general sexual understanding for future relationships.

Part of me finds this way of thinking flawed in that promiscuity might be attributed to someone having a fear of commitment which eventually will cause problems in relationships. This conversation did bring about an interesting revelation. For example someone with a low partner count may have not had a chance to develop an accurate model of what is normal and what is not. Lack of this general knowledge can cause severe problems in relationships because someone with a low partner count may A) be willing to accept something very problematic as normal or B) reject something very normal thinking that it is somehow problematic. I honestly can't argue with that.

Also having a higher partner count can also tend to relate to having a much more diverse experience in knowing different ways in which people like to be pleased. This cumulative knowledge learned from multiple partners will very likely benefit a future partner in that the person with a high partner count is very well versed on how to please and be pleased. I honestly say that is likely true as well. Some of my relationships in college were drastically different based on how much experience my partner had. Some would surprise me with doing something that I had no idea I would like, while other were rough around the edges and awkward about trying to do things.

What I would like to ask is that for those that have had a lot of partners, how would you try and help someone with a low partner count have a better understanding of themselves? It is a hard question to answer in my opinion. For example I have only ever been with women, so I am completely unable to advise a woman what it is like to have the knowledge of having been with a lot of men.

I've known some female posters here on TAM to get really upset at men that come from a point of view of being a one-woman experience and then trying to judge and help other women based on that experience with just one woman. Add to that complexity that the man giving advice has no idea what it is like to be a woman that has been with a lot of men.

That fascinates me!
 

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My philosophy is the numbers -- whether high or low -- make everybody crazy. So never share the exact #.

On the rare occasion when I was younger if somebody had the temerity to ask, I'd change the subject. If pressed, I'd give health details -- no STDs; no high risk behavior, etc.

My standard response was always "I have had enough partner that I know what I'm doing & what I like but no so many that I can't look myself in the mirror." To me that was the end of the discussion. Because anybody who didn't take that as my response & kept pushing for info I was never going to give them, was shown the door out of my life.

So if you have a "high" count however that is defined, own it. You made those decisions. Hopefully nobody forced you. If you were forced, those are different issues. Otherwise your choice was your choice. Maybe you wish you made other choices but now you have learned from the bad choices & they still shape who you are now so hold your head high because you turned out alright or are on your way to alright. If you have a "low" number be happy you made good choices & got it right or if you hate your low number take steps to add to it. Either way, the exact number is nobody's business & you shouldn't be shamed for your choices in either direction.
 

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I don't think partner count necessarily equates to skill, quality, or whether one has really embraced their own sexuality. Basically I think there can be flip-side arguments consistently with this topic.
 

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What I would like to ask is that for those that have had a lot of partners, how would you try and help someone with a low partner count have a better understanding of themselves?
Why would the low partner count need to have a better understanding of themselves?

From personal experience, having listened to friends who have shared in a lot more different partners than I have; although not necessarily more or better sex, for lack of better words; some have acknowledged their own reservations, lack of creativity or interest, and/or inexperience with certain aspects of sex and their own sexuality. That's not the case for all... just providing a different view.
 

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I don't think partner count necessarily equates to skill, quality, or whether one has really embraced their own sexuality. Basically I think there can be flip-side arguments consistently with this topic.
I’m going to agree with this. Having a low partner count does not mean lack of skills or not having embraced their own sexuality.
 

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With one partner, one may have certainly had sex 100 times. That equates in a different way but is an eye opener to the persons having sex.

One learns, appreciates, etc.
This is an interesting thought. Today is my 26th anniversary, and when I look back at my marriage, we have had sex 5-6 thousand times. Just an estimate based on years and frequency.

Does that mean my wife cannot pair bond now? Is it only sex with different people that counts? If so, why?

I know this thread is t talking about that specifically, but even in terms of skill and knowledge, which is better? 1000 times with 10 people or 1000 times with 1?
 

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I did some math as well spanning our 38 yrs of M, and the sheer number of times is pretty amazing and encouraging. Like over 7000 times roughly.

The past few years with empty nest, even the last few months it's amazing that I and W still rondevue average 6 times a week.
 

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I don't think partner count necessarily equates to skill, quality, or whether one has really embraced their own sexuality. Basically I think there can be flip-side arguments consistently with this topic.
I completely agree. Lots of casual sex is no guarantee of good sex. In fact people who have lots of casual sex can be very selfish lovers as they don't care about those they sleep with and have no feelings for them.
 

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This is an interesting thought. Today is my 26th anniversary, and when I look back at my marriage, we have had sex 5-6 thousand times. Just an estimate based on years and frequency.

Does that mean my wife cannot pair bond now? Is it only sex with different people that counts? If so, why?

I know this thread is t talking about that specifically, but even in terms of skill and knowledge, which is better? 1000 times with 10 people or 1000 times with 1?
1000 times with 1.
 

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With one partner, one may have certainly had sex 100 times. That equates in a different way but is an eye opener to the persons having sex.

One learns, appreciates, etc.
I had a GF that i practically lived with when i was 23 and she was 34 yr old red headed nympho divorcee with a 9yr old. Yeah it was stupid, i was happy to be her race horse she rode into the ground almost nightly, until i realized i was just a sex toy myself she was using. I was a confused boy that would have married that woman. She had her toy box. I used her vibrator on her in a way that she almost lost her mind. Trying to regain her composure afterward, she gasped, "Where did you learn to do that?!" 😁😏 It was actually 1st time i had ever touched a vibrator.

Figured out there were alot of girls that just wanted me for sex and not LTR. Boy was i sick of women and their lack of substance. Yeah there are guys that feel used by girls also.
 

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Here's a point that gets missed when there are high body counts, that I rarely see anyone talking.
A kind of indirect consequence.
Depending on how high the count number is, there is a chance you can never have an exclusive moment.
Meaning there is a potentiality any sex act has already happened and you won't have a "special" intimate moment that you can share with your partner.

Not being able to share little intimate moments like that where you have some unique experience to you and your SO can really add a weird feeling of always being runner up.

You can be tough and grind through that, but it can be a bit of a hassle/aggravation, not matter how stoic you are when you can't experience something new with your SO because they have already done that act with someone else.
 

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I don't think partner count necessarily equates to skill, quality, or whether one has really embraced their own sexuality. Basically I think there can be flip-side arguments consistently with this topic.
I agree with this. Skill and quality come from the bond and connection, not the number of partners or number of times. I don't think a high number necessarily equals an inability to commit. What was learned along the way is far more important to me? If we're not always learning then we're not striving for better every day.
 

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Here's a point that gets missed when there are high body counts, that I rarely see anyone talking.
A kind of indirect consequence.
Depending on how high the count number is, there is a chance you can never have an exclusive moment.
Meaning there is a potentiality any sex act has already happened and you won't have a "special" intimate moment that you can share with your partner.

Not being able to share little intimate moments like that where you have some unique experience to you and your SO can really add a weird feeling of always being runner up.

You can be tough and grind through that, but it can be a bit of a hassle/aggravation, not matter how stoic you are when you can't experience something new with your SO because they have already done that act with someone else.
That can happen when someone is with one person for many, many years as well. There is not much I have not done with my one partner. Nothing I would not have been willing to do with him would I be willing to do with someone else.
 

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That can happen when someone is with one person for many, many years as well. There is not much I have not done with my one partner. Nothing I would not have been willing to do with him would I be willing to do with someone else.
I don't think it's a big of a deal with a long term partner.
I would assume with a long term partner there would be a ton of experimentation.

I think the issue then come from a partner where they respond with, oh I did that with Tom, oh I did that with Richard, Oh I did that with Harry.
 

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I don't think it's a big of a deal with a long term partner.
I would assume with a long term partner there would be a ton of experimentation.

I think the issue then come from a partner where they respond with, oh I did that with Tom, oh I did that with Richard, Oh I did that with Harry.
Yeah that old Tom, **** and Harry thing. 😂
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I don't think partner count necessarily equates to skill, quality, or whether one has really embraced their own sexuality. Basically I think there can be flip-side arguments consistently with this topic.
My question is originally about the notion of knowing how to solve problems in a long term relationship and how the dynamics of partner counts will impact that.

For example based on my previous experience with women before finding the person I wanted to marry, I knew exactly what I wanted. Some of my previous partners had been bisexual and into threesomes and others somewhat the party goer type that enjoyed recreational relationships. In other words I have no fears of missing out as I had my fun and those forms of sex do not interest me in comparison to what is achieved sexually within the context of a loving marriage despite challenges (which I actually enjoy working on those challenges). I guess as you say that relates to me discovering and knowing my sexuality which could not have been achieved (in my opinion) without having had some diverse experiences with different people.

The interesting dynamic that fascinates me is more about how that experience translates into problem solving in long term relationships. My wife grew up in a rather conservative culture and did not grow up with the same sexual liberties that I got to experience. She did however encounter one of her friends that she grew up with that ended up taking a much different path in life that has had a rather high partner count. Her friend's current sentiments are basically the same as mine, but from a female perspective and the advice she offered to my wife is rather revolutionary and profound regarding female sexual self confidence. I came to the conclusion that as someone confident in myself, that my ability to help my wife with her confidence is rather limited. Her being coached from another female (with a lot of experiences with different men) on how to be confident as a female is advice and perspectives that I could never offer.

Lingerie for example. As a man I know what lingerie I would like for my wife to wear. My wife often asks me to buy lingerie for her. Her female friend however said that lingerie does not work that way with regards to being self confident. She suggested that my wife find lingerie that SHE likes to wear and use that to make herself feel good about herself. Her friend suggested that most men want to be surprised by lingerie and that this dynamic only serves to empower a female to chose lingerie for herself as opposed to having your partner suggest it for you. Her friend also suggested wearing lingerie is an empowering thing for a women to do only for herself, knowing that her partner may not ever see it being worn beneath a casual outfit. The reasoning behind this is that as a woman that you want to feel enjoy feeling sexually empowered and knowing that if a moment presents itself to be intimate with your partner that you are ready to surprise him.

It is like holy ^%#%, I have always been working to help my wife on her self confidence but these are perspectives that I would never fathom in terms of what helps a woman feel sexually confident about herself. In no universe could I ever tell my wife that she needs to learn how to enjoy wearing and choosing her own lingerie for my enjoyment! It takes another female to describe the female perspective and say THIS is how that works and how you will feel good about being you as it relates to the dynamics of well-generalized male pleasure in very accurate context!

I feel like I owe this friend of my wife's a huge thank you! It has been culturally-specific sexual therapy about how to be confident, and my wife has really been embracing these ideas in our marriage.

By contrast she has a female friend from her culture that has a long term partner with very limited past experience. This friend of hers basically pulls out the bible for giving relationship advice. Unfortunately I do not think the bible really teaches women about the idea of being sexually self confident from the perspective of the story being told by a woman. Someone needs to dig that chapter up out of the desert as I think it was lost.
 
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