It sounds like she made up with her boyfriend so now she has no interest in you again as per her cycle it seems. You didn't "run back to her" when she was playing nice this last round so she is ticked off so she wants you to feel bad.

 

She cannot afford the house? Are you paying her child support?


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Made this new post since the original kept getting messed up. I'll try to put a link in the old thread if I can figure it out.

Anyways, WW has stopped texting and trying to get back together the past few days. She didn't even call to talk to the kids the last few days they were with me.

Today when I dropped them off to her, she went crazy and said she can't afford the house anymore. And said I should just take the kids because she has no money and can't even afford to drive to work tomorrow (funny though because we had to wait at her house for her to get home from the store 15 miles away).

Awwwww, maybe she shouldn't have wrecked her life and yours.

She threw some bags of my clothes that she had out the door for me to pick up and then was trying to argue with me in front of the kids as I was getting in the car to leave. As I shut the car door to leave, she opened it back up and was arguing still.

Desperation!!!! You were supposed to be lost without her. Poor muffin

She also said she has done nothing but try to be nice and make the divorce easy for me and the kids, and I am wrong for making things difficult.

Really, all you're going is giving her what she wanted. Funny how that works. Be careful what you ask for. You might get it.

Then she called my mom later (who I am currently staying with) and told her all the same stuff. She also told her that she is done and no longer wants me to come home.

Good, maybe she'll shut up now

Then she sent me a long text saying I am mooching off my parents and that they don't really want me here and that she is going to go against the terms of the separation and take the kids and go live with OM since he is a friend and will help her out since I won't.

Hmmm, sounds like he doesnt want the kids.

I told my friend all this earlier, and she said I should call the lawyer tomorrow and try to get full custody. I want to do that but I don't think I can handle them full time on my own. I start a new job in 1 month, that pays a lot more, so I will be able to get my own place and have more options. But with my schedule it will still be hard to get the kids to and from daycare/school.

Make sure you get full CS from her. Cut no slack here

So now I feel pretty down and am worried about the kids and also worried about WW trying to get me to finance her affair once she finds out I have a new job eventually.

The divorce is filed what you make on the new job won't count. Get out of the victim chair and figure it out. Look at this as an opportunity

 

@collin8550,

#1--Rather than thinking about how you "wouldn't be able to handle the kids on your own", change your perspective and look at it like this: what if you and STBXW were happily married and she just died one night. Like...she had a stroke or a heart attack in the night and was just gone? Somehow or another, as their dad, you would work out something such as putting the kids into aftercare or hiring a teenager to come to the house and sit with them until you got home or something. Right? You would make it work somehow!

It's exactly the same now. You are an adult and you made children. Their mother is not very mentally healthy and they need you as much as possible. Figure out a way to make it work.

#2--Even if you went for full custody, you wouldn't be awarded the kids just because she got mad one day and yelled at you and yelled at your parents. Assuming that she was 100% cooperative in the divorce (which she won't be), it would be AFTER temporary orders, mediation, case management hearing, and trial...so a year or more down the road. So I would recommend until then that you take your kids as much and as often as you can. The fact she can't afford the house is not your concern--that is the consequence of choosing adultery over fidelity. She may not have thought of that price, and if she did think of it, she may not have thought you'd make her pay it! But nonetheless, that is NOT your concern. She is a grown woman and she has to figure that out, AND it can't involve her moving the kids in with OM. Now...you may not be able to stop her from moving in with OM if she's bound and determined. But you can prevent the kids...and that will look bad to the judge (that she abandoned her children so she could shack up with AP).

So let her decide for her own life, and you go ahead and start getting ready to probably have the kids more. She's very, VERY likely going to do her best to guilt you into paying for the house "for the kids" or blaming you for not being able to afford it, etc. so you just prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for that attempt, and get ready to be the stable, dependable parent for your children, okay? Will it be ideal to have your kids living at your parents' house? No. Talk about crowded!! But it will be fine and everyone loves each other. That's what counts.

 

Calm down and get out of your own head. Your friend is correct.

Save the text, contact your lawyer and file an emergency custody order.

 

And there it is -- the only reason she ever wanted you to come home is because she can't afford to maintain her lifestyle without you.

She sounds pretty BSC.

Push for custody. Figure out the details afterward.

Lots of single parents out there that make it work.

Document EVERYTHING.

 

What she is saying to you now..... is what she was telling the POSOM last few weeks.

By the 4th.... she will revert back to you, if not sooner. She wants an ATM machine.... whether it

be Collin, POSOM, POSOM #2, POSOM #8 to help pay for the house. With POSOM... if he is even

still in picture.... this is where he runs for the hills. He signed up for tawdry, nasty sex..... NOT

a ready made family to move in with him. Collin.... she has overplayed her hand at the poker

table. You called her hand.... now she is screwed. She is angry, very angry. She is devolving.

Lock your doors at night.... a prowler(ette) possible will arrive. Slim chance you would get FC but....

don't hurt to ask. She doesn't want you back Collin, she even don't want the kids, she is in search

of her savior, Mr. Fixer, Mr. Nice Guy. That is her ONLY priority. Then... she may want to see the

kids more. There is no telling what she will do... she doesn't even know. But to "take the kids,"

get your lawyer involved. She wants to keep the kids from you so you will come home if she

does. It's summertime, school is out until August / September. Danny from the UK has a thread

and his WW did the same thing. You're in the States Collin.... if she pulls the taking the kids,

I would swear out a warrant for kidnapping. Will it work.... who knows. But it may curtail

her agenda. I hate you are in this crazy drama..... and still have what.... eight months of

it to go. I won't lie.... it won't get any better. Well.. until she finds another pogo stick to

bounce on.

 

. I want to do that but I don't think I can handle them full time on my own. I start a new job in 1 month, that pays a lot more, so I will be able to get my own place and have more options. But with my schedule it will still be hard to get the kids to and from daycare/school.

Welcome to the world of SINGLE WORKING MOTHERS. They have to find adequate and affordable daycare, they have to make sure their kids get to where they need to be on time in the morning, they have to make sure they're at their job on time after doing all that, and they have to make sure their children are picked up within the time frame allowed at the end of the day. And lastly, they have to find a way to 'handle them' on a daily basis even though you claim you can't handle them on your own full time. Most mothers don't really have a choice.

I find it amazing that millions of women are expected to do this on a daily basis, and DO do this on a daily basis, yet here you are whining that it's just 'too hard' to do that. Good thing all these working single moms don't have that attitude. And as your wife is working and caring for the kids on a daily basis, she's just one of the many women expected to find a way to get this accomplished.

How nice it must be to have the ability to 'opt' out when it's inconvenient for you.

So now I feel pretty down and am worried about the kids and also worried about WW trying to get me to finance her affair once she finds out I have a new job eventually.

Look, I think cheaters suck. Plain and simple.

However, you haven't mentioned that you have to pay her alimony, so how is it you would supposedly be 'financing' her affair? You're apparently not financing anything since she can barely afford to keep the house. And if you go for 50/50 custody to avoid paying child support, you'll need to re-think your stance about how 'hard' it is to coordinate getting your kids to school and daycare and getting them at the end of the day on time. And if you don't go for shared custody and she's the primary custodial parent, you'll be paying CHILD SUPPORT to support your children, not to "finance her affair." Food, clothing, a roof over their heads, hot water, electricity, clean sheets to sleep on, medical needs, a well maintained and safe vehicle to take them wherever they need to go, school supplies, money for school trips, hobby costs, dental visits, Christmas and Birthday presents don't all just happen by magic. They cost MONEY and a lot of it. And let me tell you, the custodial parent always ends up paying WAY more than the one paying child support, and they work MUCH harder at raising the kids that the non-custodial parent.

You're not 'financing' anyone's affair if you're referring to child support payments. You're simply paying a small share toward what it really costs to raise your kids.

 

However, you haven't mentioned that you have to pay her alimony, so how is it you would supposedly be 'financing' her affair?

He is trying PCees. What he really means is that he doesn't want to pay for something he ain't getting (and somebody else is) PC is usually inconstant with reality and oftentimes science.

 

If you want to keep some custody of your kids you need to buck up and make it work somehow with your new job. I'm kind of in agreement with everyone else here: quit whining about things and try to look at the positives.

 

There isn't an employer on the planet that won't work with you on dealing with kids as a single parent.

 

Your wife chose to "opt out" of the marriage and then "opt out" of reconciliation. You wanted to reconcile and she didn't until, things became untenable as a CHOICE making MARRIED mother. All problems DIRECTLY related to her affair.

Look dude, you do get to complain how hard it will be because she blew up the marriage. You do get to fret because the entire dynamic changed. You do get to worry and complain about daycare and a myriad of other things. Yes, you do get to talk about financing the affair. It is new to you and it is something those "millions of moms" complained about when they were suddenly thrust into single parenthood or by choice. You do get to worry about the millions of things single mothers AND FATHERS do everyday, because you are going to join this group when this divorce is official. Technically you are one now, but once finances, property and custody is court mandated you will truly be a single father. Make sure you grasp, these people didn't suddenly and magically wake up and say "Hey, I'm a single father yeahhh i know what to do no complaints or stress."

 

Why did the cheater get to stay in the house?? Stop letting her browbeat you the way she does, grow a backbone. She doesn't get to complain about the divorce because SHE is the one who caused it. Remember that, and I suggest that you get good and pissed off about this entire fiasco!

 

It would behooves old Collin to keep in mind that a woman don't have to dig you to allow you to hang around and pay her bills.

 

And said I should just take the kids because she has no money and can't even afford to drive to work tomorrow

Assuming that your wife is a POS and you are a good father then use her fog and anger to get as much custody of your children as you can... Your children are the biggest prize in this divorce....You have already lost your wife.....Get your attorney to help you use her fog so that you can get legal custody.

 

You can ignore the parts of the "advice" that touts only one gender as being responsible for childcare after a divorce. That's expression of someone's own issues.

The part to take to heart is the idea of getting day care in place. It's not so hard to do if you're a task-oriented guy.

I had a before-school day care lady that I'd drop the kids off at at 6:30 am. She would take them to school after feeding them. The after school care place had a shuttle bus pick them up at school. I would retrieve them after work about 6 pm.

Was it ideal? Of course not! Was it expensive? You better believe it. Was it worth it? Yes.

Was it better than leaving them with my awful ex-wife? Of course! And she didn't want to watch them all day either. She preferred her freedom to go ***** herself in the day.

So your job starts in a month. Get started NOW on putting the day care in place.

 

Pushing for full custody seems the right thing to do here. Document all of this conversation you had with her and all you have with her going forward, definitely the part where she wants you to continue to take the kids. Her reasons for that are immaterial since you are giving her money. I would also think about putting a VAR in the car so you can capture all of the luscious comments she spews. It may be hard getting full custody but since she doesn't seem she wants custody the female biased court system may decide to grant it to you.

 

The first official child custody arrangement sticks unless there is a huge change in agendas.

Judges don't want to hear the same case every six months... it makes them earn their paycheck, cuts into

their time at the golf course, and cuts into their drinking time. If the opportunity arises, cease it.

Yes it will be tiresome, limits your time but it is temporary. Kids are resilient as #$^^$#@

and before you know it, they're in jr. high (middle school for yous Y2Kers) and participating in

sports and clubs. Most schools open their doors very early and offer after-care. Free of charge.

The last elementary I taught at opened their doors at 6:30 and had after-care until 4:30.

There was an after school care ran by a retired teacher from 4:30 to 9:00. And this was in a town

of less than 1,500 people in the middle of the Smoky Mountains.

 

All of you who have followed the original thread from the beginning, thanks for the comments. And those of you that just jumped in, especially you "she'sstillgotit", you dont know what you are talking about. We have 50/50 custody but I keep the kids about 70% of the time because my ex doesnt want them. And when she does have them she is constantly calling to try and get me to discipline the kids over the phone because she cant handle a little stress and does crazy stuff, such as fuss at a stranger over the internet.

There are plenty of single fathers out there, but you dont hear about them because no one feels sorry or has sympathy for men. And i guarantee I am 10 times a better parent than your sexist, bitter @$$. I know you are tired after leaving your airconditioned office after a busy 8 hour day of handling your bosses dry cleaning and keeping track of her meetings and her kids soccer schedule. But as parents we have to find the strength to keep going.

My ex earned more money than me our entire marriage. And she was happy to point out that she didn't "need" me. Yet now she does because her affair partner has no money and wont give it to her if he does. She makes just enough to pay the bills and the mortgage, because she doesnt want to move in with her mom a mile down the road like i had to do, because why should her lifestyle change any just because she chose to have an affair. And of course she would rather me give her money so she can afford the house and OM can live there for free and cancel his apartment lease and use that extra money to pay for dinners out and vacations. And why should i give her money based on 50/50 custody when i keep the kids about 18 days per month compared to her 12 or so, because she chooses to go out friday and saturday nights and i choose to take the kids instead of letting her mom keep them. Not to mention how she miraculously has money to go out but doesnt have money when the kids need a school book or new clothes.
And I don't mind spending every penny I have to improve and sustain the kids' quality of living. But I don't want to also improve my ex wife's quality of life by default. I was already doing that when she chose to give that up for an affair.

And if you get triggered so easily from simply reading a stranger's post on the internet, I wonder what goes on behind closed doors when you get triggered and have your kids around you? Maybe you aren't cut out for single parenthood and need a man to help take care of you. You may not be as strong as the countless other single mothers in the world and even the great women right here in this forum.

I know there are men out there that don't want to pay child support and expect the mother to work and raise the kids on her own. But that's not me. If it was up to me, I would have full custody and pay 100% of the kids' expenses, and let them occasionally spend a few nights with their mom whenever they wanted to. Which she had originally agreed to do before I filed for divorce. But she spoke to some people and they talked her out of that. But if I get my way and we end up doing that arrangement, I am 99% certain that she will ask to keep them less and less until she sees them for an hour or two once per month. And then a year or two from now, she will get a different job or marry some sucker and try to fight me and get the kids back and force them to spend time with her after they are even more attached to me and it causes them more trauma to be away from me.

And to answer the other posters, i work in the chemical plant/refinery industry. I have to be at work between 430 and 5 am while on days and 430 and 5pm when on nights. And it rotates every few days. So either I have to wake the kids up with me at 3am and bring them somewhere to drop off, or have someone come to my house and sit with them until 6am and get them ready for school. And i also have to get someone to watch them when I am working nights. And plants run 24/7 nonstop. I have to be at work on time to relieve the other person so he/she can go home and rest to come back in 12 hours to relieve me. So there is no way the employer will adjust my schedule. I have to rely on family members or find some kind of in home nanny. But it's pretty scary to have a stranger spending that much time alone with my kids. The one positive thing about my schedule though, is that I only work 7 days out of every 2 weeks, instead of 10 days like most people. So that leaves me with more days off to play with the kids.

That reminds me of another thing. If I have to pay my ex, that means I will have to work overtime and on my days off to support her. So that takes away much of my time I could spend with the kids. So why can't she work on her days off instead to pay her bills and mortgage? Why should I have to work my days off so she can have more free time to devote to her affair?

I'm sorry for the rant. I never do that and am not the type to argue with people on the internet, but it really bothers me when a woman like "shesstillgotit" thinks she is special because she jumps on the single mother bandwagon and tries to take credit and compare herself to the many single mothers that really do have it bad and have to struggle terribly everyday just to put food on the table. And someone like her thinks she is struggling because she has to drive a Ford instead of a Porsche. And has to help with homework instead of laying on the couch watching American Idol in the evenings. And has to drive to the lake for vacation instead of flying to Hawaii.

My one and only female friend is a single mother of two boys, who was abused by her husband and almost killed and had to escape to save her and her kids' lives. She struggles everyday and gets no help or money from anyone. And she has a few hours to rest every Sunday, but chooses to bring her kids to church instead of sleeping in or watching tv, so they will grow up with a good religious background. And she also manages to find time every month to volunteer and help other abuse victims. And she never complains or tries to lecture strangers on the internet. She is a real woman and is raising 2 dang good little boys. And she tells me I am the best and most hard working father she knows. She knows my whole story and said I am a wuss if I end up giving my spoiled, pathetic ex a dime.

And she is just one of many great mothers who are exactly like her And doesn't think they are special or deserve recognition because they have some struggles.

And "shesstillgotit", save yourself the time of trying to post a long reply explaining how you have it so bad and struggle like the other REAL single mothers out there, I don't care. Use that time instead to catch up on your housework or do something fun with your kids.

 

THIS post is legend. For once..... a guy speaks up. After dealing with brow beatings.

Quite common on threads. I may make up another screen name just to like your post twice.

:allhail:

 

I wondered if the condescending post of hers was going to push you off the deep end. The bold italics in that post was extra precious. Glad you are standing up for yourself.

Bottom line is your kids are more important than any shenanigans your WW tries to pull. The only accolades you need won't come for years until your children are grown (or older). For now, it is one day at a time doing the right thing regardless of circumstances.


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THIS post is legend. For once..... a guy speaks up. After dealing with brow beatings.

Quite common on threads. I may make up another screen name just to like your post twice.

:allhail:

There are elements of truth to both sides in this, so let's not beat up on she'sstillgotit. It's a matter of perspective after all. Perhaps she was a little harsh, and perhaps she was triggered, but that kind of thing goes on here ALL the time.

Were there assumptions made? Well, yes. But unfortunately, not all men/fathers are like Collin. My own wife's ex and father of her children was (is) not like him, and her frustration at these types of men would be justified in his case.

The reality is that it IS the mother who most often has to make all these sacrifices - or at least more of them.

10 years removed from her ex, my wife is still living this (and now I am, too). I am more of a father to the kids than the real dad is, despite his insistence back then that custody be 50/50 to avoid alimony. It is what it is, and we just live with it - and accept that the kids are with us 70% of the time. It's honestly fine with us, and we can afford it anyway, so at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.

When you start looking at it from the perspective of somebody wins and somebody loses, that's just detrimental to the whole process of parenting. While it irks us that bio dad changes the schedule ("sorry, something came up, can't make it"), the reality is that he is the one that suffers (or will suffer) in the long run. He can tell them all he wants "sorry buddy, had to work late", but all they hear is that something else is more important.

Around here, the schedule is 'supposed' to be 50/50. What it actually is is 70/30. The young one sleeps there one weekend every 2 weeks, and is picked up twice a week for about 3 hours. Often late, so he eats dinner here those nights, too. It's already at the point where it's more of a hassle for him than anything. And on the weekends he's over there, they don't often do anything, and thus he misses out on things we'd otherwise do over here, as a family.

He's old enough to start putting 2 and 2 together, and he now regards this as 'home' - not over there. There have been numerous times where he's asked if he can stay here instead, and we're always happy to oblige, provided bio dad is okay with it (sometimes he's not...). Once he's a teenager, I can guarantee he'll spend less and less time over there, and bio dad will have to deal.

The long and the short of it is that bio dad insisted on 50/50 custody and split of everything, and has never come through. Whether it's working late or some other reason, the reality is that the kids aren't priority number one at all times. Over here, they are, including by me. And the kids SEE this - he doesn't, not yet, anyway.

Unfortunately, this IS the norm for many divorced dads, and she'sstillgotit's post was not unwarranted in general. To Collin, it obviously was, and perhaps he deserves an apology as a result. But she also doesn't deserve a pile-on for her post, IMO. Over all, she's not wrong - she just was to this particular divorced dad.

 

@collin8550

My friend works a similar schedule at a local plastics plant. She always said anyone opening a home daycare for 2nd & 3rd shift workers would make a mint off her co-workers alone.

Could your single mom friend babysit for you? Of course, you'd pay her. You get daycare you trust and she makes extra money. Win win.

If not, do you have a notices board at work? Friend had one in her company break room and advertised for a sitter. A SAHM married to a fellow employee took the sitter job as she was used to the shift schedule.

 

Collin: Sorry to see you going through this mess but sounds as if you are married to an angry faithless, unconsciable, unrepentant cheater!

First off, she needs to know some ground rules:
You are no longer in the business of being a sounding board for her emotional tirades! Same goes for your kids as well as your parents ~ in person, on the phone, or otherwise! Keep a journal detailing dates, times and sites of such occurrences!

Since it's apparent that you will end up with custody of the kids, make your situation known to your employer! If you are a valued employee, they will sympathize and help you out to the best of their ability, whether it is additional time to shuttle them around or for you to procure someone to perform that task for you!

Sorry to see you in this mess, my friend, but coming to TAM for help and honest counsel was one of the better choices that you will ever make!

Stay strong!

And if you don't have one, get yourself a good "piranha" family attorney who will do his damndest to drag her drawers through the mud for all of her prevarications!

Those kids need a leader ~ that, unfortunately, is nowhere to be found in her job description!

 

.... Not going to derail the thread.

 

So it's time to say "be careful what you ask for you might get it".

Poor muffin she's angry because her cake got taken away.

 

Collin, I am sorry you are here. I'm going to be honest that I haven't read your other thread but I wanted to throw out some ideas about the childcare situation. You mention you are staying with your parents, are they able to help you at all? Could you drop them at your parent's house all dressed and ready to go with a packed breakfast and they just drive them to school in the morning when the kids wake up for school? In the evenings maybe you do similar with a packed dinner, dressed in PJ's and bathed, and ready for bed and then you pick them up after your shift? At least temporarily til you figure something else out? Maybe comp them for their time and gas whatever you can afford to pay.

Just an idea. I remember my mother was a single mother and she was an RN. She worked night shift a lot and we would go to a overnight daycare (I'm not sure if they have those anywhere but maybe you can look into that as well) and we'd sleep until she came to pick us up and drop us at school. Things aren't always perfect but you have to do what you can. I remember having to walk to a friend's house after school and have dinner at their house many times (my mom comped them for dinner) and my mom would come late night to pick me up. I don't even know your childrens' ages but that may also be an option as well for some days if you know any of their friends' parents.