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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife & i are strugling with the way her parents are thinkin,she doesnt dare 2 say no 2 them in most of the issue & its affectin our relationship alot as & when things pop up.We thought as their getting old & her youngest bro is abt registr in2 University & we wont be able 2 help much as we also had our commitment & as we're newlyweds, we decided 2 buy medical & hospital insurance 4 them in any case we neednt hav 2 cope with huge bills in future,we did check with her 2 sis whether do they want 2 contribute but e answ was NO as due 2 their finaces,we decided 2 go ahead ourselves BUT her parents didnt wan it,we explain 2 them that this would benefit parents & us in future.DUE to wat we can afford alone & also FIL is into his last year of entiry age alredy in 6weeks.I feel very hopless & frust abt rejected & more Insucure of further years in marriage life as my wife wont say NO when future bills come & we hav 2 cope with debts ALONE.I'm considrin divore as i cnt see our future now.The issue is not juz abt money but more on putting her signature as the gurantor with the hospital in bearing the whole cost alone when the others siblings cannot afford in small amount now & not to talk abt Huge in future.
 

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suggestion: you and your wife have to sit down together and make an agreement to ONLY cover at least ONE bill regarding her family. the rest is for you two who are starting off as a new married couple. practice with your wife in the form of role playing for her to say "NO" so you pretend that you are her parents and make such needs and questions afterwards have her say "NO" in a confident, firm manner. as for her youngest brother, he needs to seek scholarships, internships, and a part-time job. this is what i do to get through school every since i started college. i worked to pay off my tuition and books when i attended community college. now am transfered to a 4 year university where i still work part-time and full time on holidays and vacations to pay off school books and tuition. if his institution costs a lot, make him take a loan and then the one bill to pay would be his interest so that by the time he is out of that university, he NEEDS to take a job to pay off his loan.

so this is my suggestions. i understand your concerns regarding living in a marriage to a wife who sways over for her parents, but try to understand her side too. this may be cultural that this is how she gives back to the parents by taking care of the youngest siblings and how everyone pulls together.

so each of you need to put your foot down. you make an agreement with your wife to ONLY pay ONE bill for her family so that the rest is for you two to start out. and your brother-in-law works too so that his education can work out. practice with your wife having BOUNDARIES by saying NO and we'll see from there. it also takes time to do these things. it's not like an over the night results kind of thing. so as the saying goes "practice makes perfect"
 

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When my wife and I were first together she always "helped" her parents out. Do not get me wrong they are the best In-laws you can ask for, but our family comes first.

Just a suggestion to. Do not use all the online type lite lingo it is rather hard to read.

draconis
 

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We are currantly going through something like this also. I have a hard time when my parents need help and my brother never seems to step up and help. That being said I agree that my family and bills come first but if there is anyway that I can help my parents I wouldn't hesitate. They have always been their and if I have to skip a bill once a month to help them out then I would do it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks for your advices. We were in a courtship for 3yrs n juz wed for 1yr, i guess the main problems lies with her mentality in this issue regarding her parents, which i feel that always they r taking advantage of her daughter in a way too. In the past issue there wasnt ANY life theatening issue(Big Problems) like FIL going on holiday, couldnt afford then she had to borrow from bank as we hav housing loan etc to cope. Then we had to pay back for afew months. 2) MIL's dad got mild stroke but MIL got 11 siblings, i feel that its always US that face all this crap. U mean 11 uncles & aunts cant cope! She has also 2 older Sis who everytime helpless towards this things. And sometimes after givin money MIL'll say things like y work so much, must find time to go CHURCH, money not IMPORTANT!(F***)As we're not stayin in the same country with PIL. In 1-2 years i thought of havin kids but i SO afraid if she doesnt change her mentality, does it mean that bcoz of wat ILs do we hav to suffer with kids in future.
 

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Her first responcibility is to her family she built meaning kids and spouse. Her second is the family she was in. Just because you two work harder for extra money doesn't mean anyone else has a right to it. Although her two sisters have the right so spend their money as they see fit I don't see why you'd have to make up for anyone.

draconis
 

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I truely believe in helping family. But your own family should come first. It is not your job too take care of everyone. But your kids and husband first and then move on from there.
 
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