[skidude200]

Need some help here and feel very stuck:
My fiance and I have been engaged since Feb and have been together for 4 years. I was away for year #3 where she moved to the same city where my family is, for school. I returned 1 year ago to that city and since then have been having major issues. Things happened while i was gone for year 3 where there were multiple misunderstandings between my mom and my fiance that have led to major issues in their relationship. My mom/dad now feel that my fiance is trying to take me away from them and my fiance has been disrespectful to them also. We broke up last dec because of all of this but I wasnt happy as I was simply just taking the easy way out by ending my relationship when I really love her. We got back together(after 3 weeks) with her saying that she would try a lot harder to rekindle the relationship with my family(which hasn't happened) and we got engaged in Feb and plan to get married once she is done school in 2014.

I need help because I feel like i am being pulled in 2 directions, one from my parents who have some justification for feeling what they feel and one from my fiance who also has some justfication.I feel like ending the relationship would be very difficult but i wouldnt have to deal with this anymore but I would probably regret it forever.

Please give me some advice on how to create a harmonious relationship between the 2 parties. I feel exhausted and drained and dont know what to do?

 

[Alpha2012]

Is there any particular reason why your parents don't approve of the fiance? Are they just being over protective and not ready to accept the idea that their little boy now belongs to someone else? Or is it that your finance has some real issues and they don;t find her to be a good marriage material for their son? This is important to realize. Also, keep in mind that if you don't set the boundaries now, once you marry her, she is going to marry your family as well. There will be a lot of nerve-wrecking years and holidays to come ahead of you. Particularly, I feel that your fiance should find a way to suck up her own ego and respect your parents for the fact that they are your parents. Period. They have raised you and made you the man you are - the man good enough for her to say yes to. That doesn't mean that she needs to be kissing ass. No. But she can just try to avoid any drama when it arises and be the smarter person in conflicts. On the other hand, you need to tell your parents loud and clear that this is your choice and they need to live with it and respect it. If your parents are smart and convinced that your fiance makes you the happiest man alive, they will compromise. You need to draw the line and act like a man. Don't break up with the fiance solely because of the fact that she doesn't get along with your parents.

 

[EleGirl]

You would have to give some details of what the issues are between them in order for anyone to really help you out here. It's not clear from what you have said if your parents are out of hand, if you fiance is, or what is going on.

Basically in marriage you leave your parents and form a family with your wife. You have to put your wife first, ahead of your parents.

How is your fiance trying to cut you off from your family or take you away from them?

 

[skidude200]

Is there any particular reason why your parents don't approve of the fiance? Are they just being over protective and not ready to accept the idea that their little boy now belongs to someone else? Or is it that your finance has some real issues and they don;t find her to be a good marriage material for their son? This is important to realize. Also, keep in mind that if you don't set the boundaries now, once you marry her, she is going to marry your family as well. There will be a lot of nerve-wrecking years and holidays to come ahead of you. Particularly, I feel that your fiance should find a way to suck up her own ego and respect your parents for the fact that they are your parents. Period. They have raised you and made you the man you are - the man good enough for her to say yes to. That doesn't mean that she needs to be kissing ass. No. But she can just try to avoid any drama when it arises and be the smarter person in conflicts. On the other hand, you need to tell your parents loud and clear that this is your choice and they need to live with it and respect it. If your parents are smart and convinced that your fiance makes you the happiest man alive, they will compromise. You need to draw the line and act like a man. Don't break up with the fiance solely because of the fact that she doesn't get along with your parents.

First of all thank you for taking out that time to reply to my message. I really appreciate your help...

I think that my parents are partially not happy with my fiance because she is "taking me away from them" However, they do also have some reason for not liking my fiance. In the year that I was gone my fiance had issues with my parents and misinterpreted a lot of what my mom would say as being very insulting (since my mom is very upfront and harsh in some ways) My fiance then made the decision to involve her father (her mom died of cancer in 2005) her father then gave my parents an ultimatum to set up wedding date or else he would ask for his daughter to come back to her home town once she is done school. My parents were shocked and were like how can we make a decision without talking to our son. I talked to them and then talked to my fiance who was very distraught and tried to explain to her that I wanted to come back to my home town and get married once i was settled. In the midst of this my fiance had major issues with her schooling which led to her having to spend an extra year on her degree(which she blames my family for). I feel awfully guilty for this. My brother then got married this summer (who is older than me) and my fiance feels as though my parents didnt want to plan for our wedding since I am younger and my parents once mentioned that they wanted my brother married first.....sorry for taking so long to tell this long story...anyways, over the midst of my brothers celebrations etc. my fiance was very upset which made me very upset and I never really enjoyed any of my brothers celebrations because I knew the whole time my fiance hated the fact that it was going on, regardless i put on a happy face....My parents could sense my fiance was not happy with the ways that she wouldnt interact with them or my brother or sister in law. I was just trying to keep my head above water. Because of my fiances attitude over the past while my parents dont feel like she respects them and they dont feel she is good marriage material. As a result of all of this i dont have the greatest relationship with my brother and sister in law (we are just quite distant from each other)

I have tried to tell my fiance to just suck it up and put up with what my family does, but she says that she feels she has already compromised too much by postponing our wedding after my brothers. My parents on the other hand are not willing to give my fiance a chance because they interpret everything she does as disrespectful.

How do i set boundries with my fiance, what if she says she is not able to compromise and do what you said in just respecting my parents for bringing me up.?

The times that i have tried to set boundries in the past she just says she is unwilling to give up her stance.

 

[skidude200]

You would have to give some details of what the issues are between them in order for anyone to really help you out here. It's not clear from what you have said if your parents are out of hand, if you fiance is, or what is going on.

Basically in marriage you leave your parents and form a family with your wife. You have to put your wife first, ahead of your parents.

How is your fiance trying to cut you off from your family or take you away from them?

Thanks for the input. My above response goes into a little more detail. I just didnt want to go on and on about things but maybe it is required for anyone to help out :S

My fiance interprets things that my parents say as very rude and disrespectful to her as my mom is quite up front and rude at times but she doesnt intend to be. I try to tell my fiance that my mom doesnt intend to be mean to her but my fiance goes and cries and this in turn makes her more resentful about my mom. My parents dont really listen to me, when I tell my mom that she could say things a little nicer, she just says that she should be able to say things the way she wants because she is older and my fiance should respect her. My fiance lost her mom in 2005 and was very close to her. My fiance wanted my mom to fill that role but expects too much and doesnt make much of an attempt herself to create a good relationship.

Because of the several problems that my fiance has had with my parents my fiance asks me continually to stick up for her. When i have and i sent my parents a very angry email about how I didn't like what my parents said to her, I didnt feel good at all. My fiance says that she doesnt want my parents to be a big part of our life, she continually says that she thinks my parents dont like her and whenever my mom does anything to make my fiance mad she goes on to overreact and tell me how upset she is and how she doesnt really want my parents part of our life. My parents tell me that I am blinded and dont know anything, I feel that i am just trying to get everyone to get along.

I realize that I have to stand up for my fiance, but sometimes i feel that she over reacts and is unreasonable. What should I do?

 

[EleGirl]

What culture are you from? That really helps to understand the dynamics.

While on the surface it does seem that your fiancé reacted badly to your brother marrying first, the fact is that she moved to your town when she was engaged to you. She gave up everything to be with you. When she gets there your mother, by your own admission, is mean and rude to her.

I am sure that her father knows what is going on so he wanted to set a wedding date for have his daughter returned. Instead of your parents relying that message to you and you and your parents showing your fiancé and her father some respect by setting a wedding date.. your reply is that you will set a date after you are make and are settled.
Do you think her father is pleased that she there in your town, with no support system with a family that does not even like her? I am sure that he is concerned for the wellbeing of his daughter.

In other words you talked his daughter into moving to your town when you had no intent to marry he for 2 or more years. You sound like you are from a conservative culture. You know that his is showing your fiancé and her family great disrespect.

So when one takes that into mind, your fiancé’s reaction at your brother’s wedding makes a lot of sense. She has been humiliated and disrespected as has her father. Your family seem to think that thye have the right to push her and her family around. Why is that?

Further….

You say that your mother is mean and rude in the things she says. But then you expect your fiancé to just ignore that and respect your mother. Even if your wife keeps her mouth shut about your mother’s mean/rude way of talking she will not respect your mother as long as your mother bullies her.

I doubt that you have any idea of most of the mean/rude things that your mother said to your fiancé. Some women can be brutal to young ladies who are marrying their sons. In very conservative cultures this is especially true as the person with the least standing in the family is a daughter-in-law.

I think that you are wrong to ask your fiancé to just accept being talked to in a rude/mean manner.

I think that you need to apologize to you fiancé for ignoring her father’s request for a wedding date to be set and to set one immediately that is agreeable to you and your fiancé.

And you need to set boundaries for our mother. Only you can get your mother to back down. The way to do this is to remind her that your fiancé will be the mother of your future children, her grandchildren and if she wants to be part of their lives she needs to tone it down. If she wants respect from your fiancé, then she needs t be kind and respectful in return.

If your fiancé were my daughter, I’d advise her to leave you because your family seems to have respect for her father and even for her.

 

[Bobby5000]

First, you need to stop worrying about what your mother and father think. Your post starts the wrong way, how can I get everyone to get along. The question is, how I can enable myself to make decisions that should be made without worrying about whether mom or day are happy; how do I realize I am not 9 years old and can be grounded if my report card is not good. Everyone will have to live with decisions. It may be that your inlaws will not be close (as an inlaw, you really to not see the other parents that often). Having posed the issues, you need to make choices about what will make you happy.

Her father seem quite similar to your parents, somewhat self-centered, very aware of slights towards them, unaware of any damage they cause others. Families are a package and if your girlfriend becomes your wife, you'll be spending a lot of Sundays with them.

I went through some of the same things, and by establishing guidelines, having reasonably flexibility, not getting emotional, and not feeling like my happiness is dependent upon whether my parents are happy, things have worked out well.

 

[MrsOldNews]

Although your fiancées way of dealing with your mother is immature at the very least. Your mother is something else. I am a mature emotionally healthy woman and would NOT marry into a family like that. Your mother is as immature if not MORE than your fiancée. No woman in their right mind would marry into that battlefield.

 

[Alpha2012]

Dear skidude,

You need to slow down. Dude, you spend way to much time thinking, emotionally connecting with this stuff and trying to make everyone happy. If a perfect world did exist, that would have been possible. But guess what? A perfect world does not exist. And you cannot make everyone happy. That's a fact.

I don't like that you spend all this time thinking about your parents and about the fiance. Where are you...?

If I am understanding this correctly, your fiance made her choice to move to your town because of school. No one should feel obligated, whatsoever, to her because of her decision.

I do think that she is overreacting. She cannot have expectations that your mother will fill up her mother's spot. With time, maybe. But I think that it would be a lost cause if she enters a relationship with your mom with those expectations. There is some growing to do on her behalf. As some of the conflicts between her and your parents could have been simply avoided. Your brother's wedding - big deal whether your parents want to see him or you get married first. The fact that matters is that you both want to get married and spend the rest of your lives together. Everything else is a bunch of details, no one cares for.

Also, your parents are out of line as well. They sound like more traditional folks to me. It will take some time for them to accept that you have become a man. But YOU need to show it to them.

Here is the bottom line: if you are convinced truly and wholeheartedly that your finance is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, the woman you love with all of her weaknesses and drawbacks, the woman you want to bear your children, the woman that makes you, has always made you and will always make you happy - then listen to her! Make her feel confident and protected. Eventually your parents will suck it up. Because guess what - you will spend the rest of your life with your wife not with your mom. This is human nature. Honestly, where there is love, there is always a way. You should not be having cold feet as a result of the first hardship that you both face in your relationship. What would happen tomorrow if you have kids and they get sick, and you need to provide. Or if one of you loses their job or gets cancer? What would you do then? If you are questionning the future of your relationship with your fiance now because her and your mom don't get along, then I truly think that you should reconsider whether you are emotionally ready and grown up to be married.

Don't ever allow the comfort and happiness of someone else impact your own happiness. Even if it is the one of your parents. Parents will always find a way to forgive you if they see that you are happy. Focus on the relationship you have with your fiance instead!!! Good Luck.