Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 62 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi, I'm new to this forum so I apologize if this is a common question. My first serious love was a girl I met in high school and dated for a few years into college. I was young and dumb and cheated on her a few times. She was really sweet and I assumed we would marry someday but I wasn't capable of having an adult, monogamous relationship at that point in my life. She eventually ended it after many second chances.

That was 17 years ago. I'm happily married now with kids. I've bumped into her a few times over the years but we never had more than a 2 minute conversation. I still harbor a great deal of guilt and shame for how I treated her. I was so reckless and unappreciative of her love. It destroyed me and I thought about her constantly for many, many years afterward.

My 20th high school reunion is this weekend and I'm really dreading seeing her. It's like revisiting one of the greatest mistakes of my life. I've been obsessing over possible conversations in my head for weeks. It's silly but I'm really freaking out over this one thing and probably won't attend the reunion.

Can someone offer some advice on how to handle this? How can I be so messed up over this 20 years later? Thanks for any replies.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,079 Posts
Why haven't you ever contacted her just to apologize for being an arse when you guys were together, not forgetting to mention that you are happily married with a wonderful family of your own, and leave it at that? Put the past behind you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,079 Posts
Honesly? If you are that messed up over this, then don't go to the reunion. Focus on your wife and family, and stop obsessing over a 17 year old girl. Because in your mind, that's what she is; you don't know her as the woman she is now.
Agree with this as well.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
Why haven't you ever contacted her just to apologize for being an arse when you guys were together, not forgetting to mention that you are happily married with a wonderful family of your own, and leave it at that? Put the past behind you?
That's a can of worms that should remain closed, IMHO...it could very well set the stage for a trip down memory lane...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
Chances are that you have never been more than a second thought in her mine in all those 20 yrs. Please DO NOT expect to reignite or beg forgiveness at the reunion. In fact make sure you take your wife with you. Your ex has no place in the marriage or taking time away from your children.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,246 Posts
Are you taking your wife to this reunion? Does your wife know about your feelings here? If the answer to either is no, then I agree with Candiegirl too. Why go ?!?!?!

The only honest way for you to get past this is to discuss it with your wife.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
A lot of things happen in 20 years. I would not worry about it, it may be a bit ackward, but just enjoy seeing everyone and if is to much to talk to her, then keep it to a polite hi and it was nice to see you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
126 Posts
Hi, I'm new to this forum so I apologize if this is a common question. My first serious love was a girl I met in high school and dated for a few years into college. I was young and dumb and cheated on her a few times. She was really sweet and I assumed we would marry someday but I wasn't capable of having an adult, monogamous relationship at that point in my life. She eventually ended it after many second chances.

That was 17 years ago. I'm happily married now with kids. I've bumped into her a few times over the years but we never had more than a 2 minute conversation. I still harbor a great deal of guilt and shame for how I treated her. I was so reckless and unappreciative of her love. It destroyed me and I thought about her constantly for many, many years afterward.

My 20th high school reunion is this weekend and I'm really dreading seeing her. It's like revisiting one of the greatest mistakes of my life. I've been obsessing over possible conversations in my head for weeks. It's silly but I'm really freaking out over this one thing and probably won't attend the reunion.

Can someone offer some advice on how to handle this? How can I be so messed up over this 20 years later? Thanks for any replies.
This happened 20 years ago!

Yes you were a terrible boyfriend. Yes you probably never addressed it and cut your ties (like most people) after you went your separate ways.

Yes, you met someone else and have created a life with them.

Why, oh WHY are you investing so much of your emotional energy into something that has NO relevance to your current life?

It disturbs me that you are thinking this much about a girl who is very clearly still the high school girl you dated in your mind. But what does it matter? You made your mistakes with her and you broke up and moved on.

Why revisit this?

It does bother me that you 'cheated on her a few times' and flippantly mentioned 'Oh and I figured I'd marry her too.' But I'm sticking to my guns with this is the past and should remain in the past. Don't let this bleed into your present and ruin your future.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
About 13 years ago, I reconected via email with my first love. It didn't take long until we were arranging to meet in my city. I didn't go through with it...but those feelings sure were easy to reignite. That taught me that I have to stay away from exes and it's absolutely mandatory for my husband to do so as well. Too much of a trigger/risk. (Risk for me to connect with an ex and trigger for my H to connect with one).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Why haven't I called her? Well, CandiGirl basically summed that up. I'm not looking to give her the wrong impression and rekindle anything. I have seen her briefly a few times over the years and occasionally looked her up online. She's on her second marriage with a couple kids living a few states away. But we are not FB buddies or have any communications at all. I wouldn't mind being distant friends but I always expected her to make the first move.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
Why haven't I called her? Well, CandiGirl basically summed that up. I'm not looking to give her the wrong impression and rekindle anything. I have seen her briefly a few times over the years and occasionally looked her up online. She's on her second marriage with a couple kids living a few states away. But we are not FB buddies or have any communications at all. I wouldn't mind being distant friends but I always expected her to make the first move.
There's probably a reason for that. I never contact exes. Ever.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
I wouldn't mind being distant friends but I always expected her to make the first move.
expected her to? or your hoping she will?

i feel a bit sorry for your wife, cause your feelings for this other woman are obviously still there and still strong.....time to let it go, chances are she has not thought about you once over all those years, if you bump into her just say "hi how are you doing" and move on, dont get into any sappy apology or your just going to embarrass yourself,

it sounds like she didnt think that much of you back in the day, so why would she now? :scratchhead:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
Why haven't I called her? Well, CandiGirl basically summed that up. I'm not looking to give her the wrong impression and rekindle anything. I have seen her briefly a few times over the years and occasionally looked her up online. She's on her second marriage with a couple kids living a few states away. But we are not FB buddies or have any communications at all. I wouldn't mind being distant friends but I always expected her to make the first move.
You cannot be any type of "friends" with an ex....unless they are gay. There will always be those "feelings" there. I am not friends with any of my exs on facebook or in real life. Temptation comes in many forms and most of them sneak up on you when you are not looking.

Expecting her to make the first move means you have on hell of an ego. Let the thought of her go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,408 Posts
Chances are that you have never been more than a second thought in her mine in all those 20 yrs. Please DO NOT expect to reignite or beg forgiveness at the reunion. In fact make sure you take your wife with you. Your ex has no place in the marriage or taking time away from your children.
Exactly what I was thinking....

Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
Unfortunately my wife is out of town on business and won't be able to join me. My wife was well aware of this early on in our relationship but I haven't mentioned the ex-gf in years. I'm thinking most spouses don't like to hear you are still thinking about old breakup.

This happened 20 years ago!

Yes you were a terrible boyfriend. Yes you probably never addressed it and cut your ties (like most people) after you went your separate ways.

Yes, you met someone else and have created a life with them.

Why, oh WHY are you investing so much of your emotional energy into something that has NO relevance to your current life?
Man, I wish I knew. I felt like I had finally put it aside but this reunion is stirring up my emotions.

It disturbs me that you are thinking this much about a girl who is very clearly still the high school girl you dated in your mind. But what does it matter? You made your mistakes with her and you broke up and moved on.

Why revisit this?
Well, you could say the pain of that experience ultimately made me a better husband and father later. But do I always have to carry the pain? My brain won't let it go.

It does bother me that you 'cheated on her a few times' and flippantly mentioned 'Oh and I figured I'd marry her too.' But I'm sticking to my guns with this is the past and should remain in the past. Don't let this bleed into your present and ruin your future.
Again, I was a dumb kid and assumed I could have everything. I don't mean to seem unappreciative but "don't think about" wasn't the answer I was seeking. I've tried that for years and obviously it's not working.

I originally thought the reunion might give me a chance to get this out of my mind somehow but everyone is saying don't go, you'll say something stupid, you'll threaten your marriage, etc.
 
1 - 20 of 62 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top