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Hello,

This is my first post on any type of internet advise forum, but I liked the genuine answers so I thought I'd give it a try. Please no judgement, I'm in a tough place mentally and emotionally already. Thank you!

First some back ground: My beau and I have been together nearly 3 years- and we are two peas in a pod; constantly adventuring in life together. We have an amazing sex life, mostly because we're both up for a challenge and can't get enough of the other person. He is the only man I have ever been with, though I did suffer a rape when I was 8 years old.

Over the past few months, wife sharing or hotwifing has been a topic in most of our convos. We decided to give it a try, set up a Tinder account for me and I started flirting for his enjoyment. Right from the start I didn't like it because I didn't want to talk like that to anyone other than him. But with his support -was not forced to do this mind you- I continued and he loved it which made me so happy that I could fulfill this fantasy for him. We actually grew even closer from it.

He left about a few weeks ago to visit family and friends overseas (couldn't go due to my teaching schedule) and suggested that I that I look for a guy to go out with while he was gone. I immediately told him that I wouldn't feel right about that while he was away- that we needed to be together for things like that. He agreed, but pressed the subject daily since he's been gone.

About this time, I was chatting with a guy who would actually be a good candidate for a tryst -understanding, open to the experience, similar interests, experience with sharing, etc.- and told my beau. He was thrilled, asked for pix, screen-caps and for me to go on a date with this guy. Again, I told him I did not want to go while he was away. But long story short I ended up meeting with the guy. He was nice, knew my relationship status, my newness to this whole thing and honestly very respectful of my need to be comfortable (because I was not at all comfortable, though he still doesn't know the extent of my discomfort).

I was not turned on by actually being in this guys company at all. In fact, I felt deeply cold and scared and alone. I never felt unsafe with him; but without going into detail, there were hopes and exceptions that I was unable to fulfill for my Beau. After we said good night, I started shaking and gasping for air in my car. I cried myself to sleep and woke up gasping for air the next morning. I am having horribly vivid nightmares and cant seem to relax. I've never experienced anything like this and tried to tell my beau, but i get too worked up for articulate how down right horrified the experience left me and our communication in limited due to his distance at the moment. I told he again that I needed him there with me, that I cannot do it alone.

I'm so hurt and confused right now, I just don't know what to do. On the one hand, this is a fantasy that we have talked about and I want to entertain for my beloved, but the fear and physical reaction is just too much. I feel like I have failed, cheated, and disappointed the man I love -even though he insists the exact opposite and is proud and totally enraptured by my bravery in this. I have read literature on the subject and everything says that nerves will happen, but this is not what I expected and has left me completely drained.

I pray that this isn't yet another negative manifestation from my past rape, and I don't want this to put a rift in a solid relationship. I guess I am wondering, if anyone who has been in a similar situation has any advise. Recommending counselling is great, but I need some real people with real life experience on this issue.

Thank you to anyone who can help!
 

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Just a guess, but I think with your husband, their is an emotional connection, someone you feel emotionally safe with. There is an intimacy there and experience.

Even though you feel as if the other man is safe, you really do not know him on an intimate level.

Really, this should be something you talk to an open-minded therapist about. Could be feelings of guilt and shame as well.

From what it sounds like, your husband represents safe, a kind of protector.
 

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Go with your gut reaction, Zorroami. This is not a workable choice for you - accept that and your beau should too. Yes, he may be disappointed, but give him a chance to get over it. It may be that being raped when young is influencing your reactions. There is a lack of emotional connection, and you did not have your beau present for support. It may not have been any different if he had been there, either. Regardless, if the experience leads you to decide to never do this, then that is the choice you should make. Don't rationalize yourself into a different decision. (But only you can figure out the basis for your reactions and decisions about it.)

I've known two couples who pursued the hot wife fetish. There are differences between their situations and yours, but they always pursued this together for safety and support. Both women thoroughly enjoyed the experience. One still does occasionally, and the other decided that it wasn't for her and wanted something different in a relationship. They split up but remained very good friends. He needs this for himself, though, and found another partner who is into it. I'm not saying this will happen to you and your beau - it depends on how strong a need or fetish this is for him. But, if it is a strong need and you don't want it, then please don't try to go along or string him along.
 

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You were raped when you were 8 years old. You are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. While you may not be aware of it, it has affected you deeply. These feelings may be emerging through your experience. I suggest going to Individual counseling to deal with this CSA issue. It very well may come between you and your husband regardless of the Hotwife thing. Get ready for a rough ride.
 

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Zorroami, you are one brave chic! Really, hats off to you! What happened to you as a child might have left you so sexually traumatized that you wouldn't be able to have normal sexual relations and here you are refusing to allow that situation to define your life. You are one strong brave woman!

I'm having a hard time separating my personal feelings of hot wife sharing from my thoughts on your situation, and feel I should admit that up front.

Hot wife sharing can be a hot fantasy. In fantasy, you are really untouchable, totally safe and completely in control. It gets you aroused and excited to think about it and talk about it. You enjoy that your man is also excited about it. His sexual response also reinforces your sexual response. So the feedback loop is positive.

So the next step, actually looking for and attempting connections with potentials, might seem like a logical step. You entered the water, flirted around, and discovered this was hot too. In this sphere, you're still totally in control and still completely safe. It's still very much fantasy.

But the next sequential step fantasy became reality. You're not in control at all because anything could have happened even with all the safe strategies employed. In this step you're not in fantasy at all. Therefor you aren't very safe.

As you seek to erase any vestiges of how CSA might impact your sexuality you're likely to have some moments of intense fear. If you can safely talk yourself through it, you should continue. If it blooms into a full panic attack you really should not continue. You're simply not ready for that yet.

It's perfectly okay to draw a line with hot wife sharing. It's perfectly fine to stop at chatting because that's where you feel safe and the next step is NOT where you feel safe.

You also have to give yourself permission to tell your man that the next step just isn't for you. Everyone has fantasies that turn them in and arouse them, yet they wouldn't want to make them a reality an maybe this is your sitch. I don't think anyone should ever feel like they are letting their partner down because they simply can't take the next step. Even without the CSA, most sexually explorative women, might not be okay with sharing themselves for the sake of fulfilling somekne else's fantasy. It's got to be something you WANT because YOU want it. Not something you want because your lover wants it and you want him to be happy with you.

Give yourself permission to draw the line.
 

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you don't mention you are married, so if you are not, you are not bound by the bonds and boundaries of marriage. I'm just asking this to clarify so posters can respond accordingly.

if you are married, and took vows, those vows should be honored whatever they may be.

i agree with posters so far, don't do anything that might traumatize you further.

i am somewhat concerned that your beau though not forcing you to do anything is definitely PRESSURING you.
 

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CSA survivor here and you need to learn something I learned a long time ago. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Put your foot down with your man. Not many women want to be a living blow up doll so you are in the majority.

I am not impressed with your man being pushy with you.

It really strikes me that he keeps telling you that it is ok when it clearly is not.

Stop doing things that don't make you feel good all over.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Analyze these two situations and see what you think:

Situation A:
A young male has his sexual preferences imprinted upon him exclusively through being exposed to porn. In this scenario he learns to enjoy watching women that he desires only have sex with other well endowed men through pictures and videos as he masturbates. This is repeated often and becomes a habitual form of behavior.​

Situation B:
A married male seeking the ultimate fantasy in his minds eye, asks his wife to have sex with other men (often well endowed) and send him pictures or videos. This fantasy often involves the wife become sexually unavailable to the husband while she is exclusive to her other lovers. Meanwhile the husband masturbates to not just any porn, but porn created by his wife for his enjoyment. The result is a man who now thinks he has finally found a way to have his porn love him back and finally accept him.​

It is all perfectly natural, just like the guy in this photo who imprinted himself only a family of ducks and is now teaching them to fly in a very wholesome, exhilarating and uplifting way:


And for those that don't get my humor, the photo of the ducks is meant to be sarcastic. The poor ducks will never learn to properly migrate and live the life they were meant to live.

Badsanta
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thank you for the feed back! I also truly appreciate the effort at unbiased and nonjudgmental advice as well. I am glad I gave this a go.

To clarify, my beau is not the problem. Our conversations are balanced, candid, and not coming from a place of pressure or force. This is something that we have decided to try. This is the man who has been steadfastly supportive of my past and helped me to work through many issues connected to my rape. I would probably never have been able to enjoy sex as much as I do without his patience and understanding.

A problem in this definitely was that he was not with me and will not be happen in the future if we choose to pursue this further. I agree with most of you that I am definitely not ready for more yet and many of these fears will hopefully cool once he's returned.

I really like what a few people have said- it's put some things in a new perspective for me.

If it is alright, may I private message a few of you with more specific questions?

Thank you all so much!
 

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ok you are two consenting adults whatever but be warned it will probably kill your marriage as it will be hard for you to respect your husband he11 I dont know him and I dont respect him

Get help for your abuse issues and make sure he is not useing your feelings for him as your "protecter" to manipulate you into something you dont want to do, you know trade one devil for another

you could hotwife role play just you and him dress slvtty go to a bar have him pick you up and screw in the parking lot or go to a glory hole with just you and him you can even make porn and post it or soft swing have sex with another couple present in the room

Just saying if your sex gets stale your imagination is your limits not someone elses genitals

I am up for anything with my wife and only my wife my name is dash not sharon and her name is dash miser

Just don't understand the **** stuff my male lizard brain dont compute :scratchhead: I would rather suck start a shotgun
 

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Once I told my wife.
"Today, I want you to think of a nice quiet public place, where we can go and I can fvck the sh!t out of you."

I know her well enough that this would never happen, but, once in awhile when we were out and about she would point out spots, here and there. You know [email protected] well, the second we got to the safety of our private home, what went on.

We watched dancing with the stars and the voice.... but I was thinking about the spot the whole time;)
 
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