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Discussion Starter #1
I am married with no kids to my first and only boyfriend.
When I went through emotional and some physical abuse in my marriage, I met a man.
Long story short – I fell for him terribly.
Soon, after he started talk to me, he said he cannot really have sex because of his health issues. I did not care about being physical, I just felt connection between us and liked attention my H did not give me.
Later on, we kissed, hugged. I know, selfish and no excuse for that.
We met couple times before he moved to another country. Before that, we actually had one misunderstanding and he said we will never be more...
But we stayed in touch even though I did not hope to see him ever again.
After very long time, he came to visit his old town and wanted to meet me. Suddenly, he wanted to be more than friends. We became intimate as much as you can with man with ED, where no pill can help. Then he left.
Next year- same scenario.

Push – pull game while I was in love with him and he was away.
When we talked online, he always asks me how I am, how my life is. We chat for hours. I can tell he cares but I am not sure if he cares enough.
He asks about my marriage lately, says to save money so I would be able to move out.
He did not talk like this before.
I know this is very bad and unfair to everybody and yet, I cannot give up.

Somewhere, deep in me, I know this has no future or at least not good one. He is almost 15 years older, twice divorced and met his ex same way as he met me.
I am also sure he had affair with more than one married woman before.
He has diabetes and all kinds of complications because of that. I feel bad for him because I know how sick he is. I worry about him a lot...He is mad because of ED but he is too young to give up on his life.
Someone once told me that I would be more of caregiver than girlfriend to him because of his disease. I am still young, I do want kids one day.

Now, when I think about it, I do not get what he wants. If it was about sex only, why would he bother for once a year if he can have it often in his country and keep in touch for rest of the year when we are apart?
I know he has nobody there.
I know I should get divorce or work on my marriage. I feel like I should ask who I am for him and get straight answer.

I am going to see marriage counselor next week but I am afraid that nothing will work if I wonder about that other man and keeping him in my heart. I am very confused. My husband and I had problems long before I met him and it is not helping now. Maybe I hoped it would give me strength to leave. IDK. But, without looking on how wrong it is, would you see any future for him and me???
 

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Did you try to solve your marital problems with your husband before choosing to get emotional/ physical with OM? It seems No.

Others will chime in.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I did actually. Not with counselor but I did. He did not listen. He laughed when I went through depression and showed me no support. I was depressed because I was so lonely. I have nobody but him where we live. I told him so many times, wrote emails, wrote to therapist and showed him her answer. Nothing has changed.
 

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I did actually. Not with counselor but I did. He did not listen. He laughed when I went through depression and showed me no support. I was depressed because I was so lonely. I have nobody but him where we live. I told him so many times, wrote emails, wrote to therapist and showed him her answer. Nothing has changed.
OK, you kept your H informed about your depression and matters that followed?

Did you tell him about the PA with a man with ED?
 

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Oh, he sick alright. In more ways than you can imagine.

Then

First you let your husband physically abuse you. You abuse him emotionally, the serial cheater abuses you.

See a pattern?
Drop the loose cannonball
Get psych helfp ASAP
THEN if you want to save your marriage (its already in the krapper) see if your spouse will go but first be sure he gets psych help too to stop the physical abuse.

Oh, dont admit the affair while he is still in abuse mode
 

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Discussion Starter #9
OK, you kept your H informed about your depression and matters that followed?

Did you tell him about the PA with a man with ED?
Yes, he knew about my depression. He made fun of me because of that. One time, when I cried while we were fighting, I told him that I felt so bad that I was thinking about ending my life for a second. My therapist told me not to solve temporary problems with permanent solution. She helped me a lot.
When something was going on, he never forgot to ask if I took my pill just to be sarcastic.
I never told him about EA/PA. I do not think I will ever be brave enough.
He likes to joke about things his own way just like when I told him I want divorce. He said, he will go to jail before that happens.
 

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I'm confused, you seem to be look for advice on how you can have a more successful affair? On that front I have zero advice, other than to ask yourself why you would bewitch a guy who has ED, has a history of cheating with married women, and is himself a multiple divorced looser?

Or are you actually looking to stop cheating, come clean to your husband, and fix your marriage..
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Oh, he sick alright. In more ways than you can imagine.

Then

First you let your husband physically abuse you. You abuse him emotionally, the serial cheater abuses you.

See a pattern?
Drop the loose cannonball
Get psych helfp ASAP
THEN if you want to save your marriage (its already in the krapper) see if your spouse will go but first be sure he gets psych help too to stop the physical abuse.

Oh, dont admit the affair while he is still in abuse mode
I am going to marriage counseling next week. I scheduled it couple weeks ago. He said he won't go. I am ok with it for now, because it is my session only. I will see if I get him there after it. I hope I will. I know it would help him as well. If he won't at all, it just says a lot on its own.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I'm confused, you seem to be look for advice on how you can have a more successful affair? On that front I have zero advice, other than to ask yourself why you would bewitch a guy who has ED, has a history of cheating with married women, and is himself a multiple divorced looser?

Or are you actually looking to stop cheating, come clean to your husband, and fix your marriage..
If you are confused, it makes two of us. I guess I want to know if there is any future for me and him after divorce.
Maybe, I just need people to tell me it is not worth it. I do not know how to stop being attached to him. Seems toxic at times.

I do not know what I want.....
 

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The OM is pond scum. He's broken up other marriages. The other women he played into marrying him finally got smart and ditched him.

You need to see him for the horrible disaster he is.

As for your current marriage, come clean to him. Let him know you are having an affair and are Stopping it. That you want him to come to MC to work through your betrayal.
 

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The OM is pond scum. He's broken up other marriages. The other women he played into marrying him finally got smart and ditched him.

You need to see him for the horrible disaster he is.

As for your current marriage, come clean to him. Let him know you are having an affair and are Stopping it. That you want him to come to MC to work through your betrayal.
Shaggy, this is what I was trying to tell OP. She missed it.
 

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I'm confused, you seem to be look for advice on how you can have a more successful affair? On that front I have zero advice, other than to ask yourself why you would bewitch a guy who has ED, has a history of cheating with married women, and is himself a multiple divorced looser?

Or are you actually looking to stop cheating, come clean to your husband, and fix your marriage..
Or dump them both?:scratchhead:
 

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There is no happy future with your affair partner. He is a straight up complete and utter failure as a human being. Do not waste another thought on him.

Your husband is only marginally better. You should leave him, divorce and build a better life for yourself. Use your councelling to come to grips with why you accept such abysmal treatment from men. You need to value yourself more than you do, and then perhaps you will attract a man who will actually love you as well.
 

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Believe me there is no future with the 15 yr older than you, jerk, that will never actually be able to satisfy you physically----and when you are still a viable 50 he will be a worn out cranky hard to get along with 65 , with much worse physical problems, that he will expect you to help him out with

As for your H---get a D.----as for counseling---since you really have no mge---why not go to IC---and straighten out the mess that is running thru your brain at this point

Once D---start a new life fresh and away from all these screwed up men, who are doing nothing but dragging you down with them

Get a new life---there are MILLIONS of good solid men out there---why do you want to stay miserable with these two total losers you are with----have you no RESPECT FOR YOURSELF
 

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First you let your husband physically abuse you. You abuse him emotionally, the serial cheater abuses you.

See a pattern?
Drop the loose cannonball
Get psych helfp ASAP
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Self respect (lack of), personal boundaires (no one), self love (non-existent).
It's all the same, friend. Really.
You have within what it takes to build you up again. Start respecting yourself. Demanding others respect you will come automatically.

And please, get out of this delusional, fantasy train of thoughs OM is actually a man in any realistic sense of the word. He's not. He never was. He never will. You have not the power to redeem him. He's doing what he always did and you are his current victim (the only one? I highly doubt it) therefore he's not trying to change. You can't changue anybody but yourself.

It seems you lost sight what a healthy relationship looks like time ago, maybe due pre existent issues from your past maybe due the boiling frog effect. Please, start choosing better, step by step. And the first one is dropping your drug of choice cold turkey.


Send him a NC letter, then block him from eny way of comunicating with you, then get rid of every memento, letter, guft, poicture, whatever. Get rid of the affair tools.
Get past the break up withdrawal. Focus in self improvement and what it requires.

I fear/hope! you must drop BH too. He's an unrepetant abuser, right?
 

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Neither man is good for you, assuming you're being honest about everything. You should get them both out of your life, then spend time figuring out why you keep putting yourself in bad relationship scenarios.

C
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No shes leaving something out.

This is her side of the story after all. And while her H definitely isn't winning any husband of the year awards, with her in an affair and her emotions going to another man, her behavior has gotta be just as crappy if not more than his.
 
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