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Discussion Starter #1
So we've been spending a lot of time together lately (his idea) and I must admit it has been nice.

Yesterday we went out and had lunch then went to a movie. All through the movie his phone is going off, I snuck at look at the screen and its her, calling and calling. I was so angry.

She's probably having one of her many personal crisises. She uses him as her personal shrink.

Whenever this happens I just think this marriage really is doomed. She's never going to leave him alone. I'm going to spend the rest of my life upset when his female "friends" interrupt out family time.
 

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So we've been spending a lot of time together lately (his idea) and I must admit it has been nice.

Yesterday we went out and had lunch then went to a movie. All through the movie his phone is going off, I snuck at look at the screen and its her, calling and calling. I was so angry.

She's probably having one of her many personal crisises. She uses him as her personal shrink.

Whenever this happens I just think this marriage really is doomed. She's never going to leave him alone. I'm going to spend the rest of my life upset when his female "friends" interrupt out family time.
Tell him posOW has got to go.

And, mean it.



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Discussion Starter #3
Tell him posOW has got to go.

And, mean it.
Believe me I've told him.

He has said quote: "I will never give up my friends" and "I've known her a lot longer than I've known you".

HE actually did tell her no more contact at the beginning of the year, then she attempted suicide and he feels guilty. I don't consider that an excuse to stay in her life.

Bottom line is he values his "friends" more than he values his family. I suspect this has a lot to do with his upbringing. Divorced parents both remarried to abusive spouses. He would never spend holidays or time with them, he went to his friends instead.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way. I want someone who values me and truly cares about my feelings.

I have been hesitating filing because we have a young child together and he is not handling our separation well. I fear he will turn out like his father - not knowing what a family and marriage is supposed to be like.
 

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If you want the marriage to work then she has to go. You will never be able to reconcile with him if she has continued contact. If you are truly seperated and divorcing then you have no say in the matter.
 

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He MAY be securing his home turf. I think this is called cake-eating. Some men get a high of knowing two women are competing for his attention. And to be fair, some women get a high from knowing two men are competing for her attention. (And all other flavors of this scenario, too.)
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Here's the kicker guys: she has no romantic interest in him and he knows it.

He was in love with her for 10 years before we met. She never wanted to be with him except as a "friend". She married and divorced someone else, twice!

She uses him as her personal shrink and he happily goes running to her whenever she calls. She knows how I feel about her contact and intimate talks with my husband and still she does it. And he still allows it.

Him and her have been having intimate talks and meetings (secret) for years I just found out about it early this year. He has used her as his personal marriage counsellor which makes me feel sick - knowing that she knows every dirty secret about me and my relationship with my husband.

I found old diaries of his where he writes of how perfect she is, and is she would only love me like I love her, AND "all the girls I date none of them come close to HER.

It's sick and messed up. He would rather dump his family and 12 yr marriage just to have the "perfect" woman in his life, however he can get her. She is dating someone else now.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
If you want the marriage to work then she has to go. You will never be able to reconcile with him if she has continued contact. If you are truly seperated and divorcing then you have no say in the matter.
I know this and I've told him this. He refuses to give her up and I said you;ve made your choice, he replied You've made yours.

Nice huh?

I can't make him do anything, all I can do is show him the consequences and leave for good, of which he doesn't care anyway.

He's given me some speel about how this breaks his heart, etc, etc.. but he still does the very thing that is making me leave.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Sounds like you're afraid he'll choose his friendship with her.
He has chosen his friendship with her over me and our son. I kicked him out of the house 3 mths ago when I learned this.

He's been asking to see me and taking me out the past 6 wks or so.

My decision still stands. Her or me. He chose her.
 

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I wanted to give him another chance before I file... I want to save my family from divorce but I won't tolerate this.
You can't give him another chance until OW is gone....

You giving him another chance while she is still in the picture only contributes to his cake eating attitude.

The statements he gives you are not from a man who wants his marriage to work.
 

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Here's the kicker guys: she has no romantic interest in him and he knows it.

He was in love with her for 10 years before we met. She never wanted to be with him except as a "friend". She married and divorced someone else, twice!

She uses him as her personal shrink and he happily goes running to her whenever she calls. She knows how I feel about her contact and intimate talks with my husband and still she does it. And he still allows it.

Him and her have been having intimate talks and meetings (secret) for years I just found out about it early this year. He has used her as his personal marriage counsellor which makes me feel sick - knowing that she knows every dirty secret about me and my relationship with my husband.

I found old diaries of his where he writes of how perfect she is, and is she would only love me like I love her, AND "all the girls I date none of them come close to HER.

It's sick and messed up. He would rather dump his family and 12 yr marriage just to have the "perfect" woman in his life, however he can get her. She is dating someone else now.

I know it is hard but all what you say above made me think he is madly in love with her and he'll waiting for her to give him the green light , despite hers marriages and affairs .

He doesn't love you , you're his Plan B only and since I'm on the same team I know how it feels and I'm sorry for you.

You best bet I think is D and no going back . Obviously when you file he'll get scary and will take you serious , he'll stop talking to her for awhile so to make you happy , but then when settle down he'll continue pursue her because he is obsessed with her. All this from the man standpoint .

Good luck and stay strong, hope you'll get the right decision for your self .
 

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Are you prolonging filing because you're still holding out hope that he will choose you over her? The past is the best indicator of the future in many cases. You have given him the opportunity to make his decision. He's made it. You can't control that - all you can do is accept it. Does it hurt? Of course. Is it ludicrous to you and most of us? Without a doubt. But none of that changes his decision. As much as you want to, you can't will him to change his mind.

I know what it's like to want to hold on. But it sounds like you've run out of rope to hold onto. Time to let go. File for yourself because you know you deserve better. You deserve more than he can give you. Continuing to spend time with him may feel nice in the moment (when she isn't calling that is), but be honest with yourself. You're just postponing the inevitable. Time to move on. Close this chapter and begin the healing process.
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Discussion Starter #18
You are right he doesn't want to stop he's even admitted he won't give her up.

He's told me so many times over the years what a crappy person I am. He loves to point out my "bad" faults. And he compares me to HER. She "accepts him for who he is". She doesn't fight with him.

I suspect she is so "accepting" because she uses him as her personal shrink and has no other expectations of him. She doesn't expect him to love her or be faithful to her or spend time as a family. All she expects is for him to come running when she has a crisis and be her shoulder to cry on.

He's told me she's not there for him sometimes when we wants to talk (about me and our marriage).

I tend to agree I am plan B, probably always have been. And if she gave him the green light he would dump me in a millisecond and run to her side. It makes me sick that he thinks she is so perfect. She's a mental mess, 2 divorces behind her, messed up family, yet I'm the bad guy in it all.

I'm tired of being made to feel crappy about myself. I have been wondering why he wants to spend to much time with me lately. I suspect he feels I'm lonely and being the rescuer he is, he is doing it out of pity.

She's not the only SINGLE female he spends time with, there are others too I know about.

He is emotionally distant, has always kept to himself (except with her) and our MC (who we no longer see - he quit) told me she thinks he has these female relationships because they do not require any real intimacy or commitment from him yet he can fool himself into thinking they are real relationships. I tend to agree I think its all he's capable of.

He blames all of our relationship issues on ME.
 

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Well, I hope you divorce him STAT. He does not deserve you and you do not deserve this. She must be a real piece of work, too, to cavort with him knowing full well the damage it's caused to your marriage.
 
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