[goldfishcrackers]

Hi all,

I know technically we are not married but we are in a serious relationship and i would like to hear serious advice from people who may or may not walked in this road so i hope this post is ok

Before i explain my issue id like to give some background info;

we are both 21, this is my first serious relationship and it is his first AND first serious relationship and both in university. I had 2 relationship from the past one was in high school where a guy i was friends with broke up with his gf, he was really sad and i wanted to help him/had a crush on him so we out for a few weeks until he and his ex got back together so i was naturally dumped. Then the second time was at high school grad, i only went out with him because he wanted to bring someone to grad since everyone had a date and he was nice enough. However after grad he didnt want to be that guy that only had a gf for a night so our relationship tethered on for few more month until he went away for uni so it "naturally" came to an end.

Now to my current bf.

We meet through a mutual friend and hit off really well. He treats me really, really well, we have solid communication, loyalty, etc and despite little flaws that is in everyone i truely felt i would end up marrying him in the future and we would have a solid marriage because all our values match. However as the month crept by im beginning to not for sure and the nagging voices are becoming more and more frequent, and it is because of his weight.

When we first started dating i knew he wasnt the most skinny but he isnt fat either. But through our 1 yr relationship he has steadily gained some (not sure how much). This def became apparent when i went to his house for the first time last week and saw some of his childhood/graduation photos and lets just say he did NOT lose weight as he aged... the older he got the heavier he got... and at 21 he is sitting at 200+ pounds!!! and he is 5 feet 7!! and the majority of his weight is definitely concentrated around his belly and it is protruding out....

It is summer time now so when i walk around the university i see 20 some old guys with muscles, without muscles, but rarely anyone this overweight at early 20 so it must not be normal :scratchhead: ? I love my boyfriend dearly but i feel that his weight is going to be a problem because if he is over 200 pounds this young it cannot be healthy! How heavy is he going to be when he is 50? will he even be alive at 50? And he also loves children a lot we used to talk about what we would name our kids but now i try to avoid the topic because if we have kids what if our kids become overweight and unhealthy? I would worry for them too...

My bf is a stubborn individual and i also know that he will never change himself until he wants to, and nor do i have the right to demand that he change. It was also made clear to me a while ago that he is content with his body when i hinted at that he go and exercise (he did go but it didnt last) and he told me that he knows he is overweight (wants to lose some but it is obviously not a priority from his actions )but is happy with what he eats and what he do that he see no reason to change (he loves burgers and meat and cant live a day without them, and aside from studying he just sits around and browse the internet and occasionally play some games). He takes care of his appearences so he doesnt let himself go completely, just does nothing about his weight. Ive also lurked around weight lose websites and from seeing the dedication of some of their members how much they exercise to lose weight and how careful they count their calories and the routine they follow he will NEVER be able to do unless it becomes his top top priority which he will also NEVER do.

So basically it boils down to either i walk or accept his weight. From my earlier dating history after some soul searching i find that i care about my partner's feelings alot. Even when i know a relationship is ending i still dont want to be the one that hurts their feelings, so walking away is very difficult especially how well he treats me i feel so guilty just thinking about it because i cant accept him for his flaws when he can accept mine. Sometimes when i just walk around campus and see all the normal average weight guys walk around i think to myself that i dont need a toned, 6 pac man, there are so many average guys around that i dont mind dating a less perfect guy than my boyfriend but who is much healthier. Then i hate myself for thinking these thoughts because i know my bf wouldnt be thinking of trading me in for a more perfect gf.

Please criticize me and be honest with what you say. Do you guys think i may be over stressing the issue of his weight? Both his parents are not overweight so is there a chance that maybe he will stop gaining? For couples who have had weight problem/other similar issues like depression or maybe addiction was it the right choice to stay or leave? Did you guys regret your decisions? Sorry for the long post i just wanted to get everything out and gain some insight from you more experienced folks

Thanks for reading.

 

[changedbeliefs]

My harshest opinion, sorry: your bf sounds like a lazy loser. Eats too much, and just goes online and plays games. He's 21, he should be up, active, being outside, something. Relationships aren't about "perfection," but you already show signs that you're just looking to settle into whatever is convenient. You haven't had many LTR's at all, you haven't even seen much of what's out there. The two you call LTR's, sound a whole lot like you just being someone's consolation prize for a while. Then there are these "glowing" words describing this relationship:

"He treats me really, really well, we have solid communication, loyalty, etc and despite little flaws that is in everyone i truely felt i would end up marrying him in the future and we would have a solid marriage because all our values match."

He treats you well, you like his values, and you guys communicate, so you're ready to get married?? Where's the "I am sooo into this guy!!!" My advice: you have but scratched the surface of the world, and this guy sounds like about a 4/10 at best. Could you maybe have the conversation, and get him to lose weight, and take care of himself? Maybe......maybe he'd do it for a while.....just for you....because you asked....how long would that hold up? OR...there's very likely a LOT of guys out there, who are doing that already, and they do it simply for themselvs, it's just who they are, which means it will probably be lasting, and not something you have to motivate them to do....it's just who they are. Why don't you find one of those guys? You have a whole world of options, you're actually allowed to be a little picky here!

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

Whatever you do, don't settle. You'll make a huge mistake if you let this relationship run towards marriage without feeling that physical attraction to him. Clearly you don't find him attractive relative to the other 20 somethings walking around fit and trim. You may think it's superficial and surface stuff only, but it's not. IMHO, it's very hard to have a lasting marriage when you don't feel that physical attraction to your partner, yet you see plenty of others walking around who you find a greater physical attraction to. It's ultimatum time IMHO.

 

[6301]

If your not comfortable with him then don't take the next step. All that says is using common sense if your getting married and there are things about him (his weight) that doesn't sit well with you.

You can't force him to lose weight. He has to do it on his own.

One piece of advice though. We all gain weight at some point and that means you too so I hope when the day comes when you add on a few pounds and it gathers around your thighs and ass and your husband mentions it to you, that you don't go all ballistic on him for him mentioning it to you.

 

[Unique Username]

You can't force someone else to eat healthy, lose weight or anything else.

If this is a deal breaker for you = then walk.

You are way too young to be debating this kind of issue.

HENCE WHY IT'S CALLED DATING

We can choose what kind of person and what kind of life we want to have.

Good lesson learned is that you can never CHANGE anyone...moving forward because of someone's "potential" is not a smart move/thing to do.

People Tell you and Show you who they are - listen, learn, believe it!

Good luck on your next relationship - learn from everything you do and experience.....make a mental note of your real deal breakers when dating the next guy.

 

[Coffee Amore]

For many dating is basically an interview for marriage.

No one should criticize you for feeling this way. You feel what you feel. It's not a matter of right or wrong.

Yes, that is an unhealthy weight for his height. If he's digging his own grave with his fork and knife, there's little you can do. I imagine it's hard to watch someone self-destructing slowly in front of you. You know this..you can't make him exercise or lose weight. That has to come entirely from within. He has to be motivated enough to make a radical change. No amount of begging or pleading or bargaining will make him do that and will only make him resent you. His health is entirely in his hands.

You also don't have to choose to be with someone who treats you well but whose weight problem bothers you over a fit person who treats you badly. Those aren't the only two choices. There's a happy middle ground. There are men who are at a normal weight or just slightly pudgy perhaps who will treat you well. This man isn't your only option. Don't settle. Whatever you do, don't swallow your feelings and go with things because it's the easy thing to do. Twenty years down the road, assuming you two are still married, you'll have deep regrets. Think really hard about things before you make a permanent commitment to him.

 

[Satya]

I just broke up with a man who was overweight, after dating for 8 months. He actually said to me initially that he was working on losing weight. I told him up front that I was always going to be concerned about his health and the ways in which he took care of himself. A bit of extra weight wouldn't bother me, but a lifestyle I can't just overlook. His habits said a lot about how he'd look after me or any potential children.

I just watched his actions, made sure I brought up wanting him to tell the truth about what he wanted, no matter what. I was transparent, hands off.

If he was really happy with his weight and lifestyle I wasn't about to try and change him, but I was prepared to let him go because it was just going to be draining on me to watch a man I love care so little for himself or his future.

Anyway, he didn't really want what he said he wanted, so I dumped him. I wasn't cruel, I was accepting and respectful as I could be. He pretty much acted like he knew he'd lied to me and himself, and given my past, I don't forgive liars.

 

[murphy5]

get him an account on myfitnesspal. it is pretty helpful at showing people how eating the right foods equals a healthy weight, and eating the wrong foods means weight gain. And it strongly encourages exercise too.

 

[goldfishcrackers]

Thank you guys for all of your inputs!

I just want to clarify that my bf isnt lazy, he just sits around too much because he is dedicated on getting his engineering degree, and those can be course work intensive so when he has some free time who wouldnt like to relax and do something fun? So i dont hate him for not working out because if i was in his shoes i dont think id be working our every other day either. In this since i feel like im over demanding. But we are both uni students and even though i dont work out i watch very carefully what i eat and when i eat, so i havent gained any weight.

I also feel like if i break up with him and find someone else im looking for perfection when i myself am not. I want someone who share similar values as me (who is loyal, kind, no communication problem, etc), who is healthy (no depression etc), no addictions (porn, alcohol, drug), treats me with respect and love, and preferably from a family with no divorce history. And i found all of that in my bf... except the healthy weight part... Do you guys think im too demanding with my expections? I know im offering all of the above to my bf but im not perfect, yet when I look the list above i feel like thats describing the perfect guy and there is no way i can find him... or is that list ok and i only think this way because i dont have a lot of dating history?

After some thinking today i feel that i should share his weight concern with him sometime soon anyways. I owe it to him to tell him why im considering my future with him but right now i still feel like my heart is torn because i do love him so much

 

[Thundarr]

Unhealthy is unattractive. On the list of positives and negatives, it's a big minus. It's really not the weight so much as how it's carried.

Telling him that his physical health is making you scared of a future with him is good IMO.

 

[EnjoliWoman]

I can appreciate the fact that you started dating him when he was a little overweight but as time passes, it has gotten worse. Most everything you mention is health related. Very little emphasis on appearance, but that is a factor as well. If you really care about him and want a future with him, then have that talk with him and emphasize health. If he is willing to do something he will.

He will have to want to do it himself. It's not comfortable or easy to change the status quo. But I think it's worth your having a discussion about health and lifestyle with him. Currently he hasn't lost anything because of weight - still has you, hasn't had any health issues yet, hasn't been turned down for a job because of physical appearance and the perception that goes with that. Plus the young often feel untouchable - he probably doesn't think about the future repercussions of his lifestyle.

Personally, I tend to gain weight and have to be very aware of what is in foods. He may not realize just how full of fat and calories some of his food choices are. My Fitness Pal (as mentioned above) is a free site and you can download an app on a phone. It has a huge database of foods in it - even name brands, generic store brands and restaurant meals.

I enter everything I eat and when I started I measured everything until I got accustomed to what a serving looked like. You can quickly see how it adds up. I also got a Body Media arm band - they are 95% accurate in calculating calorie burn. I wear it 24/7 except when I shower and it's been an eye opener. It has blue tooth technology so I sync it with my phone and it also links with My Fitness Pal so everything I consume is transferred and I can see how many calories I burn a day and how many I'm eating so I can aim for a calorie shortage.

Maybe he should just start with seeing how much he consumes. I had a pretty good idea of what I eat. But I was surprised to find out my body only burns about 1 calorie per minute when sitting around. That's only 60 calories an hour I can eat without gaining weight. Between the two I'm very aware of what goes in and what is burned off. Maybe that would help him be more aware.

 

[papa5280]

I know you're not married, but there's an old expression...

Women marry men hoping they'll change. Men marry women hoping they won't.

Your boyfriend is who he is. If you're saying you like him, except you wish he had muscles, that means you don't like him. He doesn't have muscles. It sounds like he is content with who he is. If you aren't, then leave. Why make both of you miserable?

 

[Thundarr]

Currently he hasn't lost anything because of weight - still has you, hasn't had any health issues yet, hasn't been turned down for a job because of physical appearance and the perception that goes with that. Plus the young often feel untouchable - he probably doesn't think about the future repercussions of his lifestyle.

:iagree:
Who wouldn't eat whatever they wanted and avoid exercise if there were no consequences. Food is a reward.

 

[goldfishcrackers]

@EnjoliWoman that sounds something i would do but considering its my bf there is NO WAY he'd do all that. Again its probably because he doesnt think that its nesscary. He think that he can continue to eat what he likes all his life because eating what you like makes you enjoy life, and who can blame him? Id like to eat everything i want too....

Im really nervous on bringing up his weight issue i mean weight is such a touchie subject you know? you just dont tell someone to their face they are ugly, so pointing out you are fat is so hurtful..

 

[Riley_Z]

When you bring up the weight issue how maturely is he handling the exchange?

By that I do not mean how eager is he to agree with you, but how does he manage his tone, word choice, time to let you speak, etc?

At his age I don't expect him to exchange a dialog on this well at all.

But how maturely he manages the exchange of ideas on his weight is the most important factor here.

 

[Openminded]

He has steadily gained weight. A pattern has been set. It would take a lot of motivation on his part to break it. Health is at stake here and not just appearance. The fact that his parents are not overweight is not an indicator he will stop gaining weight at some point.

Think very carefully about a life of stressing over his health.

 

[hawkeye]

Maybe he's depressed and has a bad thyroid.

 

[Riley_Z]

How does he handle the discussions though? When the subject comes up how does he manage that exchange?

 

[lifeistooshort]

If you don't want to jump a guy's bones when you're dating don't even contemplate marrying him. It won't get better and he'll end up here b!tching about his sex life, and you'll end up here whining that you're not attracted and sometimes give him duty sex to shut him up and don't want him but feel guilty because you have kids and don't want to hurt his feelings or break up their family.

Please stop being a people pleaser, you're ultimately not pleasing or helping anyone.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Little Lion]

Does your boyfriend eat on campus? I know college food isn't the greatest and money is tight. Maybe shopping for healthy foods and staying away from the junk would help.