Talk About Marriage banner

What do I do?

  • get over it, he picks his friends

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • normal to be sad, but don't worry

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • give female friend a chance

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • needs to be ended

    Votes: 22 100.0%
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have an awesome husband, and I do not think he's cheating or ever would. But he has befriended a woman (we'll call her Rachel) who is in love with his friend (Tom) so he became the middle man for them because Tom is unhappily married and fell into feelings and an affair w Rachel. Well, my husband and Rachel text for hours about Tom. And sometimes talk. But she thinks of him as her "priest" because he knows their story and he's the only one she can talk to. I asked my husband not to be their liason, but he says I'm being distrustful and overreacting even though he understands it's not a conventional sitiuation and he's not exactly condoning it. But he said he'd stop. Then a month and a half later and 4 times telling me they haven't text more than a few words, I saw on the cell bill that they text almost everyday and an average of 3 hrs to 6 hrs in a day adding up to over 3000 texts since I asked him to stop. He said he just didn't see the big deal and didn't tell me cause he knew I'd get mad over something that isn't a big deal. I called her and she said they hadn't text either, then I told her I know they have she was apologetic and it was her alcoholic paranoia (recovered) and having to lie for so long for Tom. So I tried to get over it and be her friend too, now I find out that they are talking about me, positive things, but also personal things. I had been drinking heavily and tossed the idea of AA around, but didn't feel it was a fit and am working on myself. And my husband and her are talking about me. It wasn't a whole lot, but it hurt my feelings. Like, he text her that I seemed happy and hadn't hardly drank, and she said "don't be naive, alcohol is a symptom" and a few ok things. It's not that I think they are talking badly, I just feel left out?? Or, jealous like they are forming this bond, he confides in her and she him. I often feel like I don't get much time with him, and he's talking more w her and being her "priest". I don't feel like he wants to be an ear for me. I feel sad and depressed fighting about it with him, he doesn't apologize really, and has the attitude like "you need to trust me" or, "don't tell me who my friends are". He's kind of understanding, but goes on being her buddy/priest. What do I do? What boundaries are acceptable to input?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
166 Posts
Inference : Seems ,There are indeed troubles ...he needs to be stopping it, etxting and the rest of the stuff, immediately...

Sentimentality and Sensitivity are two major factors for emotional vulnerability...


normally women are bigger liars n manipulators than men...yet even so called true men in the company of such women, easily become "great" liars and manipulators
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,453 Posts
The fact that you are uncomfortable with your H's friendship with this woman should be enough for him to put an immediate it end to it. You are not over-reacting, and the fact that he continued to text this woman after he'd told you that he'd stopped doing so will have eroded your trust even further. If he wants you to trust him, he needs to adhere to boundaries that protect your marriage and behave like a trustworthy spouse.


Your H shouldn't be discussing you or your marriage with a member of the opposite sex, nor should he be having private, intimate conversations (texts or otherwise) with her. This sort of behaviour in a marriage is dangerous because it can lead to a full blown affair.

I would try to get this across to him, OP, and if he won't listen I would suggest MC.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,617 Posts
Need to end. He is clearly emotionally attatched to this woman otherwise he would have no issue with stopping the textings. He is not being respectful to you.. his LIFE partner by dismissing your feelings and worries. Everytime he says things like... "you can't chose my friends" he is choosing her over you. My spouse and I have opposite sex friends as well but we talk to them a max of maybe three to five times a year. Certainly NOT on a daily basis. And these friends are people we have known for years.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
  • Like
Reactions: Maricha75

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,696 Posts
woman has no problem being the OW to his friend. Would she have a problem being the OW in your marriage?

Situation is bad enough with them making a fool of someones wife. You asked him to stop and he agreed and then didn't. That's not right. He lied to you. Even if no cheating is currently ongoing this is not something you should be tolerating.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
This needs to stop. my H EA started with him being someone she could talk now and then, accelarating to constant texting. This led to him giving me the ILYBNILWY speech and texting etc became more furtive and constant.

My H also said the same the same thing 'you cannot choose my friends, I know her situation, she doesn't have any one to talk to'

I have sent my H an article by Richard Nicastro ' Emotional Affair- have you entered a danger Zone' to read. He admitted that some of the things he did moved into EA territory, but even now does not own up to being in one as he said nothing happened.

For me, I felt enormously betrayed. stop this before it gets out of control and much harder for them to stop. I Wish I did more to stop it when they first got back in contact on FB.

I have been given the speech in Oct, and only now are we beginning to really reconnect completely again. Your H should be expending his time and energy in you not someone else.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
It needs to stop. Dealt/dealing with simular situation and eventually they plan on meeting. He needs to put an end to it now. She should have other women friends to confide in. Ones that will tell her she's wrong for getting involved with a married man. Does your husband tell her this? I doubt it or she wouldn't keep going to him for counsel.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
556 Posts
Are you overreacting? I'm not sure if you reacted enough...

It needs to come to an end... particularly since he's already lied about it.

Explain it again. Don't yell or scream; just simply state why it's not acceptable. Use your own words or what we've said here or whatever. If he still gives you a hard time, again, without yelling- matter of factly tell him. "I won't accept a third person in our marriage. If you value a friendship over our marriage, there's the door."

And you have to mean it. Boundaries are useless without consequences.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
Uh, the woman goes after married men, right out in the open and has no shame. Ya, you should be very worried. And your husband, who expects you to just sit there and take it, is in dream-land.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
I read some of his texts and he's telling her that she's crazy for waiting for the married guy, and then they'll chat about little stuff, then he'll say he loves me so much. She'll say that he and I are so cute and a great couple. It's all so confusing. My husband is so secure and I do trust him, but I can't help but to feel she is crossing the line. We've talked about it like 6 times, and it keeps ending with "there's no concern, I never have and never will be attracted to her, she's nice but messed up, you'd really like her if you just hung out with her" I still feel wierd and jealous, they don't seem to get it. He says cause there's nothing more than friendship to get.
He says she is completely obsessed and in love with his friend, and he's the only connection to them. Now they have talked for a year and a half about him, and they've developed an innocent friendship.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
Personally, there's no room in my marriage for other females. If that makes me sound jealous and weird, so be it. Better than ending up getting cheated on with the 'friend'.

Just keep in mind (or ask anyone in the CWI section) that these innocent friendships often blossom into full blown affairs. And the woman has done it before. Just sayin'!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
I read some of his texts and he's telling her that she's crazy for waiting for the married guy, and then they'll chat about little stuff, then he'll say he loves me so much. She'll say that he and I are so cute and a great couple. It's all so confusing. My husband is so secure and I do trust him, but I can't help but to feel she is crossing the line. We've talked about it like 6 times, and it keeps ending with "there's no concern, I never have and never will be attracted to her, she's nice but messed up, you'd really like her if you just hung out with her" I still feel wierd and jealous, they don't seem to get it. He says cause there's nothing more than friendship to get.
He says she is completely obsessed and in love with his friend, and he's the only connection to them. Now they have talked for a year and a half about him, and they've developed an innocent friendship.
I think the question is, what are you prepared to do? You've talked about it with him, told him your concerns about her, and he insists that you trust him. He doesn't intend to end the friendship... at least not right now.

You can only control yourself. The way I see it, you have 2 options:

1) trust him and let it go

2) issue an ultimatum and follow through

What are you prepared to do?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
I think the question is, what are you prepared to do? You've talked about it with him, told him your concerns about her, and he insists that you trust him. He doesn't intend to end the friendship... at least not right now.

You can only control yourself. The way I see it, you have 2 options:

1) trust him and let it go

2) issue an ultimatum and follow through

What are you prepared to do?
And since he has no intention of ending the friendship, # 2 seems to be the only thing that ever works with these numbskulls...
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,546 Posts
This could be dangerous and your gut is telling you so. Listen to it but be caareful how you approach it. Because you are after results not out and out fights over it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
273 Posts
Tell him he can have all the female friends he wants and spend as much time as he likes with them.

But not if he wants to remain married to you.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
86 Posts
Does Tom know how much they are in contact with each other? How does he feel about it?

Why is your husband so willing to have an intimate relationship with his friends mistress?

Would he be quite so understanding if you had 3000 texts in a few weeks with a man who was dating your married friend?

What times/places is he doing all this texting? Is it in front of you, or when he should be spending time with you? If he has a job, is he texting her while he should be working?

I think you need to reiterate to him that whilst you are willing to believe that it is not sexual, it isn't good for a marriage for the man to spend so much time interacting with his friends mistress. If he is spending hours texting her, its taking time away from either his job and/or time with his wife. He needs to scale way back on their interactions.

And by this time, why hasn't Tom either ended their relationship or left his wife? Not a very nice guy either if he continues to betray his wife, unhappy or not.
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top