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My husband is way too much for me. Aside from wanting sex (and not having it all that often lately), he constantly touches me, rubs my arms or head, wants to be hugged, etc. He wants a deeply romantic relationship after almost 25 years. He feels I am disconnected because I am less affectionate or because I do not trust that he is not trying to get me to want sex. But, truly, I feel less attracted to him than ever (things wore off), I love him more as a friend (my best friend) and we raise our four kids together. I really want either an open marriage (so he can turn his huge affection to someone else and I can find someone to whom I am attracted) or a marriage based on a deeper better friendship where he can respect my not feeling a huge surge of desire. I think marriage should handle the ups and downs of wanting sex but if marriage is a sex-required thing, I have one foot out the door. Do many women feel sex is a requirement?
Do you feel guilty if you swat away a husband who makes himself too available?
I feel guilty all the time. But our many drawn out talks lead him to the wrong conclusions (that I am unaffectionate, low libido etc.) I have been deeply honest with him but he seems not to get the message.
Huffington Post had a great article on platonic parenting and I wish we could fall into that model.
 

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Not sure your situation is so uncommon after 25 years. I think as young couples one of those things we explore together for many years is our sexuality. Speaking from a majority stand point, women's hormones do not generate the sexual desires like our male partners. When a man constantly associates touching to sex, whereas we females may just need touching, we tend to want/desire sex less from our husbands. We want sex but we do not want it forced upon us, we don't want it to be obligatory and we do not want to be thought of only as fulfilling our husband's sexual needs. If we do, we feel used and our elf-worth goes into the toilet.

Your husband needs to understand this process and how you feel towards sex. You need to be able to express your needs to him instead of just avoiding him or feeling repulsed by his touch. he feels that you are not interested, he needs to understand how to meet your needs.

I have been married 24 years and fully understand what you are saying here. I have thought many times of that affair that would spark my interests than be with the man I feel unloved by but you have to think in reality, that is purely fantasy and it would involve alot more hurt in the long run of things. You really do not want your husband to turn his affection towards someone else, that is hard to watch your spouse fall in love with someone besides you. Put those thoughts aside and concentrate on trying to express to your husband what you need from him.
 

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If you are "happilymarriedtoagreatguy" why do you have one foot out the door? If he is a great guy, why aren't you wanting to jump his bones? Isn't that part of enjoying a great guy?
 

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Your chosen name is sad as you have named yourself married to a great guy, i think this is what everyone would want if they were honest, I am married to a great guy and i would walk through fire for him.... I also agree with the PP, If this guy is such a great guy then why is your foot out the door?..

I do think sex is an requirement, but i would hate it if my husband felt that he HAD to make love to me, and NOT want to.

I think its great to be touched, rubbed, have your arms and head touched, it makes you feel loved, and wanted :).

An open marriage is only fair if both wants it... otherwise its NOT going to work and you will be Cheating on him, and that is no way fair, if its something you want, and not what he wants (I cant see him wanting this if i am honest)... sounds like he really loves you.

But if hes not what you want then maybe its time to call it a day.
 

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I have been deeply honest with him but he seems not to get the message.
He probably cannot believe the true level of disrespect and revulsion you feel for him. (I know, I know, you are "besties")

If my wife told me she wanted an open marriage so she could be with someone she is attracted to it would be the end of our relationship.

Were you "deeply honest" about this?

If you genuinely have any care or respect for this man divorce him, so he stops making a fool out of himself by living under your disgust and rejection and let him find a woman who can really appreciate a "great guy". If you "love" him set him free!

I wish you both the best, take care.
 

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I know I didn't sign up to be someone's buddy or roommate. If I had to take my sexual/intimacy needs outside the marriage, I might as well take everything else. Maintaining a roommate for the purpose of raising kids may sound plausible but sooner or later kids grow up and leave. Then you're left with the "buddy" who's spent years proving they have little interest or regard for you. If my alleged partner can't find it in themselves to at least try to tend to my reasonable sexual, emotional, intimacy needs, what good are they? How could I trust them to take care of me should I become disabled, sick, or injured? If I follow, you want him to find love elsewhere but continue to bring his paycheck home? Maybe do some chores around the house? I don't believe I'd pursue such a course. Odds are good that once he found someone who showed him respect and love, he'd feel little need to toss much of anything your way. Once he discovers what he's been missing and what he could have been enjoying all along, his opinion of you probably would plummet greatly.
 

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I have been deeply honest with him but he seems not to get the message.
He probably cannot believe the true level of disrespect and revulsion you feel for him. (I know, I know, you are "besties")

If my wife told me she wanted an open marriage so she could be with someone she is attracted to it would be the end of our relationship.

Were you "deeply honest" about this?

If you genuinely have any care or respect for this man divorce him so he stops making a fool out of himself and let him find a woman who can really appreciate a "great guy".

I wish you both the best, take care.
I cannot agree more!

Marriage is an institution where the participants are pretty well compelled to share themselves, albeit the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Whether it is your earnings, or even your lack thereof; your earthly endowments, your shared psychology and hormones, the children that you bring into the world, the levels of your faith in God, your political or social leanings, your physical or mental securities or insecurities, your commonalities, your divergent differences, your fears or phobias, or your inherent trials or tribulations; that is what makes marriage the unique partnership that it was so designed to be! It is also contingent upon the both of you to try to lovingly fix or remedy that relationship without fear, consternation, or seeking out the conjugal or sexual help of other like partners. Marriage is and always should be only about the two of you

Have the two of you, in good faith, ever sought out MC in order to help you begin to overcome these many shortcomings?

If you, in good faith, can no longer comply with its precepts, then you should do the honorable thing and release him from that bond!

To do otherwise, is living in nothing more than a sham of a relationship!
 

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After 25 years together he stills wants you, stills wants to hold your hand, still thinks you beautiful, stills wants to spend time with you, and you want none of it, is this what you to role model for your children... Is this what your children should know that the shelf life of a sexual marriage, a deeply loving marriage is 25 years....I get it things get stale but if you love each other you both can grow further with each other....but your attitude while honest is callus , and unwilling to try to rekindle what once was loss....he is more then meeting you half way and your looking for the exit....open marriage is an exit for you......you don't deserve him......
 

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Sounds exactly like the post my wife would write... After all people over 50 don't touch, don't have sex all that often, and sleep in separate beds :D

Of course that's her perception and she's entitled to it. Reality is quite different. I suppose if you're against any affection at this point, any amount seems too much.

Platonic Parenting... Alert :D maybe when your "great guy" husband turns into me maybe you'll understand.
 

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After 25 years together he stills wants you, stills wants to hold your hand, still thinks you beautiful, stills wants to spend time with you, and you want none of it, is this what you to role model for your children... Is this what your children should know that the shelf life of a sexual marriage, a deeply loving marriage is 25 years....I get it things get stale but if you love each other you both can grow further with each other....but your attitude while honest is callus , and unwilling to try to rekindle what once was loss....he is more then meeting you half way and your looking for the exit....open marriage is an exit for you......you don't deserve him......
THIS!!!

I would recommend you read His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley... it may help you to see outside of yourself and understand how your husband is trying to love you and be loved by you.
 

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My husband is way too much for me. Aside from wanting sex (and not having it all that often lately), he constantly touches me, rubs my arms or head, wants to be hugged, etc. He wants a deeply romantic relationship after almost 25 years. He feels I am disconnected because I am less affectionate or because I do not trust that he is not trying to get me to want sex. But, truly, I feel less attracted to him than ever (things wore off), I love him more as a friend (my best friend) and we raise our four kids together. I really want either an open marriage (so he can turn his huge affection to someone else and I can find someone to whom I am attracted) or a marriage based on a deeper better friendship where he can respect my not feeling a huge surge of desire. I think marriage should handle the ups and downs of wanting sex but if marriage is a sex-required thing, I have one foot out the door. Do many women feel sex is a requirement?Do you feel guilty if you swat away a husband who makes himself too available?
I feel guilty all the time. But our many drawn out talks lead him to the wrong conclusions (that I am unaffectionate, low libido etc.) I have been deeply honest with him but he seems not to get the message.
Huffington Post had a great article on platonic parenting and I wish we could fall into that model.
Many people would be utterly thrilled to have their partner still display affection and want a romantic relationship, especially after 25 years together. I'd be tickled pink to be with a man who was affectionate outside of sex. That's one of the many things that was sadly missing in my now-defunct marriage.

Yes, marriage is a sex-required thing. It's actually right there in the vows - that whole "forsaking all others, keeping only unto him/her, as long as you both shall live" bit describes a monogamous pairing. It does not describe celibacy. And, yes, many women do feel that a good sexual relationship is a requirement for a happy marriage.

Yes, I would feel guilty about swatting away my partner. I can't imagine hurting him that way. Sexual fulfillment is a legitimate emotional need for many people, particularly men. It's highly likely that he feels love through sex and through the affection he shows you. Swatting him away is literally swatting his love away. That's just cruel.

OP, I highly recommend you read the book cons suggested above. His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. You describe being almost repulsed by your husband, and that you are no longer attracted to him. That book may help you figure out what each of you needs to do to create romantic love in your relationship, so that you're attracted to him and he's meeting your needs. Usually, a loving, romantic, connected marriage is one that meets each person's needs - and that's going to include sex.

Or, just get a divorce and allow your husband to find a more compatible partner. But, good luck finding a man who agrees that sex isn't a requirement in a marriage......
 

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I felt an incredible sadness reading the OP. It would be my nightmare to have loved and invested my life in a partner that no longer loved and desired me. I know it happens but god that would hurt. BTW- My wife and I have been married nearly 30 years and we are still getting it done on a regular basis. It would be more if I could get the last of the kids out of the house :). They move out and then come back and we have to relaunch them. We even moved away and they still found us :)

An occupational slap of the hands when I am hugging or kissing my wife and people are around I can live with but to find out she no longer loved (desired) me would be devastating.

For me and many men love and sex are tightly linked. Yes there is much more to a loving relationship but affection/physical needs are my number #1 love language. Without it I would not see the need to be married. A divorce would take my financial assets anyways so why stay married to someone who doesn't love me. I'd willingly give up half I own to to be free to be with a women who would appreciate that I need to touch, kiss and hold her. That she is so special to me that I want and need to make love to her.

My suggestion is let the poor man go. Maybe he can find love again. Its still so sad because he probably loves the OP very deeply and is genuinely clueless as to how she really feels about him.
 

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I agree y'all. My H pats and loves on me all the time, to the degree that we get comments about it from strangers saying it inspires them. I wouldn't have it any other way.
 

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I once read a "Dear Abby" where a long-time wife started with how her H said that he's no longer interested in sex with her. Now, I expected her to go on wondering what she did wrong, how she could get the affection back, etc...
But instead, she continued that she wishes he would have said that sooner, that she HATES sex with him, that she's felt this way since before they were married, that even though she loves him "with all her heart", she thinks that he is disgusting, etc...

Frankly, I think that marriage is a compromise and a team effort, and that both partners must sometimes do things that they don't like, because it means a lot to the other spouse. Go to any department store, antique show or "chick flick", and you will see men there that would much rather be elsewhere, but they go anyway because they are mature MARRIED people.

If you're looking for people to say: "You go girl, put your foot down and show him the door, because sex not on a woman's terms is demeaning and degrading, and all men are perverts who think that wives are nothing more than sex slaves..." , well, you got a million Oprah-style talk shows that you can watch that will encourage you to be selfish and totally disregard your H's needs.

And eventually, you will get your wish: you will no longer be "happilymarriedtogreatguy".
 

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As sad as this is, this is pretty similar to what my wife is telling me. I'm pretty affectionate, kissing her on her forehead, hugging her from behind, smelling her hair, caressing her...etc. She says she feels like she's my DOG, because I'm petting her and asks to be left alone.
 

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I am your husband... the man you are married to for 30 years with 3 amazing children. I want to hold you and touch you, caress you with tenderness, kiss you and just look at you, drinking in your beauty. I am the man who when he looks at the wrinkles around your eyes, sees all the times you've smiled. I am the man who when he looks at the creases growing between your eyes, sees all the times you worried about our child who was sick. I am the man who when he looks at the lines growing down from your mouth, sees all the times you were sad and cried. I am the man who sees your beasts sagging from age and sees my baby girl nursing as you nurtured her into the beautiful woman she is today. I am that man who gets jealous when i see other men look at you and want to take you from me and fvck you. I am the man who would give his life for you, who would give the world away just to hear you say "i love you". I am the husband who never tires of your company, who is soothed by hearing your voice, who does not seek the pleasures of another woman's arms. I am the man who cherishes the floor you walk on, who smells your blouse when i pick it up off the floor to put in the laundry and makes my head swim. I am the man who wants to feel your skin against mine, who wants to feel you want me, need me, desire me. I am the man who feels complete when i am inside of you, kissing you, smelling you, loving you.

I am your husband. I don't understand why you don't want to touch me. I don't understand why you don't want to make me feel good, feel desired, feel appreciated. I am the father of your children. I don't understand why you don't look at me with deep love for giving you and caring for the greatest gifts the world has to offer.

Why do you want to hurt me? Why do you tell me to find someone else when all I want is you? Why do you want to be with another man when the one for you is right in front of you and still wants you? Why do you want to throw away 30 beautiful years of memories?

Why don't you love me?
Why are you so selfish?
Why are you so cold?
Why don't you appreciate me for who I am?
Why aren't you attracted to me?
Why don't you want me?

Why?

You hurt me with your rejections.
You hurt me with your coldness.
You hurt me with your words, your looks, your withdrawal, your withholdance.
You hurt me with your angry glances and winching from my touch.
You hurt me over and over again....

Yet...
I love you more than anything in the World.

I am your husband.
And I am alone in a cruel world.
With the woman i love
Who doesn't love me back.

Why?

Do you I have to read and implement No More Mr. Nice Guy and become a prick?
Do I have to read MMSLP and become more independent and not need you?
Do I have to find someone who will deeply love me and throw you away like a piece of trash?
Do I have to break my heart... when all I want to do... is... love you?

Darling, I love you, I need you, I want you.

I am your loving husband, your best friend, your true confident and the greatest guy on the Planet.

Why don't you love me?

Why?
 

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Tell you what, OP, why don't you show your H your first post, where you alluded to the fact that you are thinking of finding a better man? I sounds like you really don't want to be married to him.
 
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I am your husband... the man you are married to for 30 years with 3 amazing children. I want to hold you and touch you, caress you with tenderness, kiss you and just look at you, drinking in your beauty. I am the man who when he looks at the wrinkles around your eyes, sees all the times you've smiled. I am the man who when he looks at the creases growing between your eyes, sees all the times you worried about our child who was sick. I am the man who when he looks at the lines growing down from your mouth, sees all the times you were sad and cried. I am the man who sees your beasts sagging from age and sees my baby girl nursing as you nurtured her into the beautiful woman she is today. I am that man who gets jealous when i see other men look at you and want to take you from me and fvck you. I am the man who would give his life for you, who would give the world away just to hear you say "i love you". I am the husband who never tires of your company, who is soothed by hearing your voice, who does not seek the pleasures of another woman's arms. I am the man who cherishes the floor you walk on, who smells your blouse when i pick it up off the floor to put in the laundry and makes my head swim. I am the man who wants to feel your skin against mine, who wants to feel you want me, need me, desire me. I am the man who feels complete when i am inside of you, kissing you, smelling you, loving you.

I am your husband. I don't understand why you don't want to touch me. I don't understand why you don't want to make me feel good, feel desired, feel appreciated. I am the father of your children. I don't understand why you don't look at me with deep love for giving you and caring for the greatest gifts the world has to offer.

Why do you want to hurt me? Why do you tell me to find someone else when all I want is you? Why do you want to be with another man when the one for you is right in front of you and still wants you? Why do you want to throw away 30 beautiful years of memories?

Why don't you love me?
Why are you so selfish?
Why are you so cold?
Why don't you appreciate me for who I am?
Why aren't you attracted to me?
Why don't you want me?

Why?

You hurt me with your rejections.
You hurt me with your coldness.
You hurt me with your words, your looks, your withdrawal, your withholdance.
You hurt me with your angry glances and winching from my touch.
You hurt me over and over again....

Yet...
I love you more than anything in the World.

I am your husband.
And I am alone in a cruel world.
With the woman i love
Who doesn't love me back.

Why?

Do you I have to read and implement No More Mr. Nice Guy and become a prick?
Do I have to read MMSLP and become more independent and not need you?

Do I have to find someone who will deeply love me and throw you away like a piece of trash?
Do I have to break my heart... when all I want to do... is... love you?

Darling, I love you, I need you, I want you.

I am your loving husband, your best friend, your true confident and the greatest guy on the Planet.

Why don't you love me?

Why?
The answer to these questions is the "red pill" that some people here disparage. Yes, there really are biological reasons that women fall out of love, and it is SOMETIMES possible to get things back on the right track if they haven't gone too far in the wrong direction.

It's a lot easier to stop this from happening in the first place than to correct it, but unfortunately most people don't start looking for answers until things have gotten pretty bad...

Oh, one point: being a prick isn't the only alternative to being a "nice guy". It's possible to be a man.
 
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