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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
DH's son came to visit us recently (I mentioned this before - when DH dropped him off he somehow managed to watch female recruits getting changed :mad:).

I've been pondering over something his son said when here. I know I'm over-reacting and being stupid though, but it hurt me nonetheless.

DH & I were sitting next to each other on the sofa, his son on the other one. We were playing around & I 'poked' DH. His son then said he should hit me. DH gave him a look, but SS said "dad you used to hit 'friend' when he poked you, it's only fair if you hit sunshine too - you can't treat her differently just because she's a woman".

I know it sounds 'tongue-in-cheek', but what upsets me is that 1) I am his wife, not a male 'friend', but even more - that DH didn't set his son straight. I feel that to SS I am just the same a 'friend', not more important... I don't even know what I'm trying to say here, it just upsets me. More so, that DH has a temper, and has (in the past) been aggressive, in a way I'm sure this friend never experienced. DH should have been sensitive to that, not laughing at his son's suggestion he hit me.

I guess this is all ridiculous really, and the least of our very big problems, but all the same.

This was also said in front of our toddler too - so teach a child that daddy should hit mummy - even as a joke I think DH should have spoken up.
 

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"dad you used to hit 'friend' when he poked you, it's only fair if you hit sunshine too - you can't treat her differently just because she's a woman".
He's right. One of the triumphs of the equal rights movement is that we're allowed to beat the hell out of women just like we do with our guy friends. You don't get to pick and choose what's equal and what isn't.

The real answer is that he doesn't hit you because he doesn't need to hit you. He doesn't hit his friend because his friend is a man, but his friend needs to be hit before he will stop. If a woman was being relentlessly annoying, she too would get hit.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
He has hit me in the past, when he's been angry. That's why I think I'm so sensitive to it... because obviously his son doesn't know that his dad has real anger issues & has taken it on me, so makes a joke that really isn't funny
 

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He has hit me in the past, when he's been angry. That's why I think I'm so sensitive to it... because obviously his son doesn't know that his dad has real anger issues & has taken it on me, so makes a joke that really isn't funny
Maybe it bothers you so much because while you know living with an abusive spouse is a horrible way to live, now a small child has identified it and in essence shined a bright light on it.

Are you upset or embarrassed? I think I would be the latter. And if your husband didn't tell his son it was wrong to hit others (not that he would because he's a violent person) YOU should have said it for him. Why not stand up for yourself?
 

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I'm just going to be honest...let it go. How old is he anyway? Kids just say whatever sometimes and it's not always a jab. With stepkids you have to be really really careful about the battles you pick. Bios are already overly sensitive about anything you say about their children from the beginning. They've got all kind of guilt issues and what not and you don't need to add to that by pointing out every little thing you think his kid does. Only point out the really serious stuff and this will not be serious to him. I know it is to you, but trust me if you make a big deal out of this your dh is going to turn it into you picking on his kid.
 

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He has hit me in the past, when he's been angry. That's why I think I'm so sensitive to it... because obviously his son doesn't know that his dad has real anger issues & has taken it on me, so makes a joke that really isn't funny
Maybe get him to explain to his son that jumping to violence is not the right thing to do, and he was wrong when he did that in the past. Violence should be used for defense rather than offense, and it should be a last resort. This seems logically consistent, he admits that his past actions were wrong, and it gives a simple rule to follow.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I didn't say anything to DH. His son is in his early 20s, so doesn't qualify as a kid (he may think he is, but both DH & I had kids by his age).

His son does lots of things to undermine me, but I NEVER say anything to DH, and try to be as accommodating as possible.

In the past his son has 'quipped' about DH getting sexually aroused by the women on the tv, or how much he fancies other women etc. Stuff designed to let me know that I'm easily replaceable & nothing special.

I guess I'm more touchy as I blame him (indirectly) for the death of our second child.
 

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Well, I don't understand why you didn't speak up yourself. First off, this 20-year old is a grown man, and you're a grown woman. There's no reason you *must* wait for your husband to stand up for you. By standing up for yourself, you'd send a clear message that it's not ok to treat you like that - the hitting OR the encouraging.
 

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He has hit me in the past, when he's been angry. That's why I think I'm so sensitive to it... because obviously his son doesn't know that his dad has real anger issues & has taken it on me, so makes a joke that really isn't funny
I would not playfully "poke" a man that hits me.

But I wouldn't be living with him either.
 

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His son does lots of things to undermine me, but I NEVER say anything to DH, and try to be as accommodating as possible.

In the past his son has 'quipped' about DH getting sexually aroused by the women on the tv, or how much he fancies other women etc. Stuff designed to let me know that I'm easily replaceable & nothing special.
Maybe get him to fantasize about sleeping with you. When he points out some cute woman on TV, say you've had better. Dress extra sexy when he's around, but don't direct any sexual behavior in his direction. His young brain will think he has a chance with you, so he'll start kissing your ass and being helpful.
 

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DH's son came to visit us recently (I mentioned this before - when DH dropped him off he somehow managed to watch female recruits getting changed :mad:).

I've been pondering over something his son said when here. I know I'm over-reacting and being stupid though, but it hurt me nonetheless.

DH & I were sitting next to each other on the sofa, his son on the other one. We were playing around & I 'poked' DH. His son then said he should hit me. DH gave him a look, but SS said "dad you used to hit 'friend' when he poked you, it's only fair if you hit sunshine too - you can't treat her differently just because she's a woman".

I know it sounds 'tongue-in-cheek', but what upsets me is that 1) I am his wife, not a male 'friend', but even more - that DH didn't set his son straight. I feel that to SS I am just the same a 'friend', not more important... I don't even know what I'm trying to say here, it just upsets me. More so, that DH has a temper, and has (in the past) been aggressive, in a way I'm sure this friend never experienced. DH should have been sensitive to that, not laughing at his son's suggestion he hit me.

I guess this is all ridiculous really, and the least of our very big problems, but all the same.

This was also said in front of our toddler too - so teach a child that daddy should hit mummy - even as a joke I think DH should have spoken up.
No, you're not overreacting or being stupid. They sound like a pair of a$$holes. Evidently the son has witnessed his dad's abusive behavior over the years, and thinks it is okay. It's not. What you need to do next time is say - "jokingly" (i.e. with intent) - "hey, [stepson], it's against the law to go around hitting people, and I would call the cops if your dad ever did hit me." Message sent. Whether it's received or understood is another thing, but seriously - what a douche this kid must be.

Also, the comments about women on tv - douches x 2.
 

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He's right. One of the triumphs of the equal rights movement is that we're allowed to beat the hell out of women just like we do with our guy friends. You don't get to pick and choose what's equal and what isn't.

The real answer is that he doesn't hit you because he doesn't need to hit you. He doesn't hit his friend because his friend is a man, but his friend needs to be hit before he will stop. If a woman was being relentlessly annoying, she too would get hit.
I am floored by this response. No you you're not allowed "to beat the hell out of women." You're not "allowed" to beat the hell out of anyone.
 

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I am floored by this response. No you you're not allowed "to beat the hell out of women." You're not "allowed" to beat the hell out of anyone.
I think that the post was meant to be sarcastic/cynical to highlight that it's not about her being a female, even though the kid couched his message like that was why.
 

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OP you teach people how to treat you. I'm not putting all of what's going on solely on the a-hole father and son duo, you have a great responsibility here too.

You're not a victim, nor are you helpless to your circumstances. If you keep thinking that you deserve this treatment in some way, then you'll only continue to get more of the same. NEVER speaking up for yourself has put you in this situation which over the years has netted you more and more disrespect.

If you don't like the way you're being treated then you need to do something about it. These idiots aren't going to change.
 

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Maybe get him to fantasize about sleeping with you. When he points out some cute woman on TV, say you've had better. Dress extra sexy when he's around, but don't direct any sexual behavior in his direction. His young brain will think he has a chance with you, so he'll start kissing your ass and being helpful.
Are you fvcking KIDDING ME?? DISGUSTING!!
 

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Are you fvcking KIDDING ME?? DISGUSTING!!
You know I'm right. Sex is a powerful tool, just like a gun. You need to aim it at humans before it does anything useful, just like a gun :smthumbup:

I remember one of the engineering teachers was a woman with big boobs. She would wear low cut tops every single day. The class, which was all men, absolutely loved her. I hated her because she was an idiot who sucked at math and couldn't explain anything, but the other students didn't seem to care.
 

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He has hit me in the past, when he's been angry. That's why I think I'm so sensitive to it... because obviously his son doesn't know that his dad has real anger issues & has taken it on me, so makes a joke that really isn't funny
What? Hit you like how? as in open hand slap or punch?....Did you call the cops? This can't be real. How can you put up with this type of disrespect. Right then and there you should have checked the son.
 
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