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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
A little background: My dad, (who was a pastor) physically abused me when I was a kid. Then, I was manipulated into a relationship with a man who was 11 years older than me when I was 18. We dated for five years. I ended it because he became physically abusive. It was extremely traumatizing and I suffered PTSD symptoms for years. I sought help, and tried to get my life on track.

My husband and I have been married for just a little over a year. In that time, he has been fired from four consecutive jobs. He is generally unreliable, and all four times has initially denied any wrong-doing.

My parents divorced eventually over financial issues-- I don't know why my mom didn't leave my dad when he started hitting me! My father also couldn't keep a job. My husband's parent's filed for bankruptcy, and at one point lived in a one car garage with their four kids. They stuck it out and are still married. My husband doesn't understand how scared I feel when he gets fired over and over. He doesn't seem to really care.

When he proposed, he bought a ring on a line of credit, and didn't make a single payment until it was sent to collections! I couldn't wear my ring because it stood as a reminder of what an irresponsible fool he was instead of the love and commitment it's supposed to represent. We recently celebrated our one year anniversary and he gave me a plastic headband from Forever 21. Seriously.

He has $50k+ in debt, and had no idea what to do, and so chose to do nothing. I asked him to please take the responsibility for it and address it. I asked and asked instead of doing it for him, but eventually, I just had to do it all for him because he defaulted and it was too pressing to wait anymore. It is so frustrating it makes my head feel like it is going to explode!

I signed us up for counseling (with a licensed professional, not a pastor) because I just couldn't take it and I needed a third party to help us. We've been going for about three months. He goes to counseling, but doesn't really get it. He doesn't realize that it requires effort on his part to fix the problem.

In addition, I asked our pastor to meet with my husband and talk to him about responsibility and work. Our pastor said, "Well, I already talked to him very directly about this, but I will give it another shot." My husband lost two more jobs after that meeting.

Recently, my husband yelled at me during an argument, and given my history of abuse, I asked him to please not yell at me because it scared me. He said, "That was five years ago-- get over it!" Meaning, the terror of living in fear is something I should just "get over," especially since it was a whole five years ago. It was devastating and I don't know how to even begin to forgive him.

I am so frustrated. I am embarrassed that my husband has been fired four times in a row. I am embarrassed that I married a man who is so astoundingly incapable of doing basic things like keeping a job, taking financial responsibility seriously, and treating his wife with respect. I am ashamed of him, and I find that it is entirely impossible to trust him at this point.

I have asked myself, "Why did you marry this guy??!?" I feel like I've made a huge mistake, and I'm feeling hopeless and depressed. I feel like this is doomed to fail, and maybe I should just cut my losses now before I waste any more of my life with this guy. I don't want to give up and just divorce him, but I am afraid that he is taking it there anyway. I want to know that I fought hard for our marriage, and tried everything before I decide to give up.

Since he is a procrastinator, I fear that he is just waiting until I have the divorce papers in front of him before he wakes up-- and by then it will be too late. I'm not going to wait around the rest of my life for him to treat me with respect. In light of his track record with employment, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he is not doing anything to prevent "getting fired" from marriage.

I am reading, journaling, praying, consulting trusted friends, and doing everything that our counselor has suggested. He said tonight that he thinks that if we pray and have faith that God can and will miraculously heal our marriage. He frequently uses God as an excuse to get out of putting forth any effort-- "if it's God's will, He'll do the work!" I believe that God can change our hearts so we can make better choices, but God gave us free will, and He respects us too much to control us like robots. He wants us to decide to do the right thing. My husband just doesn't want to have to do that hard part of doing the right thing.

I asked for advice on another site, and several people said I was the stupid one for marrying him in the first place. I didn't think that was very kind or helpful advice... I do feel stupid for marrying him. And knowing what I know now, I wish I hadn't!

He wasn't like this when we were dating. He was much more independent, and sensitive to my feelings. He had a job the whole time we dated, he was so punctual it bugged me, and he was so kind and loving. Now he glares at me and stands really close like he's trying to intimidate me and I'm getting nervous that he's just like the other abusers in my life. I'm getting nervous that he's going to hurt me eventually, but I might just be overreacting. It's hard to know sometimes.

1. Why does he avoid responsibility?
2. Why doesn't he recognize any wrong doing on his part?
3. Can he change? If so, how?
4. Is this even worth saving?
5. What else can I do to make this work?


Thanks for your help, please be nice. :(
 

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I am sorry to hear/read all of this.

I am Sorry to say this, But you need to get out of this relationship, you need to move on.

Thre are plenty of people out there that are good solid human beings. Stop living this way.

You need to get professional counseling, not from a pastor.

You need time to heal your wonds and get your life in Order, your husband won't and it will only get worse.

I say divorce him, do not expect anything ever again from him, but headaches, and move on with your life.

Find someone that LOVES you and will be a equal partner in Life.

I wish you all of the luck in the world, I really do, normally I would tell you to work it out, But I just can't see it getting better only worse.

Leave him and divorce him, start A new life and find the right man for you.

Best of Luck
 

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I'm sorry to hear of your situation (past and present).

1. Why does he avoid responsibility?
He probably feels he's in way over his head with the debt so what's the point of even trying to get out of it.
2. Why doesn't he recognize any wrong doing on his part?
Based on what you've said about his parents, he doesn't know anything different so he may not have an issue living this way.
3. Can he change? If so, how?
Not unless he wants to and it sounds like he isn't there at the moment. It really needs to come from him (wanting to turn this around)
4. Is this even worth saving?
Not if he's unwilling to put in any effort.
"he glares at me and stands really close like he's trying to intimidate me" This would make me extremely uncomfortable too, especially since he was kind and loving when you met him.
5. What else can I do to make this work?
I don't know. If he is normally a good man and currently depressed, counseling could help him but if he doesn't want help or think he needs it, there isn't much you can do. I certainly wouldn't recommend staying in the situation the way it is.
 

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I am reading, journaling, praying, consulting trusted friends, and doing everything that our counselor has suggested. He said tonight that he thinks that if we pray and have faith that God can and will miraculously heal our marriage. He frequently uses God as an excuse to get out of putting forth any effort-- "if it's God's will, He'll do the work!" I believe that God can change our hearts so we can make better choices, but God gave us free will, and He respects us too much to control us like robots. He wants us to decide to do the right thing. My husband just doesn't want to have to do that hard part of doing the right thing.

1. Why does he avoid responsibility?
2. Why doesn't he recognize any wrong doing on his part?
3. Can he change? If so, how?
4. Is this even worth saving?
5. What else can I do to make this work?


Thanks for your help, please be nice. :(
Okay, first, SHOW HIM MY REPLY!

If it is God's will? No, God believes that we as individuals have the right to chose, hence heaven and hell, Jesus and Satan.
Mathew 7:7 states that we "ask and it will be given to you, seek and we shall find, Knock and it will be opened unto you". This also means that we have to go looking for the items we wish. God already provided us with his son, and only gives in accordance with faith now. This does not mean that God will force his will upon us... ever. That is why I want him to read my reply.

1. He avoids responsibility because that is what he was taught as a child.
2. He don't see any wrong because he honestly doesn't know he is wrong.
3. He can change, but the only way he will change is through your support. He will change if you show him that he is wrong, and that he has no other option, because your not going to sit idly by and let him ruin your finances.
4. It is worth saving if you love him.
5. You can do nothing. He has to be the one to do the changing. He will need your support though.

Oh, and the get over it comment.... GROW UP Mr Insensitive. She's been through more in five years than you've been through your entire life.
 

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:iagree: I am so sorry hun but I do agree with Russell there is nothing you can do until HE decides to wake up, and help himself.Yes you can stand by and be there for him but in the end it is only ourselves that we can change. I too suffer from PTSD and other disorders.. so hang in there and take care of you ;)
 

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Bless you for trying so hard, dear girl. Now it is time to step back and look at your life from an outsider's perspective--you married your father, basically--unreliable and abusive in his own way, but too close to your father's pattern to ignore.

Separating at this time would be a good idea, and then use the time to get lots of professional, individual counseling. You need time alone, not with a husband, to heal yourself, to correct your relationship with yourself and to let God heal you. Don't worry about divorce right now--you will know what to do when you have done the work to make yourself whole again. You will have scars, from being broken, but those scars will add to your strength. You will be stronger than ever, and you will finally have peace. If your husband decides to move on without you, fine--you need to pay attention to YOU for however long it takes to love and cherish yourself as God intended.

Let us know how you do. Best of luck.
 

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I don't know that I'm the best one to offer advice but my thoughts on it are similar to those who posted. Look at the effort you have expounded! You have worked and worked at this and from what you're telling us, you have truly gone above and beyond what many people to do in order to save a marriage. I'm glad that you've spoken to both a professional counselor as well as a marriage therapist so as to get a view from both. I'm sorry, I don't have the answers to your questions but I do believe people can change--but only if they choose to do so. You cannot change him, your pastor cannot change him and your marriage therapist cannot change him. Only HE can change him. As for is it worth saving? Well, that's your decision and yours alone. I wish I could give you the answers...don't we all wish someone else had our answers!
I guess one way to look at it is, has he always been this way? Has he always been so irresponsible and immature or has he changed recently? If he's changed to this way (which it doesn't sound like he does), then I think he has a better chance of coming back to who he used to be.

People CAN change, that I do believe, but they have to want to change for themselves. Perhaps he should seek invididual counseling along with your marriage counseling? Would he be willing to do that or no?

Good luck dear!
 
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