[lost-n-notfound]

Im a 34 year old father of 2 (full custody of 11 yo) and Im just looking for some place to vent and gather advice so here goes...I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years now and things are coming to an end it seems. I wanna start by saying it's my fault Im here (I own that) but I want to make things right and dont want to lose her. Im in the National Guard and everytime I deploy or go off on training we grow apart. I dont have my daughter during those times so I meet friends and hang out. My girlfriend feels put on the back burner and we fight about it. There was infidelity on my part 2 years ago during training but never again since. She is hurt over the past and cant get past it. I live with her currently and now she's starting to ignore me. Im always with my daughter now when Im home and dont go out or anything. The friends I thought I had are nowhere to be found. We live 2 houses down from her sister and brother-in-law who is my best friend(or so I think) and he's in the military as well. My girlfriend is always at their house now when she gets off work. My best friend is playing the "Im staying out of it role" which is aggravating to me, and I believe it's a lie. I basically feel isolated and dont know if I should leave or stay and endure this punishment for cheating. She hates confrontation and wont tell me to leave, but wont talk to me about our situation. Im lost please and feel out of control. Please help!

 

[heavensangel]

Not familiar with the military but do they cover counseling for SO relationships? If so, is this something you'd both consider?

Infidelity and traveling is a tough combination to deal with. I'm sure she's wondering each and every time you leave what you're doing and who you're with. Not because of anything you're currently doing, but it is a product of infidelity no matter how long ago it occurred.

 

[Prodigal]

everytime I deploy or go off on training we grow apart.

This is the reality of military life. If she hasn't gotten with the program after this period of time, then it doesn't sound like it's going to work out. My husband was deployed a number of times. It's difficult, but I knew up front what I was getting into.

She is hurt over the past and cant get past it. I live with her currently and now she's starting to ignore me.

I basically feel isolated and dont know if I should leave or stay and endure this punishment for cheating. She hates confrontation and wont tell me to leave, but wont talk to me about our situation.

You cheated, which you admit was wrong; however, have you made serious attempts to let her know you realize what you did was wrong and you want to make things right? She can't get over the past if she won't address it. I don't handle passive-aggressive nonsense very well; in fact, it bugs the heck outta me.

What I have a problem with, is people like your gf who thinks discussing emotionally-laden issues is all about "confrontation." She's confronting you, but in a way that isn't doing anything constructive for the relationship. People CAN discuss serious issues without losing control and getting into an all-out war.

Why don't you sit her down for a talk about this and see where it goes. This no-speaking stuff I read about so frequently on TAM bothers me. Why? Because it leads to misunderstandings, resentment, and lingering hostility.

Do you think if you address this in a calm but firm manner, she'll be willing to listen?

 

[lost-n-notfound]

I will definitely go, but I can barely get her to say 2 words to me so the ice is really thin. Maybe it's already too late. She now does things like picking through the pile of laundry and washes only hers. She stays in the bedroom when my daughter and I are here(she's in there as I type this now) and it's just really awkward. There are tons of other things like this happening. Im not a mind reader but this is pretty blatant.

 

[Prodigal]

Yeah, it sounds like she's done. If that's the vibe you're getting, then just open the bedroom door, tell her it's over, and be done with it. She may not respond. She may scream like a maniac. She may pull some passive-aggressive nonsense a week from now.

I don't know what she will do. However, there is no point in living in an atmosphere where you have to walk around on eggshells and deal with non-verbal aggression.

 

[thatbpguy]

lost-n-notfound, I say this without any malice towards you, but you get what you deserve. And you deserve this. Marital betrayal is the single cruelest thing one human can do to another within a marriage (or live in relationship). And you're guilty of the crime. As such, you lose your spouse (or, SO), kids and marriage (relationship). The best advice I can give you is try and keep your pants zipped up the next time you find someone who loves and trusts you. Good luck.

 

[KathyBatesel]

I can't agree with thatbpguy there.

The affair was two years ago, and she chose to stick around, so that's a cop-out if she's blaming his affair NOW, unless she is seeing signs that give her a good reason to continue being mistrustful.

If the OP isn't flirting with or communicating with other women on/off line, or giving her other reason to have fear, then it falls to her to do something about her fears.

I wouldn't tolerate the "poor-me, I'll just stay here and sulk" routine. As Prodigal said, open the door and tell her to pack her stuff if she doesn't want to be part of the household.

Also be ready to ask her exactly what she does need to see to make things work, and be prepared to let your buddy go, too, if you think he's getting involved when he claims otherwise.

 

[Emerald]

Limbo sucks.

Give her a deadline to talk to you. If she ignores your deadline & stays silent, make a decision & stick to it.

She may have found someone else. Investigate.