Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My fiancee and I have known each other for almost 13 years. Been together for over 4 years and engaged for over 3 of those years. At the beginning of our relationship, we had an incredible amount of sex. The majority of the time it was more than twice a day. After being on birth control for the first time, my drive dipped drastically. I changed scripts twice to get the drive I have now which still isn't anywhere near where it was a few years ago.

Up until a year ago, I was okay with having a bit of fun in bed with other women. I invited a total of four ladies to join us throughout the years. After the first two times, I felt okay but after the 3rd time, I didn't feel into it anymore. On my 24th birthday, a friend decided that she wanted to give herself to me as a gift. We were laying in bed, I'm drunk and half passed out, and she kept rubbing against me and being playful. My fiancee is on the other side of me getting a little curious as to what is going on. After telling him that she wasn't for him but for me because it was my birthday, he insisted that he should get to play, too. After our little romp, I was really upset. I went to the other room in our house and laid there asking myself if this was what I wanted in our relationship any more. I thought back to all the other experiences with the women I had invited in and how I never had sex with any of them. I'm a kissing ***** so that is all they got from me. I asked myself why I let all that happen and figured it was because my fiancee had fun with it. He told me before that he didn't really want me to be with other men. But because of the women that I allowed with us, he said that I could but he didn't want to know about it and if he found out, it would destroy him. I was with one other man once and it was a complete disaster. I really wish it didn't happen. Definitely wasn't interested in sex with anyone else after that. At that moment, I decided that I wanted it to be us and only us in our bed.

My fiancee has had anger issues and suffered from depression. This past October was the worst display of the two. After his blow up, I had told him to get help or I was leaving. He scheduled an appointment the next day. His anti-depressant works well, and up until recently, I didn't realize how well. At the beginning of January, one morning he woke up from a dream and later proceeded to tell me about it. He said that we were out at club and I started flirting and making out with another guy that was there. He said kissing the other guy in front of him isn't what made him mad but the fact that I did it in front of him and even then, he wasn't really mad. He has had dreams like that before and in those dreams he flipped out, broke things, hit the other guy, and so forth. I was shocked to hear this. He told me he believes it has a big thing to do with the meds. That he feels differently about things that would have pissed him off without them. He said after thinking about the dream, he would be alright if I wanted to go out and sleep with someone else as long as I came home to him and that he could do it, too. I told him right there that I wasn't interested in that kind of relationship anymore and hadn't been for awhile. That I wouldn't be okay with him sleeping with another woman anymore. He was confused and asked how I could feel one way and suddenly change when he is finally OK with something like that. At the start of the conversation, I wasn't affected by this but as we talked some more and I began thinking about what he was saying to me, I go extremely upset. The big thing was that I felt that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. He assured me that he found me still very attractive but that his needs are becoming overwhelming. I know I hadn't been having enough sex with him lately. It had been like this for awhile. After losing my job and having to move out of our house back in with my parents, I just really wasn't feeling sexy. He told me that he always appreciated it when I did it anyway despite everything but he found that sex boring because I wasn't really into it.

Sex in our relationship has always been a very sensitive subject to me. That is the only thing I am insecure about with him. He wants it more than I am willing to give it. He is an amazing lover and it's certainly not that I don't want or I'm not attracted to him. He said that sometimes he felt that way. He is concerned that his libido is going to peak and then wane while mine does just the opposite. He wants to be able to enjoy this while he can and wants to be exploratory when I'm not in mood. And then when my libido kicks in and his dips, he wants me to be able to go out and enjoy it whenever he is not in the mood.

A week ago, we went over to a couple's home who are friends of ours. This couple happens to be swingers who I knew wanted a shot at me. I had told them before that my fiancee and I had been into that to an extent but I hadn't told them things had changed. We were all drinking and having a good time. I sat on the couch where my friend, fiancee, and another girl were sitting and the girl had accidentally spilled my drink everywhere. I was soaked through. So being drunk and in the company of people I trust, I pulled of my wet jeans and I asked my friend if I could borrow some PJ pants while she threw my jeans in the dryer. I never got the PJs and before I knew it, everyone was taking off their bottoms and tops and started to molest each other. I became the main target while my friend's husband knelt between my legs and tried to undress me more. I was so uncomfortable and definitely not wanting any of it so I quickly got up and ran for a cigarette while everyone was trying to pull me back down to the couch. I tried getting my fiancee's attention to come outside with me but wasn't getting it. So I went alone and he followed shortly after.

I couldn't think straight, my heart was racing. I'm thinking, "How in the hell did I get myself into this? How do I get out!?! I'm drunk, I can't drive, and neither can he." Right as I'm fixing to tell my fiancee that we really need to go, my friends come outside. I was never really one to kill the mood, so I kept my mouth shut. My fiancee kept looking at me trying to get some kind of reaction or response. I didn't know what to do. We all headed back upstairs and I finally got some pants. I was pacing from room to room trying to keep from being captured. As I was pacing, I watched my fiancee receive oral from my friend. I was horrified and heartbroken. I know it was written all over my face because everyone kept asking if I was okay or if this or that was okay. Why couldn't I say no? My fiancee kept looking to me, and getting up and following me to another room to see if I was alright. Why couldn't I tell him that it was time to go, and that no, I wasn't alright with us doing this? My friend's husband kept trying to have at me and kiss me. Ugh, I don't like the taste of female! I continued to run outside and smoke cig after cig. At one point, I walked up the stairs and just stared at my fiancee, he looked up at me from screwing my friend and I rolled my eyes. He finally realized I was not okay. I figured he of all people should know when I am really not okay even when I say I am. He has figured out several times before when I have put up a happy front to conceal what I was really feeling. Why not then? Why should I have had to spell it out?

The next day I laid everything on the table and told him I was hurt, betrayed, and disgusted. He said if I wasn't into it, then why would I tell our friend that it was okay or why I would kiss her husband. I asked him if he noticed I was going outside every time her husband approached me, that I was giving my "no, don't do it look" that he supposedly knows so well. I asked him why I would change my mind so suddenly about how I didn't want to be with anyone else but him. A choice that I had voiced to him barely two weeks earlier when he told me about his dream.

I am at a loss. I really don't know what to do. I love him so much and he loves me. He has repeatedly told me that he cannot see his life without me in it and that I have to be with me. I feel the same way. But he is asking something of me that I can't give right now. We both have had a role reversal and it is proving to be very hard to walk in the other's shoes. We both are willing to work this out and we definitely want to stay together. I strongly believe that successful relationships are all about give, take, and compromise. Well, what do we give, take, and/or compromise in this situation? :confused:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,253 Posts
Sorry you are suffering. Please could you do us all a favour and break your post into paragraphs, it is hard to read as a wall of text.

Your fiance is selfish and should have realised that you were not into the situation. I think he probably did but thought he would get his rocks off before he looked after you.

I am not a prude and I am very open about swinging etc but you both have to keep in mind that you are each other's first priority. You have every right to change your mind whenever you want and your fiance has to accept your decision.

Having said that, I think that you need to be more assertive and make it clear to him and everybody around you that you are not into this right now. If you are not clear about your boundaries people will take advantage of the lack of clarity and you will get hurt.

Be clear, be firm and don't feel guilty about changing your mind.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Sorry about not breaking the post up. This is the first time I have talked about this with anyone and it kind of all came out at once. I shouldn't feel guilty about changing my mind but some of the things he has said makes me feel guilty. These meds he is on seriously make him feel less. At one point, he was the emotional one and I had a blank expression. Now it's the complete opposite.

I do kind of feel that he knew I was unhappy that night even though I said otherwise. I just don't get how he could not really know what I was feeling!?! He said it's because I'm a great actress. Yeah, but the one you love should be able to see through the B.S.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
172 Posts
I can really understand what you are going through but I can your husbands point too. When you and he first got together, you had this wild life but as time drifeted on, you stabalised some what.

In other words, you started to play a game but later changed the rules. He still likes the old rules and, to some degree, wants to return to them. Or perhaps he's not truley aware that the rules have changed.

Perhaps what the real solution here is that you make it very clear that the rules HAVE changed and he has to make a decision weather or not he still wants to play.

Either that or you have to make a decision as to weather or not you want to return to the old rules. Either way, this situation will come up again. So what game are you going to play here?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
And this is a perfect example of why people should really be secure in their relationship before they invite others into their beds. Things like this can and will happen. Im not placing blame on you either, but you did invite others into your bed. Now you want to stop something that your boyfriend thought was ok with you.

And Im not saying that this is fair to you either. If he loves you, he should be smart enough and willing to put it to the side to. You guys really need to talk and talk, and keep on talking....if you really love each other.

These are the real dangers of threesomes and swinging, it isnt for everybody, and both should set standards and rules...one rule should always be that if one of you wants to stop, the other should respect those feelings and stop. Im a man, and I can understand how you feel. My wife and I like to do threesomes every once in a while, but we love and respect each other enough to stop when the other does not want to play anymore..for what ever reason.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
I think you should end your relationship with him because he will more likely than not turn to cheating on you. He's a selfish person who you can't properly communicate. He has become accustomed to being free to cheat right in front of you, to the point that he it no longer even occurs to him that it's a bad idea.

Basically that boundary is gone in this relationship, so when you cut him off from doing it in front of you, he will simply start doing it behind your back. He believes he has a right to it, and that there is nothing wrong with him doing it.

I know even as I write this you will dismiss me as wrong and small minded etc. but please remember what I have written when you discover his cheating down the road and realize that you had been warned.

Dump him and find a guy who sees you as the jewel that he wants all to himself and the only jewel you need. This current guy doesn't see you that way and never ever will.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
980 Posts
You stated that you thought, "How the hell did I get myself into this?" Well you were at a swingers house. So if that is not the lifestyle you want, then it might be best to not put yourself in those kinds of situations, or maybe get new friends who are NOT into that kind of thing.

As far as your b/f goes, if this is NOT the lifestyle you want anymore, and if he doesn't understand or respect that, then you need to move on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,520 Posts
This seems to be another case of a woman expecting a man to understand what she wants/needs without actually communicating it to him and then getting upset because he was unable to divine what she wanted.

Your lifestyle included others in your bed.
He was used to this lifestyle
You change your mind and tell him ..once.

You then make plans to go to a couples house where YOU KNOW this is going to come up.
Then it comes up and you get upset.

You think you might have mentioned your new lease on life to your man BEFORE accepting the invite to the swinger couples house?

Maybe mention it in the car on the way over?

Something?
 
  • Like
Reactions: I Know

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,523 Posts
I agree with Jamison and tacoma. You knew what you may be getting yourself into by going over someones house who was into that kind of lifestyle. You even said yourself, you knew "they wanted a shot at you."

Even if they are friends of yours, if its not something you wanted to do then you should have not only made that clear to your b/f but to your friends as well. if they are real friends they would understand you didn't want them to cross that boundary.

As far as your b/f goes, I see some reasons you might want to terminate the relationship. One you said he has anger issues. You said sex was something you were insecure about with him. He wants it more than you are willing to give. Also, if this is a lifestyle you do not want but he does, then thats going to be tough to stay with someone who wants something totally opposite of what you want.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
397 Posts
I don't want to bve judgemental but here goes a couple of things:

1) Once you open the door to swinging and other types of partner sharing it is very difficult to close it.

2) There is a prevailing theme of you not being able to assert yourself when necessary. If that is a problem, you should avoid these potential situations.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
@Tacoma He and had discussed "my new lease on life" about 3 weeks BEFORE we had even been invited over to our swinger friends' home. So he was very aware of how I felt. I wish I had told my swinger friends about my new feelings and then they would not have made a pass at me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
It has been over a year since we have had another woman in our bed. I must make this very clear. Back when I was into a more open relationship, not once did my fiancee ever ask me when I was going to have another girl over. He left it all up to me and never pressured me for it.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,908 Posts
All you had to do was say no. Or better yet, not put yourself in that situation. Instead, you're pissed at your husband because he's not a mind reader.

It's definitely your right to change the rules on who you have sex with, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. But you should also take ownership of your decision and enforce it.

One thing I'm confused on... It sounds like you two had a discussion about sex being just the two of you, but from the way you describe it, it almost seems like it ended with you two "agreeing to disagree". That you wanted just the two of you, but he wanted to continue on. Can you clarify that?

C
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
870 Posts
When a relationship becomes more than two, lines get blurred and people get hurt. I would strongly postpone any wedding plans for the near future until you two get this crap sorted out. AT A MINIMUM!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,221 Posts
When are you getting married? Maybe you aren't...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
87 Posts
My question is if you knew they swing, knew they wanted you, got drunk with more then just your friends there, and took your clothes off in front of everyone why get mad when they made moves on you?

The other thing is why get mad at your fiance because he did and you didn't? If you both had done this before what would make it different in this situation? You may have expressed that you didn't want to anymore but why get half naked in a situation that you knew would end up this way.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top