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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,

I am 37 and my wife is 33, we got married almost 2 years ago, 4 months into our marriage she got pregnant and it has all beed going downhill sex wise.
She is a stay at home mum now taking care of out wonderful son, and She is studying at the same time.
She always complained that she can't manage with all the chores and the baby and studying, and whenever the topic of sex came up it would be a disaster, I was accused of not being understanding, that a women after birth has a dip in her drive and she is adapting to being a mum, mind you I never out right asked for sex, and all I did was "test the waters" with advancements.
So, we ended up getting a maid/nanny to help her out, and guess what, everything is still the same, not solely talking about sex here, but she would still complain that even with a maid she barely has time to study and her mind still is stressed and sex is no where on her mind...
I tried to talk to her but she always accuses me of only caring about sex.. So I emailed her explaining that while sex is admittedly important to me, mostly I am disappointed that our intimacy is non existent, no hugs, kisses, signs of affection and this ended up also being misunderstood as I complain about sex too much!!!
Since the she got pregnant we have had sex about 6-7 times, that's in 18 ,months!!!!
She does confuse me though, she does tease me, she does start me up but only to leave and that's it, while asleep sometimes I unconsciously make advancements which I do not know of, and usually they happen after she has tried teasing me before going to sleep so naturally I go to sleep turned on...
Last night I tried to give her a Hug in bed and she got iffy saying she needs to sleep to wake up in a couple of hours since the baby will wake up...
I don't know what to do here, and well this is driving me crazy, I am resorting to porn and well I just am n to happy about this.

Sorry for the long post but I am out of my wits. I had a very hot and active sex live before and she did once mention during a fight that she has a great sex life with her ex bf. so blah , I get the bitter end of the stick.
What can Ido to get the flame back if that's possible?

Thanks
 

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Yep, you're a victim of the "after we had kids" syndrome. Same happened to me and it never reverted back to the old way.

Line up someone to watch the kid for a night or even a weekend. Rent a hotel room somewhere and go spend a weekend alone. Just the two of you. Then she can't blame the house work or the child or studying. See what happens then.

Another less desireable option is to go stay somewhere else for a week or two. Just you. Gives her a wake up call that she may lose you if things don't change. Again, didn't work for me but it works for many.

I don't get how having one child and taking some classes is "too much" to handle for a stay at home mom. But my stbx said the same thing once. Wanted me to hire a maid to help her out. I wouldn't do it.
 

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If you need to email your wife to explain your feelings, you two may have more fundamental communication problems and root relationship issues that need resolving and then see if the sex becomes more frequent and satisfying.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Hahaha east2west that's a little dramatic don't you think? I acknowledge there are problems when it comes to sex or lack of, but there is no reason to go bashing my head with the whole infidelity drama. Need to solve my issues and not complicate them.

I have tried to arrange some time for us alone but she doesn't trust to keep the baby with the nanny while we're away so that has to come later on and not at such early age.
I am reading or looking even for some books and I have found some good resources here on other topics.
What I haven't found yet is how is it directly after childbirth and what is the reasonable amount of time to get her libido back?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I emailed her because we couldn't successfully talk about this but had no problems discussing anything else. We may have a deep rooted problem and this could be the tip of the iceberg I don't know honestly. I'm considering everything...
I also don't want to be unfair and just be focused on me.
 

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Get a paternity test.

Run the MAP from MSSL.
I doubt that the OP knows what "MAP" and "MSSL" means. Maybe you could put some links in your signature block to they can be found? Just an idea....:smthumbup:
 

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I emailed her because we couldn't successfully talk about this but had no problems discussing anything else. We may have a deep rooted problem and this could be the tip of the iceberg I don't know honestly. I'm considering everything...
I also don't want to be unfair and just be focused on me.
Your wife does not understand the importance of intimacy, affection and sex in marriage.

By her not working to improve her sex drive and to make sure these things exist in your marriage, and accusing you of only wanting sex, she is distorying it.


Look at the resouces in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. These might help you.
 

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If you stay with her after this you kind of deserve what's coming to you.
The OP and his W just started a family. I think it's a bit premature to tell him to throw in the towel. I was guilty of treating my husband this way after we had children. I was adjusting to being a mother, going to school full time to get my doctorate and work. We always had family support but I was exhausted. It was not just the physical demands but I was also mentally exhausted and I just didn't feel sexual. I look back on those days with regret for several reasons. I left my husband out in the cold, didn't realize how my lack of desire affected him, and probably missed out on some nice nights. I will say that my husband doesn't really know how to turn me on and has never been an attentive lover. But I never told him. Now we are working on this aspect, but my drive is in overdrive. I'm just at a different place.

My husband decided that his family was worth it to him. After all I contribute many things outside the bedroom as he does. Now we are both reaping the benefits of patience and communication. I figure if we are married 50 years and 15-20% of those years we were not rocking it in the bedroom, that still gives us a nice amount of time where we can be enjoying the fireworks. I totally trust my H. I trust that he won't leave me at my worst. I can surrender to him completely. Talk to your wife. Tell her you know it has to be hard to juggle bug that you miss her and you are afraid of what may happen to your marriage if you lose that spark. Ask her what you can do to turn her on. Don't threaten, just be honest and persistent. I hope you two make it, especially now that there is someone else you are both responsible for. Good luck.
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you all for your replies and I guess I have to clear something out, I made a typo, she is not HAVING great sex with her ex, she HAD when they were together, sorry for the confusion and I guess this is where people asking to throw the towel are coming from.
 

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The OP and his W just started a family. I think it's a bit premature to tell him to throw in the towel. I was guilty of treating my husband this way after we had children. I was adjusting to being a mother, going to school full time to get my doctorate and work. We always had family support but I was exhausted. It was not just the physical demands but I was also mentally exhausted and I just didn't feel sexual. I look back on those days with regret for several reasons. I left my husband out in the cold, didn't realize how my lack of desire affected him, and probably missed out on some nice nights. I will say that my husband doesn't really know how to turn me on and has never been an attentive lover. But I never told him. Now we are working on this aspect, but my drive is in overdrive. I'm just at a different place.

My husband decided that his family was worth it to him. After all I contribute many things outside the bedroom as he does. Now we are both reaping the benefits of patience and communication. I figure if we are married 50 years and 15-20% of those years we were not rocking it in the bedroom, that still gives us a nice amount of time where we can be enjoying the fireworks. I totally trust my H. I trust that he won't leave me at my worst. I can surrender to him completely. Talk to your wife. Tell her you know it has to be hard to juggle bug that you miss her and you are afraid of what may happen to your marriage if you lose that spark. Ask her what you can do to turn her on. Don't threaten, just be honest and persistent. I hope you two make it, especially now that there is someone else you are both responsible for. Good luck.
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This is a very common response. If the OP were a woman and posted that her husband had told her his ex gf was so much better in bed than her, I KNOW that certain female posters on here (I'm not naming names) would insist that it was emotional/verbal abuse and that she should call the police on him.

Men have to take whatever unimaginable s**t their wives throw at them in the vain hope that it will improve the marriage while women can walk away at any time.

OP, your wife clearly hates you. Consider yourself lucky that she blurted this fact out instead of keeping it a secret and leading you on.

Why is what she said to him not verbal/emotional abuse?
 

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Thank you all for your replies and I guess I have to clear something out, I made a typo, she is not HAVING great sex with her ex, she HAD when they were together, sorry for the confusion and I guess this is where people asking to throw the towel are coming from.
I read your initial post correctly. If you stay with her and, God forbid, start jumping through hoops to try and please her, then you can only expect her to treat you worse.
 

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This is a very common response. If the OP were a woman and posted that her husband had told her his ex gf was so much better in bed than her, I KNOW that certain female posters on here (I'm not naming names) would insist that it was emotional/verbal abuse and that she should call the police on him.

Men have to take whatever unimaginable s**t their wives throw at them in the vain hope that it will improve the marriage while women can walk away at any time.

OP, your wife clearly hates you. Consider yourself lucky that she blurted this fact out instead of keeping it a secret and leading you on.

Why is what she said to him not verbal/emotional abuse?
Wow you hate a real strong hate for women and it's comming out in this post... projecting your anger here.....
 

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This is a very common response. If the OP were a woman and posted that her husband had told her his ex gf was so much better in bed than her, I KNOW that certain female posters on here (I'm not naming names) would insist that it was emotional/verbal abuse and that she should call the police on him.

Men have to take whatever unimaginable s**t their wives throw at them in the vain hope that it will improve the marriage while women can walk away at any time.

OP, your wife clearly hates you. Consider yourself lucky that she blurted this fact out instead of keeping it a secret and leading you on.

Why is what she said to him not verbal/emotional abuse?
His wife hates him? During a fight she said she had great sex with her ex, not better. Soltero, was this fight about her not being sexual? Could she have been defending herself and her sexuality. No doubt it was the wrong thing to say, but we all say crap when we are angry and have at some point hit below the belt. Many times we are clueless as to how one phrase affects and stays with the other person. The key is to communicate and stop making assumptions.

And Zig, abuse is a pattern not a one time incident.
 

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Trying to balance out the rampant misandry on these forums is not hating women.

Ina, if a man decked his wife ONCE and ONLY once then he's not abusive?

I need to find the post on here somewhere that said because a man criticized his wife's cooking too harshly she should get a divorce........
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Ok, this has spiraled a little out of control, with the definition of abuse and what not, and I'm still on a dry spell.
Issue here is not what she said or I said during a fight which yes was in a heated discussion over the whole sex thing. It actually was when she suddenly lost any interest in the first few weeks of pregnancy and before we found out she was pregnant.

I'm not planning on jumping through any hoops or getting bent out of shape in here, let me get one thing straight, she is the mother of my son and if she is not able to juggle the chores, hiring help means she has more time to spend with my son and ultimately is beneficial for my son, and I don't see that as hoop jumping.
Before I drop the D bomb I would like to explore all avenues, I can't forgive myself if I end up dragging my son into a mess which MAY be avoidable.
But at the same time if I exhaust all means to be in a happy marriage, I won't settle for a room mate and create a false sense of a happy family for my son either...

I never given birth nor was I ever pregnant, and that's why I'm here, I'm hoping to start learning more about this and try to see if there is a solution.
 

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Your wife's change of libido before you even knew she was pregnant could very well be due to hormone shifts in pregnancy.

With my first pregnancy we went on a ski trip before I knew. The trip was a really bad experience for me because I could not stand the smell of any food. All of the food we were served in restaurants tasted horrible. I thought that the ski town just had bad restaurants… but as the pregnancy progressed, this problem became worse.

Pregnancy does some odd things to a woman’s body. Some of us go through it with no problem and for some of us strange this happen. And they can linger for some time afterwards.

Some questions to try to help you here…

What is she studying in school and how many credit hours is she taking?

How many hours a week to do two of you spend doing things together, just the two of you?
 

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Wow you hate a real strong hate for women and it's comming out in this post... projecting your anger here.....
An attack on a person's character might be easy when you don't have an argument, but it only real shows others that you don't know how to respond to what they said

I could have reported you and Ina but I'll let it slide so long as you promise not to attack me again and to only attack my arguments/what I said.
 
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