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What should I do?

  • Wait for her to get a job - things may change for the better

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Our "Just Maui'ed" dream wedding, now a financial & stressful nightmare for husband!

My wife quit her job as a paralegal 7 months prior to us being wed. The support and financial backing behind this decision was primarily provided from her parents, whom agreed that she would "need to take off this time to organize and plan" our Hawaiian wedding ($100K wedding payed for by her parents) and that they would cover any expenses incurred by my wife such as paying half of her rent, bills, etc and giving her an allowance for pretty much whatever she wanted. Now-a-days, things are a little bit different....

It's been a little over a year now and my wife is still unemployed! She's really only cracked down at job hunting in the past 3-4 months. She says that she stays home all day and applies for jobs hours upon hours. She also claims that she's applied to hundreds and hundreds of jobs, but yet, she has a college degree and only had 3 or 4 interviews max. Here are the facts:

Me - 28yrs old, young professional, great job (but work 50+ hrs/wk), make decent money, but have about $22K in debt (student loans, CC's, etc). Needless to say, most of my money goes to bills, which I pay at least the minimum on every month. In fact, I recently created a budget to show my wife where all my money is going and realized that after all is said and done, I only have ~$200 left over each month for "whatever".

Wife - 27yrs old, no job, picks up the house maybe once a week (dusting/mopping/laundry is far less than that), cooks once or twice tops per month, has zero friends in town (no exaggeration), she's never held any job in her life for over a year, mooched off of her parents for so long now and they are about to cut her off.

Her parents did not end up giving us $30K, as promised, for our wedding gift, since the wedding budget went way over what her father had allotted for. Now, they say that since we're married, I should be helping out with more of the monthly bills and have basically, other than paying half our rent, have removed her from the family payroll. My wife agree's with her folks and asks me for money to necessities on daily basis. I have tried to explain that I simply do not have the extra money for both of us to make it living our comfortable lifestyle that we currently have. She has zero income, no savings, no money what-so-ever. Recently, she's asked to borrow money for: $160 (combined) for her medication refills, for me to pay an extra $200 on the cable bill so it wouldn't get shut off, money for grocery's, cigarettes, and every other little expense that you can think of, which I gave to her. She's now upset because I've been "keeping tabs" on how much I've money I've given her or otherwise fronted for her. We have a couple of CC's that we used to buy her engagement/wedding ring that I pay for each month as an auto-draft. I asked her not to use that card so that I could start paying it off, but when I checked the bill for the first time in a few months, I see that she's been using it to buy fast food, cigarettes, and other little expenses like that. We fight every single day about her getting a job and my support for her has gone to the crapper. We emotionally abuse each other when things get heated and there have been several of "destruction" of each others property fights as well. I don't know what to do anymore at this point...Most days when I come home after a 10hr work day, I find the house a wreck, nothing to eat, and it's not uncommon to find her either still asleep in bed or on the couch ("taking a nap" as she calls it). I ask myself how this can be possible if she's truly applying to 12+ jobs a day, as she claims. I'm at wits end with her and don't know what to do. Even if she gets a job, everything else would still remain the same. She claims to be depressed because of not having a job and no friends, and she still rarely lifts a finger or does anything to please me. We have sex maybe once a month and although I've asked for oral sex, she refuses to do that... she never had a problem with that whenever we were still in college though! She gets upset any time that I mention hanging out with my friends without her and most of my friends don't care for her because they think she's a lazy bum, treats me like crap, and socially awkward at times. She says that I am a horrible husband because I won't put her on my bank account or give her any of my user names/passwords to anything (the last time I gave her access to the AT&T website, I received a text from them saying that I was being tracked by her through the family map application).

If you have any advice for me on this matter, please, please, please let me know because I don't know what to do anymore.
 

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Re: Our "Just Maui'ed" dream wedding, now a financial & stressful nightmare for husba

Omg, what did you get yourself into..
I'm not married, but I had a girlfriend that meets some of your wive's descriptions.
Seems to me your wife is weak-willed and also lazy...which doesn't make her a bad person, just a person with these negative qualities. The former is so because she can't change a situation for better -- find a job, get friends, and the later is because she can't even do what's in her power -- to clean a house, make you happy.
It's a tough one, if you can live with the knowledge she's possibly somewhere alone and depressed, then best thing is to divorce her. If you cannot, then try to work on it and hope she'll change for better, either through rationally talking to her, applying some pressure, or other methods. I actually like the idea of separating for a while. She might just learn the hard way that one needs a job to live and can learn the value of hard-earned money..
Good luck in whichever decision you make
 

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Re: Our "Just Maui'ed" dream wedding, now a financial & stressful nightmare for husba

Sounds like her parents bought her a husband to transfer her from their to your payroll. It's too bad you got stuck with her. I know it can be hard to get a job, but if I was at home while my husband worked the house would be spotless and I'd be taking whatever course might help me land some type of job.

I would start considering the divorce or at least a separation. It's possible she doesn't realize what type of person she's become and she could change. If she's never had to support herself she likely doesn't know how. Parents don't do their children any favors by funding their life.

Why did you even marry her? Did she do the bait and switch?
If you divorce, I hope you don't have much in the way of money as unfortunately you'll probably lose some. I can't imagine you had a pre-nup.
 

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Re: Our "Just Maui'ed" dream wedding, now a financial & stressful nightmare for husba

Why did you adopt Lindsay Lohan? :)


Usually I'm pretty hopeful that marriages can turn around but this girl just seems utterly ruined by her upbringing. No sex, no job, no house keeping, no anything but sucking a pint of your blood each day.

You need to free yourself from her. Watch for the allegations that you're hitting her though.
 

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Re: Our "Just Maui'ed" dream wedding, now a financial & stressful nightmare for husba

Leave before you have children.
 

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Re: Our "Just Maui'ed" dream wedding, now a financial & stressful nightmare for husba

If you love her do this.

1. Look into getting her depression resolved. This is a huge, nontrivial aspect of her troubles.

2. Find her a career counselor! She needs a new job getting strategy. Resume help too. It's a tough job market.

3. See if she can work off some of the money she gets from parents. Nothing wrong with doing tasks for them.

4. Insist she do 4 hours a day of something constructive. Spell out what is possible. Laundry, dishes, etc.

5. Get her to devote another 4 hours a day submitting applications for employment.

6. Don't be draconian about it all. Be reasonable and express affection but concerned for her welfare and finances.

7. Cut back on nonessentials. Cable tv comes to mind.

8. Consider a cheaper place to live.
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9. Cancel the credit cards! And pay them off. They are just digging a hole for you.

10. Walk away when arguments escalate to property damage. Have some self control!

11. And toughest, address the intimacy problem in your life. You need a candid conversation NOT in bed regarding this missing element.
 

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Re: Our "Just Maui'ed" dream wedding, now a financial & stressful nightmare for husba

Your wife got spoiled by her parents. You have to resolve now what you will or will not tolerate. Based on what you write I would be telling her specifically what has to change and if it does not we'd be getting a divorce. Regarding finances I would make a budget that includes paying debts, covering expenses and gives each person some spending money, and savings. Show it to her and tell her "this is how much you can have every week", and make another budget to show how much she could have if she worked and offer her the choice. I would tell her parents that you don't want their money as well. I also agree not to have kids until she is 100% the wife you want in life.
 
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