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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
We are in a young relationship and have fallen in love. Everything has been great until the other night when she drops a bombshell on me. Apparently, her cousin and her husband had an argument to the point where the cops had to come and the husband goes to jail on a domestic violence charge. He gets out of jail and she moves him in! He can't go home because of an automatic protective order. So there is a man, alone, living with my girlfriend.

I have serious trust issues and told her this is not ok. She says she is trying to help her cousin who has his child so they can get their lives back together. They have no friends and no options. He can't be at the house by the order. I said can't they both stay with you as a couple? No- the order.

They are both at my girlfriend's house all the time violating the order anyway, so I don't see why they can't just go home, keep a low profile and work it out on their own. I don't want another man in her house! Am I being unreasonable?

She told them this situation makes me extremely uncomfortable and the response was "Oh Well". When I ask what they are doing to fix it (find a lawyer, make a plan, etc) I get pushed back and told let me handle it.

My girlfriend has agreed to stay with me most nights while he's there, but it is tough and a lot of late nights and early mornings. She has a 16 year old son and it's tough on him too. Last night she says he is going home to spend the night with his wife (against the order-again) but his truck was at her house because the cops might see it at her house. She slept at her house last night. It sounded like the perfect excuse. I don't think anything is going on, but I don't want to be naive. I said I was coming over (calling a bluff) and she said ok. I didn't go. I feel like these people who have messed up their lives are messing up ours too. I'm so angry I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
 

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Can't the cousin move in with her, instead of the husband? Or could the husband move in with you? How long is the protective order in place?

And you may want to work on your trust issues...

C
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How long have you been seeing each other, btw? You may want to read up on the Married Man's Sex Life Primer, and No More Mr. Nice Guy. There's nothing wrong with defining your boundaries and sticking to them. Things will be much more enjoyable for you if you do. But be aware that if your boundaries are unreasonable (like you're unreasonably insecure/jealous), you may have a lot of problems finding someone who will accept them.

C
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She's letting a dude with a recent domestic violence charge live with her and her 16 year old son and choosing his welfare over all three of you?

Repeat. His wife is safe, his kid is safe, your GF and her kid and your relationship are not.

I'd walk, mate. Sorry.
 

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I have serious trust issues and told her this is not ok.
Obviously, there are multiple issues here. Frankly, the kind of woman who fears a guy so much that she calls the police but then turns around and keeps seeing him really ticks me off. Either he's too dangerous to live with or not. You can't have it both ways.

But they didn't come to this forum, you did. Frankly, your trust issues are your problem, not your girlfriend's. She's not doing anything wrong or immoral. From her perspective, she's just helping her cousin. He has to stay somewhere, after all, and he might not be able to afford a hotel.

She should make him one ultimatum however: either abide by the terms of the restraining order with his wife, or move out. She should also look into the option of having him stay with other family. But the bottom line is, this is her family, and her problem. They have f**ked up lives, yes, but they aren't "messing up" your relationship except in your own mind. If your relationship fails over this, it will be because of your own insecurities and fears it will fail (creating a self-fulfilling prophecy).

If she did end up sleeping with her cousin and cheating on you, then at least you would know what kind of woman you are involved with. Better to know now than after you are married.
 

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Y'all stop freaking out about the domestic charges.

Cops hand them out to men like candy in these situations.

It's quite possible he did nothing or nearly nothing.

OP what has the cousin said he did to earn those charges?

I'm also curious about the retraining order.
They usually don't file them without the subject requesting it.

If she didn't request it and is opposed to it it shouldn't be difficult for her to lobby a judge to have it waived.

The fact that they aren't doing this is the only thing that gives credence to those charges.

So start at the beginning OP.

What did he do to earn these charges?
Who requested/initiated the restraining order?
How long is this order in effect for?

You need the answers to these questions before you can form a plan of action.
 

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WTF? Just WTF? What if these two move in together one day. Does the violent husband get free digs again next time? Maybe all three of them could share a bed!

"If she did end up sleeping with her cousin at least you'd know what kind of a woman she is" Genius, pal. Wait 'til she's screwed him over. Real clever.

But worse, tell him he's insecure, jealous and has trust issues for refusing to be disrespected.

Grow some balls, gents.
 

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Obviously, there are multiple issues here. Frankly, the kind of woman who fears a guy so much that she calls the police but then turns around and keeps seeing him really ticks me off. Either he's too dangerous to live with or not. You can't have it both ways.

But they didn't come to this forum, you did. Frankly, your trust issues are your problem, not your girlfriend's. She's not doing anything wrong or immoral. From her perspective, she's just helping her cousin. He has to stay somewhere, after all, and he might not be able to afford a hotel.

She should make him one ultimatum however: either abide by the terms of the restraining order with his wife, or move out. She should also look into the option of having him stay with other family. But the bottom line is, this is her family, and her problem. They have f**ked up lives, yes, but they aren't "messing up" your relationship except in your own mind. If your relationship fails over this, it will be because of your own insecurities and fears it will fail (creating a self-fulfilling prophecy).

If she did end up sleeping with her cousin and cheating on you, then at least you would know what kind of woman you are involved with. Better to know now than after you are married.
I might be wrong but the way I read it the cousin is a woman and it's the cousin's HUSBAND staying with the girlfriend and her son. That's just bat**** insane to me. Normally I'm the first one to say "you're the one who came to us" but the situation in the OP has nothing to do with the OP's "trust issues" and everything to do with this being a bad situation that needs to end [EDITED because I went a little overboard].

You are right to feel uncomfortable, and I don't understand why it's your girlfriend's responsibility to put up her cousin's husband.
 

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I think the cousin should stay out of it. Tell the husband to go home and work it out with his wife (her family).

They got themselves into this mess, they should be left to get themselves out of it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Wow! So much good advice and perspective! Thanks, you guys are great! A little more info, god, I feel like I'm on Springer. She says it was a fight, it escalated, she was just as at fault as he was. The cops saw marks on him not her, but, you know, man always goes to jail. Or first one to the phone wins. They are real winners. Anyway she said the whole thing was just a stupid thing that got out of hand before they realized it and calling the cops was stupid and unnecessary.

My last relationship before this turned a sweet, trusting, gentle, slightly damaged but totally salvageable man with mild trust issues into a completely psychotic paranoid, controlling schizophrenic a--hole.

The truth is I'm fine until I have a reason not to be. Example, another man living with my girlfriend. Or finding out after 7mos that she has slept with every man she has known or introduced me to in the past and didn't feel like it should be a "big deal". That was the last one. This one, I just don't know.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I might be wrong but the way I read it the cousin is a woman and it's the cousin's HUSBAND staying with the girlfriend and her son. That's just bat**** insane to me. Normally I'm the first one to say "you're the one who came to us" but the situation in the OP has nothing to do with the OP's "trust issues" and everything to do with this being a bad situation that needs to end [EDITED because I went a little overboard].

You are right to feel uncomfortable, and I don't understand why it's your girlfriend's responsibility to put up her cousin's husband.
She is a good person I think, I just don't want her to turn out to be a doormat. He is banned from his wife and the property. If they get caught violating the order he'll go to jail for up to a year.
 

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She's letting a dude with a recent domestic violence charge live with her and her 16 year old son and choosing his welfare over all three of you?

Repeat. His wife is safe, his kid is safe, your GF and her kid and your relationship are not.

I'd walk, mate. Sorry.
I agree with this. He is using your girl.....and your girl/her kid are in danger.

OP, for whatever it's worth....people that have been the closest to us have been the biggest threat to our relationship (especially close friends). Family is no different.

When it comes to ANYONE moving in, your WHOLE life/atmosphere in the house changes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Y'all stop freaking out about the domestic charges.

Cops hand them out to men like candy in these situations.

It's quite possible he did nothing or nearly nothing.

OP what has the cousin said he did to earn those charges?

I'm also curious about the retraining order.
They usually don't file them without the subject requesting it.

If she didn't request it and is opposed to it it shouldn't be difficult for her to lobby a judge to have it waived.

The fact that they aren't doing this is the only thing that gives credence to those charges.

So start at the beginning OP.

What did he do to earn these charges?
Who requested/initiated the restraining order?
How long is this order in effect for?

You need the answers to these questions before you can form a plan of action.
Apparently it was a "tussle" She threatened to leave with the baby and file for divorce. He said joint custody, she heard full custody, somebody tried to run out the door with the baby and somebody tried to stop them I don't know which one. there was no hitting, just panicked struggle.

You are right, here, protective orders are automatic from the police. Too many women were scared to press charges or file for protective orders so now the cops do it for you whether you want it or not.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
We should be in the honeymoon phase! Not dealing with this bulls**t! I did bring it to a head and threaten to leave hoping I had a little leverage. No dice. She wrote me a love letter, told me she was sorry but couldn't turn her back on family.

I just want this fu**head out of our life! I would drop the dime myself the next time they violate the order, but there's an infant involved, and he is sole support. that would be trading a**hole guy for can't get a job with child living there.

I want to round up the boys, take him outside, give a few gut punches and say next time it will be worse. Get OUT! If you say anything it will be your last mistake.

Maybe I'm just hungry.
 

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I might be wrong but the way I read it the cousin is a woman and it's the cousin's HUSBAND staying with the girlfriend and her son. That's just bat**** insane to me.
You are probably right. I misread that. The guy not being a family member does change the situation to me. He should stay with family until this is resolved.

Normally I'm the first one to say "you're the one who came to us" but the situation in the OP has nothing to do with the OP's "trust issues" and everything to do with this being a bad situation that needs to end [EDITED because I went a little overboard].
But it is trust issues. If the OP's girlfriend wrote to this forum, I would advise her to send this guy packing. But the OP is the one who wrote. This woman isn't his wife and he can't tell her what to do. She's an adult and can do what she wants. He's going to have to trust her sometime, so that might as well be now. If the OP can't let go of this, he needs to dump her and find someone else.
 

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You are probably right. I misread that. The guy not being a family member does change the situation to me. He should stay with family until this is resolved.



But it is trust issues. If the OP's girlfriend wrote to this forum, I would advise her to send this guy packing. But the OP is the one who wrote. This woman isn't his wife and he can't tell her what to do. She's an adult and can do what she wants. He's going to have to trust her sometime, so that might as well be now. If the OP can't let go of this, he needs to dump her and find someone else.
I have the same issue with you in the opposite sex friend thread but I feel like you don't make a distinction between "telling someone what is not ok with you" and "telling someone what to do."
 
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