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So, I am reading a Dr. Schnarch "Intimacy & Desire" that addresses specifically how to solve problems in a long term marriage that has a HD/LD mismatch. 300+ pages in and I am getting to the part where he suggests using reciprocal oral sex as one of the primary ways to awaken passion in the relationship.

Admittedly this may not make much sense out of context with the rest of his work leading up to this chapter... but let me skip ahead and share.

His ideas get into the notion of couples where the males has always made the woman come first are actually selfish on behalf of the male. The female should be allowed to make her husband come first and then get to be the one taken care of next if she wants and she should be able to enjoy doing so. Since oral allows one person at a time to focus on the other, this allows for more variety and dynamics than just traditional intercourse. When done mindfully this also becomes a tool for solving problems related to sexual desire because changing things up can reveal a discomfort that needs to be addressed.

The book suggests that men that prefer intercourse over receiving oral may actually be selfish (in context with using oral to solve desire problems).

It suggests that people that have problems with the smell or taste of oral should learn how to overcome that discomfort. (that smell and taste contains pheromones that rewire the brain to enjoy sex)

It suggests that people giving oral should enjoy that just as much as the person receiving and that the person receiving should actively acknowledge that. (receiving can be more difficult than giving)

It suggests that bad oral sex on behalf of the giver or receiver may be a sexual weapon to somehow inflict pain on a spouse (as in I am not going to let you enjoy this or I am not going to let you know that you can please me).

I have to admit that this is interesting if you ask me! Absolutely a great book! Anyone agree or disagree?

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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I agree with me and my sexuality. But not everyone likes oral, giving or receiving and this book assumes everyone should... it doesn’t work that way.
 

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I would think if you had an LD partner who was open to performing oral as a way to improve things, then likely there wouldn't be a problem in the first place. In a lot of the cases the LD person is resistant or apathetic to trying to fix the problem. I'm not sure how you would get such a person to engage in oral if they aren't into sex already. From a theoretical standpoint it might help, but in real life I can't see it really happening.
 

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I haven't read the book, but I would disagree that the male is selfish to make sure the woman is taken care of first. I consider myself to be a very generous lover, but after my own orgasm there just isn't anything left in the tank until I've recovered for a bit(snuggling and afterglow yes, but going down on my wife will have to wait for a few minutes). In fact I think it's very unselfish of the man to make sure his wife/gf has been well taken care of first. I'd be curious to hear from women on this. Maybe Schnarch is suggesting it's a female empowerment thing? Doesn't really make sense to me.

Also why does oral have to be one at a time? Has Schnarch never hear of 69:)
 

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I've also thought that always having the woman O first was a bit selfish. Most men, but also many women want to relax after an O. A mix seems fairest.
 

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There are times when my partner does want it to be all about her. I never object bc anytime I want, she will help me out, whether or not she wants an orgasm. So on the rare occasion when she asks for it to be just for her and I have to wait, I am ok with that. Typically she just wants me to wait 20 min to an hour but even if I have to wait until the next day, I can oblige.

My partner does not like to be given oral. She is somewhat homophobic (not openly, not in public) and considers that to be too close to a lesbian sex act.

She doesn't mind the taste of giving me oral but does strongly dislike the viscosity of the semen. She compares it to having a mouthful of snot. I've never had a load in my mouth so I can't argue with that characterization and tend to think she is probably right.

She strongly prefers simultaneous climax by way of PIV sex as a way to ensure both parties are satisfied and neither has to keep going after being satisfied. I agree so I guess we are optimally compatible in bed. ;)
 

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I don't agree, the intensity increases after the wife has the moment, it relaxs her to the point of enjoyment and her focus is never on herself but on us as a couple. So l disagree and those whom write books suchas these are mostly, theory and lack of practice. Now if maybe a pornstar wrote a book such as this lt may tend to be more realistic in the sense of. Interaction and dynamics of partners.
 

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I can see the point he is trying to make about her having the O first, and then having to work for the guy. Depending on what is required to get the guy off, it can be a buzz kill. Imagine if your O was really just a signal that it was time to go to work and you cannot just enjoy it.

I think that ideally there would be times of both finishing last. The key is that everyone that wants an O gets one, not the order in which it happens.

As Tex says above, his tank is empty when he is done. What if hers is too? Isn't being unselfish continuing to go on when your tank is empty?
 

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If its selfish to let me go first and then initiate PIV then I guess I’m ok with selfish as I prefer it this way. It creates great little aftershocks that are very pleasurable for me. They make PIV way better.

One size does not fit all it seems.
 

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I always thought that giving a woman an orgasm first was encouraged because once a man cums, his energy is zapped and his interest level drops?

Is this generally true, or no?

His ideas get into the notion of couples where the males has always made the woman come first are actually selfish on behalf of the male. The female should be allowed to make her husband come first and then get to be the one taken care of next if she wants and she should be able to enjoy doing so.
I completely agree with this.

Since oral allows one person at a time to focus on the other, this allows for more variety and dynamics than just traditional intercourse.
Well, one needs to mindfully respect that each person has preferences. Not all discomfort should be deconstructed. We live in this time of information overload where almost everyone feels entitled to explanations.

IMO, the time to test the foundation (of sexual compatibility) is prior to even touching each other. You talk about it. A lot.

When done mindfully this also becomes a tool for solving problems related to sexual desire because changing things up can reveal a discomfort that needs to be addressed.
Do men prefer PIV to oral?

Speaking as a woman, giving oral is my number one favorite sexual act. Having said that, it satisfies many of my negative attributes - desire to control, inability to connect, etc.

The book suggests that men that prefer intercourse over receiving oral may actually be selfish (in context with using oral to solve desire problems).
Again, this should be discussed way early on. 'Should learn how to overcome' is somewhat unreasonable.

It suggests that people that have problems with the smell or taste of oral should learn how to overcome that discomfort. (that smell and taste contains pheromones that rewire the brain to enjoy sex)
I enjoy giving much, much more than receiving. Receiving is about surrendering, and I don't do that very well.

It suggests that people giving oral should enjoy that just as much as the person receiving and that the person receiving should actively acknowledge that. (receiving can be more difficult than giving)
Bad sex and/or no sex in general communicates a lack of empathy and caring - and I'd even say respect.

It suggests that bad oral sex on behalf of the giver or receiver may be a sexual weapon to somehow inflict pain on a spouse (as in I am not going to let you enjoy this or I am not going to let you know that you can please me).
 

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This raises a big questions that should be answered before you can really think about his advice. Does the LD partner like oral? Do they like giving or receiving or both?

My guess is many LD partners want nothing to do with it. In such a case, its doubtful that oral sex will help fix the mismatch in desire.
 

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When my wife was able to cum from PiV the gold standard was the simul-cum. She encouraged me to just cum when ever I was there, because 90% of the time that would send her over the edge too. I had a hard adjusting to that change and the fact that sometimes she didn't want an O. For a while we had a he cums first policy, that way if she didn't want one it wouldn't "ruin" it for me. I've gotten over that. Now it's whatever happens just happens.
 

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I haven't read the book, but I would disagree that the male is selfish to make sure the woman is taken care of first. I consider myself to be a very generous lover, but after my own orgasm there just isn't anything left in the tank until I've recovered for a bit(snuggling and afterglow yes, but going down on my wife will have to wait for a few minutes). In fact I think it's very unselfish of the man to make sure his wife/gf has been well taken care of first. I'd be curious to hear from women on this. Maybe Schnarch is suggesting it's a female empowerment thing? Doesn't really make sense to me.

Also why does oral have to be one at a time? Has Schnarch never hear of 69:)
I agree with Tex X. Once I have my O I'm done for a while. When my wife is wanting oral, I have found that it is best for us if I just let her lie back and enjoy what I'm doing. I get a lot of pleasure out of seeing and hearing her response so I get a lot out of it too. Also, if I bring her to her O or take her to the point where she pushes me away, then I wait about 20 - 30 seconds and then start again, she is more than likely to O again, even quicker than the first time. I do this about three times and then she just explodes when we have PIV. So where is there any selfishness in that?
 

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I always thought that giving a woman an orgasm first was encouraged because once a man cums, his energy is zapped and his interest level drops?

Is this generally true, or no?
Not for me. My **** may not work for a while but I still got my hands and mouth. In my previous post I mentioned 90% of the time me cumming would send her over the edge. The other 10% I'm not going to just leave her there (and TBH she wouldn't put up with that).
 

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As Tex says above, his tank is empty when he is done. What if hers is too? Isn't being unselfish continuing to go on when your tank is empty?
I always make sure my wife is well taken care of before I get mine. She has never once complained about it or communicated that she wants to take care of me first. In fact after she has had several orgasms, it actually enhances her O when we go PIV. I guess everyone is different though, but it works for us. My refractory period isn't that long either, so I'm ready to go again in as little as 10 to 15 minutes.
 

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As for who should O first I think it depends. If your the type of person who is done after an O then I can see how the author would consider this selfish because once you get yours your too tired to give.

I wouldn’t mind if my boyfriend Os first If he was enthusiastic about giving oral to me after until I cum.

Personally I’m exhausted after I orgasm.
 
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