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Discussion Starter #1
Okay..... I'm really struggling here.... my husband looks at porn, and Craigslist ads, and reads the 50 shades series.... it seems like he has absolutely NO desire for sex or intimacy. We go up to 3 weeks without anything. Just a kiss here or a hug there..... and when I say kiss, it's a peck..... I have to ask him to kiss me with some feeling behind it.... I'm a very affectionate person and he talks like we have sex all the time.... but we don't... any thoughts or suggestions....????? I seriously feel like I've tried everything. And I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. He's also very flirtatious with other women....what gives...???? Please help.... I feel like I'm the only one who cares about our marriage.
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Yes. And he says he loves me all the time..... but the words aren't enough.... I just feel completely rejected and like he just married me to have someone to just there. I even told him I don't feel like we're married, I feel like roommates... and he told me he thinks that I think we live in some Harlequin romance novel or Disney fantasy.... and I told him no... I thought we were married.... I'm heart broken. And I'm not just complaining to complain.... this is my last resort....
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Well it is good that he atleast says it on his own. If not, speaking from first hand experience, that would be a significant red flag.
 

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Do you have any idea what's going on, or suggestions on what I should do....? I don't want to divorce.... but I want to be happy... and I haven't been since we've been married..... I don't really feel loved and I'm constantly being lied to.... :'-(
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If you honestly believe he is attracted to you, then I don't know. That was my first guess. Besides the sex, what other issues are there. That is rarely the only issue.
 

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He is adopted.... so I often wonder if that has anything to do with it..... his mom wasn't really nice or affectionate to him.... he has chronic back pain or says he's to stressed or has a headache.... he uses excuses most women use.... and, not that it matters, but I'm not some ugly duckling. All his friends think I'm attractive and tell him how lucky he is. In just at a total loss....
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It really really is..... it doesn't help that we moved about all new city and I don't really know anyone..... I just feel like I deserve better. We dropped everything to move in with his terminally I'll father. I ended up taking care of him more than my husband did.... it's been really rough. And I know my husband has a lot going on and a lot on his mind and I'm trying to be supportive as much as I can. But I need support to. And I fee like any time we talk any more, we talk in circles....
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Hi Op - sorry your living like this...it sounds horrible.

Do you think he may be jerking off to the porn so often he has no need for sex from you? There are 'some' men who get addicted to porn and end up preferring it to real live sex.

What kind of craiglist ads does he look at?

Do you have access to his phone and computer/emails?

It sounds like he is highly sexual... but his sexual energy is going elsewhere... you need to get it focused back on you but you need to know what he's doing with it first.

What does your gut instinct tell you?
 

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My gut tells me nit to waste any more time or energy. I'm not a guy, so I don't understand it.... but how is jerking off in any way, shape or form better than real sex...??? I don't whine and complain and I'm pretty much open for anything.... that's what gets me so confused. He looks at personal ads for women in the area we live in.... and unfortunately I have stooped so low as checking his phone. He had some fling with a chick via Skype and I've been paranoid ever since. And I recently found out that he friended some chick on Facebook and they've started texting... that really worried me.... I don't understand this man at all.... he's definitely throwing me mixed signals... like he'll touch me in a sexual way. And then acts like he wants sex then goes to bed.... that's torture....
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Anything sexual I say, I almost always get the response, "you're cute" or "you're silly". How is that cute or silly...???
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Do you feel a need to have 'proof' he is cheating...because it sounds , to me, like he is. Way too many reg flags..

I don't get the porn addicition thing either...read up on after saw posts on hear. It's to do with get a right hormone rush but it being attached to the porn...not a real person. So in a way they fall in love (hormonely) with the porn. There is also the factor of not having to wine and dine, no need for foreplay and it's all about the user...he doesn't have to please anyone but himself.

You can read alot online about this subject...but porn is becoming a problem for a growing number of men.

Personally I'd be more worried about him hooking up with the local women he see ads for online.

Geez... he's an idiot... when he has a warm and willing wife at home and he's very mean to tease you. I'd kick him in the nutz next time he does that! Very frustrating!
 

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I don't have any "proof" that he is cheating. I do know he's highly flirtatious.... just have no idea if he has followed through with anything. The crappy thing is that I know it's in my best interest to leave.... I do love him, but I can't I've like this... I keep hoping and praying things will change... but is 40 and set in his ways.... you'd think after 3 failed marriages he'd get a clue.... but I should have known better I guess. I'm just far to optimistic for.my own good.
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My gut tells me nit to waste any more time or energy. I'm not a guy, so I don't understand it.... but how is jerking off in any way, shape or form better than real sex...??? I don't whine and complain and I'm pretty much open for anything.... that's what gets me so confused. He looks at personal ads for women in the area we live in.... and unfortunately I have stooped so low as checking his phone. He had some fling with a chick via Skype and I've been paranoid ever since. And I recently found out that he friended some chick on Facebook and they've started texting... that really worried me.... I don't understand this man at all.... he's definitely throwing me mixed signals... like he'll touch me in a sexual way. And then acts like he wants sex then goes to bed.... that's torture....
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If he's into porn that much, he is probably just masturbating a lot and not cheating. He may be 'flirting' online just to get aroused, but the one tough one to swallow is that some of these women are local. Keep your eyes open and don't feel bad about phone snooping. He's giving you enough rope.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
How I can deal with my frustrations and rejection....? Doing it myself almost isn't enough any more.... I won't cheat... I just don't have the heart....
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You won't like the answers. Really you won't.

He is at least half heartedly shopping and he's probably been in at least one Emotional Affair.

You aren't 'stooping' to anything. You are protecting your marriage. In the normal course of events, you wouldn't THINK of checking his email, phone etc...because your husband, in the NORMAL course of events, would be acting in a trustworthy fashion.

He is NOT acting trustworthy. You've done the honorable thing and asked him what the frog is up. He's put you off or lied. So what is a guy/girl to do? Seek truth in other ways.

This isn't a good place to be. But allow me to sooth your ruffled (sorry, regretably UNruffled ;) ) feathers.

You could be the Fairest One of All. You could be a supermodel nymphomaniac*. You still can't compete with a total internet fantasy. She can look anyway she wants in his mind, ACT any way she wants in his mind.

It isn't real.

This is small solace but I'd dig a bit more. You MIGHT be able to shake him out of it if you have evidence.

(*There is a joke men sometimes tell: Show me a really hot woman and I'll show you the man who is tired of sleeping with her. Sometimes sad but true)
 
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Discussion Starter #18
I'm not miss America by any means. And I'm not at all conceited... but I'm no dog. Even if I call him out on his lies and what he's been hiding we just argue about it for an hour or so, hen he needs his space to "get over it". Then he's fine. And I'm left thinking.... okay this is STILL unresolved.... and if I happen to bring it up, he says I thought we were over this...??? Why do you keep bringing it up. I'm all about giving credit where credit is due. I really am.... but he gets none... funnily enough, he had a dream the other night that we were at a party and I packed my bags and told him I'm leaving. He asked, the party and I said no you. He said he was all shook up over it. And then asked if I was thinking about leaving him. I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought a out leaving.... because of course I have. This just isn't working... Again
... mixed signals. I just really wonder why he married me and what his thought process was....
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What do you mean by "seek the truth in other ways..."? I want honesty. I really do... I don't think I'll find the answered I'm looking for on here. But every little bit helps.... especially since he won't really talk to me about the things that bother me. Which leads me to believe he doesn't care. Which kills me....
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Plus, he's SUPER good at lying.... I never know what's real or not. So, even when I ask something, I never know if it's the truth. So, I basically just take everything he says with a grain if salt.
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