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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not sure how to deal with this so I would like some opinions. Some background first. I have been married to my wife for 8 years now. We have 4 kids all under the age of 6. Yes, we are very busy. I am 35 and my wife is 30. I have a pretty good job and my wife owns businesses.
In the last couple of months my wife has taking a liking to going out and having a few drinks. Sometimes or actually most of the time she doesn't come home. She either sleeps at one of her businesses or at somebody's house.
I have tried to be supportive of these happenings because I did this when I was younger. She never had that opportunity since she dated a boring guy since she was 15 and I scooped her up after that.
Tuesday was our 8 year anniversary and she told me that she wanted to go to the ACC basketball tournament in North Carolina. My impression that this was for one day and she would be home later that night. She said she was going to go with 2 college kids(that I know). I think they are harmless since one has a girlfriend and the other I have never seen with a girlfriend before. On Wednesday, during a conversation she said "Well I won't be here tomorrow night". Apparently, I misunderstood or she forgot to mention that she was leaving Thursday afternoon and not returning Saturday evening. I was shocked and had to take awhile to let that sink in. I was still trying to be supportive but I thought this was going overboard on her part.
She left and I was very hurt and angry. I was under the impression that she thought this was ok so I called her and explained that it isn't normal to leave her family for 3 days with no notice and with 2 college kids. She said “who says this isn’t normal”. When I got home I looked for the note that says what hotel and other information that she said she left. It wasn’t there. I asked about it and she said “I left it on the counter”. It wasn’t there and it wasn’t a big deal to her that I couldn’t find it.
She is back now we mostly texted the time she was gone but I barely knew what she was doing and didn’t even get the hotel information until the next day.
I’m tired of typing now. Any opinions on this? She has never done anything like this but I don’t have a reason not to trust her. Sorry for the poor grammar.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Well we haven't talked yet. It is just business is usual. I got no hug or kiss when she came back yesterday. BTW the college kids are 19 and 21. When I say I know them it means I have been around them a few times and cordial but nothing more than that.
Am I off base by being upset and hurt over what she did? I don't feel comfortable around her with this new found "I am being selfish" phase of hers.
 

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The two of you need to sit down and have a long talk. You need to find out what is going on and why. No it is not usel for a wife to go off for a few days to a game with collage guys no more then it would be for you to go off with a couple of collage girls. There is one thing about being supportave and another about being foolish. Something tells me that there is an undelieing issue here. I could be wrong but if I were you I would want to find out. If need be have a third party there to make sure you both can talk.
 

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No, I don't think this is 'normal'. And I don't think it is reasonable either.

There really is nothing 'wrong' with your wife going off for a few days with a couple of college guys. Just because she chooses to does not neccessarily mean that there is anything going on.

But, the fact that she does so without notice, without detailing where she will be etc etc does make me wonder what she is playing at. Either she's up to something, she's trying to get a rise out of you, or she's very, very selfish.

Neither of those options is good, so I suggest that a good long talk is in order to get things cleared up.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Well we spoke a little bit today. I had to initiate the conversation and she said she was tired. The first question I asked was do you have any thing you want to say to me. Anything? She said no. Then she said no while looking in my eyes. I 90% believe her. I have never caught her in a lie that was anything like this so I have no reason not to believe her.
I told her I was hurt that she went. She asked why? I said "it's not that you left but it was how you left". She said "what do you want me to do". I said "I don't know but I would never do that to you and that is why I'm upset". She said "I would be hurt too". I asked her why should would do it then? She explained that "she has always cared about other people's feelings and never mine first". I'm fine with that explanation but we could have worked out a better time than just leaving with one days notice. She said "I'm sick of caring about everybody else's opinions". The baby woke up and I went and got him.
I know she is going through a phase or something but she should at least care about how I feel. I know this message is difficult to follow but I just needed to write it.
 

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It sounds to me as if your wife is overwhelmed with working and having four little ones to care for and is looking for a break from it all. Although I can understand her need for some time on her own, I agree with the other posts that it's not normal to take off for days with other men. I would feel pretty hurt by that myself. I know young children need 24/7 care and she probably feels that when she is home, she knows that she will not have time for herself, so she is forcing her alone time by socializing at night. It would be nice if you could talk to her and get to the bottom of what she's getting from this and see if she can get the same result in other ways that are not hurtful to you. No hug and kiss when she returned doesn't sound right either. It sounds as though you both could use some time together without the kids to talk and reconnect and work on fulfilling whatever needs she is feeling are not being met.
 

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Hello qq49h, let me start by saying I feel your pain in having to deal with a selfish person. My Wife was the very definition of the word for a long time and I had to try and teach her that her behavior was wrong.
I can't exactly compare your situation to the one I had to deal with, for your wife, I assume was not like this before and has consciously decided to do all that she is doing, despite your feelings.
If it's ok for her to go stay in a hotel with a couple of young guys then it should be ok for you to go stay in a hotel with a couple of young girls, right?
Of coarse it wouldn't be, and I don't even think that a 35 year old man can arrange that without having to pay. A thought!
Sorry to say but aside from giving her a taste of what she is trying to feed you, I don't see this ending anywhere good.
Also, not to be mean but I'm sorry, how dumb do you have to be to believe that a couple of guys, especially 19 and 21 year old guys have innocent intentions toward your wife and that her staying a couple of days in a hotel room with them is anything than what it appears to be.
Please, I think you will eventually have to make the hard decision and leave this marriage on your own or wait around for it too just get worse. I mean if she is now, just not coming home on the regular and boldly staying out for days with other men in a hotel, then what's next?
The phrase comes to mind, "be a man" set some ground rules. She will either respect you or leave and those should be her only options by the way.
She is testing the limits she perceives and is missing the whole point of being married and in a committed, I assume, loving relationship.
The next logical step in her quest of selfishness is divorce anyway. You will just be taking control of a situation she created and is in full control of at this time.

I feel for you so much and wish I had better things to say, but please don't give all of yourself to try and save someone that couldn't care less about your feelings.

I didn't offer my story of how I tamed the selfish beast in my household because like I said our situations don't compare. My Wife was selfish when I found her and I had to break her like a wild horse, yours adopted this behavior deliberately and has chosen you to prove her point(s) on.

I know it will be hard with children involved, but do try and take care of yourself and be a little selfish in return. Most bullies don't like the taste of their own medicine. This will either snap her into coherence or hasten the inevitable.

Good luck...
 

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There are plenty of ways for a woman to go out and have her alone time that do not involve "prime of their life" college boys. Really... how were you at that age... what a notch on their bedposts to get with a married older woman.

Also, the fact that you were being supportive and not facing your real feelings until she left is a bit of a problem... let her know how you feel otherwise you're just telling her it's ok! You said you got all that out of your system when you were younger... you mean you went out with horny girls while she sat at home?? I'm assuming you mean that you got it out of your system before the two of you got together.

One thing I'm noting is that she seems to have been with you since her mid teens. Are you the only man she's ever "been with"? If so, then she may just have a wild hair that she wants to know what it's like to be with someone else. In that case, you could do as one guy I knew did, and stand by her... let her know you're with her til the end and you'll be there when she's done meddling. It worked out for this guy I know, but that's not to say it would work out for everyone like that.

Like I said above, there are plenty of ways for a woman to get her alone time that don't involve horny boys... get her nails done, go to a spa day with her girlfriends, go on a cruise with her girlfriends, etc etc.

Best of luck to you, your post is screaming cheating to me. =)
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Well it has been a few days. We have spoke a couple times, she went to counseling yesterday, and I go today. On Tuesday, she said that she feels like she wants to be alone for awhile with the kids. I was devastated.
Talked again today and it seems like she just wants to simplify and that the things that were important before aren't anymore. For example, big house, nice cars,... She also doesn't want to be told how to live her life. Which she admits I never did. She mentioned that the counselor said that it is a shift in her life and she is making more of big deal than others. Then she said she wants to get a apartment and live on her own. She said that this was a little step to get through. I informed her that this a big step. She said"so your telling me what to do"? This is where I knew that is not much I can do right now. She wants to do what she wants to do. I doubt it but hopefully she will find out what is most important. Who knows what that is?
 

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I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. You're not 'telling her what to do', you are married and have 4 children to think about. Someone has to have them in mind as moving them from their home and away from their father is HUGE and she doesn't seem to be very concerned about it. I pray she comes to her senses, you have been more than patient with her.
 

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I don't think you are to blame for any of this. With the exception of permitting the trip with the students in the first place, you haven't played a wrong note. Committing to a marriage and a family is life bond. You don't get to just change your mind about it because you "want something new"--especially with children. Any long term relationship results in changes of feelings over time, usually by one person before the other, but the committment to stay together is important. Any longing for independence or adventure-seeking that she may have, she should be able to satisfy, and want to satisfy with you in the form of spicing things up, seeking counseling together, dating together etc. If she has shown that she has no interest in working it out with you, then I'm so sorry to hear it. Having just been done similarly by my long time girlfriend, I can empathize on a few levels. I think you should try to find out if she is willing to try and improve things with you, and if not I think YOU should cut her out of the picture. A 30 year old mother has no place going out drinking and crashing God-knows-where with God-knows who and taking weekend trips with college kids. If she thinks acting like an 18 year old girl is some kind of substitute for a committed marriage and motherhood, then she's obviously not fit fit for either and doesn't deserve them in the first place. i'm sorry that after so long your relationship has come to this point, and i do see the value in trying to work past this, but unless she can honestly tell you that she WANTS it to work, that she wants to try, then it can't.
 

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This is going to scar the kids for LIFE!! They will grow up and mock her behavior. Such a sad situation. Maybe you should seek counseling on how to deal with it with the children as to ease their liklihood that they'll repeat it. Best of luck. =)
 

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My wife is going through a similar patch. Thankfully we don't have any kids to drag through the mud. I have been married nearly 8 years and I AM the boring guy. She was a bit of a wild child, but she wanted to settle down. Now, she wants a taste of that again. She goes out drinking and staying over at friends, she has been distant, and finally she started a relationship with a guy at work (which I just found out about). She is in counseling to try to figure out what she really wants, but her actions so far have already given a pretty good indication of what she wants. My wife has said she will work on her marriage, but I think that is only because that is what she supposed to do, and that if "tries" a little longer, she can leave with a clearer conscience. Since we have no kids, it is only our potential future that might bring her back, which is why I have no hope for myself. However, your wife has kids, and I think that in the end she needs to focus on. Good luck to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
My wife is going through a similar patch. Thankfully we don't have any kids to drag through the mud. I have been married nearly 8 years and I AM the boring guy. She was a bit of a wild child, but she wanted to settle down. Now, she wants a taste of that again. She goes out drinking and staying over at friends, she has been distant, and finally she started a relationship with a guy at work (which I just found out about). She is in counseling to try to figure out what she really wants, but her actions so far have already given a pretty good indication of what she wants. My wife has said she will work on her marriage, but I think that is only because that is what she supposed to do, and that if "tries" a little longer, she can leave with a clearer conscience. Since we have no kids, it is only our potential future that might bring her back, which is why I have no hope for myself. However, your wife has kids, and I think that in the end she needs to focus on. Good luck to you.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I hope you guys can work it out. I know how it feels when your wife goes out and doesn't come back until the next morning. It has been a week since my wife said she wants to live by herself for awhile and I am starting to be OK with it. During this time I am going to work on reducing debt, improving my health, and spending as much time as I can with my kids. Good Luck
 
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