Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 77 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
29 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Wife of 21yrs, 4 kids, started a phone/texting affair with guy she met at regional night club, saw him twice. Upon discovery, not much remorse, wanted to explore relationship with him, got us into counseling, 2 visits, she refuses to go back.

Asked me to move out the last Tuesday, I refused, said it's on her to end this thing if she wants to - and she's free to leave any time. She's been talking to her friends, supposedly they're trying to cheer her up, and traveled the day before Father's Day to see her sister and brother in law.

It's been really bugging me that her friends are most likely supporting her decision to end "us" w/o so much as a discussion with me, working through our issues, etc.

Situation is complicated as I researched, and did some prying that the other guys learned about - so he broke it off with her. I know from phone and text records since that this is the case. And I have access to her email, Facebook, etc. Unless she's using someone else's phone, but she's been distant/grieving ever since I caused it to end. Won't admit it, but doing it all the same.

I called her sister this morning, and all she knew about the situation was that my wife is unhappy, has been for some time, and just wants to end it. I told her I was sorry for calling, but the next time she talked to wife, ask her about Chris from the town where they met. She had no idea about him at all.

I apologized for the call - again - and told her that I'm hoping that at least one person my wife talks to will caution her about her actions, and wanting suddenly - to me at least - to just leave our marriage of 21yrs, and put our 4 kids through this w/o so much as any counseling or us even talking about it at all.

I'm tempted to confront the other guy, or even his family - as supposedly he is divorced (they "grew apart") but I've pointed out to the wife that guys at a night club, meeting up with lonely/sad women, can say and do anything to get a little action on the side. I have my suspicions that he is still married, or their divorce (if it's happening at all) isn't finalized - and I sort of feel that this guy is f*ing with my life, I'm going f* with his right back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,418 Posts
Most of the guys here will tell you to go for exposure.

I think it makes you look petty and hurts your karma besides.

Go on with your own life, don't mess with other people's.

But I'm in the minority, so that's all I'll say.

Good luck whatever you choose.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
29 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Minor update.. Wife texted me this morning, asking if I was going to call her mother next, trying to "fix her". Told her I wasn't trying to fix her, just trying to get someone in her circle of friends/family to know the whole story, and urge some caution on her part in ending our marriage and plunging our kids into this.

It's been just 5 weeks since Discovery, and 3 weeks since OM ended it - and I've tried to make her see that as raw as we both are, is NOW the time to make the kind of decision she's suggesting - that I move out (not bloody likely) and that we separate/divorce.

She said "once again" I've made her upset and mad before work - I told her that's my world, pretty much 24/7 these days. She suggested that we talk later.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
29 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Most of the guys here will tell you to go for exposure.

I think it makes you look petty and hurts your karma besides.

Go on with your own life, don't mess with other people's.

But I'm in the minority, so that's all I'll say.

Good luck whatever you choose.
It actually felt petty doing it, but I'm glad I took the plunge. Two of the friends here in town were actually ON these trips with her, and I'm pretty sure that they each tell their husbands that they are going to the "outlet malls" to shop when they go on these trips. I was the only husband stupid enough to trust my wife, to go out dancing, etc. and not hook up with someone.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
I didn't expose for a long time.

It was a mistake. Numerous people on another board insisted that I expose her, I did not want to because I did not want to hurt her husband.

I only exposed her after she continued contacting my STBEH and also started spreading rumors and making trouble for me and stalking me.

My STBEH is not now seeing her and wants nothing to do with her, but had I exposed her earlier, she wouldn't have been able to make trouble for me.

In the end by trying to cause me trouble she screwed herself, but I would have saved myself a lot of grief had I exposed immediately.

Don't hit the OM, though, you can be charged with assault, just expose that will do more damage than a punch.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
29 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
"She said "once again" I've made her upset and mad before work - I told her that's my world, pretty much 24/7 these days. She suggested that we talk later."

LOL. Go Brian!
Believe me, I've been trying to do the 180, but I'm preparing for the worst. In her fantasy world (not the A fantasy, but the fantasy where she asks me to leave - and she and the kids have a "summer w/o Dad") she thinks that if we approach the kids "as adults" they'll follow our lead on how things play out.

I've told her that if we move to divorce, it's going to be very clear to the kids WHO wants it - I won't ever tell them about the A, but I think they're smart enough to figure it out eventually.

I will not in any way shape or form lie to them, or allow her to lie to them, about WHO wants to end this.

I realize that at some point * I* might need to file, to jolt her back to reality - but I'll only do so if she continues to make no move toward counseling or talking about anything with me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,948 Posts
Most of the guys here will tell you to go for exposure.

I think it makes you look petty and hurts your karma besides.

Go on with your own life, don't mess with other people's.

But I'm in the minority, so that's all I'll say.

Good luck whatever you choose.

The bold above does not make sense. That other person is already in his life. That person fvcked with br1am's life. I dont know how much more evil that could be.

I say expose away to the OM's family and friends. Expose away to your family and her's.

If you still feel like reconcilation later, the choice is yours. If you think you can live with a woman who's willing to throw her kids and you away for another man, with a woman you can no longer trust, with a woman who does not value the marriage, then the choice is yours.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
29 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Don't hit the OM, though, you can be charged with assault, just expose that will do more damage than a punch.
No intention to hit the OM, wasn't aware I had implied that, but it would be oh so sweet to make him acquainted with the business end of a hammer, or a 2x4 studded with some nails.. Ah sweet fantasies! (I kid of course.)

If she pushes this through to S then D, without so much as any more counseling, etc. I'm going scorched earth on him, and will do whatever I can to expose him to his family, friends and town.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,262 Posts
My mistake was not exposing that caused us some problems. It sounds like you would like to stay in the marriage but more inportant you have kids. If your wife gets mad let her and your reasons are that you are protecting the kids and yourself.

You have know idea who this pos is and what he really is about. My first advice is to stay cool and see a Dr right away and get checked out for STD's and take care of yourself.

Yes tell her mom, tell the husbands of the other wives what happend with our wife. get it done and do it fast.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
It actually felt petty doing it, but I'm glad I took the plunge. Two of the friends here in town were actually ON these trips with her, and I'm pretty sure that they each tell their husbands that they are going to the "outlet malls" to shop when they go on these trips. I was the only husband stupid enough to trust my wife, to go out dancing, etc. and not hook up with someone.
I hear ya.

My STBEH went on guy trips and boy's nights out. My friends would chastise me about giving him so much freedom. Even my brothers chastised me.

Also the STBEH's Other woman was also allowed to go on girl's nights out and girls only vacations.

She was cheating all along.

Both she and my sTBEH used those nights and trips to meet up and cheat.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,186 Posts
It actually felt petty doing it, but I'm glad I took the plunge. Two of the friends here in town were actually ON these trips with her, and I'm pretty sure that they each tell their husbands that they are going to the "outlet malls" to shop when they go on these trips. I was the only husband stupid enough to trust my wife, to go out dancing, etc. and not hook up with someone.
Don't listen to anyone who tells you NOT to expose, those come from those who've NEVER been thru marital infidelity before, so they don't know what they hell they're talking about.

If she won't end it or recommit to the marriage 100%, then you expose the affair to friends and family. Like you said, she's been demonizing you to friends and family so she can justify leaving you....except that she left out a major detail, because she's been having an affair.

So she met OM at a bar and banged him? What you need to do is investigate if the OM is married. Don't believe a word of what your WW says about the OM, she will do anything to protect her affair partner (they almost always do). If he's married or has a girlfriend, then expose the affair to the Other Man's Wife (OMW or OMGF). But remember first, that you need proof, so if you have solid evidence, then bring it to the OMW/OMGF.

Remember this: Exposure is NOT petty or vindictive. It's the RIGHT thing to do, don't let the cheater apologists tell you otherwise.

But now you've learned a hard lesson about these Girls Nights Out (GNOs) to nightclubs...they're a death sentence to any marriage.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
No intention to hit the OM, wasn't aware I had implied that, but it would be oh so sweet to make him acquainted with the business end of a hammer, or a 2x4 studded with some nails.. Ah sweet fantasies! (I kid of course.)

If she pushes this through to S then D, without so much as any more counseling, etc. I'm going scorched earth on him, and will do whatever I can to expose him to his family, friends and town.
I have had similar fantasy's both toward the OW and my STBEH.

It is just a fantasy though and I think such fantasies are normal after such a traumatic betrayal.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,303 Posts
IMO exposure serves a triple role. One it will most likely cause the OM social circle,wife, and/or parents to get the OM to back off. Most OM are in the fog too. The second purpose it serves it to stress the relation ship b/w OM and WW. They were having happy carefree relationship that seems perfect. Then suddenly WW and OM have issues to deal with that they weren't expecting.
The third is to give the BS some dignity back. As long as the OM is involved with BS, the OM is in the middle of BS life. So OM is fair game until he gets out of BS life.

remember all is fair in love and war. If someone comes after my wife again it will be war.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
121 Posts
My take is that you need to be open and honest with people about why you're separating but going out on a publicity campaign will likely backfire. I suspect you'll also be surprised how few people really take sides based on any kind of perceived fault. Many will refuse to take sides at all and the rest will likely base it on which of you they are closest too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
92 Posts
I was the only husband stupid enough to trust my wife, to go out dancing, etc. and not hook up with someone.
I have several thoughts:

  • First, it isn't your fault that you trusted her.
  • Second, exposing to more people depends on whether the A is still on. If it isn't and she is in withdrawal, give it time. If you aren't sure, can't be sure, and feel like there is a chance he contacts again, do it. The idea behind exposure is to make the A inconvenient. It carries some cost though. The more people know, the harder it is for her to recover quickly.
  • Finally, focus on yourself. If you do continue to want R, you will need to find the strength to help your W out of this. You will need to learn to listen and control anger. There is a lot of good material on what you will need to do to. Read it all.
  • Good luck. You didn't deserve this. People we love will sometimes hurt us in unimaginable ways. Only we control our happiness - not them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,186 Posts
Once again, Lord Mayhem, stop telling me about my own life.
I could care less about your life, and you can tell others what you want to, but I will tell those people not to listen to those with no experience in this matter.

Good people can disagree on things.
That's exactly what I'm doing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,182 Posts
Hey Brian---you can expose---that is fine---but

What YOU really have to decide here, is what do YOU really want from all of this---and what is YOUR life really gonna be like, when the dust settles

Is it really best for your kids, if you and your wife, are gonna spend the rest of your lives, fighting, or if nothing better in a basically hostile situation

If she wants out---let her go---you cannot impose your will on her------that situation, will not work for anyone

The 2 of you had better have some very serious FACE TO FACE TALKS, AND FIGURE THIS ALL OUT

If she does stay, in a situation she doesn't really wanna be in---she will cheat again, but next time she will take it way underground, and you WILL NOT KNOW

Once again---what do your really want for the rest of your life, and please do not use the kids as a reason to stay.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
29 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
I have had similar fantasy's both toward the OW and my STBEH.

It is just a fantasy though and I think such fantasies are normal after such a traumatic betrayal.
I agree... It's a traumatic experience, especially as she's never really expressed much remorse, just telling me the "truth" that she doesn't really want to work things out.

I tell her, that I'd like to be as good a friend to her throughout all this, and understanding - we started out as best friends a long time ago - but I haven't pointed out to her - yet - that she's done things to me, our family, that I wouldn't do to an enemy, much less a friend, and much less our family.
 
1 - 20 of 77 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top