Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 44 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've gotten some great advice from a lot of you on here so far and for that I am grateful. My sex life has gotten more comfortable for me and I think what we need is a little more spice to up our frequency. My husband has gotten LD since about 5 years ago and I'm still HD. My question is how do I tell my husband about my fantasies and get him to open up about his. Of course we both talked while we were dating about a threesome and agreed that would just be something we would share and never do epspecially once we got married. He knows that I like being spanked but I don't think he understands how much I like it. I also love when he tells me what to do in the bedroom. I can't fully open up to him about what I want. We've become boring, it's still great but it needs a little spice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,811 Posts
Tell him that the next time you have sex, you want him to tell you what to do, including by starting by him telling you to go to the bedroom. That way he can do it when he's ready and you can promise to do whatever he tells you to do (set up rules before hand if anything may be off limits).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Is he the type to get turned on by hearing your fantasies or feel threatened by them?
I can't really tell. We only ever discuss the threesome one which we share. He says he doesn't have any other than that and hasn't ever asked me if I have any other than that. I always bring it up by asking what his fantasies are in hopes that he will ask me what mine are. I couldn't tell if he enjoyed the spanking or not. He laughed a little in disbelief when I asked him to do it, because I had some wine, but he did it when he was sure I wanted it. I can't read him. Except like most guys I've met he's really turned on by the thought of two women at once.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,301 Posts
I'm sensing he's uncomfortable opening up about his fantasies. It does in a way make us vulnerable when we reveal them. The fear of course being perceived as perverted or even worse being ridiculed.

My suggestion is start by revealing some of yours. Hopefully once he see's you trust him enough to open up about your fantasies he will be inclined to do the same.

Personally, I think it's a wonderful way for partners in a committed relationship to get to know one another. It does require trust though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
133 Posts
Maybe send him a fun email about your fantasies. He could feel put on the spot if you just ask, and not share his thoughts as openly. This could be an opportunity for him to think about it and type his thoughts out. Maybe there would be less pressure or nerves of feeling put on the spot.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
I have scandalous fantasies (mostly BDSM) and I think they'll only stay in my head. Maybe I'd say them if I thought there was a chance in hell that my husband would oblige, but since I can't imagine that he would be interested at all, I don't think there is a point. Especially since I feel it is taboo.

It sounds like you've told your husband your fantasies already about the spanking. I guess he's just not into it? I'd love for my husband to do that, too. But if he asked me to spank him, I don't know if I could bring myself to do it, so that's why I don't ask - I know how I'd feel about being asked to do something I didn't want to do.

A few months ago, my H and I went away for a weekend, and I bought the very light bondage game, I think it's called Fantasy Island or Pleasure Island, with blindfolds, and spanking. Maybe that's a good way to break the ice.

I was very excited to play this with my husband and he went along with it, but he wasn't into it at all. Oh well. I'll just vicariously live through the erotic books that I read.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,301 Posts
I have scandalous fantasies (mostly BDSM) and I think they'll only stay in my head. Maybe I'd say them if I thought there was a chance in hell that my husband would oblige, but since I can't imagine that he would be interested at all, I don't think there is a point. Especially since I feel it is taboo.
I could envision that if you revealed these fantasies he may feel you're asking him to engage in them which may not be something he's interested in. That could cause some defensiveness. Is there a way to discuss them such that he didn't feel you were asking him to make them happen? It could stimulate some serious arousal.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
133 Posts
Yeah, I think revealing your fantasies with your spouse is like playing a game of chicken. My wife and I are really starting to open up sexually with each other, but I still feel like she isn't sharing her fantasies with me...at least all of them.

I know I haven't shared everything with her. It is like playing chicken a little. I start with the smaller things like what I'd like her to wear during sex (i.e. thigh highs, stripper heels, etc.). I haven't revealed my desire to make a sex tape with her because the fantasies she has revealed to me wouldn't warrent that to be revealed yet. Its hard trying to get your spouse to really open up because we probably don't completely due to our desire not to look crazy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
192 Posts
It is ironic that the people we want to be most intimate with are those with whom we feel it is hardest to share our deepest desires.

Even when my wife talks about sex and the things she likes I struggle to open up and tell her my desires, perhaps in fear that her shock or disapproval of my hardcore desires might end our relationship or perhaps because the way our partner judges us means a lot more than the judgement by others. It is more comfortable to pretend you don't like something when in fact you do.

I have accepted that my lifelong desires to dominate women are not so taboo (thanks to feedback on this forum), but I am struggling to face my wife with those needs, partly because they might shock her. I pretty much suppressed those feelings for most of my life and it is only now I am starting to speak publicly of them.

Good posts above! Thanks for the OP hopelesslove, I hope by reflecting on my situation, as a man, it might add some insight into your husbands feelings... perhaps.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
It is ironic that the people we want to be most intimate with are those with whom we feel it is hardest to share our deepest desires.
So true. Why is that? Is it fear of embarrassment? rejection? being laughed at? being thought less of.

With the support from this forum, any day now, when the timing is right (which it never seems to be...but I'll do it soon....one day.... imminently...) I will be having the courage to discuss with my husband, not my fantasies - that's asking too much - but my sexual desires and what I'd like him to try, and do different, and books I'd like him to read, and things that feel good. So I'll start there and see how it goes. That's step one for me. Who knows if fantasies will follow.

Why in the world is it so hard to talk about these things? And I have a strong feeling that when I finally do - when I finally get the courage speak up, that it will not be a conversation. It will be me talking, and him saying, "ok," and things staying exactly the same.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
192 Posts
Why in the world is it so hard to talk about these things? And I have a strong feeling that when I finally do - when I finally get the courage speak up, that it will not be a conversation. It will be me talking, and him saying, "ok," and things staying exactly the same.
Speaking for myself, I find that I can have a predicated conversation in my head, where I have the answer even as I am talking to my partner (I don't wait for their reply). It is because of that "Strong feeling" you mention, when I feel strongly about something I find it hard to talk and I imagine a negative reply.

I might not give my wife a chance to say more than "OK" because I am already running in front of her. She may have never considered my proposals in as much depth as I have so when it is an important topic for me then I have to remember to hold back and let her digest what I am saying, check with her own emotions/memories/hopes and then get back to me. (Easily said, I don't often follow my own advice lol ).

On some topics that might take minutes or even a day. This is why I feel that I get an "OK" when I was expecting and hopping for more. I guess all we can do is 'drops some seeds' and let them sprout over time into something we can enjoy...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,301 Posts
Much has been made of "trickle truth" in this forum, of course in an entirely different context. It would be my suggestion that the revelation of fantasies follow a similar pattern.

You may not want to throw it all out there at once. Reveal the more minor things first and based on your partners response give out more as you feel more comfortable about their potential response.
 
Joined
·
5,148 Posts
I purchased a book entitled "My Secret Fantasies.. The Lover's Book of Sharing" by Kate F. Moore at Barnes and Noble. It is a book with lots of very simple questions to answer. There are many topics listed and the reader checks the boxes "ordinary" "exciting" or "uncomfortable" next to each topic or statement. In other sections, there are sentences that the reader completes or comments on.

I purchased two identical books and my wife and I each filled out our own book with answers. It was VERY interesting to read what my wife's fantasies involved. I like this book because it is non threatening and very simple. It will spark some great conversations along with a bottle of wine next to the fireplace! :smthumbup:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Try sending him a text or an e-mail with some positions you'd like to try.
There are a lot of apps that allow sending something like KamaSutra pics from your phone - check this for example.

Start with this and see if it works :smthumbup:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I definitely think talking does lay it all out there and makes you vulnerable. Plus talking sorta takes the fun out of it. When hubby's in the moment he's open to a lot more adventure and he sparked some of these fantasies I now have with him. He's been very dominant and he's pinned me down/ told me what he's wanted. Now I can't help but want more of that. I will definitely try the emails and maybe even pack some stuff for the trip we have coming up soon.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
42 Posts
Why do you struggle to open up to her? That part I don't understand and feel like my BF is doing the same. I'm wanting to hear what his fantasies are. And guess what, if you tell me I might just want to do them with you. That's why I'm asking. Lol.


[
It is ironic that the people we want to be most intimate with are those with whom we feel it is hardest to share our deepest desires.

Even when my wife talks about sex and the things she likes I struggle to open up and tell her my desires, perhaps in fear that her shock or disapproval of my hardcore desires might end our relationship or perhaps because the way our partner judges us means a lot more than the judgement by others. It is more comfortable to pretend you don't like something when in fact you do.

I have accepted that my lifelong desires to dominate women are not so taboo (thanks to feedback on this forum), but I am struggling to face my wife with those needs, partly because they might shock her. I pretty much suppressed those feelings for most of my life and it is only now I am starting to speak publicly of them.

Good posts above! Thanks for the OP hopelesslove, I hope by reflecting on my situation, as a man, it might add some insight into your husbands feelings... perhaps.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
192 Posts
Why do you struggle to open up to her? That part I don't understand and feel like my BF is doing the same. I'm wanting to hear what his fantasies are. And guess what, if you tell me I might just want to do them with you. That's why I'm asking. Lol.


[
Posted via Mobile Device
Hi Lovesong
My wife's opinion of me and respect for me is very important to me and our relationship. In a way I turn to my wife when I define myself, when she says I am handsome I feel positive, for example. I don't mean I depend on her (I know myself), but rather I consider her perception of me as being a gage of the quality of our relationship. Whilst she communicates love, attraction, intimacy and respect I feel the relationship is working.

So if I were to lay my cards on the table and for her to judge me as being not the person she wants to be with or she starts to see me as a bad/sick person, would mean I would need to reconsider my self view and our relationship.

In a worse case scenario perhaps it could end a healthy relationship or mean I have to oppress myself for the rest of our married lives, but this is what I must consider. A bit extreme you might think, but I am trying to explain why it is hard to tell my partner. :)

What do you think about that, I would be interested if you think these ideas applies to you and/or your partner (or others reading this)?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Hi Lovesong
My wife's opinion of me and respect for me is very important to me and our relationship. In a way I turn to my wife when I define myself, when she says I am handsome I feel positive, for example. I don't mean I depend on her (I know myself), but rather I consider her perception of me as being a gage of the quality of our relationship. Whilst she communicates love, attraction, intimacy and respect I feel the relationship is working.

So if I were to lay my cards on the table and for her to judge me as being not the person she wants to be with or she starts to see me as a bad/sick person, would mean I would need to reconsider my self view and our relationship.
In a worse case scenario perhaps it could end a healthy relationship or mean I have to oppress myself for the rest of our married lives, but this is what I must consider. A bit extreme you might think, but I am trying to explain why it is hard to tell my partner. :)

What do you think about that, I would be interested if you think these ideas applies to you and/or your partner (or others reading this)?
I don't think it's a matter of reconsidering your self view. I mean they are your fantasies and the other person needs to understand that they are just that if you open up about them. If you guys choose to act them out together so be it, if not then they must continue to live in fantasy world. I guess the question is then can you live with them being just a fantasy if the other person is not game. Also if its the dominating fantasy I think this one is a little harder to share/grasp as I was reading your previous post. This really lays a lot on the table especially if misinterpreted. My husband doesn't seem to get the concept of my wanting to be dominated and he's not seeming open, so that one will be most likely just my dreamworld fantasy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
192 Posts
Hi Hopelesslove
Thaks for the feedback.
So you think it is better to speak up and explain to your partner?

I was interested to hear your own approach, would you honestly be satisfied to let your desires remain in fantasy world indefinately? I am not sure I would choose so, I am tired of repressing them. Just wondering where you stand on that. :)
 
1 - 20 of 44 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top