Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I am a bisexual female in my mid 40's. My husband is 55. We have been married for 17 years and dated (lived together) 3 years before marriage. We are very open in our communication of our desires, fantasies, and needs both inside the bedroom and out. We are very respectful of each others boundaries. We have taken our sex life to very satisfying highs. We are considering entertaining some of our mutual fantasies on a more "involved" level. Starting out by sticking a toe in the water before we jump into deep waters and we both have mutually agreed on boundaries and the willingness to discontinue advancement of engaging in anything that the other is not comfortable. I utterly trust my husband and he confesses the same for me. We do not have fidelity issues. I am not here to solicit in anyway but what I am seeking is the mature experience or wisdom of those who have experience or knowledge in the arena we are discussing. We are entertaining the thought of a menages a trois both MMF & FFM but we are no where near ready to jump into anything headfirst. We enjoy voyeurism and exhibitionism and although we have not actively participated in either we thought that might be a way to dip the toe. We were thinking of actually going out of town or doing something via internet whilst our identities are kept private via masks. It would be in such a way that there would be no other contact with the other parties after the event for we are not introducing someone into our emotional relationship, just sexually. We thought that from there, if we both were still interested, we could move into locating willing parties to participate with us and there are other issues to consider..sexual health, defining boundaries for what would take place between us. We think that remaining as anonymous as reasonable, going somewhere out of town/state, with no further contact with the 3rd party would be the safest way to ensure emotional attachments do not form. We have no hesitation with pulling back if we feel in our relationship would be threatened. Has anyone ever done this? Did you have any issues and what were they? Is there any advice for those who may have had a pleasurable outcome and enjoyed it? What guidelines did you use? I can see completely where entering in a relationship has real dangerous of causing damage. I've read the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts and really have researched a great deal about all aspects of sexuality in the male & female brain. We are very mature. We are completely comfortable with our sexuality and have indulged in the delights of each other and we are just wanting to expand on those now. We both agree that an evening of "fun" isn't worth a lifetime of commitment so we are both anxious and excited to hear what others have to say on the same token we aren't in a hurry to make it happen. Thanks for any advice or insights others may have. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,243 Posts
to ensure emotional attachments do not form.
You cannot ensure this. Inviting a third person into your marriage in any way is inviting disaster. Why couples even consider this is totally beyond me.

If your spouse isn't everything you want sexually, then don't call it a marriage, because by definition a marriage is still between TWO consenting adults.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,578 Posts
Arguments of what a marriage is or isn't aside, I'm curious as to why you would want someone and have no further contact with them? If you are going down this road, I would think that safety, which would probably mean a single male or female (or one of both) that you could create an exclusive relationship with, rather than someone new (and risky) every time you wanted to indulge.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
You cannot ensure this. Inviting a third person into your marriage in any way is inviting disaster. Why couples even consider this is totally beyond me.

If your spouse isn't everything you want sexually, then don't call it a marriage, because by definition a marriage is still between TWO consenting adults.
Well, he is everything I want and to be honest with you our relationship can happily stay right where it is. We just wanted to add to our experiences the physical pleasure of being with another and seeing one another pleased. It's something new. I do understand where you are coming from and I completely respect your perspective. It's just not mine. And there is a huge difference between fantasy and reality of physical presence...that doesn't mean I couldn't live without it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
To Chris, I wouldn't say we might not would like to be with the same person for that very reason but I've heard stories, known friends etc..where the introduction of someone more into the personal lives leads to a deeper relationship. My husband feels more threatened by this than do I which perks my ears because then I'm like...is there a lack of trust or a feeling of inadequacy on his end which would have to be explored more. He asked me if the thought of him with another woman made me jealous and I said no. Maybe that's abnormal. I'm just not a jealous person. I don't want him to leave me for anyone though. I love him and we enjoy each other so much. We've worked hard at our relationship. Maybe he's afraid I'll leave him. Although this has been a primary fantasy of mine, he is the one who approached the idea of us testing some waters. Maybe my lack of jealousy makes him feel something I'm not aware of, maybe he's doing it because he thinks he needs to for me although I have never ever pressured him for that, we've strictly talked about our fantasies and it's not an obsession we hover over. I don't want him to feel threatened into this. It's not that big of a deal. There are subconscious networks in our brains and triggers are going to be tripped if it goes there..because we are human and there is a primal reasons for these feelings which served to enhance the survival of our species (and others) so that has to be acknowledged. Excellent feed back. Food for thought. I guess I am just so open minded, to honest for my own good at times, and trusting. Thank you.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
573 Posts
Elianna,

This forum skews very heavily toward monogamous marriages, so you may not get the kind of advice you're looking for here. There used to be a few members who are/were in open marriages and had very successful and strong marriages, but they no longer post here. I can't remember their screennames or I'd tell you to go back and read some of their posts.

I've never been in an open relationship myself (at least not knowingly), so I can't give direct advice. Just wanted to give you a heads up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
To Dave: Thank you. I was trying to find a place that was as neutral as possible. I don't want anyone to delude me into believing either way. I haven't found a lot of research on the subject. I stumbled on this site and it seemed a safe haven to ask my questions in earnest. I appreciate your advice and I believe I will find some help. I've never been in an open relationship either. Right now we haven't crossed any thresholds just talked about it. Once again, thank you for your input.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
573 Posts
Check it out this ongoing thread to see the kinds of responses most people get when they ask about threeways. Of course the situation in that thread is very different as the H is manipulating the W, but you can still pretty clearly see the attitudes most people on TAM have about open relationships.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Seamaiden: Yes, I think that would be helpful and when I mentioned getting our toes wet that was along those lines...let's go and see for ourselves and project ourselves in that scenario a little more and see what we feel internally. It might flip triggers we both were not aware of it. Thanks again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
Thanks Dave, that was insightful and I appreciate that. I have a lot of subconscious undercover work to do as well. I have a great husband and anytime we have ever said "no go" we both respect that with love. The reason I am here is to prevent anything from damaging our relationship. When my husband gets home, I will share with him what I have learned today because he is researching too and he's not pushing anything. This is something we have just discussed. We just both like sex..a lot. I just told him that before we even decided to get our toes wet, even just looking, that we needed to talk with others about their experiences and how that all transpired. I want to thank everyone here. The input has been very important and it is appreciated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
185 Posts
To Chris, I wouldn't say we might not would like to be with the same person for that very reason but I've heard stories, known friends etc..where the introduction of someone more into the personal lives leads to a deeper relationship. My husband feels more threatened by this than do I which perks my ears because then I'm like...is there a lack of trust or a feeling of inadequacy on his end which would have to be explored more. He asked me if the thought of him with another woman made me jealous and I said no. Maybe that's abnormal. I'm just not a jealous person. I don't want him to leave me for anyone though. I love him and we enjoy each other so much. We've worked hard at our relationship. Maybe he's afraid I'll leave him. Although this has been a primary fantasy of mine, he is the one who approached the idea of us testing some waters. Maybe my lack of jealousy makes him feel something I'm not aware of, maybe he's doing it because he thinks he needs to for me although I have never ever pressured him for that, we've strictly talked about our fantasies and it's not an obsession we hover over. I don't want him to feel threatened into this. It's not that big of a deal. There are subconscious networks in our brains and triggers are going to be tripped if it goes there..because we are human and there is a primal reasons for these feelings which served to enhance the survival of our species (and others) so that has to be acknowledged. Excellent feed back. Food for thought. I guess I am just so open minded, to honest for my own good at times, and trusting. Thank you.
The part I bolded sticks out to me slightly... My partner and I sound similar to you and your husband, only in reverse. He is bi and the most un-jealous person I've ever met, and while I consider both of us open minded, he's much more sexually experienced. We've discussed a threesome as well; he's had several when in a previous relationship but I haven't, and we do have one person that I believe would be a good fit for something like that. But the reason we've not jumped into that sort of thing is I don't think I can handle it at this point. I have jealousy issues and insecurities that I believe could lead to damaging our relationship if we were to engage in something like that, and the insecurities are not helped at all by his lack of jealousy. At this point, I don't see a threesome leading us to a deeper relationship, just resentment on my part.

I know that's just who he is now, and I wouldn't want him to be super jealous and controlling, but early on in our relationship, he suggested that if I found someone else I wanted to sleep with, he was fine with sharing me. Maybe I'm the weird one, but that was devastatingly hurtful to me. I don't know if any of this is what's going on with your husband, but finding out my partner was absolutely fine with the idea of me sleeping with other people made me feel absolutely worthless to him, and for a while I was being a lot more sexually outgoing than normal, because I was convinced that that meant he was thinking of leaving me and I needed to up my sex game.

My honest opinion is if your husband truly feels threatened, I wouldn't go through with it until you can address that with him and make sure he really wants to do this, because it could wind up damaging a successful relationship if not handled carefully. .
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,301 Posts
I have never participated but I am fascinated by what the people involved refer to as the "lifestyle". My understanding is that's it's very responsible and respectful. As in you are supposed to be able to participate as little or as much as you like with absolutely no pressure put on you by anyone.

It would be my suggestion that you start out by going to a "lifestyle" event. Not a sexual one but these clubs often have social events meant only to be networking events where nothing explicit goes on. You can meet with people and try to learn what it's all about. From there go forward very slowly with the understanding that either one can call it off at any point no questions asked.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Thank you all very much for the replies. My husband and I both have an extremely open relationship with one another. I mean we tell each other everything. There is no pressure from either one of us. The truth is you don't know how your psyche is truly going to react until you're close enough to it that you can actually project with some close approximation of what it may be like before you say ya or a nay. We will start by actually learning more and just seeing what it's all about and learning about the lifestyle. We both are looking out for each others well being as well as our own. My lack of jealousy truly stems from deep trust. Not only trust in him but within myself and as corny as this may sound within the universe. I do believe that with mindful thought we both will know to the core of our being is this something we really want to do or is it best left as is..a fantasy...and either way is a okay. My husband and I neither one encourage or endorse having affairs or "open" marriage. We are really talking about if from many different perspectives and we are not going to put ourselves in a situation where we knee jerk and do something that we can't pull back from. Neither one of us have heard many positive outcomes but then the ones we know weren't on solid ground before they participated and the didn't have well defined boundaries either. It will be interesting for here from those who are involved and have had pleasing experiences in this arena. Once again thank you all very much,
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
My husband and I, after researching, discussing between ourselves and asking deep questions of ourselves apart, mutually decided that is not something we are going to introduce into our marriage. One reason is because of information we have found on-line (to include input at this site), personal accounts we are aware of and the end results were not positive, and because of who we are as people. Sex can be just sex simply for physical pleasure and that was where we would have attempted to keep it. If it would have remain contained in that sterile tube we will not know and is that the kind of sex we truly find appealing. Sex between my husband and is very open, an expression of our love and trust for one another. We also took into account the well-being of a 3rd party. Maybe they would be okay being treated as if their emotional needs would not play a vital role in this pleasure, but it would probably mind to us. As caring as we are, whomever was involved there would have to be some emotional and intellectual connectivity,..hence doors can open and you just don't know the psychological effects of that and being with someone for just a quick flip in the bed in our minds lacks some of what makes great sex great. We are sapiosexual. We would like to think that we could turn off those inner feelings but when we really looked at it hard we knew that wasn't completely realistic. We decided the risks outweighed the benefits of the experience. The mutual disappointment of closing the door was fleeting when we kept in perspective the dangers and it further solidified our marriage. Not to mention, lining something up like this, being who we are, safety concerns, finding a good fit etc..takes a lot of work and energy and that was another issue..is this where we want to spin our wheels or are there other experiences and ways of sharing that would be a greater benefit to all concerned. Our sex life is very satisfying and this adventure opened our eyes to some new ways in which we would like to pleasure one another and spice it up. We also found some areas that were not actually of a sexual orientation but were parts of ourselves as human beings that needed some fulfillment. It's easy to get distanced from meaningful friendships and connectivity on a larger scale in the day to day grind. We both are creative and tend to curl up in our creative shell too long or too much. I'll be open and honest and say that physically between us, we have done everything imaginable that we can physically perform together, within our mutual boundaries. Let's face it some folks get their kicks in VERY unconventional manners. I guess it depends on who you are and where you stand on defining "kinky" and "squicky". We aren't straight up vanilla but our kinks don't fit into a hardcore "squick" bucket either. We know our fantasies are not uncommon (in fact quite the norm in many cases). We've been together faithfully, for 20+ years (17 years of marriage). It's easy to mislead yourself into thinking that when crossing certain boundaries you can say without a doubt "I can keep this in perspective and handle anything that comes my way" but the truth is...you don't know until you go there. We mutually decided our relationship was too valuable to but at risk (as well as the effects that it could have one all involved). The fantasies don't just go away.(which I like!..how dull life with would be without an imaginations..one of the perks of being uniquely human). Luckily my husband can share these with one another if we so desire and we are quick to point out each others securities if it gives rise to defensive mechanisms..but only because we truly trust one another. At times, there will be the desire to have fantasies fully realized but it is good not to get everything we want, for then we open to value nothing and sometimes we can totally miss the gold nugget that is the truth within questioning the nature of our being and why we are feeling this way or why we throw up our defenses. It's worth exploring. It isn't easy because brutal honesty is required with oneself but it has made me come to deep realizations about myself, others and the world around me. I hope this helps anyone who is considering this. I don't judge anyone's sexual practices or fantasies but I would speak up and out if it came to activities that involved unsolicited pain and think most of you know those areas without explicit detail...other than that may we enjoy the pleasures of being a sexual being and fully enjoy those on a deep level within the safe haven or your marriage/relationship. I want leave without saying there are some out there who do live alternative lifestyles and I assume their mindset and marriage fits that mold but it's very rare but for those to whom it works I am happy for and a bit jealous too! More commonly though, somewhere down the road, according to what I have learned, it's rare that issues do not arise, most devastating beyond repair. I'm never here to sway but I'm always willing to lend an ear if needed. Best wishes to all and thanks for the input... it helped a great deal.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,301 Posts
It's probably for the best. I doubt you risk anything by not getting involved in the "lifestyle" versus the contrary where there are a variety of potential risks.

It doesn't mean you have to eliminate it as fodder for your fantasy life together. ;)
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top