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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Ok. So my wife and I watched a show about open relationships. We got into a long discussion about what rules we would have if we were in an open relationship. The rules were you could only meet people via Facebook or Xbox Live. Then you could only meet the person in real life after 1 year. We both agreed. The problem is.....turns out it was a trap. After a week or so she tells me that it was all a ploy to see if I would agree.

Her Side
She says that I shouldn't have agreed because I should not want to be with anyone else and I should not want her to be with anyone else.

My Side
I say that even though I agreed, I didn't participate. I didn't talk to anyone or try to date anyone because I don't need or want anyone.

Her Side
Then she says that it doesn't matter that I didn't participate. What matters is that I agreed in the first place.

My Side
I say that it doesn't matter that I agreed. What matters is that I didn't even try to be with anyone.
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Now she is talking about divorce. Am I wrong or is she wrong? How can I fix this? Please help. All opinions and advice are welcome.




UPDATE:
After much deliberation I decided to just listen to everything she had to say without me interjecting or trying to defend myself. I described to her how I understood everything she was saying and used great detail to show that I actually was paing attention. She agreed to give me a second chance and gave me three months to prove that she is the only woman for me and that I want this relationship. Afterwards I bbrought up the part about her being deceitful. After convincing her that I was not just trying to shift the blame (took a little bit) she explained to me that it was past argument about my priorities in life that lead her to believe that she needed deceite. I I explained that I understood. I agreed to the three months probation. (As she was correct in her motives) And that is that. Thank you to everyone for your help.
 

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Weren't you discussing a hypothetical? Not a how to WHEN you do it? A hypothetical is how you would IF (and only if) you actually wanted to and did pursue it with each other's approval.

So, unless it wasn't a hypothetical, she's out of line. You should be able to discuss anything without fear of reprisals - those should only happen if you follow through unilaterally.
 

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We both agreed. The problem is.....turns out it was a trap. After a week or so she tells me that it was all a ploy to see if I would agree.
Most (but not all) people on this forum are against open relationships. However, no matter how you feel about them, she is in the wrong here. You are both missing the important point: there is a major trust issue here.

She agreed. You agreed. Now she broke the agreement and says she was just testing you. How can you trust her again? If she pulls stunts like this, how could you ever discuss things openly and honestly again? I can't stress how important that is.

Now she is talking about divorce.
She might be doing you a favor, it sounds like you both aren't ready for marriage yet. This game she played with you is something you would expect from teenagers, not married adults.

How can I fix this?
If this is really an issue that she can't get past, then I recommend marriage counseling. But honestly, the fact that you would have to resort to marriage counseling (not to mention divorce) over such an immature thing is telling in and of itself.
 

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Well, I am surprised she got through a long discussion on it. She must have been hoping the whole time that you would call it off, that you would say there is no way you would ever even consider that. I bet that is what she was hoping.

Yes, it was a **** test. We women do them a lot. But that is a major one to fail, OP.

If I were you, I would sit down and have a heart to heart. Mostly you listening to her heart. If she is considering divorce, you are in a lot of trouble.

Use active listening. Basically repeat back to her what she tells you she is feeling or thinking, or better yet, paraphrase it. But listen sincerely. Seek to understand. Tell her, "Help me understand," -- and then genuinely try to.

Don't listen to people telling you she is wrong. She doesn't feel that way, and she is the one you are dealing with. Women's emotions are not the same as men's logic.

Good luck. Really, good luck pulling out of this one.
 

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Play with fire and you usually get burned
There are people who swallow flaming batons, and juggle them. So under controlled it provides and intense thrill.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Yes, it was a **** test. We women do them a lot. But that is a major one to fail, OP.
I respect your input :) I am not disputing that I was wrong in agreeing to the relationship. What I was trying to tell her was that I think there should be more focus on the fact that I stayed completely faithful even when given free reign to do whatever. She says my actions don't matter in the slightest.

What is your input on that jld?
 

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I think your wife's point is that you had no problem with her seeing another man. The average man would like variety of of sex with another woman.

However, they have strong negative feelings about their wives being with OM. Love makes most men possessive and protective of the woman.

You don't mind sharing your wife and you don't mind that she may be at risk with OM. You don't care enough that she would even want another man.

If I were in her place, I would reconsider who I married and if you were the type of man I wanted in my life.

You didn't do it because you did not have the opportunity yet. You had no way of knowing if she would go out that w/e and pick up some guy. Nor did it concern you.

But that's who you are. She may not have known that the bond you felt to her was so weak.

Or that sex for you is a pleasure seeking activity and not a confirmation of your love and caring for your wife.

Are you sure you want to stay married to your wife? It is possible that you don't love her but she is a convenience companion.
 

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I respect your input :) I am not disputing that I was wrong in agreeing to the relationship. What I was trying to tell her was that I think there should be more focus on the fact that I stayed completely faithful even when given free reign to do whatever. She says my actions don't matter in the slightest.

What is your input on that jld?
JDR, why did you agree in the first place? What does marriage mean to you?

Okay, she was wrong to ever participate in that discussion, and to let it go on as long as it did. A week? Wow. Again, I don't know how she made it through the discussion, much less lasted a week. I would have been boiling if dh had not immediately told me not to even consider such a thing, that he would never allow it. That's the reaction I would expect if I ever brought something like that up.

JDR, women are sensitive. Just the thought of our man doing something, without his actually doing it, cuts us to the quick. She probably has terrible self-doubt now, and terrible doubt in you. She feels like if you agreed to even possibly betray her, it is as good as betraying her.

I would just come clean on the whole thing, admit it was stupid and wrong and you never should have even contemplated it. Humbly ask her to give you another chance.

Transparency, and active listening, and sincere apologizing. That's what I suggest.
 

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And then tell her... no more sh*t tests. Because that is bs.... I don't get why people do that, seems immature. Ruins honesty.

I think if you want to keep her you might have to cave...for the sake of the marriage. I think she owes you an apology also, but I don't think you'll get it. Guess you have to figure out how much you want to save this relationship vs. being right.
 

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And then tell her... no more sh*t tests. Because that is bs.... I don't get why people do that, seems immature. Ruins honesty.

I think if you want to keep her you might have to cave...for the sake of the marriage. I think she owes you an apology also, but I don't think you'll get it. Guess you have to figure out how much you want to save this relationship vs. being right.
:iagree:

**** tests are wrong, but some of us women do them. I know better, but I did one a few weeks ago (not as bad as this one). Can't help myself sometimes, I guess.

If you commit to transparency, OP, you will be setting a great example for her. Be the leader in this. She will come to trust you, and she will feel safe enough to be transparent, too.
 

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Seems like he was being transparent when they had a real, two-way conversation that bit him in the a**. Soooooooooooo, in this case isn't it more like ....guard what you say? Which sucks. I'd tell her that too... later, after apologizing/groveling.

"We" don't do them. It makes no sense.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
You didn't do it because you did not have the opportunity yet. You had no way of knowing if she would go out that w/e and pick up some guy. Nor did it concern you.

But that's who you are. She may not have known that the bond you felt to her was so weak.

Or that sex for you is a pleasure seeking activity and not a confirmation of your love and caring for your wife.
Catherine602. I didn't ask you to judge me. You don't even know me or my character. I respect and appreciate your opinion up to the point where you decided you knew me.

I think your wife's point is that you had no problem with her seeing another man. The average man would like variety of of sex with another woman.

However, they have strong negative feelings about their wives being with OM. Love makes most men possessive and protective of the woman.

You don't mind sharing your wife and you don't mind that she may be at risk with OM. You don't care enough that she would even want another man.

If I were in her place, I would reconsider who I married and if you were the type of man I wanted in my life.
Catherine602. This is the part I respect. Thank you for your input.
 

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Catherine602. I didn't ask you to judge me. You don't even know me or my character. I respect and appreciate your opinion up to the point where you decided you knew me.







Catherine602. This is the part I respect. Thank you for your input.

Open your eyes and you may learn something. Frankly your response is telling.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
JDR, why did you agree in the first place? What does marriage mean to you?

Okay, she was wrong to ever participate in that discussion, and to let it go on as long as it did. A week? Wow. Again, I don't know how she made it through the discussion, much less lasted a week. I would have been boiling if dh had not immediately told me not to even consider such a thing, that he would never allow it. That's the reaction I would expect if I ever brought something like that up.

JDR, women are sensitive. Just the thought of our man doing something, without his actually doing it, cuts us to the quick. She probably has terrible self-doubt now, and terrible doubt in you. She feels like if you agreed to even possibly betray her, it is as good as betraying her.

I would just come clean on the whole thing, admit it was stupid and wrong and you never should have even contemplated it. Humbly ask her to give you another chance.

Transparency, and active listening, and sincere apologizing. That's what I suggest.
Thank you again jld. I will gladly take your advice. I realized I f***** up and I understand why. I am just trying to save what is left of our marriage.
 
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