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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I'm 28, he's 30.
Been married for 3 years, I'm pregnant with baby #2.

Backstory: In the first few years of our relationship, I moved out of province to nanny for a family and got lonely. I slept with a guy I met online.

My husband (boyfriend at the time), found out I was seeing this guy through my Instagram account. Confronted me, and I told him what I did.

We got over it (though, obviously not deep enough, as issues regarding me sleeping with this other person still come up 8 years later). It turns out, when my husband found out about this other person, he actually liked it. And our relationship took a strange turn. We began experimenting with "cuckold" or "hotwife" fantasies where I would sleep with others and send him pictures or tell him about it.

I semi regularly checked in with him, making sure he is still okay with the arrangement and he never once spoke up about changing anything.

Fast forward to me being pregnant with baby #2... Every time we get pregnant, we take a break from this cuckold "life style" for obvious reasons. Well, it turns out that when I was pregnant with baby #1, I find out he frequented strip clubs and paid strippers for blow jobs and sex. This was obviously not part of out arrangement, even without me being pregnant. But it hurts even more to find out that he did it while I was pregnant (and we were both supposed to be focussing on our relationship and soon new baby).

Upon further investigation, I find out he's been on 11+ dating sites, messaging both men and women (telling some women that he would meet up with them, I never "caught" him saying this to men, but he did tell me he exchanged nude photos with men and women... Looking for "validation"), he tells me he has a sexual addiction on and off (depending on the argument we are having).

We have been to 4 or so marriage councelling sessions, didn't think our councellor was a great fit for us considering our very out of the norm relationship, we just didn't feel like she understood us enough to help us.

So now I'm here, 9 months pregnant into a relationship for 10 years and find out all along, my husband has been sort of living this second Life online and in strip clubs.

You may find yourself judging me for being angry with him because of our cuckold lifestyle, but it was the lack of communication and lying behind my back that hurts so deeply. (Also, finding this out while pregnant with his baby is also pretty painful)...

Please refrain from being harsh, as I'm 9 months pregnant, feeling like I don't have trust in my relationship. I don't have much hope that we will get better, as we have a seemingly large problem with lack of communication.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this, as I feel stigmatized because of our original cuckold arrangement, so here o am, trying to get some gentle advice from strangers on the internet.

I don't see myself without him, I want to forgive him, we do love each other, but no just don't know how I can trust him again. What signs should I be looking for? And in your opinion, does it sound like he has a sexual addiction?

I'm so lost. It's so fresh.. and I'm 38 weeks pregnant. Really needing support from him during this time, and finding it hard to lean on him when I feel like I don't even know him.

Thanks for reading...
 

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I am not sure what you want exactly. It is a crappy situation. He has violated your consent. And no you don't deserve it because you guys have a kink. (And just to note, just because he ended up enjoying it doesn't mean that you should get a pass for cheating on him in the first place.) If I were in your situation, I would end the relationship. I don't know if he has a sexual addiction or not, but lying would be a deal breaker to me.

But I get that you are in a difficult place. Being 9 months pregnant makes things complicated.

Is he seeking individual counseling? Have you guys looked for counselors who serve the kink population? What else is he doing to to address he SA? Has he fully disclosed or is he only admitting what he thinks you already know? These are the questions you are going to have to ask yourself.
 

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My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I'm 28, he's 30.
Been married for 3 years, I'm pregnant with baby #2.

Backstory: In the first few years of our relationship, I moved out of province to nanny for a family and got lonely. I slept with a guy I met online.

My husband (boyfriend at the time), found out I was seeing this guy through my Instagram account. Confronted me, and I told him what I did.

We got over it (though, obviously not deep enough, as issues regarding me sleeping with this other person still come up 8 years later). It turns out, when my husband found out about this other person, he actually liked it. And our relationship took a strange turn. We began experimenting with "cuckold" or "hotwife" fantasies where I would sleep with others and send him pictures or tell him about it.

I semi regularly checked in with him, making sure he is still okay with the arrangement and he never once spoke up about changing anything.

Fast forward to me being pregnant with baby #2... Every time we get pregnant, we take a break from this cuckold "life style" for obvious reasons. Well, it turns out that when I was pregnant with baby #1, I find out he frequented strip clubs and paid strippers for blow jobs and sex. This was obviously not part of out arrangement, even without me being pregnant. But it hurts even more to find out that he did it while I was pregnant (and we were both supposed to be focussing on our relationship and soon new baby).

Upon further investigation, I find out he's been on 11+ dating sites, messaging both men and women (telling some women that he would meet up with them, I never "caught" him saying this to men, but he did tell me he exchanged nude photos with men and women... Looking for "validation"), he tells me he has a sexual addiction on and off (depending on the argument we are having).

We have been to 4 or so marriage councelling sessions, didn't think our councellor was a great fit for us considering our very out of the norm relationship, we just didn't feel like she understood us enough to help us.

So now I'm here, 9 months pregnant into a relationship for 10 years and find out all along, my husband has been sort of living this second Life online and in strip clubs.

You may find yourself judging me for being angry with him because of our cuckold lifestyle, but it was the lack of communication and lying behind my back that hurts so deeply. (Also, finding this out while pregnant with his baby is also pretty painful)...

Please refrain from being harsh, as I'm 9 months pregnant, feeling like I don't have trust in my relationship. I don't have much hope that we will get better, as we have a seemingly large problem with lack of communication.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this, as I feel stigmatized because of our original cuckold arrangement, so here o am, trying to get some gentle advice from strangers on the internet.

I don't see myself without him, I want to forgive him, we do love each other, but no just don't know how I can trust him again. What signs should I be looking for? And in your opinion, does it sound like he has a sexual addiction?

I'm so lost. It's so fresh.. and I'm 38 weeks pregnant. Really needing support from him during this time, and finding it hard to lean on him when I feel like I don't even know him.

Thanks for reading...
I am not excusing your pain or saying it's right but I think you kind of opened Pandora's box by cheating. Your husband never really recovered and it seems to me his way of coping was to dismiss the importance of fidelity at all in your relationship. This was probably brought on by a real deep shame and insecurity. It was probably always there but I suspect the cheating probably broke him. Now I am no expert but I have read a lot about Trauma having experience a different kind and forced to deal with PTSD.

Often time it seems the way people deal with trauma is to put themselves in a situation where they can relive it in what they feel is a controlled environment. The control in this case being at least knowing it's coming. This is often the case with women who were sexually abused and can lead to acting out sexually unhealthy. I suspect some of the hot wife stuff might have been the same thing. Reliving the event in a controlled environment isn't even an unhealthy idea at least that is what therapist try to do except they talk about the trauma. You relive it in your mind but with someone there to talk you through it.

For instance if it's violent trauma no one would think it's healthy to allow yourself to bet beat up again, but you might talk to to a therapist about your feeling about it over and over. My overall point is that he may not really have been into this hotwife lifestyle so much as he was subconsciously trying to deal with his trauma from your affair. But if that is the case it probably has contributed to the total breakdown of your relationship and probably his value of fidelity with you.

He also may have even been trying to kill his feelings. Which is what happens to most people when they see their partner with someone else. Maybe the thought was if experiences you being with other men enough he will eventually not care about it anymore and in that way he won't feel the pain he does when he thinks about your cheating. This is an unhealthy but logical way of thinking. But it probably also killed any value he had in fidelity at all. Again it wasn't right to not tell you he felt this way, just saying what it might be.

So though you may have thought you had come to some sort of solution but your husband is very very broken. I am not saying that to excuse his actions but I think all of this is connected. You both need to see someone who specializes in sexual trauma. There is a lot of damage here on both sides. Also your relationship has a much more complicated relationship with fidelity and what that means then most. It's going to be hard to find a counselor. Maybe you deal with the sexual trauma and see what kind of relationship you are left with after that. His and your priorities might change.

Some questions I might ask is did you have an open marriage or not? Would he have described your marriage as open? I understand that people who do this still feel there is cheating if it's not discussed first, but at the very least it adds a layer of complication. Is it just the fact that you didn't know? Is it the idea of him sharing himself sexually with someone else? Is it partly that you are pregnant and reasonably feeling more insecure?

Being honest with yourself was the lifestyle just for him or did it also play into your own desire (particularly in the fact that you are a cheater so it's not like that isn't in you)? I ask that because maybe he feels that is a very unbalanced and unfair situation. You should work on clarifying your feelings because your relationship is so complicated being able to have and speak with clarity will help whatever therapist end up working with.

In my mind he is almost like a guy returning from war who gets into violent fights. I think we can all understand why it happens but the destruction is so great I am not sure it matters at that point.
 

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Ugh..huge problem that developed long ago. I'm sorry to say this but the relationship was built on a very weak foundation and your relationship style isn't one that lends itself to longterm success. My suggestion is to learn from your past so you can better understand his present and realize the pain you have now was the pain he felt then, after all you are both guilty of the same wrongdoing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 · (Edited)
I agree, I'm not innocent.

But I was 19, he was my only sexual partner (he took my virginity). I made a stupid mistake 8 years ago, and I have not broken his trust since. After reading another poster's comment on my thread I realize that even though he said he was over it and forgave me, there was absolutely some subconscious trauma left behind, and unhealthy coping mechanisms brought on.

We decided to move forward and build a family, set black and white parameters with our new lifestyle, and he chose to break them. Especially sleeping with strippers/prostitutes then coming home to me to have sex with me while I'm pregnant (with baby#1). He could have hurt our baby...

I effed up, but now I feel like he effed up bigger, and during a more vulnerable time in my life...

Something else I didn't mention was that when I asked him if he even considered me or my sexual health while I was pregnant, he flat out said no. He didn't consider it.

I appreciate all these new perspectives. When you aren't able to talk to anyone about such a large secret, you sometimes can't tell who is right and who is wrong, and what sounds crazy and what doesn't. Sharing my story and hearing from others is helping to ground me a little, and I appreciate you offering your opinion, while still being gentle enough towards me.
I am not sure what you want exactly. It is a crappy situation. He has violated your consent. And no you don't deserve it because you guys have a kink. (And just to note, just because he ended up enjoying it doesn't mean that you should get a pass for cheating on him in the first place.) If I were in your situation, I would end the relationship. I don't know if he has a sexual addiction or not, but lying would be a deal breaker to me.

But I get that you are in a difficult place. Being 9 months pregnant makes things complicated.

Is he seeking individual counseling? Have you guys looked for counselors who serve the kink population? What else is he doing to to address he SA? Has he fully disclosed or is he only admitting what he thinks you already know? These are the questions you are going to have to ask yourself.
I like your suggestion to look for a counsellor who has experience with kink couples... I hadn't thought this could even be a thing to look for. But on the internet I supposed you can find anything, and remote counseling might be a good idea. Thank you for sharing. He did trickle truth, but I feel like there is a good chance I know about 95% of the secrets. You can never know for sure though...
 

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I agree, I'm not innocent.

But I was 19, he was my only sexual partner (he took my virginity). I made a stupid mistake 8 years ago, and I have not broken his trust since. After reading another poster's comment on my thread I realize that even though he said he was over it and forgave me, there was absolutely some subconscious trauma left behind, and unhealthy coping mechanisms brought on.

We decided to move forward and build a family, set black and white parameters with our new lifestyle, and he chose to break them. Especially sleeping with strippers/prostitutes then coming home to me to have sex with me while I'm pregnant (with baby#1). He could have hurt our baby...

I effed up, but now I feel like he effed up bigger, and during a more vulnerable time in my life...

Something else I didn't mention was that when I asked him if he even considered me or my sexy health while I was pregnant, he flat out said no. He didn't consider it.

I appreciate all these new perspectives. When you aren't able to talk to anyone about such a large secret, you sometimes can't tell who is right and who is wrong, and what sounds crazy and what doesn't. Sharing my story and hearing from others is helping to ground me a little, and I appreciate you offering your opinion, while still being gentle enough towards me.

I like your suggestion to look for a counsellor who has experience with kink couples... I hadn't thought this could even be a thing to look for. But on the internet I supposed you can find anything, and remote counseling might be a good idea. Thank you for sharing. He did trickle truth, but I feel like there is a good chance I know about 95% of the secrets. You can never know for sure though...
How old you were back then doesn't matter, it still had a massive impact on him. It's the foundation that was weak. He did wrong as well, worse or not is a debatable opinion, if you want to fix things stay out of the blame game arena.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I am not excusing your pain or saying it's right but I think you kind of opened Pandora's box by cheating. Your husband never really recovered and it seems to me his way of coping was to dismiss the importance of fidelity at all in your relationship. This was probably brought on by a real deep shame and insecurity. It was probably always there but I suspect the cheating probably broke him. Now I am no expert but I have read a lot about Trauma having experience a different kind and forced to deal with PTSD.

Often time it seems the way people deal with trauma is to put themselves in a situation where they can relive it in what they feel is a controlled environment. The control in this case being at least knowing it's coming. This is often the case with women who were sexually abused and can lead to acting out sexually unhealthy. I suspect some of the hot wife stuff might have been the same thing. Reliving the event in a controlled environment isn't even an unhealthy idea at least that is what therapist try to do except they talk about the trauma. You relive it in your mind but with someone there to talk you through it.

For instance if it's violent trauma no one would think it's healthy to allow yourself to bet beat up again, but you might talk to to a therapist about your feeling about it over and over. My overall point is that he may not really have been into this hotwife lifestyle so much as he was subconsciously trying to deal with his trauma from your affair. But if that is the case it probably has contributed to the total breakdown of your relationship and probably his value of fidelity with you.

He also may have even been trying to kill his feelings. Which is what happens to most people when they see their partner with someone else. Maybe the thought was if experiences you being with other men enough he will eventually not care about it anymore and in that way he won't feel the pain he does when he thinks about your cheating. This is an unhealthy but logical way of thinking. But it probably also killed any value he had in fidelity at all. Again it wasn't right to not tell you he felt this way, just saying what it might be.

So though you may have thought you had come to some sort of solution but your husband is very very broken. I am not saying that to excuse his actions but I think all of this is connected. You both need to see someone who specializes in sexual trauma. There is a lot of damage here on both sides. Also your relationship has a much more complicated relationship with fidelity and what that means then most. It's going to be hard to find a counselor. Maybe you deal with the sexual trauma and see what kind of relationship you are left with after that. His and your priorities might change.

Some questions I might ask is did you have an open marriage or not? Would he have described your marriage as open? I understand that people who do this still feel there is cheating if it's not discussed first, but at the very least it adds a layer of complication. Is it just the fact that you didn't know? Is it the idea of him sharing himself sexually with someone else? Is it partly that you are pregnant and reasonably feeling more insecure?

Being honest with yourself was the lifestyle just for him or did it also play into your own desire (particularly in the fact that you are a cheater so it's not like that isn't in you)? I ask that because maybe he feels that is a very unbalanced and unfair situation. You should work on clarifying your feelings because your relationship is so complicated being able to have and speak with clarity will help whatever therapist end up working with.

In my mind he is almost like a guy returning from war who gets into violent fights. I think we can all understand why it happens but the destruction is so great I am not sure it matters at that point.
I appreciate you sharing your perspective on how he may be attempting to cope with the trauma I caused him by reliving it in a more controlled environment. I'll have to read more about this so I can understand better.

With regards to defining our marriage, in short we might use this term, but if we were to explain it in more detail, open definition would not fit.

Of course this relationship was also beneficial to me. But it was he who started the cuckold portion. I found out he was watching "cheating" porn and asked him about it, he explained that he actually enjoyed thinking about me with other men, and the rest is history (as you know).

So as far as my understanding, it was mutually beneficial. Where we went wrong was me not asking often enough and him not sharing that he actually did have other urges he was apparently not telling me about. So he went behind my back.

I really truly appreciate you taking the time to offer your insight in a constructive and gentle way. It's opening my mind and giving me some suggestions on how to move forward. As much as we had couples therapy, I think he could benefit from individual also. We will try and make this happen.
How old you were back then doesn't matter, it still had a massive impact on him. It's the foundation that was weak. He did wrong as well, worse or not is a debatable opinion, if you want to fix things stay out of the blame game arena.
I mention my age, because after reading many posts on this site, they say it takes 3-5 years to rebuild trust and this was 8 yrs ago. I have not gone behind his back since, sorry, I know I effed up royally and wasn't trying to diminish. Even though it was a while ago, clearly he is still messed up by my affair.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
How old you were back then doesn't matter, it still had a massive impact on him. It's the foundation that was weak. He did wrong as well, worse or not is a debatable opinion, if you want to fix things stay out of the blame game arena.
It's hard to not address blame when trying to get over this. I'm open to leaving it out of the discussion but I guess what I'm looking for is what should we be talking about, what should be be laying on the table. How do we both move forward, what can he do to rebuild my trust in him?
 

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For starters, he will need to be 100% transparent in what he does going forward. No secrets. That’s easier said than done for some and time will tell if he can do that. Trust is difficult to get back and takes awhile. And it’s really not a good idea to ever again be as trusting as you were before this happened. It takes at least several years — often more — to recover from infidelity and it’s a tough road full of triggers. Some succeed and some don’t. If the two of you are willing to put in the work and effort it requires, you could be one of the lucky ones.
 

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It's hard to not address blame when trying to get over this. I'm open to leaving it out of the discussion but I guess what I'm looking for is what should we be talking about, what should be be laying on the table. How do we both move forward, what can he do to rebuild my trust in him?
I get it and I understand. I guess my point is that placing blame on one another for sins against the relationship will not help as you both have been hurt by eachother. What I would do is work to acknowledge each others feelings and expressing to him how it made you feel. Talk to each other about how it felt, the hurt, the pain and then acknowledge.

Try very hard not to blame. I can't stress it enough because it will only lead to more hurt feelings and less time healing.
 

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Could I ask you, if you could define of relationship you want, having gone through all this what would you want? In getting pass this how would see a future together?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Could I ask you, if you could define of relationship you want, having gone through all this what would you want? In getting pass this how would see a future together?
That's a very good question. I have considered answering this... but I'm also 9 months pregnant, out of my mind and out of my body.

So I think I can't make a hard decision about what I want while going through such a drastic period of change (women really don't feel like themselves being super pregnant... ) I do think defining this in the very near future after the baby comes will help me with my next relationship moves. I agree,. It's important to figure out what we both want and define it clearly. That's what our councellor said also. I just can't arrive at that definition right now. Thank you for bringing this up.
 

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Of course this relationship was also beneficial to me. But it was he who started the cuckold portion. I found out he was watching "cheating" porn and asked him about it, he explained that he actually enjoyed thinking about me with other men, and the rest is history (as you know).
I think you will find that when almost all men who are cheated on, feel like they were cuckolded, particularly if it's gone on for a while, and they were still expending the same emotional and "sweat of their brow" energy the whole time their partner is having sex with someone else. There is a whole phrase for this that a lot of men use - alpha ****s, beta bucks. Crude to be sure but the idea being that she thinks of the one guy as exciting and who she wants to give herself to physically, but she uses the steady guy to help support her financial and often even emotionally. This is a very big thing for men. So honestly I doubt your husband would say that he was the one who created the cuckold dynamic.

Depending on his level of self esteem he may have even resigned himself to only being worthy of this cuckold role, maybe even thinking at least in the way he could participate in that with you. Not lose you. I am not even saying this was conscience, with and exact clinical understanding as I just wrote it. But I could see how he chose this dynamic going forward. Another thing that may have happened is he may have enjoyed the rush of adrenaline that the cheating gave to him. Kind of like an adrenaline junky, he may have found that his own cheating gave him the same thing.

It's also not uncommon for men whose wife's cheated to get turned on by the fact in a twisted way. I have read a bunch of posts about that. I think that be a product of how lots of men think. They think of there wives as the good virtuous women who they marry, but their is the bad girl harlot who you fantasize about having crazy sex with. This is the same kind of thing as the bad boy thing that women have. So for these guys it's like the move their wives from the virtuous category to the harlot one and that can be a turn on. But it's really not a healthy way to look at the opposite sex to begin with. So maybe this got all mixed up with your husband.

I think even if you were to take the hotwife stuff out of it, once someone opens up their marriage by cheating it's kind of a stretch to expect the partner to value it the same why they once did. You kind of set the environment at that point, and the environment is one that has infidelity as part of it's nature. So did the hot-wife stuff contribute? Yes probably but I suspect your affair is really where this began. And cheating may have always been in his nature. Or maybe if it hadn't happened if he was tempted he would have thought to himself, I would never do that, but now he thinks. What the hell, she won't care really. She didn't care with me. Some people see fidelity as either sacred or not but that it always exists for both people. Kind of like a state of mind or something.

Again I am not saying any of this is right the whole thing was wrong, yours and his. But I just have to be honest, personally I think cheating on your part probably started it, sounds like he was trying deal with it and that lead to this lifestyle. In the end there has been a toxic aspect of all this for years for a long time. Even the best marriages would have problems with this, and I would argue if you have one of the best marriages you wouldn't want this lifestyle though because the best marriages as most people understand it have fidelity as something they celebrate.

This kind of lifestyle seems like it would be very hard not to spiral because there seems to either have a humiliation (when it comes to the husband) aspect to it, or power dynamic where the husband is essentially pimping out his wife like his own personal porn-star. In the later case I think it's often because his sexual nature was developed around porn at a young age and he is more into the idea of women having sex then having sex with them. I think your marriage kind of feel victim to some of these toxic dynamics which seem hard to avoid. I don't say that to put you down but to try to get you to open your eyes about where you are now so you can try to recover in some way. I think you think you understood your husband but I don't think you have as good an understand as you though.

Now I am not saying any of that to discount your pain. Infidelity is very painful. Even when it's just emotional it's life changing. If anything this may help you understand how he could spiral so far. But you also need to protect yourself. I am just trying to give you some ideas to work with. Both of you need to talk to someone who specializes in this.
 
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My wife and I aren’t into any of that stuff but just because the two of you are different doesn’t discount that a foundation of any relationship is complete transparency and offering to your partner a piece of mind that offers them a safe emotional place to do so.

Until you can provide that to one another... you have no foundation to start from.
 

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That's a very good question. I have considered answering this... but I'm also 9 months pregnant, out of my mind and out of my body.
I think this is a place where you have some control and can do some work to help yourself. It seems at least in part, understandably being pregnant has contributed to your fear. Just seeing that as part of this may help you.

First of all - your hormones are heightened and out of wack, it's not uncommon for women who are pregnant to struggle emotionally as you acknowledge.

Next you probably feel like you have lost control of your body to some extent. That would be hard already but on top of that you feel like you have lost control of your marriage and your life.

I suspect you feel less attractive and given your cheating an lifestyle I would suspect that being attractive and desirable is something that you place a very high value on as far as your understanding of your worth. On top of that getting cheated on makes everyone feel less attractive because we feel like we were past over for someone better. Even if that has no basis in fact.

And of course there is your future with your arriving child.

All of this is really hard without the uncertainty of infidelity.

What I can tell you is no matter what happens you will survive this. Plenty of people separate and have great lives. Growing up in a divorced home is not uncommon anymore. You will have this baby, and you will be OK no matter what happens. Believe that.

This is very hard no doubt, but it's not insurmountably.

I am not saying you shouldn't mourn and feel pain from this, I am saying just don't assume your life is over. I know you probably get that intellectually but you may have to continue to remind yourself emotionally.
 
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