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i have been in a successful open marriage for several years. i love it and am very comfortable with the kind of sex life an open marriage entails. i love having sex with other men. my husband loves how sensual and sexy our relationship continues to be. we have mostly threesomes (another male for me) and i also go out alone. when i do, i make sure my husband knows everything that happens. we have no secrets. my husband seldom sees other women. he finds my sex play with other men more interesting and stimulating. we do swap with other couples and that is really hot. my husband likes swapping a lot. we got started with our open marriage because my husband was going on a tour of duty (army) where families were not allowed. he suggested that i should see other men for sex while he was gone. he said that could handle it. he felt that i was mature enough to know that sex can be just sex and not require an emotional attachment. i was worried about how it would affect him and he said we would not really know until we tried it out. so, i went to a club while my husband baby sat our kid. i met a nice young soldier and ended up in a motel with him. even though i was really nervous, it turned out to be a lot of fun. i got home about three in the morning and told my husband everything. instead of being jealous, he was very very turned on and we had sex. a win-win situation.

what i would like is to hear from people, women especially, who have unconventional marriages that work. tell us what started it and what keeps it working. i would like to hear your perspective on unconventional relationships. one area i am interested in is handling an open marriage in relation to kids and other family members. i hope to hear from a lot of people. the more that share is all the more that help others with the perplexities of open relationships.
 

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I know of no marriages that survived it for very long. If it works for you, then by all means.

Your husband understands that adultery is still an offence under UCMJ right? In 1994, when I got out, it was still being prosecuted at Ft Knox...typically a 1 year sentence.

Good luck
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Good evening
if it works for you that is great - I wish it would work for everyone, the world would be a happier place.

Do be careful though. I know a poly couple (not the same but somewhat similar to open). For many years he thought things were wonderful, his wife never objected. Turns out she was miserable and just putting up a good show to make him happy (very unfair of her BTW!). They are likely getting divorced now.
 

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Good evening
if it works for you that is great - I wish it would work for everyone, the world would be a happier place.

Do be careful though. I know a poly couple (not the same but somewhat similar to open). For many years he thought things were wonderful, his wife never objected. Turns out she was miserable and just putting up a good show to make him happy (very unfair of her BTW!). They are likely getting divorced now.
Back when i was married my ex and I were friends with some neighbors who were swingers... not with us, but they had one or two other steady couples that they swung with (swung? swang? swinged?) They were proud of it too, and bragged about how it enhanced their marriage and actually deepened the trust between them.

Anyway, I had not seen the husband for a while and one day I ran into him out on the street and he just looked destroyed. I talked to him for a few minutes and then he finally opened up that his wife had left him for the husband of one of the other couples they played with. The other man's wife was devastated too, because now she was left alone with three kids.

Swinging and open marriages may be titillating in the short term, but there are just too many risks and variables.

donna32 I think you are playing with a grenade.
 

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Good evening
I do understand that playing with fire is FUN. It really is.
I won't fault anyone who does it - and they will have my sympathy if they get burned.

Just be aware of the risks.
 

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i have been in a successful open marriage for several years. i love it and am very comfortable with the kind of sex life an open marriage entails. i love having sex with other men. my husband loves how sensual and sexy our relationship continues to be. we have mostly threesomes (another male for me) and i also go out alone. when i do, i make sure my husband knows everything that happens. we have no secrets. my husband seldom sees other women. he finds my sex play with other men more interesting and stimulating. we do swap with other couples and that is really hot. my husband likes swapping a lot. we got started with our open marriage because my husband was going on a tour of duty (army) where families were not allowed. he suggested that i should see other men for sex while he was gone. he said that could handle it. he felt that i was mature enough to know that sex can be just sex and not require an emotional attachment. i was worried about how it would affect him and he said we would not really know until we tried it out. so, i went to a club while my husband baby sat our kid. i met a nice young soldier and ended up in a motel with him. even though i was really nervous, it turned out to be a lot of fun. i got home about three in the morning and told my husband everything. instead of being jealous, he was very very turned on and we had sex. a win-win situation.
IMO, posts like ^this^ (and ESPECIALLY when featured as the initial post in a new thread) should go a bit more in depth in terms of discussing some of the ins and outs of maintaining the types of non-traditional relationships that they more or less endorse.

For example, what would you like others to know w/ respect to the types of rules that you and your husband have in place in order to ward off attachments to your lovers?

what i would like is to hear from people, women especially, who have unconventional marriages that work. tell us what started it and what keeps it working. i would like to hear your perspective on unconventional relationships. one area i am interested in is handling an open marriage in relation to kids and other family members. i hope to hear from a lot of people. the more that share is all the more that help others with the perplexities of open relationships.
See, this what I'm talking about, and it's where you're falling short -- having been in a "successful open marriage for several years", you should have quite a bit of this to share yourself, no?
 
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I don't think she is looking for advice on the risk of an open marriage. She just wants to know what other couples in similar marriages are doing to keep their marriages going in the same direction. What are they doing to keep their bonds strong and how do they navigate that situation. Right Donna?

If that's what she is looking for, then, she is going to find a very limited amount of response. Since, most people on TAM are monogamous.

What I can say, is to keep your conversations open and continue to do things that creates bonds between you and your husband. Don't neglect each other and never put anyone before your spouse. Be on guard for people who want more and just put an end to that acquaintance.

I grew up in a house where my mum had several lovers. As a child, that is something you never ever want to know. You children should always be protected and never expose to your life style. Never introduce your lovers to your kids. Or else, you would have kids that have no respect for you as they grow older.

Good luck to you and yours.
 

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Take the following however you wish. Some of it is based on research studies, some on a therapist's experiences with both swinger and monogamous couples, and some is very likely unverified or polling bias results. Based on my own observations of a sample size of hundreds over a 7 year period, it seems to me that swingers have a lower divorce and cheating rate. Anyway, based on that, the following does make some sense to me. I will also point out that swinging is a VERY different form of non-monogamy compared to open relationships, which I personally think are much riskier and difficult to sustain for most people.

Swingers Refrain From Divorces

The reasons of swingers not filing for divorces in comparison to their monogamous peers are the traits, which determine happiness and flexibility in their mental health. They have an abstract thinking capacity in addition to creativity and adaptability to changing circumstances. The sex lives of the swingers are undoubtedly more flexible, if compared with the monogamous couples, in terms of sex.

According to some renowned therapists specialized in both swingers and monogamous couples' relationship issues, swingers do not fear, so they do not cheat. Obviously the other group i.e. monogamous couples fear, so they cheat their spouse/s. Regarding fear, monogamous couples are victims of the toxic jealousy trap. This trap entails that any particular gesture or behavior may lead to a full-fledged affair, resulting into complete breakage of relationships.
 

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Take the following however you wish. Some of it is based on research studies, some on a therapist's experiences with both swinger and monogamous couples, and some is very likely unverified or polling bias results. Based on my own observations of a sample size of hundreds over a 7 year period, it seems to me that swingers have a lower divorce and cheating rate. Anyway, based on that, the following does make some sense to me. I will also point out that swinging is a VERY different form of non-monogamy compared to open relationships, which I personally think are much riskier and difficult to sustain for most people.
Are we looking at swingers as couple swapping? Couples doing stuff as couples. No individual/single players. Then, I can see where this is a much "safer" environment than, an open marriage. Where each part of the couple is "allowed" to have encounters. They don't have to be together. Therefore, open marriages are much more riskier.

I think if I were to get involved with this, I would choose swinging. I don't want my husband with someone, where I can't see him. Hence, the jealousy aspect of monogamy. It's never gonna work for me. I am going to be too jealous.
 

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Take the following however you wish. Some of it is based on research studies, some on a therapist's experiences with both swinger and monogamous couples, and some is very likely unverified or polling bias results. Based on my own observations of a sample size of hundreds over a 7 year period, it seems to me that swingers have a lower divorce and cheating rate. Anyway, based on that, the following does make some sense to me. I will also point out that swinging is a VERY different form of non-monogamy compared to open relationships, which I personally think are much riskier and difficult to sustain for most people.
I think there is a confounding variable here, which is mentioned in the quoted text that isn't in this message: personality type. Namely, people in open, polyamorous, and swinging relationship styles are more likely to be NT personality types, and therefore will approach relationships in a more analytical, not as emotionally-focused way.

Of course, this may not be an intrinsic characteristic of people taking those relationship styles, but of these styles' general unpopularity in popular culture. This means that authority-oriented people won't engage in them (or at least admit to engaging in them >:)).
 

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Namely, people in open, polyamorous, and swinging relationship styles are more likely to be NT personality types, and therefore will approach relationships in a more analytical, not as emotionally-focused way.QUOTE]

I don't know if that's true, but it could be. Of course, the Myers-Briggs types aren't scientifically sound, though I've found them to be useful. And most swingers are politically conservative to moderate, so could well be authority-oriented yet open-minded.

As for who are swingers?

According to current available data, swingers are mostly middle-class white married individuals (couples) holding, for the most part, conservative views. In Jenks's research, 32% of swingers consider themselves politically conservative, 41% politically moderate, and only a small minority, 27%, considered themselves liberal (Jenks, 1985). Swingers also show a more permissive
attitude towards topics such as sexuality, divorce, pornography, homosexuality, pre-marital sex, and abortion (Jenks, 1985).

In a recent study, Bergstrand and Williams (2000) found in their sample of swingers that 85% of the respondents were married or in committed relationships. The average age of their respondents was 39 years. The majority had at least two years of college education. Most were presently married and had been involved in swinging for an average of five years. In their sample, 90.4% were white, 4.9% were black, and 3% were Latino (1.5 % indicated “other” in the selection of race).
...
Most swingers have above average education (Gilmartin, 1975; Jenks, 1985, 1998; Levitt, 1988) and were employed mostly in professional or managerial positions. Denfeld and Gordon (1970) suggested that swingers did not conform to the stereotypical deviant profile and were indeed like anyone else in the general population. In their sample, 80% were college educated graduates and worked mostly in white-collar professional occupations.
 
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Anyway, I had not seen the husband for a while and one day I ran into him out on the street and he just looked destroyed. I talked to him for a few minutes and then he finally opened up that his wife had left him for the husband of one of the other couples they played with. The other man's wife was devastated too, because now she was left alone with three kids.
Well if they are already banging each other, why didn't OWH and OMW get hitched with each other and solve their loneliness issues?
 

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Donna,

A serious question if you will, do you present an appearance to your children of being a monogamous couple, because if you do and are not really monogamous, then you are in a sense lying to your children. Would you want your children to live your lifestyle?

You might say that couples where one spouse cheats on the other and put on a good front for the kids are also lying, and I would agree. But I often hear people who are in open relationships speak of the honesty of their lifestyle choices.

Tamat
 

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T/J

Open marriage. Isn't that an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp?

Please explain - why have a marriage, where you take vows to forsake all others except for your spouse, and then open up the marriage and forsaking the vows?

What kind of charade do you need to put on to hide your proclivities from friends, family, and your kids?

No matter how hard I try, I simply can't get my mind around this concept.

Not only that, explain "successful open marriage". How do you have a successful open marriage? Do you gauge it by the fact that you come back to each other? That there aren't any signs of jealousy?
That you don't consistently hook up with the same guy too many times?

What do you do if your husband says no more? Do you stop or basically tell him that's not going to work for our arrangement?
 

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I think open marriages and swinging is great.......threesomes, foursomes, gangbangs, it's all good. Heck, might as well get into necrophilia, if you love animals might as well do bestiality. Anything to satisfy the inner carnal pleasure! Throw self respect and decency out the window. Where does it stop? Who knows and who cares.....just as long as it feels good!

:)
 

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My 17 years old son, came up to take a break from playing video games and was reading, while I got him a snack. He wanted to know why would you want an open marriage? According to him, it makes no sense. You should just stay single and date other people.

Out of the mouths of babes.
Because people like cake. And hey, if you can eat cake WITH your spouse, why not?
 
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