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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't know if this belongs in this thread, but here it goes...

Many people get a divorce because they're not in love with their spouse or their spouse has cheated. After the divorce is finished some of them still have sex and become good friends.

Is their some unspoken pressure with being married and in love that goes away after a divorce? My own parents (after their divorce) are really good friends. Ironically their better friends after the divorce than they were when they were married for 12 years.

So an Open marriage, from my understand it's just having sex with other people (and at times dating someone else or "bringing them into the bedroom"). I don't know anything about an open marriage, but from what I've seen on the forum's here the open marriage (and swingers) have great sex with their "lover" and their wife/husband". It seems to me that not creeping around helps to keep the marriage honest and avoids a divorce.

From a guys point a view, sex and penis are not connected. I can screw a girl I met at Starbucks and not care because my wife has my heart. But for women, their has to be some emotional connections before the panties come off (or a lot of liquor).

So my question to you is, educate me about an open marriage.

Final Notes:
It's obvious my wife is in love with another man (though she's confusing it for sexual attraction, because she's admitted to me that she knows nothing about him. He knows nothing about her. They've never been on a date and it's mostly at work flirting for the past 4 months. So how the hell can that be "love"?)

The first affair she had years ago devastated me, but I'm older and wiser now and I don't think a divorce will make life easier for us or our two small children. So what if we stayed married and have the ability to screw whomever we want.

She admits to everyone how wonderful I treat her, but I already know divorcing her will seriously effect our small children and us financially. I love her enough to be considering this (yeah I know I'm the dumbest man on earth), but I already told her that if she wants to do this:

1. Our sex life is over
2. Always wear a female condom or have him wear one
3. Don't ever say you love me, cause this is not a form of love that I'm willing to acknowledge.

In closing if you're thinking "he's only doing this to make her happy and he's in a marriage only for the sake of his kids",... then you're right. I'm the product of divorced parents, I know first hand how it feels. Especially choosing which parent you want to live with and knowing the other parent won't be their for all the little moment. I love my daughters to much to put them through that.
 

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I could never go for the open marriage.

Divorce your wife, and find someone that respects and loves you.

She has had more than one chance. She does not have the same morals as you. But if you have the open marriage, then maybe you do.

Has she told you she would like the open marrriage?

Divorce her, do not have a revenge affair.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I could never go for the open marriage.

Divorce your wife, and find someone that respects and loves you.

She has had more than one chance. She does not have the same morals as you. But if you have the open marriage, then maybe you do.

Has she told you she would like the open marrriage?

Divorce her, do not have a revenge affair.
Well I borught it up when she admitted the affaire with her coworker. She still says she loves me and doesn't want an open marriage.

It seems like she still wants to screw him and have me. The thing with divorce as I've said I've witnessed how expensive and hard it is first hand. This is a very complicated thing for me because we have two small children.

And to be honest, if I divorce her, I know I'll have a hard time trusting any woman again. so it'll just be hook up for sex and nothing else. I don't want a life like that. But I saw how it took my dad almost 6 years to get back on his feet (especially financially) after the divorce he filed because my mom had an affair. So a divorce isn't to be taken lightly.

This is also painful for me because my dad always told me "I hope you never have to go though this. The only pain that compares to what your mom did to me would be loosing one of you (meaning me or my sister) or my sibling. I know that pain very well....this is the second time I'm going through it.
 

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Elliot,

How can you think that letting your daughters see you being walked on by a cruel WW in a loveless M is a good environment for bringing them up?

You are not 'choosing' an open M (which I personally think is OK if the parties involved are both willing and agree with it, its a free world), but instead you are desperately grasping at this in order to placate your selfish WW.

I think you would be modeling a HORRIBLE example of how to handle a selfish, cheating spouse to your children.
 

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I love my daughters to much to put them through that.


So you trade financial security and a hosts of other things for what? An open marriage. What will this teach your daughters? You think they won't know? A classsmate of mine in HS had parents that were like this. Long story but I knew them well, the kids and the parents, through kyacking and canoeing. When the story broke about them it was very embarrassing, to the kids, etc.

In the end they became church going Christians and stopped their open marriage.

I see too many down sides, especially with children.
 

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I think it's a very bad idea. You're thinking about the "best outcome" for a bad situation.

Here's a worse (but not THE worst) outcome:

She falls in 'love' with someone else during this little adventure - maybe not this particular guy but another guy. Then she wants a divorce b/c he's jealous of you living in the same house. She's so smitten that she proceeds with the big D and where are you then?

Worst is her seeing some drug addict/alcoholic that cleans you out or takes control of assets.Are you going to separate funds? have your own debts etc.


Think again.
 

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Think of how your kids will "respect" you, your wife, her boyfriends and your girlfriends when they grow up and become adults.

Open marriage for the kids? That's new.
 

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I'm with the others, and my SO and I are casual swingers. Doing it out of desperation is not a solution. And do you really think you can demonstrate to your children what a healthy marriage looks like when you won't even touch your wife? What kind of role model is that setting for them?

As far as recovering from a divorce... The sooner it's done, the sooner the healing will be done. And if you and your wife can focus on what's best for the kids, things CAN remain amicable and you can keep from giving all your money to lawyers in a futile effort to keep your money and possessions to yourself.

C
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No birth control method is 100%. Will you still feel the same if a child is produced out of the outside relationship? How would *that* impact the children you're seeking to protect?

You will also be having sex with every woman her lover has or will be having sex with, by this same extension. STD's? You have no way to know or ensure that he isn't having other lovers unprotected, nor will you ever be able to confirm that your wife and he are practicing safe sex. If you become ill from their behavior, how is that doing the children any good?

Thats just but one aspect of this idea you have. There a thousand others. Please give it some more thought. :/ I'm very sorry you are having to go through this.
 

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An open marriage is where both partners agree on seeing other people while still in the marriage. It is not when one partner wants to cheat but the other doesn't.

I'm very sorry for your pain. It will be ongoing and awful if you let your WW openly have her cake and eat it, too. Don't do this to yourself and your children. Divorce is the healthier option.
 

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I have too much respect for myself to waste a day of my life with someone who would want an open marriage.

We are naturally attracted to the love of our life. Biology wires us to find them sexually attractive.

As for your kids - do you want them to grow up seeing being a humiliated cuckold doormat as a valid life choice?

That's what your wife is asking of you - for you to surrender your self esteem so she can get in the sack with the coworker.

My advice - post the coworker up on cheaterville. Speed dial HR and report the affair. And get yourself free of your cheating wife with the help of a good lawyer.

Oh, and seek full custody because children should not be around a woman with your wife's morals.
 

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This is the second time your going thru this and I have a feeling it won't be the last...lets face it you ain't going anywere and your old lady knows it.

From were I'm sitting your old lady would have a big problem sharing you with another women, hence the reason she wants to screw around on you but the rule doesn't apply to you screwing around on her!

Open marriage are about honesty and your old lady is far from being honest, much less respectful towards her husband and kids.

She hasn't learned her lesson the 1st time she tore your heart out and she is not about to learn her lesson this time around until she has to face a real and hard consequences for breaking her vows and lacking any real commitment.

Maybe she needs to look at her commitment issues and any other phucked up issue she might have for continuing to screw you over?

Your sir are asking for something that just ain't possible to achieve, cuz its her not you and you continue to enable her by having no consequences for her unhealthy actions.

On a side note it sound like your dad has a hell of a lot of self respect...he should be commended.
 

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I think you'll find out that you've been living in a one sided open marriage for a long time now, that she's had more than just the two affairs that you know of.

Meanwhile from your other thread, I'm guessing that you don't get much or what you get is sporatic, which would indicate that you get some when her primary choice isn't available.

Have you DNA checked the kids?
 

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As the newly-divorced mom of a 13 year old boy, I firmly believe that how well the children handle a divorce situation is a direct product of how well the parents handle it. Remain amicable, reassure your children that although it's hard right now it will get better, that none of this is their fault, and that you both love them. Help them keep their routines as normal as possible during and after the divorce. Be available to have honest, if age-appropriate, talks with them about anything they might ask or say. Support them, love them. Get them help if they need it.

But don't stay in a bad marriage, living a lie, trying to hide the truth, "for the kids".
 

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No birth control method is 100%. Will you still feel the same if a child is produced out of the outside relationship? How would *that* impact the children you're seeking to protect?

You will also be having sex with every woman her lover has or will be having sex with, by this same extension. STD's? You have no way to know or ensure that he isn't having other lovers unprotected, nor will you ever be able to confirm that your wife and he are practicing safe sex. If you become ill from their behavior, how is that doing the children any good?

Thats just but one aspect of this idea you have. There a thousand others. Please give it some more thought. :/ I'm very sorry you are having to go through this.
And a damn good aspect at that!
 

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I could never go for the open marriage.

Divorce your wife, and find someone that respects and loves you.

She has had more than one chance. She does not have the same morals as you. But if you have the open marriage, then maybe you do.

Has she told you she would like the open marrriage?

Divorce her, do not have a revenge affair.
If for no other reason, I do not want to be sharing something as beautiful and personally significant to me as my wife's body.

When I commit to love someone, I expect a total commitment to monogamy ~ and on both of our parts!
 

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People get married for a reason; a vow and a declaration of their lifelong commitment to each other. The intent is to be faithful to each other. Otherwise, why get married in the first place.

That said, if the couple agrees to have an open marriage beforehand, fine. I think that's incredibly stupid and short sited, but that's my opinion.

But once infidelity has struck the traditional marriage, that's a different ball game. If the BS agrees to make it an open marriage to appease the WS after being cheated on and devastated, then he/she has absolutely lost all self respect for themselves. And that's sad and pathetic, in addition to being stupid.
 
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