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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is so hard to put down in words, but i really need some advice because I don't know what to do anymore..
I married someone I should not have married. I knew before walking down the aisle that we didn't have a good relationship. I just thought marriage would solve that and give us some purpose and meaning.
Boy was I wrong.. and I just can't do this anymore!

First before you start reading this I just want to say that my husband is a good man. His friends would describe him as fun, outgoing and an overall nice guy. I just think that he is not a good husband.

There was alot of problems in our relationship before we got married but now we have different problems and it is not getting better..

There are alot of things for instance .. my husband doesn't like spending time with me. He gets home from work, spends 20 minutes in the bathroom, than goes directly to the bedroom and lays in bed watching TV or playing video games.. It is always me that goes to him. I hate hanging out in the bedroom! plus he has all of his video games in the bedroom! (he is 38yrs old)!
I make dinner .. he comes out of the bedroom, eats dinner, than goes directly back into the bedroom! I work at 7pm so when I am done work he is sleeping.
I have talked to him many times about this. It will get better for a couple of days, than it is back to the same thing. I feel like we are roomates not husband and wife. And, if he does want to talk to me, he yells from the bedroom.. a full blown conversation from the other room!

On the weekends we do nothing. I have asked him to take me out, plan a date night .. nothing! I have actually been waiting 3 years for him to take me on a wine tour he promised me.

These are all little petty things, I get that. These are just a couple of examples. I have many more and some that are big! We have also only been married for 3 months..

A week after our wedding, it was pouring rain outside. My husband had been using my car because his truck doesn't have insurance. He works not even 10 mins from where we live and has left work many times in the past quickly.
I have 2 children from a previous relationship that I have to get to school in the mornings.. that morning, I texted my husband to let him know that I need the car its pouring rain and the kids and I can't walk in that.. his response to me "sorry, I am to busy to help you right now"
Oh, I was so upset and hurt and couldn't believe that he said that ... a very poor use of words. So, i threw a fit and was real upset with him. My kids and I started walking in the rain.. got them all the way to school and on my way back, he pulls up next to me.
So, i told him that from now on we will have to share the car or I will drive him to work in the mornings and pick him up because I need my car. That wasnt good enough for him! He either wanted the car full time or not at all. No compromising with him. Ok fine, be like that ... so he found a ride to and from work.

A few wks after the wedding, on a friday, we went to his bank to open a joint account. That sunday he asked for the bank card back because I didn't have any of my income going into His account .. He didn't give me a chance!! He actually went into my wallet and took the card! than a few days later he apologized and gave it back. A week after that, we got into an arguement and he called the bank and reported MY card as lost. I went down to the bank and that is when I found out it was not a joint account, it was his account and I was just given a bank card. I immediately had my name and information removed off of the bank account I was liable for but had no say in! I was also very upset with the financial advisor at the bank who set this up knowing I thought it was a joint account!
We now have a real joint account at the bank that I bank at. He was suppose to close his account and open one up so we both banked at the same bank and the jt act can be linked so we can easily transfer money. But, of course he has not done that and its been 2 months.

He doesn't help out around the house at all! His idea of taking out the trash is bringing the pail to the road once a week (i even have to remind him to do that) ... I am still expected to bring the garbage bags to the pail every day! The kicker, sometimes I will just put the garbage bag outside the patio door and the next time I go out back I carry it to the pail.. well, every morning when he leaves for work, he goes out the patio door and walks right past the garbage bag and the garbage pail!
He expects me to do ALL of his laundry and complains if i don't do ALL of it.. he has work clothes and regular clothes .. I did 3 loads of work clothes and have 3 other people to do laundry for .. no thank you for doing his work clothes just *****ed that i didn't wash ALL of his clothes.

The very last straw for me:
In October we had to have some plumbing work done - there was a rotted pipe under the basement floor. well it ended up costing close to 1900.00 to fix. And my husband wouldn't let them cement the floor he wanted to save us money!
Well that 1900.00 really hurt our joint account so close to Christmas. And I was struggling to get Christmas done. He still has his own bank account and there is a 2500.00 over draft in that account.
The mortgage comes out on the 20th .. on the 16th and the 17th him and I talked and decided that we would pull some money out of the over draft to cover the mortgage and get through Christmas. I even went as far as to take on more hours at work but that won't kick in until January 7th. He agreed to using the over draft and we would replace it in January. kind of like using a credit card.
On the 18th that evening I told him that I needed that money by the 19th so the mortgage doesn't bounce on the 20th. That is when he told me that he changed his mind and he is not dipping into his over draft because I ****ed up! I didn't **** up!!! We had to pay a plumber 2,000.00 and we had 10 people to buy xmas presents for not including eachother or the kids (7 of those 10 were his family). I was so upset and so very mad at him for doing this. We had a plan and I depended on him to follow through with it.
So the 20th came, and the mortgage bounced .. and he didn't even care!!! And he still doesn't care!
All he cared about was that his truck payment got paid!! The mortgage is in my name, I bought the house 5 yrs before we got married. So if the mortgage doesn't get paid it's not his name or credit.

I am so upset at myself for actually thinking he was a man of his word. How stupid could I be he will never change! I feel so foolish for marrying him right now. We had alot of problems and broken trust during our relationship as well.
If I can't depend on my Husband, than who can I depend on!!
Am I wrong for depending on my husband?
Am I wrong for being upset that he basically broke that kind of promise?

I get the feeling from him that he doesn't want to be a good husband, he always accuses me of taking advantage of him!! but i don't see it ... I do all of the cooking, all of the laundry, all of the entertainment, I am raising my kids without his help, I did all of the xmas shopping, all of the house chores, and I also work and pay bills. And I am the only one who makes sure the bills are paid every month. The only thing my husband does is go to work 5 days a week and a half a day on Saturdays..

And, our sex life is basically non existant and he don't care. I have tried to talk to him and explain to him that I am bored with doing the samething over and over again. It's always the same way... we take our clothes off, we get into bed.. he fondles me and goes down on me.. he climbs on top and has sex with me .. than thats it! There is no passion, no romance, no kind words.. nothing! We go days without kissing or hugging.

Oh, and he hasnt even attempted to concrete the basement floor and it's been 2 months!

Please tell me what to do ... We got into a big text fight yesterday afternoon and I told him not to come home.. so he didnt and I have not talked to him since ...

sorry for the long post.. guess I had alot to get off my chest. There is more alot more .. and alot that happened before we even got married.. I should have never married him and I regret it so much. Why do I make such horrible decisions when it comes to men!
Why couldn't I be strong enough before I married him to end it. I tried so many times to end it but I always took him back.

signed.. very confused and very unhappy
 

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Sorry you're here Tootsie,especially at this time of year.I don't really have much advice to offer,but I wanted you to know you've been heard at least.He does however sound like someone who just wants to be taken care of without any responsibilities.Was he a momma's boy? Seeing as you've taken him back on more than one occasion,he's probably smug in his belief he has you wrapped around his finger and will again take him back.Now's the time to make your stand...be adamant and stick to your guns.Let him know in no uncertain terms that if things don't change you'll be moving on and stick to it.I do wish you well and hope things work out for you and just remember people will treat you the way you allow them to...take care.

Btw,its the week-end and the holidays so things maybe a little slow around here.
 

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:-(
Exit plan. You sound like you need one.
I think he is one of those guys who feels that women with kids from previous relationships should be happy that 'someone wants them' and that they should be rewarded for putting up with that. It sounds like he just wanted to improve his life via marriage, vs. actually being in a relationship.
It sounds like you need to get serious about finding someone who is really going to be there for you, in substantial ways. A man who actually cares about you would not behave as he does. Saying it isn't enough. We exist in the physical world, day to day, we need to know that our spouses treat us as importantly as they treat ourselves. It stinks when we are putting forth 50% plus and honestly with kids you cannot just up and go, you lose your power to leave even for one night, because of needing to be stable for the kids. A real man who cares will not take advantage of this. He would be helping you so that you would be refreshed and able to spend time with him. He would not leave you and your kids walking in the rain, and go into your wallet. You deserve better.
 

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You KNOW you've got NO BUSINESS being married to this man-child!

There is no "we" in your marriage (at least not from HIS point of view). There is YOU & YOUR KIDS & YOUR HOME and there is HIM & HIS TRUCK.

He wants YOUR income to help with his truck payment & insurance (why can't he afford this if he works 5.5 days/week?), but he doesn't want to provide any of HIS income for your family life?

Reading between the lines, did he CHEAT on you BEFORE you married him?

1.) Read up on the divorce laws for your state (you can Google them and find a simplified version that you don't need to be an attorney to understand).

2.) See if an ANNULMENT is possible in your state (it would be the quickest/easiest way to get rid of this 'husband').

3.) Since he has NOT come home, tell him to STAY OUT! You don't need HIS MESS in your life! Pack up his clothes and sh1t and let him MOVE ON.

4.) You do NOT NEED a man in your life right now! YOU need to concentrate on yourself and your children.

5.) Cut ALL financial ties with this man IMMEDIATELY. He's already been proven to be untrustworthy! Get rid of him before he costs you A LOT MORE.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
wow .. i wasnt expecting that.

I do feel what you guys are saying, many times in the past 3mths I have wanted to end it.
Many times in the past 3 yrs I have wanted to end it.
He has not actually physically cheated, but there were girl issues in the past, he was texting girls behind my back. I do trust him now in that department (probably because I am just tired of arguing about that and don't care anymore).

He was a Momma's boy growing up, but I think it bothers him when people call him that. I often sometimes wonder if he talks to her behind my back, because there are times that she will ask me something that him and I talked about .. or she will call the house within 5 minutes of him leaving to ask me a question.

I agree 100% there is no "we" in my marriage :(
You know he gets so upset if I say "my house" it has to be "our house" or if i say "my bedroom" but yet he still always says "my truck"

My husband is a hard worker, and he does bring home his income.. both of our pay cheques are in 1 account. I have no problem helping with his truck payments and insurance.. he can't get insurance in his name because it is to high - I offered to put it in my name and he refuses. he is not willing to give his truck to his wife so she can insure it and he can drive it! (the bank actually owns the truck because he took out a personal loan to buy the truck). So it sits in my oops "our" driveway.. i call it an ornament and told him that I was going to grow flowers out of it lol

He has been texting me, he keeps blaming me and acting basically like he is stupid and doesn't remember anything.. it's sort of like a head game that he plays.
i get so frustrated!

Thanks again for the responses, I really need someone to vent to ...
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
and also, i am not perfect .. i have been so frustrated with the way things are that I myself have been a not so nice person, and I hate it :(
I want to be a good wife .. I want to be happy when my husband comes home not cringe when he walks in the door.

He walks in the door and says .. "hey" walks past me.. goes in the bathroom for 20 minutes than goes to lay around in the bedroom.
But at the same time, I just say "hey" as well .. why am I so unhappy when he is around?

I have read people talk about "emotional connection" and I don't think we have that. Is that something that should come natural to a couple?
Actually, is there anything that comes natural in a marriage or do you have to work and build on EVERYTHING!!

now I am just rambling .. sorry. I am lost and confused and a little bored.
Now he is texting me and saying "i am a sad man that's what i am sad and hurt" "because you don't love me"

I don't know how to respond to that ...
 

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Ok, now let's look at it from a different POV. You have only been married for 3 months...those are a minutes in a lifetime, nothing...it sounds like you have a lot of valid points. I don't know that you have gone about trying to change things in the most productive way. You may be putting all your energy in the wrong place. I am going to ask you to do four things, just four things for now. First, I know you think you have been telling him all the things that you want changed but, believe me, he is not hearing you. He is not understanding how important it is. So the first thing you need to do is stop thinking that he is doing, or not doing, all these things even though he knows you need something else - he doesn't really know because he is not hearing you. Second, put your thoughts of divorce on hold, at least for now. It's only been three months and no matter how much you have put in to it, you have not put in enough yet. Third, you need help, a lot. Find a marriage counselor and make an appointment - tomorrow! I know, you have no interest whatsoever in doing this and that's exactly why you need to do it. Think about it, have the things you have been doing thus far been working? No! So you need to try something else. Make an appointment, don't ask your husband about it, just make the appoint for when you know he can make it. When it's made give him a card with the appointment on it and tell him if he wants to save the marriage you will be there. Then don't talk about the appointment any further. Don't have a debate about it, don't talk about rescheduling. Just tell him if he is interested in saving your marriage that he needs to show up. Then you just need to show up even if he says he isn't going to show up.
Fourth, and last for now, you need to make sure he knows how dire this is. You need to make sure you communicate to him very clearly that you need things to change, in both him and you, and that you are willing to hear him out, you are willing to make changes yourself. BUT you need to be clear how important this is. You need to be clear that if things don't begin to change you that you will continue to become unhappy with your relationship and with your marriage and that could lead to divorce. DO NOT use this as a threat. DO NOT make him feel like it is an ultimatum. If you do this you will be throwing everything out the window. People do not like to be given ultimatums and don't like to be threatened. You need to be firm but not mean. You need to make sure he understands that you know this is not only about him, that this is about your relationship. You need to tell him you are doing this because you want your marriage to last, you just don't want it to keep going like it is.
Do you want a chance to save your marriage? Do you want a chance to become happy with it? Then do these 4 things and do them now.
Are you up for this? It is going to take energy and work. Is it worth it to you?
 

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The only 'mistake' you ever make in life is staying with a wrong decision because you don't want to admit you've made a 'mistake'.
What can you learn from all this? Look forward to a positive future and take action - the action you know deep down you should take.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I don't think I have been handling this the proper way either, well obviously I am not because it is not getting any better..

Thank you 4311 for taking the time to write that thoughtful post. But I don't think I quite understand the first thing that you want me to do?

I have suggested counselling, we do have coverage that will cover some of it, but not enough. This is not an excuse. It is just a fact, my 14 yr old got braces 2 months ago so I have been saving for when the coverage runs out and we get the bill

I have decided to take him back. Because it's Christmas and my children and I love him and I also don't want him to be alone on Christmas.
In the future, I will be smarter than him. From now on I will save my own money and I am going to apply for an over draft on my personal bank account. Not as high as his, but a few hundred just in case..

I made a committment when I married him. I intend to take it serious. One day he will wake up and realize.. he is a good guy.. he is just going through something right now. He is very frugal this I know, but I think it is more than that. He does not have a drug problem or a gambling problem - he doesn't even go online.
It is more of a personal issue with him I think.. I wish he would open up to me..

Thanks everyone, I like this place and reading all the advice given on other threads. There is alot one can learn here..

Merry Christmas Everyone and a Happy New Year
xoxo
 

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Thank you 4311 for taking the time to write that thoughtful post. But I don't think I quite understand the first thing that you want me to do?
My first thing relates to how many people feel at this point in a relationship. They feel like they have told their spouse what they need and that they are not doing it which must mean they don't care. What I am saying is that more often than not the other person is not hearing you. They are listening, but they are not hearing how bad it is. You need to understand that if he truly understood and grasped how close you are to divorce he would most likely do something different. To that end, what you nee to do is have a frank, honest, thoughtful, and caring conversation with him about where you are and where you are heading. And make sure that when you are talking to him you make eye contact, a lot of it, you need to be sure that he is hearing you. Try to talk and act differently than you have been in the past as this will allow him to notice it more. Don't give him more of the same as it will just go in one ear and out the other.

I have suggested counselling, we do have coverage that will cover some of it, but not enough.
Sorry, not good enough. There are many, many different options you have here. Have you done any research? Do you belong to a church? All of them have marital counseling services. Have you tried counselors that accept a payment plan? If it's important enough you will find a way.

All the other stuff you have said is great and fine and "sounds" very nice. But you still don't get it. If you are/were as close as you say you are to considering divorce then all this is not going to be good enough. This new freshness in you is great - but it will not last. The next time he does something to upset you, the next time he does something you see as irresponsible, the next time you will just fall back to wanting a divorce.

You need to understand. If you take one thing from this let it be this: You DO NOT have the tools to do this by yourselves. You just don't. How many times have you eating at a restaurant in the past month? How much did you spend on xmas? We all have limited amounts of money, some more than others. But we all have choices to were that money goes. It's based on priorities. What are your priorities?

"You will take him back"? Who do you feel "you" are in all this? This is not only your decision.

The people here will help you as much as we can no matter what you decide to do. Ask yourself this: what do you want help with? Do you want help getting your marriage back together or do you want help with being divorced. It's all your choice...
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
you see the thing is, when I ask him to help out more or point out something that he is not doing - in my first post I used the garbage as an example. Well, when I pointed out to him that he walks past the bags the very least he could do is put them in the pail. He does it for about a week, than he has to be reminded.. again! lol

I know that some of this stuff is very petty.

I do not want to call it quits after only 3 months of marriage. I just want someone to tell me what I am doing wrong .... so that I can fix him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
all of the petty stuff aside, there is still a bigger issue at hand.

I have learned that I can not depend on my husband... and that really sucks for me. The last couple of days I have been thinking back and have realized that this is not the first time he has done something like this to me.

I already know that he is not responsible for my happiness, and I also learned that lesson the hard way as well..

This marriage stuff is real hard and very emotionally draining.. I am hoping that if all else fails I will at least grow and learn from this mess

I will be back and I hope to continue learning from this forum and hopefully grow as a woman and a wife..

xoxo
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
The only 'mistake' you ever make in life is staying with a wrong decision because you don't want to admit you've made a 'mistake'.
What can you learn from all this? Look forward to a positive future and take action - the action you know deep down you should take.
i know you're right.. why am i not strong enough to do it ,,,
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
i just feel horrible that it is xmas and he is at his buddies house.. should i let him come home for xmas?

He says he is sorry and wants to make it right ...
 

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you're going in circles. you have no idea what you want. Why would you invite him home? I thought you said LiamN was right? If LiamN is right that means you want to end this relationship. Please, stop treating this like it is just another day. Why are you here? What are you trying to get from us? Do you know what you want? Do you know what you don't want?
Please start taking this seriously. Please start taking control of your own life. Please start making your own decisions. No offense LiamN, but you are directing, in an indirect way, Tootsie what to do. We can all see that she has no idea what she wants to do.
Am I wrong Tootsie?
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
i have no idea.. i just want a happy marriage. but i dont want to walk away and than wonder if i tried everything i could.

After the new year, we will have to look into counselling .. if anything, a couple of sessions might help..

I don't want to be a "walk away wife"
 

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You would not be a "walk away wife". A WAW is a woman who leaves a good marriage for no apparent reason.

You do not have a good marriage. Your husband is not treating you well at all.
 

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Exactly! Thank you for realizing. This is the only time you will have. When it's done, it's done. And if that was the right thing to do, then so be it. But, my point, is and always will be, if you don't know, don't act. And if you can't act, get someone to help you act. Please do not make a life changing decision based on mulling it over and flip-flopping.
Again, it was very strong of you, very brave indeed, for you to admit that you have no idea. Many people never realize that of themselves, so kudos for that.
To be clear, I am not of the mindset that a marriage should be saved no matter what. I have just had a lot of experience with this, personally, and with many, many friends. The one thing I took from it was that people made decisions without really knowing what they wanted. Without really thinking about it. Please don't make that mistake. To jump or not to jump is NOT the questions, WHY to jump, that is the question (excuse the analogy).

I'm going to give you some reading. It's short, down to earth, and interesting, and I suspect you'll get a lot from it. Please take the time to read it. It doesn't exactly fit your situation as there are no affairs but it offers a lot of insight into love and feelings:

Boomerang! The Short Story of a Divorce, Reconciliation, and Remarriage | Psychology Today

How I Got My Ex Back: The "Oh Sh*t" moment... | Psychology Today

How I Got My Ex Back: She Blinded Me with Science! | Psychology Today

Valentwined: The Day My Ex Said "Yes!" | Psychology Today
 

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You would not be a "walk away wife". A WAW is a woman who leaves a good marriage for no apparent reason.
Sorry EleGirl, but your example doesn't pass the stink test. You said it yourself, a WAF or a WAH for that matter, walks away for no APPARENT reason. Apparent simply means the reason is not highlighted, it does not mean there is no reason. Why is it that all of these people, mostly women it seems, are suggesting you walk away from a 3 month old marriage when you are not even sure yourself what to do? I don't get it. Has he been the best husband? From your description is seems not. But there's a flip side to that coin.
I will say it again. You do not know what you want. Please do not make decisions that will affect the rest of your self based on something you have no idea about.
 
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