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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, I am new to this and thought that I would give it a try since I haven't talked to anyone about the problems I am having within my marriage. I have been married for a year and a half to who I thought was the love of my life. To give some background info, our story is somewhat of a fairy tale. We were high school sweethearts, after hs I went off to college and he joined the military. He asked me to marry him when we were 18 and I said yes. Shortly after I broke it off and broke his heart. I went on with my life and he with his. I ended up getting pregnant and having my first child two years later. This prompted me to move closer to my parents. In the meantime, I met and married my ex-husband and eventually had my second child. My marriage was awful and ultimately ended in divorce. Through all of this, my hs sweetheart never went more than a year or so without making contact with me and letting me know he still loved me.

So, now I was a single mom with two kids. I put myself through school and had a good job. Once again, my hs sweetheart resurfaced. After 16 years he had waited for me, he loved me so much. He was living on the west coast and I on the east coast, I finally decided that our time was now. I picked up and moved myself and both of my kids across the country to be with him. We got married two days after he came home from his last deployment and have now been married for 1 year and a half.

This amazing, wonderful man that I have known for more than half of my life and who has waited for 16 years for me is someone that I now don't even know. It was like as soon as we got married the chase was over, the effort was gone, and so were his feelings. It has progressively gotten worse and I feel so isolated now. He is no longer attracted to me, I couldn't even tell you the last time he gave me a compliment. Our sex life is damn near non-existent. He puts no effort into me whatsoever. On top of that, he acts like me and my kids ALWAYS bother him. He has no patience with the kids, constantly raising his voice and yelling at them. He gives me absolutely no affection. He never does anything nice or goes out of his way to show me love and attention. He does tell me he loves me every night before bed and every morning when he leaves for work. But the words are so empty...it's just routine. And now, I think I am falling out of love with him. I think about how miserable I am on an almost daily basis. I cry all the time. I have tried talking to him, suggested counseling (he thinks that is a joke)...none of it helps and it never improves anything, not even temporarily.

To top all of this off...I recently found out I am pregnant. Now my emotions are heightened and I feel even MORE isolated, alone, and miserable. In the midst of my emotions, he is the same...if not worse. He is so insensitive and has no compassion for me at all. I work full time, am back in school full-time, have two kids, am pregnant, and try to be a good wife....I never get any recognition or thanks for what I do. I have no family around, and left all my friends when I rearranged my life for him. I still have not made that many friends where we currently live. I am just so unhappy and honestly, I just needed someone to talk to. I can't talk to family or friends because they all think that he is this great, wonderful guy. They see him as I saw him before we got married. I have considered at least getting counseling for myself. Now that I am starting to fall out of love with him I am no longer putting as much effort into him anymore. I want his attention so badly it hurts. Is this marriage worth saving?

Any advise, support, suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
 

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Counseling would be good for you.

I'm curious because you said you put yourself through school when you were a single mom & now you are back in school full time?

The reason I ask is because if you work full time, go to school full time & have 2 children plus a home & husband in addition to no friends & family close by to help, do you think your plate is too full?

Are you stressed out all of the time? Do you have any free time to spend quality time with your husband?

How long did you date your husband actively before marrying?

Where is the father of your children? He allowed you to move them across the country?
 

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I don't know what to tell you because I am in a similar boat. My husband is so passive about me after only one year of marriage. I've tried so hard to please him and keep our home pleasant and be fun, but I feel like a failure and have begun almost hating him for rejecting me so much and basically destroying my self-esteem when all I've ever wanted was to be in sync together... and we don't even have kids! Sorry this probably isn't very helpful but just know you are not the only wife to feel this way. I hope things get better for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Counseling would be good for you.

I'm curious because you said you put yourself through school when you were a single mom & now you are back in school full time?

The reason I ask is because if you work full time, go to school full time & have 2 children plus a home & husband in addition to no friends & family close by to help, do you think your plate is too full?

Are you stressed out all of the time? Do you have any free time to spend quality time with your husband?

How long did you date your husband actively before marrying?

Where is the father of your children? He allowed you to move them across the country?
I put myself through nursing school when I was a single mom and became and RN (my associate's degree). I am currently working on my Bachelor's degree. Yes my plate is very full but I am very goal oriented and am very good at time management. I still maintain all A's in school, excellence in my job, my house stays clean, I'm able to help kids with homework, cook dinner (most nights), and put time aside every weekend for family. I have done date nights for my husband but I am ALWAYS the one that arranges it and suggests it. I am also the one that makes it happen. Last time I did it I told him, "This Friday I am taking you out!" And I did...I always hope that he will get a clue and return the favor but he never ever does. I am almost done trying and am getting so resentful I don't want to plan anymore date nights. I feel like I am only doing them for my benefit and he could care less. I am stressed out a lot but I do manage it well.

As far as how long we dated before getting married, we were committed to each other for almost a year, mind you...we were on opposite sides of the country. I felt like I knew him, I have known him since I was 14 years old.

My ex-husband (the father of my youngest), has nothing to do with her and is 10k behind in child support. The father of my oldest agreed to us moving, he quit paying child support and started paying for plane tickets. Turned out he saw her more living across the country than he did living in the same state.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I don't know what to tell you because I am in a similar boat. My husband is so passive about me after only one year of marriage. I've tried so hard to please him and keep our home pleasant and be fun, but I feel like a failure and have begun almost hating him for rejecting me so much and basically destroying my self-esteem when all I've ever wanted was to be in sync together... and we don't even have kids! Sorry this probably isn't very helpful but just know you are not the only wife to feel this way. I hope things get better for you.
Sweetie, it is very comforting to know that I am not alone! I am sorry you are going through the same thing, it sucks doesn't it :( I hope your situation gets better, I'll say a little prayer for you.
 

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I put myself through nursing school when I was a single mom and became and RN (my associate's degree). I am currently working on my Bachelor's degree. Yes my plate is very full but I am very goal oriented and am very good at time management. I still maintain all A's in school, excellence in my job, my house stays clean, I'm able to help kids with homework, cook dinner (most nights), and put time aside every weekend for family. I have done date nights for my husband but I am ALWAYS the one that arranges it and suggests it. I am also the one that makes it happen. Last time I did it I told him, "This Friday I am taking you out!" And I did...I always hope that he will get a clue and return the favor but he never ever does. I am almost done trying and am getting so resentful I don't want to plan anymore date nights. I feel like I am only doing them for my benefit and he could care less. I am stressed out a lot but I do manage it well.

As far as how long we dated before getting married, we were committed to each other for almost a year, mind you...we were on opposite sides of the country. I felt like I knew him, I have known him since I was 14 years old.

My ex-husband (the father of my youngest), has nothing to do with her and is 10k behind in child support. The father of my oldest agreed to us moving, he quit paying child support and started paying for plane tickets. Turned out he saw her more living across the country than he did living in the same state.
Thanks for answering my questions. I needed more information to formulate a response.

I am calculating your husband's age at 34. He may have been set in his ways & was used to being alone. I'm sure he enjoyed being in an LTR with you but the reality of living with you & 2 children is possibly different than he expected.

He doesn't sound happy. Maybe you can suggest marriage counseling. I do feel bad for your daughters being treated poorly by him.
 

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How much time (in hours) a week do you spend doing one-on-one things with your husband?

Have you told him very clearly what you want from him. For example have you told him that you expect him to plan date nights every other week?
 

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I have been married for a year and a half to who I thought was the love of my life. To give some background info, our story is somewhat of a fairy tale.

After 16 years he had waited for me, he loved me so much.

We got married two days after he came home from his last deployment ...

This amazing, wonderful man that I have known for more than half of my life and who has waited for 16 years for me is someone that I now don't even know. It was like as soon as we got married the chase was over, the effort was gone, and so were his feelings.

... he acts like me and my kids ALWAYS bother him.

He never does anything nice or goes out of his way to show me love and attention.

....I never get any recognition or thanks for what I do.
Okay, I want to give you my read on what you have posted. Before you go ballistic - and I DO understand the raging hormones of pregnancy - I want you to carefully consider what I have highlighted from your post.

You had a miserable first marriage. Now it appears you are in a second miserable marriage. The common denominator? You.

I also noticed that you use "never" several times in relation to the way your current husband treats you. From my experience, nobody is "never" or "always" a particular way. Those words are red flags for me.

Food for thought: could you have idealized this man from the time you first met him? Could it be that you thought you were marrying the "perfect" man, only to find out he is all-too human and has faults that you didn't see because you were blinded by love?

Hey, I could be way off base here. He may be a raging a$$hole who faked it until he got you hooked.

But the thing is, you are obviously a very disciplined woman to have taken on raising kids, getting an education, and bettering yourself. Could you be a little bit too demanding of him. You are an achiever. I imagine anyone who is less than that ain't gonna cut the mustard with you.

Please keep in mind that I am in cyberspace, and I can only venture to guess what may be happening.

If the guy is a phony-baloney and a colossal jerk, then it may be time to consider the fact that you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. I dunno ... I'm just suggesting you may have been idealizing this man and now that you are married, you see that he is not all you thought he was for all those years.

Please set me straight if I'm out of line here.
 
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Prodigal she just described the first 7 years of my marriage and I was an overachiever too. My marriage sucked from the beginning and yes it was my fault. I was demanding, pushy, stressed out and controlling. He never did anything right in my eyes.

My other theory on this is people change. That man from high school doesn't exist anymore. He may have idealized her and then reality hit with the ready made family. The fantasy was way more fun that the reality.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Okay, I want to give you my read on what you have posted. Before you go ballistic - and I DO understand the raging hormones of pregnancy - I want you to carefully consider what I have highlighted from your post.

You had a miserable first marriage. Now it appears you are in a second miserable marriage. The common denominator? You.

I also noticed that you use "never" several times in relation to the way your current husband treats you. From my experience, nobody is "never" or "always" a particular way. Those words are red flags for me.

Food for thought: could you have idealized this man from the time you first met him? Could it be that you thought you were marrying the "perfect" man, only to find out he is all-too human and has faults that you didn't see because you were blinded by love?

Hey, I could be way off base here. He may be a raging a$$hole who faked it until he got you hooked.

But the thing is, you are obviously a very disciplined woman to have taken on raising kids, getting an education, and bettering yourself. Could you be a little bit too demanding of him. You are an achiever. I imagine anyone who is less than that ain't gonna cut the mustard with you.

Please keep in mind that I am in cyberspace, and I can only venture to guess what may be happening.

If the guy is a phony-baloney and a colossal jerk, then it may be time to consider the fact that you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. I dunno ... I'm just suggesting you may have been idealizing this man and now that you are married, you see that he is not all you thought he was for all those years.

Please set me straight if I'm out of line here.
My miserable first marriage I didn't go into because it was beside the point, but since I didn't you gather that the common denominator could be me. My first husband was a low life scum bag piece of **** that did nothing except smoke pot, drink beer, and cheat on me. I finally left him, and it was well deserved, the way he treated me was not well deserved. I could go into things that he put me through that would make your skin crawl but this isn't about him. Since I have left him he has not one thing to do with his daughter and has paid not one red penny in child support.

When I said my husband never does anything nice or goes out if his way to show me love and attention, the latter part is 100% accurate. He literally NEVER goes out of his way. The first part, he does occasionally help with dishes and straightening up the kitchen. So that is nice. When I said I never get recognition for all that I do, that was accurate. When I said he acts like me and my kids always bother him, I should have said almost always, he is not as bothered when he has been drinking. I knew that I was not marrying the perfect man, there is no such thing and I would be a fool to think that there was. However, there is such a thing as a good man. My father was one. He took care of my mom, emotionally and financially. He adopted my sister and always treated her as his own. My husband comes in the door and practically gets onto my kids from the time he gets home to the time they go to bed. He makes everyone miserable with his terrible attitude. I am not demanding of him at all, he goes to the bar when he wants, he comes home when he wants, he watches what he wants on TV all the time. Every weekend I ask him to go with me and the kids somewhere (movie, mall, whatever)...everytime it is a sigh and he acts like it is this huge ordeal to spend time with his family. So I just stopped asking. I know that from what I wrote it is hard for you to grasp my situation and I knew that posting my issues on a forum I was opening myself up to responses that I didn't want to hear. You are right about one thing, he is not all I thought he was for all those years. For 16 years he chased after me, I saw this romantic, sweet, compassionate man. I have not seen that man in over a year. Maybe it is me, I have considered that before.

I also want to point out that my husband is an achiever as well. He is in the military and is also going to school. I just don't think that he loves me and I don't think he likes having a family like he thought he would. I have had years to adjust to being a mom, I just don't think the family thing is for him. I don't make him happy, my kids don't bring him joy (which absolutely hurts my heart).
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Prodigal she just described the first 7 years of my marriage and I was an overachiever too. My marriage sucked from the beginning and yes it was my fault. I was demanding, pushy, stressed out and controlling. He never did anything right in my eyes.

My other theory on this is people change. That man from high school doesn't exist anymore. He may have idealized her and then reality hit with the ready made family. The fantasy was way more fun that the reality.
With your second theory, I believe you hit the nail on the head.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
How much time (in hours) a week do you spend doing one-on-one things with your husband?

Have you told him very clearly what you want from him. For example have you told him that you expect him to plan date nights every other week?
Lately I don't spend any "one-on-one" time with him. Even in a perfect marriage, there aren't hours each week. There is possibly a date night every week or every other week but with our schedules there is no way we can set aside hours of alone time each week.

And yes, I have been VERY CLEAR with what I want. Not the beat around the bush crap, straight out asked him if he would take me on a date sometime. He told me he was going to take me out to dinner for my birthday. My birthday was almost two weeks ago...
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks for answering my questions. I needed more information to formulate a response.

I am calculating your husband's age at 34. He may have been set in his ways & was used to being alone. I'm sure he enjoyed being in an LTR with you but the reality of living with you & 2 children is possibly different than he expected.

He doesn't sound happy. Maybe you can suggest marriage counseling. I do feel bad for your daughters being treated poorly by him.
I don't think he is happy, at all. I have suggested counseling but he thinks counselors, therapists, etc are all idiots that fill your head with crap. I forgot to mention, he thinks that he is always right and knows everything about everything. He considers most people idiots and he self-admits this.
 

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Lately I don't spend any "one-on-one" time with him. Even in a perfect marriage, there aren't hours each week. There is possibly a date night every week or every other week but with our schedules there is no way we can set aside hours of alone time each week.

And yes, I have been VERY CLEAR with what I want. Not the beat around the bush crap, straight out asked him if he would take me on a date sometime. He told me he was going to take me out to dinner for my birthday. My birthday was almost two weeks ago...
Yes in a perfect marriage there is 15 hours a week to spend together because in a perfect marriage a couple makes time together a priority.


IN order to have a good marriage it’s important to keep the bond between spouses. In order to keep that bond and the feeling of love a couple must spend at least 15 hours a week doing date-like things together, just the two of them.


Now these can be simple things like going for a walk, holding hands and talking; spending time having tea/coffee together and having a conversation; or they can be dates like dinner out. Movies and TV do not count at time together because the focus is on the show, not on each other.


Generally this time is take in the evening, 1-2 hours, after the children go to bed.. Hence early bed times for the children and longer dates on weekend days.


The thing about the marriage bond/love is that it’s as much a physical response as it is a psychological response. Without enough time spent together and regular sex the amount of oxytocin and other bonding hormones, dopamine, etc that is needed to maintain the feeling of love and the bond are not there. Then you fall out of love. Both partners are just irritated with each other. Basically it produces a marriage like the one you have.


The marriage relationship has to take precedence over the children. Why? Because the foundation of the family is the parents. If the parents do not have a strong, healthy relationship the marriage falls part and thus the kids lose their happy, strong, intact family.


If there is no time in your schedules for each other the state of your marriage is not a surprise at all. If the two of you are not willing to structure your family life such that you have as much time together as possible to get that 15 hours a week, then it’s doomed. Basically the two of you have not put your marriage first, thus it has failed.


Your husband is an unhappy man. He has reason to be unhappy. He does not have a wife to makes him a priority. You are unhappy for good reason. It sounds like you have failed each other.


So are you willing to give this marriage another try? If you are take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage.

There are a lot of other suggestions people can give you here that would turn this around and rekindle your love for each other.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Yes in a perfect marriage there is 15 hours a week to spend together because in a perfect marriage a couple makes time together a priority.


IN order to have a good marriage it’s important to keep the bond between spouses. In order to keep that bond and the feeling of love a couple must spend at least 15 hours a week doing date-like things together, just the two of them.


Now these can be simple things like going for a walk, holding hands and talking; spending time having tea/coffee together and having a conversation; or they can be dates like dinner out. Movies and TV do not count at time together because the focus is on the show, not on each other.


Generally this time is take in the evening, 1-2 hours, after the children go to bed.. Hence early bed times for the children and longer dates on weekend days.


The thing about the marriage bond/love is that it’s as much a physical response as it is a psychological response. Without enough time spent together and regular sex the amount of oxytocin and other bonding hormones, dopamine, etc that is needed to maintain the feeling of love and the bond are not there. Then you fall out of love. Both partners are just irritated with each other. Basically it produces a marriage like the one you have.


The marriage relationship has to take precedence over the children. Why? Because the foundation of the family is the parents. If the parents do not have a strong, healthy relationship the marriage falls part and thus the kids lose their happy, strong, intact family.


If there is no time in your schedules for each other the state of your marriage is not a surprise at all. If the two of you are not willing to structure your family life such that you have as much time together as possible to get that 15 hours a week, then it’s doomed. Basically the two of you have not put your marriage first, thus it has failed.


Your husband is an unhappy man. He has reason to be unhappy. He does not have a wife to makes him a priority. You are unhappy for good reason. It sounds like you have failed each other.


So are you willing to give this marriage another try? If you are take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage.

There are a lot of other suggestions people can give you here that would turn this around and rekindle your love for each other.
Elegirl, I am curious how long you have been married, how many kids do you have, and what you do for a living?
 

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Your husband has not accepted your children into his life.

This alone is a reason to end this marriage.

It is not his fault. People who don't have children, don't "get it."

Sometimes they will make an effort with the children & welcome them into their homes & heart & there will be fewer problems.

I am truly sorry that this man that you have loved for all these years has changed.
 

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Firstly, you did not marry your high school sweetheart. You married a man that use to be your high school sweetheart. You only imagined him as the 17 year old boy that you knew. So you had a false impression of him to begin with and remember you never lived with him before, so that changes the dynamics.

Secondly, you need to prepare for and have a very serious conversation with this lad. DON'T wait until you are out the door to have this conversation. Too many people suffer and suffer until they can't take it anymore. By then it doesn't matter what the other person does, its too late. Be very direct with him, don't try to save his feelings, be nice, but be direct. He also needs to know that no action on his part constitutes a negative response in and of itself. Have a plan for him, he is military, this can be helpful. You can alter the plan based on the meeting, but there has to be a plan at the end of the meeting.

Thirdly, on top of all the other things you are trying to do you may need to do some remedial training for this soldier. Look for books or articles that may be helpful to him on being concerned with your needs. You may need to give a 2 dates a month that HE has to plan, use examples of acceptable dates. He has worked with soldiers and not little kids. Soldiers do what you tell them to do, little kids are like herding cats, it can be very frustrating. Set up some bonding events for him and the kids together.

I don't know the man, so don't know if PTSD is a factor, you may want to look closely for signs. More than likely this is a man, who is use to being by himself that married into an instant family and is a bit overwhelmed. Best of luck to you.
 
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