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Discussion Starter #1
I really need advice before I do something rash. My wife and I do not have the best of marriages, she has complex PTSD and it is a daily struggle and puts a great deal of stress on our marriage. Several months ago she reached out to an old boyfriend form 20 years ago when she was 13 to try and fill in some of the gaps from that time period. This was suggested by her therapist. She told me a month ago that they were no longer in contact, I didn't ask, it was information just offered to me.

I have had this nagging feeling though that she was not being honest, and that she was hiding something. She has an alcohol problem and will go on binges, last night was one. After she passed out, I was turning off everything she had turned on, when I went to turn off the computer, her face book was still up and right there, no snooping needed, were messages from this guy of a sexual nature. I of course, looked at the string and she on a nightly basis has been having very explicit sexual conversation with this gentleman for the last month. They have code words when I am out of the room or house or when his wife is not around the computer. This guy lives half way across the country, so them actually meeting is very slim.

I want to confront her, but I am a bit afraid of how she will react, she can become very confrontational when confronted on anything, and uses her PTSD as an accuse. I am afraid that if I confront her, it may become physical, on her part, and she would probably call the cops. I really don't need that in my life right now. It has come to that 2 other times and I had to leave the house and stay in a hotel for a few nights out of fear.

I was thinking:
1) message the guy, let him know I know, and tell him that if he doesn't cut ties, I will let his wife know, I know they have 4 kids together.
2) actually message his wife and let her know and let it her take this down
3) I am not sure if I want to stay in the marriage and I am starting to plan my exit, so maybe let it be for now and just pretend I don't know
4) Confront her, take the consequences, which could put me in jail fighting false charges.

She has shown real improvement since she got into therapy, but now I wonder, is it really improvement, or is she in a honeymoon period with this guy and it will all crash down once they are no longer an item, and will I be the one that has to deal with the aftermath. Any advise would be of great help.
 

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I of course, looked at the string and she on a nightly basis has been having very explicit sexual conversation with this gentleman for the last month. They have code words when I am out of the room or house or when his wife is not around the computer.
OP, sorry you're here.

Just to clarify... a married man sexting a married woman is NO gentleman.

You should be outraged at her behavior, not in fear of her response, PTSD or not.

Get a voice recorder and record all conversations with her so she can't try to frame you. Better yet, have a third party (friend or relative) present when you confront. She lost the right to any privacy when she hooked up with this guy on the internet. With any luck, she'll be drunk when the police are called, you'll have your recording and your witness showing that she's lying, and SHE'LL be the one hauled to jail.
 

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I am afraid that if I confront her, it may become physical, on her part, and she would probably call the cops. I really don't need that in my life right now. It has come to that 2 other times and I had to leave the house and stay in a hotel for a few nights out of fear.

I was thinking:
1) message the guy, let him know I know, and tell him that if he doesn't cut ties, I will let his wife know, I know they have 4 kids together.
2) actually message his wife and let her know and let it her take this down
3) I am not sure if I want to stay in the marriage and I am starting to plan my exit, so maybe let it be for now and just pretend I don't know
4) Confront her, take the consequences, which could put me in jail fighting false charges.

She has shown real improvement since she got into therapy, but now I wonder, is it really improvement, or is she in a honeymoon period with this guy and it will all crash down once they are no longer an item, and will I be the one that has to deal with the aftermath. Any advise would be of great help.
Carry a VAR on you at all times.

If you are even close to doing #3, just start the process now, you can stop it at any time.

I think you may be spot on with the last comment, especially if you feel like she is not that into you, but just better off in general.
 

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1) message the guy, let him know I know, and tell him that if he doesn't cut ties, I will let his wife know, I know they have 4 kids together.
No! NEVER EVER warn the OM that you will expose the affair to his wife. This just gives him the chance to prepare to intercept your messages to his wife, or have his wife block or not accept any messages from you. He will say you're crazy and not to listen to you.

2) actually message his wife and let her know and let it her take this down
Best way to expose is to contact the OMW directly.

4) Confront her, take the consequences, which could put me in jail fighting false charges.
Buy a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) ASAP and have it on you during the confrontation. Then follow the procedure I outlined in the newbie thread if she decides to get physically abusive and call the police. This is from my post in the thread.

Have a VAR on you at all times, if you can, at least have a witness with you when you go home. Even better would be to have a VAR on you and have a witness.

If she threatens you that she will call the cops on you, tell her calmly that you will have her charged with false reporting if she tries to lie to them about threatening her or hitting her. Hand her the phone and/or let her call if she wants to.

If she still ends up calling the cops....keep your cool! Do not raise your voice. Do not throw things around or mess up the house. You won't see them drive up because they will park the cruiser a couple of houses down the street. They WILL listen first before knocking. This is standard procedure. So it would NOT be a good idea to be yelling before they knock on the door.

When they knock on the door or ring the doorbell, YOU be the one to answer the door. In a calm voice greet the officer and ask what the problem is. I guarantee you that the cops are on alert and will be looking for a possible fight from you because domestic violence calls are one of the most dangerous calls, and many cops have been killed going into these situations. With you answering the door with a smile and a calm voice, it WILL immediately lower the tension and they will be more likely to listen to you.

This is usually a 2 officer call, and one of them will be interviewing you and the other will be interviewing your wife, but you will be in the same room so they can watch each others backs. When you answer the door, DO NOT have anything in your hands, even the VAR. They will be watching your hands. Keep them in the open where they can see them. Do not put your hands in your pocket. If one officer is sent, do not be surprised or argue if they temporarily place you in handcuffs, this is for officer safety, because they don’t know if you’re violent or not. Once you show you are calm, non violent, and most importantly, not a threat, then they will likely remove the handcuffs.

If she lies to the other officer and attempts to provoke you in front of them. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT respond. Remain calm!!! The very worst thing you can do is get into a shouting match with her while they are present. Tell the officer calmly that you have a VAR and you can play it for him and ask him/her if you can get it out of your pocket or where ever you have it. Then play it to them to expose her lies.

If you start arguing with the cops or with your WW and raising your voice, moving around, getting defensive, you are raising the tension and looking like the primary aggressor and a threat. Then they will put you in cuffs. And of course during this time the WW will be crying and putting on a show.
 

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I want to confront her, but I am a bit afraid of how she will react, she can become very confrontational when confronted on anything, and uses her PTSD as an accuse. I am afraid that if I confront her, it may become physical, on her part, and she would probably call the cops. I really don't need that in my life right now. It has come to that 2 other times and I had to leave the house and stay in a hotel for a few nights out of fear.

4) Confront her, take the consequences, which could put me in jail fighting false charges.

I think this is your biggest concern, or should be right now.

Why are you with a woman who hits you and accuses you falsely. Violence is never ok in a marriage. You are married to an abuser (on top of her inappropriate behavior with this man - yes, that is cheating).

Why do you want to be married to a woman who hits you?

I personally like the second option. Just tell his wife on Facebook. Don't even mention it to your wife or the guy beforehand.



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************
 

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VAR is good, video is better. If you confront, try to get some video going in the location as well as the VAR and a witness if you can. A witness can be shaky depending on the relationship, but there is no lying about video evidence. Then, after that, never be alone with her, for any reason.
 

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VAR is good, video is better. If you confront, try to get some video going in the location as well as the VAR and a witness if you can. A witness can be shaky depending on the relationship, but there is no lying about video evidence. Then, after that, never be alone with her, for any reason.
:iagree:

Definitely agree that video is always better, and if possible, a witness. But she probably won't get physical if she sees a camera or there's a witness.
 

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If she has parents and you do then ask them both round but inform your parents first of what's she's done

Then confront

Only do this if you are sure there has been no contact with the OM

go on FB and into her FB account and request archive (its in security)
It will be sent to her email; address and all you have to do is unzip it and you will see all conversations she has had with the guy unless she has gone out of her way to delete them from history
 

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If she has parents and you do then ask them both round but inform your parents first of what's she's done

Then confront

Only do this if you are sure there has been no contact with the OM

go on FB and into her FB account and request archive (its in security)
It will be sent to her email; address and all you have to do is unzip it and you will see all conversations she has had with the guy unless she has gone out of her way to delete them from history
I have done this on advice from here, and it still seems like things are missing. Like not all the conversations are there, and I know they were not deleted. It is weird.
 

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You are married to an abuser and you need IC counseling to resolve your codependency to break free from her. If you were an emotionally healthy man you would not have tolerated her emotional and physical abuse and would have left her. You do nobody any favors by choosing to stay with her.
 

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Is it possible to proactively contact the police and let them know what's going on and that she might be calling them to report a false threat from you. :scratchhead: It must be a real pain to have to constantly live in fear of her reactions to you. I wish you well, but how much more of her intimidation will you put up with? Might not be a bad idea to have someone with you when you confront her, one of her family members perhaps or a friend. That way, it would be extremely difficult for her to falsely accuse. Just a thought.
 

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Is it possible to proactively contact the police and let them know what's going on and that she might be calling them to report a false threat from you. :scratchhead: It must be a real pain to have to constantly live in fear of her reactions to you. I wish you well, but how much more of her intimidation will you put up with? Might not be a bad idea to have someone with you when you confront her, one of her family members perhaps or a friend. That way, it would be extremely difficult for her to falsely accuse. Just a thought.
A person can do that, but it doesn't necessarily carry much weight. Each specific situation is judged on its own merits. That is why I advocate for the video.....it is an unimpeachable witness and there are not any privacy concerns in your own house (i.e., you can put cameras in your own house all you want and dont have to worry about invasion of privacy for occupants with the exception of tenants and rented space and possibly bathrooms depending on circumstances).
 

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3) I am not sure if I want to stay in the marriage and I am starting to plan my exit, so maybe let it be for now and just pretend I don't know
4) Confront her, take the consequences, which could put me in jail fighting false charges.
JFK,

When you get to a point in your marriage where you fear confronting your wife for her infidelity; you don't have much of a marriage.

#3 could be a good option, but only if you've made your mind up to divorce her. Doesn't sound like you have.

Otherwise, #4 is my recommendation; while protecting yourself with a VAR or video, as has been mentioned.

Maybe she'll surprise you and demonstrate remorse for what she's done. Maybe she'll accept the consequences as well. But if she doesn't, you should go back to #3 and work on your exit plan - to get out of this abusive relationship.

Keep posting. You need our help.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
I have with great interest been reading the post. One poster hit it on the head, I am codependent, and I know it. Let me clear up something, the violence towards me has only been on 2 occasions, and both times she was very very drunk, to the point that after a few swings at me she was passed out on the floor, I know, wrong. My fear is more of her claiming I did something to her, so, I do plan on getting a recorder, keeping it on me, great idea.

She can be a really cool person, but I don't believe I love her, sad to say out loud, but this is really the first time I have. My codependent nature is to protect her, and nurture her until she is healthy, until she can survive on her own.

That's why this is such a slap in the face, I have been so supportive, and so giving, and to go behind my back like that in such an intimate way...I feel taken advantage of.

I don't think we are a marriage that will last, sad to say, we have been on the rocks since day one, I almost believe that going on to this site, something I have never done before, was an attempt to give me the courage to throw the preverbal grenade into the relationship. I have to stop worrying about what might become of her, and let someone else worry about that, and get back on with my life.

Thank you
 

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I have with great interest been reading the post. One poster hit it on the head, I am codependent, and I know it. Let me clear up something, the violence towards me has only been on 2 occasions, and both times she was very very drunk, to the point that after a few swings at me she was passed out on the floor, I know, wrong. My fear is more of her claiming I did something to her, so, I do plan on getting a recorder, keeping it on me, great idea.

She can be a really cool person, but I don't believe I love her, sad to say out loud, but this is really the first time I have. My codependent nature is to protect her, and nurture her until she is healthy, until she can survive on her own.

That's why this is such a slap in the face, I have been so supportive, and so giving, and to go behind my back like that in such an intimate way...I feel taken advantage of.

I don't think we are a marriage that will last, sad to say, we have been on the rocks since day one, I almost believe that going on to this site, something I have never done before, was an attempt to give me the courage to throw the preverbal grenade into the relationship. I have to stop worrying about what might become of her, and let someone else worry about that, and get back on with my life.

Thank you
The quote about you've been on the rocks since day one is a killer

If the picture you paint is accurate when in a normal state of mind then you know the course you will be taking

If you take the course I think you are looing at then advice will be better served if you post in the Going through Divorce or Separation section

If how ever you want to try to reconnect with your wife then in these circumstance have both sets of parents present so she restrains from
violence with a VAR hidden and a camera running in case her set of parents dispute any occurrence at a later date

If she demonstrates remorse and writes a NC letter to the OM verified by your self and sent by you and gives all passwords to her email and
any other accounts, gets rid of FB (its a cause of a lot of infidelity problems) then you will consider R, until all that is done you will be proceeding
with D and will see what steps she takes if any to save her marriage

You will of course have to contact the OM wife and make sure she is aware of what has happened

Make sure you back up all texts you have of the inappropriate conversations

And you will have to monitor her very closely for the next year or two I'm afraid

You never mentioned children so I guess there isn't any

Make sure any money that can be taken out with out both signature's is frozen

Talk to a lawyer A.S.A.P.
 

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To hell with an email to him! I'd get his home number and confront! and contingent upon how the conversation went, I'd call his wife and clue her in, or send her a copy of the damning emails/FB postings!

Did you go through your W's cell phone/texting records?

You might consider a vist to a good family attorney to explore your legal rights!
 
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